By National Buffoon Cosmic Correspondent Claire Voyant
Aries: Most Aries are successful murderous psychopaths. Today a bout of uncontrollable flatulence will not endear you to anyone. The Universe laughs at you behind your back. Being a simpleton, you call ‘em like you see ‘em, but as you’re prone to hallucinations, this could definitely become an issue. Jail sentences between 5 and 10 years may be applicable to your situation today. ...
Taurus: In biscuits one can find redemption. Especially when soaked in Rum. Often malodorous, Taureans are renowned for their poor sense of humor and their ability to attract vermin. Of particular use in a Taureans faculties, is his/her ability to pick their nose ambidextrously.
Gemini: You will suffer great pain after messing with powerful forces you know nothing about. Namely Gravity. Many of your social hang-ups would disappear if you started wearing clothes.
Not all Geminis are annoying, some are dead.
Cancer: The meaning of life is ∑∫♣ØŒ∞ Åξ≡Ξ§¶¥ψδ. Yes! It’s that simple.
Today you will undoubtedly join or not join a Gospel Quartet with any number of people in it except four.
Leo: Don’t worry, the excruciating pain you’re in won’t last forever. It will however, last for the rest of your pitiful life. We'd like to help you out...seriously, which way did you come in? Leos are excellent liars and often have herpes. Give up all hope. Stay in bed.
Virgo: Your ship will come in but it's called the Titanic. You'll enjoy the hospitality of it's Captain, Joe Hazelton. Invest in swimming lessons. Many Virgos excel at absolutely nothing. No Virgo has ever contributed anything to civilization. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Libra: You will soon find that your life’s story is interchangeable with any reality television show. In other words trashy and completely useless. An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.
Scorpio: Today the world is your oyster, but your allergic to shellfish and will become deathly ill. At least pets and babies find you somewhat amusing. Well, not really, but they can't speak up. Most syphilitic lepers with giant tumors protruding out of their eye sockets are Scorpios.
Sagittarius: Most people will think that you are annoying but you already knew that. As a matter of fact you are starting to annoy me now! You are just down right goofy. Don't deny it you goofy bastard! You will meet a great love interest but they won't be your type...not inflatable.
Capricorn: This month will see Pluto move behind Uranus. Exactly what Pluto will do behind Uranus is anyone's guess, but the video should ship for about $19.99. You will be beaten senseless by some crackhead punk. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.
Aquarius: Remember: Humans are just as scared of you, as you are of them. You will develop a relationship with a She-beast seeking new people to stalk and drain the humanity out of. You will be even more anal-retentive in the future.
Pisces: You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. In other words, you're a dumbfuck without even the common sense of a carrot. Give up all hope.
