Dr. Tongue's House Of Physics

By National Buffoon Physics Correspondent
Dr. Tongue





In light of the dreadful circumstances & near equally dreadful media coverage of the disaster in Japan, it has become neccisary to update our definitions in the post Fukushima era we find ourselves in today. Here we have the revised words and meanings for physicists today.

Half Life - How much of your lifespan has now been lost by listening to the misinformation in the media's reporting on Fukushima.
Table of elements - The place where the seafood from Japan is being served.

Reactor Number Two - What happens in the stall after you eat McDonald's Happy Meal Combo #1 in Japan.

Under control - Hopelessly out of control and probably likely to explode at any minute. As in, "Reactor No. 2 is completely under control now."

Neutron - The new sci-fi movie starring Jeff Bridges, as opposed to the "Old Tron."

Cesium - Part of the answer given by nuclear safety workers when asked, "Where is the Fukushima safety manager?" The reply? "I thinks I cesium somewhere around here..."

Safe - The new government euphemism for "more than enough to give you cancer." As in, "The radioactive fallout from Fukushima is now SAFE."

Nukular - How George W. Bush pronounces "nuclear." To master the "nukular" pronunciation, simply start with the word "nuclear" and then subtract one hundred IQ points.

Fission - The result of the collision between one loose cannon idea and a spherical critical mass of bureaucratic corruption in the power industry. The resulting explosion gives off two additional loose cannon ideas that go on to cause a chain reaction throughout the entire government leading to a total meltdown of integrity.

Preparedness plan - What the U.S. government now officially describes as "sitting on the couch watching TV while consuming McDonald's Happy Meal Combo #1."