It's A Blunderful Life - Bollocks, Boobs, Blunders & Valentines Day

THE MASSACRE

Valentine's day looms balefully before us.

Yes folks, on this day we commemorate the relationship;

...no not the one your involved in,

but the historic relationship between Al Capone and Bugs Moran.

This is the single most contrived holiday ever invented

for the purpose of picking pockets and advancing consumerism.

The orthodox method of celebration however

is to purchase some item which is then exchanged for sexual favors.

This of course is completely different from prostitution. Of course it is.

I imagine we all have our own ways of celebrating,

I for instance will stimulate the Mexican economy with the purchase of a fine bottle of tequila.

Which brings us to considering for a moment

Freud's contribution to buffoonery-

"The great question - which I have not been able to answer is, - What does a woman want?"

- Sigmund Freud

With romance and conspicuous consumption in the air,

it seems Freud's "great question" has finally been answered!

(By buffoons of course!)

The answer is in "the Kabakoff Affair".

(No, it's not bad episode of "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.")

Robert Kabakoff was riding his bike in Central Park while listening to tunes on his MP3 player one day. He passed a young woman who was sunbathing with her skirt hiked up and her derriere fully exposed. Kabakoff snapped a photo to document the "happy ending" with his cellphone from a polite distance (the bike path, 15 feet away). Another woman with our bare bunned sunbather noticed and took offense. The police were called in and Mr. Kabakoff was handcuffed, arrested, and spent the night in jail.

Apparently there is a law that, according to the New York Daily News outlaws "unlawful surveillance". This is a felony in that jurisdiction. Naturally, this "unlawful surveillance" concept only applies to private citizens as the local government allows itself a Larry Craig wide stance when it comes to surveillance latitude. As part of the patriotic paranoia offered up as a "solution" to religious extremists hi jacking airplanes, New York City has been involved in a government surveillance scheme known as the Lower Manhattan Security Initiative, which involves the installation of about 3,000 surveillance cameras and 100 license-plate readers in the business district south of Canal Street. Apparently, no one seems to oppose this extreme level of government intrusion. After all, as Randy Newman pointed out in A FEW WORDS IN DEFENSE OF OUR COUNTRY "A president once said We have nothing to fear but fear itself... now we are told we should be afraid, it's patriotic in fact, color coded...)


PIRATE BOOTY

What a weirdo wonderland we have created. Is Bloomberg BEHIND this? The National Buffoon will get to the BOTTOM of this issue! Admitedly, Kabakoff's behavior was tacky, a social faux pas. Yet there's nothing intrinsically abusive about taking a picture in a public space, especially if the particular subject of the photography is treating the public to generous views of her mudflaps. Not to be insensitive, but privacy in a public park is quite limited to say the least. Surely many passersby observed the caboose that day – Kabakoff merely recorded the event for posterior, er, posterity.






Kabakoff received $8,000 as settlement and left for a European Vacation.I hope he didn't bring his camera.So to answer Freud's question. "What does a woman want?"
A women wants you in handcuffs.


Happy Valentines Day!

The National Buffoon spotlights...what else?
BUFFOONS.
Not just any ordinary run of the mill buffoons mind you,
but extraordinary buffoons!
 

From the pompous executives at Decca records,
Mike Smith and Dick Rowe who claimed
"Guitar groups are on their way out"

while passing up signing the Beatles in 1962,
to the engineer at the Advanced Computer Systems at IBM who said
"But what ... is it good for?" in 1968, commenting on the microchip.


If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from... morons?
And why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
And why on earth are instructions needed on shampoo?
Buffoonery is nothing new. It is a time honored tradition.

A closed mouth gathers no feet. 
There is an Assyrian tablet dated at 2800 BCE.
It says- The Earth is degenerating today.
Bribery and corruption abound.
Children no longer obey their parents,
every man wants to write a book,
and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching".

 Cardinal Bellarmine, in a Letter to Foscarinin, April 12, 1615 wrote-
"First, . . . to want to affirm that in reality the sun is at the center of the world and only turns on itself without moving from east to west, and the earth . . . revolves with great speed around the sun . . .is a very dangerous thing, likely not only to irritate all scholastic philosophers and theologians, but also to harm the Holy Faith by rendering Holy Scripture false. Nor can one answer that this is not a matter of faith, since if it is not a matter of faith "as regards the topic," it is a matter of faith "as regards the speaker"; and so it would be heretical to say that Abraham did not have two children and Jacob twelve, as well as to say that Christ was not born of a virgin, because both are said by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of the prophets and the apostles."
What a buffoon. 

"To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour.
It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes."
-Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)
What a buffoon.

.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country
and talked with the best people,
and I can assure you
that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-Prentice Hall, editor in charge of business books, 1957

What a buffoon


I suspect we are all buffoons,
some perhaps more given to slaphappy activity than others.
But as we stumble through our lives,
from time to time we trip over some remarkable insights,
giving the impression that we are not chowderheads.
Yet the truth is we are indeed both fools
and trenchant sophisticates in our own ways.  



Even August Comte, the French Philosopher
who created the Law of Three Stages,
which states that a society is a whole,
and each particular science,
develops through three mentally conceived stages;
Theological Stage, Metaphysics or Abstract Stage,
and the Positive Stage
(known as Positivism: which emphasized reason and logic)
managed to fire this one off-
"Every attempt to employ mathematical methods in the study of chemical questions must be considered profoundly irrational and contrary to the spirit of chemistry.... if mathematical analysis should ever hold a prominent place in chemistry -- an aberration which is happily almost impossible -- it would occasion a rapid and widespread degeneration of that science."


A further proof of man's dual nature follows:
"Radio is just a fashion contrivance that will soon die out.
It is obvious that there never will be invented a proper receiver!"
-Thomas Edison

"640Kb ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates, 1981

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872


"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-Irving Fisher, 1929


"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
-Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

It's Deja Vu All Over Again

In the mid-1970s, the executives at the W.T. Grant variety store chain,
one of the U.S.'s largest retailers at the time,
decided that the best way to increase sales was to increase the number of customers
… by offering credit.
It put tremendous “negative incentive” pressure on store managers to issue credit.

Employees who didn’t meet their credit quotas risked complete humiliation.
They had pies thrown in their faces, were forced to push peanuts across the floor with their noses,
and were sent through hotel lobbies wearing only diapers.

Eager to avoid such total embarrassment, store managers gave credit “to anyone who breathed,”
including untold thousands of customers who were bad risks.
W.T. Grant racked up $800 million worth of bad debts before it finally collapsed in 1977.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So much so, numerous financial institutions have since adapted and tried to perfect the process!