National Buffoon Acquires Letter Home From The Front Of The War On Christmas

These are the letters home from Billy Bob Lillywhite to his wife
Martha Lillywhite. It was kind of her to share them with us.
What might it be like to be the wife of one of the brave Christian soldiers
who is putting his life on the line
protecting your right to insist non Christian store clerks say "Merry Christmas"
not just to yourself, but to all Americans.
Especially those who are Jewish, Muslim, Native American,
or especially those atheists.

Without further ado, here are the letters:

My dearest Martha,


I'm writing to you from the front lines of the War on Christmas.


I know you didn't want me to enlist, Martha, but I felt I had a civic duty to my country.
I am but a humble, red-blooded, white, Christian, American male.
I'd rather die than look someone in the eyes and say "happy holidays."



This is a mighty war, Martha.
We march on boldly to the beat of beloved Christmas carols.
Carols like "The Little Drummer Boy, ""Good King Wenceslas," and "Here Comes Santa Claus."
But rest assured, there are no silent nights in war!
Soon we will deck the halls with the blood and entrails of our enemies
 to honor the Prince Of Peace..


We also march along to "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
because it's my favorite song.
That's why I insisted we play it at our wedding
even though we were married in June.
Our greatest opponents, The Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion, also have music.
Mostly that one Adam Sandler song,
 And they play it despite knowing full well
that the UN considers this a war crime.

Now, as you know, Martha, I’m no anti-Semite.
No no. Far from it!
It’s just that anything other than Christianity is wrong.




I was hopeful that our path to victory would be swift.
After all, Jesus and Santa are more marketable than dreidels and gelt.
But it's the damnedest thing..
For when the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion first arrived on the battlefield,
we were certain they only had enough ammunition to last them one night.
And yet somehow, despite all odds,
their ammunition has lasted for eight days. It's crazy!


Also, the other day some old guy with a stick shouted something and it started raining frogs, which makes even less sense. and is quite annoying.
 I haven't seen raining frogs since 1999.

Our enemies have us outwitted and outmanned.
At this point, our only strategy is that when the great battle  arrives,
the remaining members of the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion
forgo the war and instead
return home to take their families out for Chinese Food and a movie.

 Of course, it would be one thing if my infantry
was only going up against the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion.
Alas, we must also prepare to wage war against the dreaded Kwanzaa Brigade.
I feared the Kwanzaa Brigade  It's one of the things I have in common with Mike Pence,
John Mayer's dick, and a surprising number of American police officers.

But as luck would have it,  not many people celebrate Kwanzaa.
In fact, the Kwanzaa Brigade is almost entirely comprised of white liberals
arguing with other white liberals about the importance of Kwanzaa.
They actually spend so much time arguing amongst themselves
that they rarely pose any real threat to my infantry.
Nonetheless, I remain hesitant of their Kwanzaa antics,
 We still have no idea what Kwanzaa is about.
From what I've observed,
 Kwanzaa is the same as Hanukkah/Chanukah,
but with one less day
and  dashikis.


I'm sure there are other holidays out there that pose a threat to Christmas.
It can't just be Kwanzaa and Hanukkah/Chanukah.
Surely those Buddhists must be up to something,
but the only Buddhist I know is that white guy with dreads
who gives out free kombucha samples at Whole Foods.
And when I asked him what he was doing this December,
he said he planned on "Tokin' and pokin.'"
And though I'm not entirely sure what that means, the hand gesture he used
to accompany the expression certainly seemed unwholesome.
So now I hate Buddhists. After all, I am but a humble, red-blooded,
white, Christian, American male, and I can only assume
that all Buddhists are exactly the same as the one Buddhist I know.

There was a Christmas Miracle on the 25th though.
Praise the lord.
A truce was called,
and we all shared our rations of fruitcake with the enemies...
who shared matzah balls & collard greens with us.
We all sat down together and agreed that we all
really hate the atheists and secular humanism even more than the Satanists.
I mean at least Satanists believe in magical nonsense like we do.
But those secular humanists?
They don't have any faith at all.
They don't believe in shit!

Despite the temporary respite, rest assured, Martha,
the War on Christmas is far from over.
But just as I'm sure that Jesus was a white, blue-eyed baby
born on  December 25th...  I'm sure that my infantry will keep on fighting.
I refuse to let America's youth grow up in a country that says "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas."

So kiss the children for me, Martha.
And when you take the girls to go see Santa, please take them to the mall across town.
I hear the Santa at the mall in our neighborhood is an atheist!

Pruitt Directs EPA To Save The Kentucky Wildcat

LEXINGTON, KY - EPA administrator Scott Pruitt is personally monitoring the status of the near extinct Kentucky Wildcat, a species so rare only one remains on Earth.
“Right now we’re trying to find a female to mate with it, which shouldn’t be hard because it’s a majestic specimen that can jump through flaming hula hoops and dunk a basketball,” said Scott Pruitt

Scientists around the world have been given the task to save the Kentucky Wildcat and help it succeed at all costs.
“I think it’s great the EPA administrator is taking such a personal interest in the health and long-term sustainability of the environment.
Although I guess that’s what they’re supposed to be doing,” said one of the agencies chief scientists.

Saving the nearly extinct Wildcat has drawn an unlikely supporter, billionaire coal executive Joseph W Craft III, who has offered a reward if the Kentucky Wildcat can be successfully mated.
“I’m so impressed with Mr. Pruitt taking up this cause, that I’ve decided to donate ten million dollars to his personal account!" said Mr. Craft.

