The Medicine Man

A Native American chief goes to his medicine man and states I have
three squaws and many daughters. I need a son to become chief when I
die. What can I do to beget a son?



The medicine man goes to the holy mountain and fasts, chants, and
beats himself with sacred branches. After several weeks, he returns
to the chief and says It has been revealed to me. You shall gird
your loins and save your seed until the next full moon. Then, when
the moon is full you should lie with each of your squaws in her turn.
You will be rewarded for your obedience.



The Chief follows these directions and when the moon is next full,
goes first to the squaw in the teepee on the antelope hide. He next
goes to the squaw in the teepee on the buffalo hide. And finally he
goes to the third squaw, the one in the teepee on the hippopotamus
hide.

Nine moons later, as the full moon shines on the encampment, all three
squaws go into labor.

The chief awaits the outcome in his teepee, smoking the sacred pipe.

Finally, a messenger comes. The squaw on the antelope hide has
had a boy papoose!

The Chief has barely begun to celebrate when the second messenger
comes. The squaw on the buffalo hide has had another boy
papoose!

And before his elation can really hit him, the third messenger
announces: the squaw on the hippopotamus hide has had twin boy
papooses!

The Chief is overcome, and hurries to the medicine man. I have been
without a male offspring for many, many moons. Now I suddenly have
four. What is the meaning of this great sign?

The medicine man hurries to the sacred mountain and begins his chants,
fasts, and self-beatings. A few days later her returns to the Chief.

The meaning of this great sign has been revealed to me:

The sum of the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the
sum of the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Crappy Valentine's Day

Remember, it is better to have loved and lost than to have never lost at all.
As I was driving this evening, I passed a sign displayed prominently in a store window.
It displayed a picture of a card covered in red roses which proclaimed
"You Are My One And Only!"
Beneath this picture, it read "SALE! - 4 for 5 dollars"

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand."- John Waters

Roses are red, Violets are ...well they are violet -not blue,
Sugar is sweet and will rot your teeth,




The wisdom of Cupid is surely debatable,
That's why folks have beaus that are inflatable,







The Roses are wilting, the violets dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I see your face when I am dreaming...
that is why i wake up screaming.

I didn't get you chocolates or flowers but here's a heart shaped pizza!

My feelings for you no words can tell...
except for maybe " go to hell"

I love your smile, your face and you eyes,
damn I'm good at telling lies!


My darling, my lover, my beautiful ducky,
You took over my life and made it all sucky,




I want to feel your sweet embrace,
but don't take that paper bag off of your face,

What inspired this amorous rhyme?...
two parts vodka, one part lime.

(Just some humor, this is not about my relationship which of course is quite lovely)

The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Malodorous, over-priced flowers,
Which wither and die within hours,

Fattening sweets surely despised,
Bringing cellulite straight to the thighs,

Only in The USA, Geesh!

Tacky red cards with the line
'Dear Valentine won't you be mine'

So if it's my heart that you seek
Please listen to these words I speak
Send cupid away
Forget Valentine's Day !



A bunch early Christian martyrs were named Valentine. The Valentines honored on February 14 are Valentine of Rome (Valentinus presb. m. Romae) and Valentine of Terni (Valentinus ep. Interamnensis m. Romae). The Catholic Encyclopedia also speaks of a third saint named Valentine who was mentioned in early martyrologies under date of February 14. He was martyred in Africa with a number of companions, but nothing more is known about him.


No romantic elements are present in the original early medieval biographies of any of these martyrs. By the time a Saint Valentine became linked to romance in the fourteenth century, distinctions between Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni were completely lost. Roman Emperor Claudius II according to legend beheaded him (them) over a row about paganism vs. papal-ism. Irony Alert! In a coup on behalf of pagans everywhere, somehow this headless fellow's holiday is represented by the child of Venus and Psyche...a PAGAN story.

For eight hundred years prior to the establishment of Valentine's Day, the Romans had practiced a pagan celebration in mid-February commemorating young men's rite of passage to the god Lupercus. The celebration featured a lottery in which young men would draw the names of teenage girls from a box. The girl assigned to each young man in that manner would be his companion during the day, week or remaining year.

In an effort to do away with the pagan festival, Pope Gelasius ordered a slight change in the lottery. Instead of the names of young women, the box would contain the names of saints. Needless to say, most of the young Roman men were not too pleased with the rule changes. And of course this holiday celebrates the tradition of emissaries of the church attempting to insert themselves into the sex lives of young boys.

Somehow this has morphed into the excuse to pick men's pockets we now enjoy today.