Worst Holiday Song And Video

This may be the worst Holiday music and video ever produced, it is a cover of a Neil Diamond song (allegedly). Have a death metal holiday! And don't forget to vomit in someone's stocking!




When you think of Christmas, you think of Exhumed. I wish they would have grinded out a whole Christmas album before they broke up. As far as I know it's the only death metal Christmas song. If I were making an awesome death metal compilation cd it would have Impaled singing Silent Night and Brujeria singing Feliz Navid...
This is from the Exhumed album entitled "Platters Of Splatter".

Major Mystical Merger - Methodists Merry, Muslims Miffed

By National Buffoon Religion Editor Father Elijah Fields

Two of the big three religions from the 'ol futile crescent vicinity have decided to merge holidays. Yes that's right, taking a cue from the world of finance with all it's mergers and aquisitions, a religion industry insider source has revealed there is proposal that is very likely to be announced shortly through official channels that Chanukah & Christmas will be merged into a single holiday. An unidentified source announced at a press conference moments ago that this deal has been in the works for about 1300 years.

"Oy To The World"

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of "HOLIDAY", as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being amongst the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will now be the more generic "Miraculous shit happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Muslims who feel the merger leaves Ramadan vulnerable to a hostile takeover.

The press conference ended with a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.

White House, Black Friday

U.S.President Barack Obama and the first family will celebrate the Black Friday holiday today in The White House watching movies with the Wayans Brothers in them and having a quiet dinner. "You know folks, you don't have to be black to enjoy Black Friday," the President said. "Much like one doesn't have to be white to enjoy a white Christmas."
Republicans immediately denounced the Holiday and will hold witch hunts, er uh...investigations looking into the possibility that the president may be a werewolf. "That's right" said leading idiot Rand Paul, "He's some kinda' secret werewolf we believe, as he has never appeared in public with wolf-bane dangling around his neck or in the company of Lon Chaney who I think was vice president once.

Republican artist depiction of Barrack Obama

Rand then stripped and piled his clothes by the roadside...He peed in a circle round his clothes and then, just like that, he started howling and then ran off into the woods.

Rand Paul

Many black activists however claim that the holiday is an insult to black Americans as it is marked not by any sort of traditional celebration or activity, but rather by discounts and sales at stores. Rev. Al Sharpton is asking everyone to boycott Black Friday and " Sleep in instead of stampeding at Walmart to get flammable pajamas at half price".

Annual Walmart Rube Stampede

"Does the white man think that the black man cannot afford regular prices?" opined Jesse Jackson at a recent rally outside an Atlanta Walmart. "Have you seen what people are willing to pay for a pair of sneakers? We can afford your regular prices!" He told National Buffoon on his way to Best Buy.

However, critics point to the yearly ritual of marking Presidents' Day with automobile sales as proof that whites don't discriminate when it comes to turning holidays into giant displays of gross commercialism.

Obama is not the first Black Friday celebrating President however as "Dubya" Bush ditched his favorite red crayon and instead drew pictures with a black crayon during his term - two of these crayon drawings still hang on the refrigerator in the White House kitchen.

One of Bush's coveted renderings from his "blue" pretzel period.

And Abe Lincoln of course sold his famous "Lincoln Logs" at a discount on the date.

The First Thanksgiving

Yes the war on Thanksgiving has begun just a bit earlier this year. Of course the plan is to simply combine Halloween, Thanksgiving, Pearl Harbor Day, and Christmas into one conspicious consumption secular human frenzy that begins the second week of September and lasts until February (or Thanksmasdayoween for short). By combining the current ways of celebrating the three holidays into one we save time and money. Just think of it as Halloween getting a little jollier, and Christmas spookier, and everyone saying thank you for both. Of course if you want to be traditional, do what was done at the first thanksgiving (well it wasn't the first...not even in the New World but who really cares?) Wear some big buckles, don't bathe for months, fire off some muskets, eat some gourds, berries, stew some opossum, and watch football. However, the advantages of the combination holiday are obvious. "Librul" attitudes of entitlement are a big problem in America, and we believe it starts in childhood. One of the side benefits of Thankmasdayoween would be toughening children up a bit by scaring them a little before they receive their presents. Since the economy sucks, don't actually buy presents; but wrap some items already in the house such as a roll of toilet paper up in some old newspapers using stuff you find in the trash for a bow.

Here's all you need to know to participate. If your invited to a Thanksmasdayoween dinner anywhere be sure to ask for something other than Turkey, be creative! Some Tofu shaped like a drumstick will surely put a frown on everyone's face and that's after all what holidays are about.

This is the baby NFL's birthday too so don't forget to sing happy birthday! It's considered good form to switch the channel to some lame ass parade whenever something is going on in whatever game is being watched...turn back in time for commercials.

The proper attire for dinner is always a thong, preferably this one.

Some new traditions we reccomend include making a gingerbread house with pilgrims trick-or treating at the door while Geronimo gives them treats. It adds a certain exciting element of danger if naughty children are dragged inside to be cooked with the turkey by some old school Halloween stereoptype witch. After dinner the whole family should go out caroling and vandalize the neighbors houses if they don't give you candy. What sort of carols, you ask? Standard Christmas carols can be reworded fairly easily. We're working on "Hark the Herald Hobgoblins Sing!' and O Little Rock of Plymouth.' Bloody Old St. Nick is a favorite, as well as We 3 Stooges.
Don't forget to float fake eyeballs in your eggnog, and put skulls in your kid's dirty socks when they hang them on the mantle.Erect an outdoor nativity and stick some action figures in it.

You should try to start some lame discussion about what your thankful for and make it really longwinded including every damned cliche you can think of...(the birdies that sing, the Gibb brothers who don't, the guy who was first to drink cow's milk, etc.)

