There exists a ponderous bulk of obtuse and subnormal quotations, echoing about the canyons of crass canards, valleys of vile vignettes, and the mountains of malaise. Reprehensible remarks reverberating recklessly through the time space continuum. Embarrassing to all who are unfortunate enough to be within earshot or share the minutest quantity of DNA with the elocutionist responsible for such nonsense! As a public disservice, National Buffoon has compiled many of the worst right here for your reading displeasure. Proceed with caution, as many of these pearls of wisdom, if contemplated, have indeed caused the cessation of higher brain functions.
"I am not a crook!""This is a great day for France!"
--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?"
--Richard M. Nixon
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue."
--Richard M. Nixon
I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone's tape recording what you say.
--Richard M. Nixon
"The press is the enemy. "
--Richard M. Nixon
"There can be no whitewash at the White House."
--Richard M. Nixon
"When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal. "
--Richard M. Nixon
"John Lennon is a paradox because he is difficult to judge by the normal standards of civilized life ... His main reason for being is to destroy, blindly and indiscriminately, to tear down and provoke chaos ..."
--J.Edgar Hoover Memo to Nixon
U.S President Bush, the bellwether bungler of banter...
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." George W Bush, during a debate in St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." George W Bush, Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000
"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce." George W Bush, Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001
"Boy, they were big on crematoriums, weren't they?"
George W Bush, after touring the Auschwitz death camp, Chicago Sun-Times, 29th January 1992
"Reading is the basics for all learning."
George W Bush, 'All Things Considered', National Public Radio, 28th March 2000
"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorize himself."
George W. Bush, Grand Rapids, Mich., Jan. 29, 2003
"The world is more peaceful and more free under my leadership."
George W Bush, White House, Oct. 28, 2003
"There's a lot of things that there's misconceptions. Evidently it's a misconceptions that Americans believe that Muslims are terrorists."
George W Bush, Aboard Air Force One, en route to Australia, Oct. 22, 2003
"[Canadians] better hope the United States does not roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent."
Ann Coulter on Fox News 30/11/04
"I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo."
Ann Coulter writing in her column on 21/12/05
To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war."
-- Ann Coulter, MSNBC
"We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed too. Otherwise they will turn out to be outright traitors."
-- Ann Coulter, CPAC convention, February 2002
"I have to say I'm all for public flogging."
-- Ann Coulter, MSNBC, March 22, 1997
Gargantuan among gauche and gaffe givers...the feculent facilitator of the floundering faux pas..."It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle
"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right."
Dan Quayle, in a speech to the Christian Coalition
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
Dan Quayle
For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Dan Quayle
Dullards, dunces and dandies of driveling dupery..."Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
Alan Minter, Boxer
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
"Facts are stupid things."
-- Ronald Reagan
"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These things are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."
--Newt Gingrich
"We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems,
we can have troubles."
- Governor Wesley Bolin
"I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted." --Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
AGHHH!"Life is very important to Americans."
--Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"Where the hell is Australia anyway?" --Britney Spears, Pop Singer
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
"It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks"
- Colin Baker, ITV
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job."
-- George Bush
"Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country."
- Ian Rush
"I cannot tell you how grateful I am -- I am filled with humidity."
--Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House
"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles do."
--Ronald Reagan
"More and more of our imports come from overseas."
--George W Bush
Reductio ad absurdum, rancorous pseudo-religious rants and proselytizing poobahs...
"I don´t know that atheists should be considered citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God."
--George Bush
"The Christian community has a golden opportunity to train an army of dedicated teachers who can invade the public school classrooms and use them to influence the nation for Christ." American Presbyterian Minister James Kennedy
"AIDS is not just God´s punishment for homosexuals; it is God´s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals." American Jerry Falwell founder of the Thomas Road Baptist Church
"Nobody has the right to worship on this planet any other God than Jehovah. And therefore the state does not have the responsibility to defend anybody´s pseudo-right to worship an idol." American Joseph Morecraft of the Chalcedon Presbyterian Church
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."American Pat Robertson who founded the Christian Coalition
"The earth is flat, and anyone who disputes this claim is an atheist who deserves to be punished." Saudi Arabian Sheik Abdel-Aziz Ibn Baaz, author of a Muslim religious edict written in 1993
"This is not the homo land. This is the Holy Land. It´s inappropriate here. Jerusalem is not a Greenwich Village, huge gay bar. It´s Jerusalem, the Holy City." American Rabbi Yehuda Levin talking about a proposed Gay Pride march in Jerusalem
"I want you to just let a wave of intolerance wash over you. I want you to let a wave of hatred wash over you. Yes, hate is good... Our goal is a Christian nation. We have a biblical duty, we are called on by God to conquer this country. We don't want equal time. We don't want pluralism."