No one cares that the pilgrims actually ate venison, because they also wore ridiculous looking hats, and you don’t see us doing that, do you?

You can't win the War on Christmas if you don't win the Battle of Thanksgiving.

The holiday wars are in full swing friends. I was simply going about my day to day activities until I saw (thankfully) this bit of wingnut scribbles over on the site for unhinged mental defectives known as "newsbusters"... it's penned by one of the site's leading imbeciles, and clearly demonstrates the extent to which some drool eschewing lunatics will go to "expose" the secular human's war on Supply Side Jesus and his sacred holidays. (Here's a link to the article.)
Newsbusters' Carolyn Plocher is very upset that network morning shows have offered tips on how to avoid excessive Thanksgiving calorie consumption! This is obviously a communist/atheist/"librul" plot to undermine the baby Jesus, America, and decency in general.
In the past week, from Nov. 18-24, five network stories have bashed traditional Thanksgiving food because it's not "healthy." With the nation in a recession and the unemployment rate soaring, the "librul" media want Americans to worry about their health too. Each of the networks offered tips on how to avoid the "most gut-busting holiday of the year," as Harry Smith of CBS's "Early Show" put it. SCANDALOUS!

After looking at the videos of the various town halls, tea bagger and Fox Noose sponsored hate events, I'd say whatever efforts the media are making to keep folks from eating too much aren't picking up much traction. After all girth is next to godliness.

The War On Thanksgiving

By National Buffoon Seafood Correspondent Popeye Sailor.



It's that time of year again folks, the ghouls and goblins have knocked at your door and you gave them treats.

The trick is they will return on Thanksgiving to laze about your house watching football, get hammered, and consume copious quantities of foodstuffs in a cornucopia of consumption unequalled anywhere in the time space continuum. Yet this is my favorite holiday by far. I was surprised to read in some rightwing blogs that liberals were conducting a war on Thanksgiving.
This seemed at odds with reality. Of course it did get me thinking a bit about the experience. Enough to chronicle the event.
Tradition
Tradition is the centerpiece of the holiday is it not? Of course we all want the exact same recipes and schedules that we knew as children. But it goes deeper. We want somber puritans to browbeat us with their bible belts and whatnot. Maybe some scarlet letter action, or an old fashioned witch burning as well. There of course must also be a political angle. (Natives might have had better immigration policies, Pilgrims were Republicans, Turkeys are religious symbols, etc.)

The war began when Uncle Ferd insisted the proper term was dressing while Aunt Percy demanded it was stuffing. It came down to fisticuffs and the whole family began taking sides.
Turnips, once considered traditional fare, were relegated to optional side dish.
And who puts nuts in the dressing or stuffing or whatever the hell it is? Nuts go in a dish. Stuffing is bread cubes, celery, and butter, maybe sausage or Chile Peppers if you want to get ethnic, but nuts? It's sacrilege. And everyone knows that, except your mother-in-law, who is the kind of person who serves mashed potatoes and potatoes Au gratin as side dishes, but since she doesn't even put Jack Daniel's in the sweet potatoes like any normal person, why even get into it? But before any festivities can begin some cousin will be asked what they are thankful for and they will use every available cliche up angering everyone else who will now appear to be assholes when their turn comes... but the whole thing ends mercifully when the homeless guy you invited in says he'll be thankful when the damned thing is over and cousin Jen says the rolls smell like stinky sneakers. Dad of course is thankful for something in some other room and feels a need to thank it personally.

Making a salad, on Thanksgiving is a mortal sin and anyone who does it is attacking the religious symbol of the Holiday which is the headless turkey who gave his life so that Sarah Palin could use him in the background of some pointless unintelligible ghastly interview. Now if your relatives makes a salad, obviously they have vacated their senses and must be restrained with bungee cords in the basement before anyone in the house inadvertently consumes a healthful green on the country's most hallowed day of gluttony. Homeland Security will be waterboarding anyone caught eating greens of any kind not cooked in some type of fat and cream. Later, when Uncle Gomer has finished his half dozen whiskey sours and is staring at his plate with an expression of outright dread, it will become clear that the creamed pearl onions are a communist plot, because evidently wild wolves raised him...wolves in the Soviet Union where, apparently, party doctrine demanded these obscene subterranean items be served and also dictated that Thanksgiving include corn, in canned niblet form. Niblets, for heaven's sake. So now your mother has to waste time explaining to Uncle Gomer they don't even have creamed onions in VLADIVOSTOK, THOSE POOR BASTARDS"!

Of course by now some relative who began slamming Bloody Marys at ten in the morning says "not everyone does things the way we do, remember? You know, like those heathens who eat at one in the afternoon instead of at four-thirty, so as not to miss any of the football?" And your mother announces that Thanksgiving is not about football, it is about giving thanks for not living in Russia and eating nibletted corn, and furthermore, she is certainly not going to get up at four in the goddamn morning to put the goddamn bird in the goddamn oven just so everyone can shovel food into their mouths in a big goddamn hurry and rush off to watch TV, but by now they already have.

After arguing about which pie is the proper one for true Thanksgiving we all realize that togetherness, family, and flying electric knives, vegetables and baked goods deflected off of old people's heads is the real deal...the grand purpose of the tradition; and when you and that someone you love curl up in front of the fireplace for a post-turkey nap, the difference between stuffing and dressing or whatever the hell doesn't matter all that much and neither do these stupid claims that there is a war on any holidays. Americans like holidays, and if anything wish there were more. Hey, pass the creamed onions there comrades.
Of course no Thanksgiving is complete without William S. Burroughs ...