--Randall Terry, The News Sentinel, (Ft. Wayne, IN.)
"We are to make Bible-obeying disciples of anybody that gets in our way."
--Jay Grimstead, February 1987
"So let us be blunt about it: We must use the doctrine of religious liberty to gain independence for Christian schools until we train up a generation of people who know that there is no religious neutrality, no neutral law, no neutral education, and no neutral civil government. Then they will be get busy in constructing a Bible-based social, political and religious order which finally denies the religious liberty of the enemies of God."
--Gary North
"This is our land. This is our world. This is our heritage, and with God's help, we shall reclaim this nation for Jesus Christ. And no power on earth can stop us."
--D. James Kennedy
"The Church doesn't believe in book-burning, but it believes in restricting the use of dangerous books among those whose minds are unprepared for them."
--Francis J. Lally, American Roman Catholic Monsignor
"When you know the LORD you have no need for masturbation."
--Brice Wellington
"The judges need to be intimidated, they need to uphold the Constitution. If they don't behave, we're going to go after them in a big way."
--Tom DeLay
"Only stupid parents would leave their children in the filthy, immoral, dangerous, public 'education' institutions for indoctrination by socialists."
--J.M. Sutherland, The Christian Alert Network
"If the Americans go in and overthrow Saddam Hussein and it's clean, he has nothing, I will apologize to the nation, and I will not trust the Bush Administration again, all right?"
- Bill O Reilly on finding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, March 18, 2003
(Where is that national apology? Last I checked Bill was proudly falafeling Bush.)
“The public perception … that you go to a 7-Eleven and grab beer, cigarettes and a lottery ticket. That’s not all we’re about.”
– 7-Eleven CEO Joe DePinto ( reminding consumers that his brand is also about milk and candy bars , I imagine.)
"Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed."
--Prince Phillip
"What do you think about that?"
--Sen. Larry Craig (R-ID), after handing his Senate business card to the police officer who arrested him for attempting to solicit sex in a Minneapolis airport mens room.
"Like a normal outdoor market in Indiana in the summertime."
--Rep Mike Pence (R-IN), describing his visit to a Baghdad market where a suicide bomber killed 88 people a few months earlier. Pence and the other members of the U.S. delegation visiting the market were wearing bulletproof attire while surrounded by 100 soldiers in armored Humvees and attack helicopters.
We understand the importance of having bondage between parents and their children.
--Dan Quayle
- Britney Spears
Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.
Doug Collins, basketball commentator
"I think incest can be handled as a family matter within the family."
-- Jay Dickey Jr., U.S. representative from Arkansas
"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
--Carol Malia
"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work." --Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress, Feb. 16, 2005
"So many minority youths had volunteered…that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself."
--Tom DeLay, explaining at the 1988 GOP convention why he and vice presidential nominee Dan Quayle did not fight in the Vietnam War
"The truth is that for reasons that have a lot to do with the U.S. government bureaucracy, we settled on the one issue that everyone could agree on, which was weapons of mass destruction, as the core reason."
--Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz, "Vanity Fair" interview, May 28, 2003
-- Elizabeth Dole, U.S. senator
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me."
-- Miriam Ferguson, Texas governor
"Capital punishment is our way of demonstrating
the sanctity of life."
-Orrin Hatch
"I think gay marriage is something that should be between
a man and a woman"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"My party is demonstrating that they are for states' rights unless they don't
like what states are doing."
Christopher Shays, Republican congressman of Connecticut
"When a man is asked to make a speech, the first thing he
has to decide is what to say."
Gerald R. Ford, US President
“This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.”
– G.W. Bush, as quoted by the New York Daily News, April 23, 2002
“The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our
number one priority and we will not rest until we find him.”
–Dubya, Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001
“I don’t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don’t care. It’s not
that important. It’s not our priority.”
–Dubya, Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002
“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?”
–Dubya, Florence, South Carolina, Jan. 11, 2000