Trump- Pootin' America First! - (He that Smelt It)

Ok, is it just me?
Or does anyone else find the irony of Trump and Putin being world leaders and also being synonyms for farts too funny not to point out?

What will happen when they meet?
I don't know but I wouldn't light a match in that room!
Best open a window!

Pootin' says "Conflatulations on your election" 
Welcome to Trump Towers

​Farty on dudes.

It's the New Whirled Odor.

 So we have President Poop Fart...no wonder Europeans can't trust him!

 

You might say these two have an inflatulation...Many people suffer from eggs o' stenchial angst because of these two world leaders.

Yes, I know this post stinks.

Shitty Holiday Music List -The Worst Of The Worst

Ok Christmas is over, let's make our yearly lists ...I'll start with the worst holiday music I heard over the last month. Here it is gang. It was not easy but here are the 10 worst Christmas songs heard over the last month by this reporter.

(1) Home For Christmas – N’SYNC
The lyric “You can light the fire
I’m sending out this wire (sendin’ a wiii-yahhh)”
… was the point for me where this horrid excuse for a song spun into the wall of tires at Joe's Tire Shop, sending warm fragments of Goodyears all over the place. Oh, and if any tinpot has been 'boyband'  actually tried to light an open fire they would not find it easy. You can not just casually farm this out to someone through the medium of a crap ballad, that’s for certain. And it’s not like they offered to lob in a few dried twigs or lighter fluid, either…
Throw this one on the fire.
(2) This Christmas – Christina Aguilera
Before being royally stitched up by Maroon 5, any song involving Christina Aguilera used to always share exactly the same overriding theme – i.e. how great Christina Aguilera is, from the perspective of Christina Aguilera. Nowadays, however, musical wallpaper Adam Levine has the distinction of being the first ever musical collaborator to quash Aguilera’s trademark vocal into such indistinguishable middle-of-the-road mulch that you just have to take their word for it that she is on the recording at all. Maybe she helped them shift their stuff round the studio or something, or provided essential “vibes” throughout the recording. Anyway, This Christmas, surprisingly, is going to be a special Christmas for – wait for it – Christina Aguilera. From the point-of-view of Christina Aguilera, at any rate…
(3) Christmas in the Caribbean – Jimmy Buffett
Ah, here’s a promising concept. Hopefully the songwriter has immersed himself into island culture and really tried to imagine the festive season through the eyes of the people who live their lives in the Caribbean day-to-day, as opposed to, say, chucking together a bunch of pernicious clichés about their perceived easy-going approach to life, nice weather, and how everyone’s always happy all the time…
[3 minutes and 8 seconds later]
No. Didn’t think so.
(4) Eight Days of Christmas – Destiny’s Child
A pair of Chloe shades, a diamond belly ring, a nice back rub, some massaged feet (own), a crap jacket, some dirty denim jeans, a poem, a candlelit dinner, a gift certificate, the keys to a CLK Mercedes, and some quality t-i-m-e (basically, all the t-i-m-e outside the realms of this particular three-and-a-half minutes)…
Meanwhile, Kelly Rowland had to make do with some used Lego and a penny whistle, whilst Michelle Someone-or-other just got a hastily-written card bought from a gas station…
(5) Santa Baby – Madonna
When I first heard this one, I assumed it was just a bit of drunken piano-leaning from a long-forgotten eighties shlockmonger such as Bette Midler or Cyndi Lauper. I mean, this doesn’t even sound like … this … just sounds weird…
Madonna may have had some kind of bet on as to what she could release that Gwen Stefani wouldn’t immediately pilfer? You know, sort of a musical equivalent of the time Bill Hicks famously gave up smoking just to see if Denis Leary would follow suit?
Anyway throw this in the rubbish heap and never darken my ears with this again.
(6) My Grown Up Christmas List – Barbara Streisand
Ah, Barbara Streisand. She’s got a nose for a good tune. I’m sorry.
(7) Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Michael Bolton
Basically, any attempt to make a recording of Michael Bolton is a complete waste of recording equipment, studio time, electricity and oxygen. Oh, and in this case, saxophones and pianos that go “ker-plink-a-plinkity-plinkity-plinkity-plonk-plonk-plonk-plonk”…kill me now.
(8) All I Want For Christmas is a Real Good Tan – Kenny Chesney
That’s coincidental, actually, because all I want for Christmas is a condescending, cliché-ridden country track whose trite lyricism makes 3 Blind Mice seem like a Bob Dylan masterpiece.
And Chesney doesn’t disappoint on that front, either – check out THIS howler:
“Well if you’re thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ me a present this year
Let me put a bug in your cute little ear…”
Yes, it does, doesn’t it? Worse than sundried vomit  combined with fresh dogshit, in fact. And if you think THAT’S bad, take a look at Exhibit B:
“Don’t worry, baby, we’ll celebrate plenty
I’ll buy you some shades and a brand new bikini…”
Alright, he got all the way up to the word “plenty” and thought “Oh fuck, there’s no word that rhymes with ‘plenty’ and, not wishing to ruin any of his previous hard work, simply fudged the next line hoping no-one would notice. But he’s right. There is no word which rhymes with “plenty”. The nearest I can think up off-hand is “anal-entry”, so maybe Kenny can work his lyrical magic on that one next time…
And THIS…
“Rockin’ to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean
Singin’ Silent Night with the palm trees blowin’…”
… will probably just get you committed if you hear it more than once.
(9) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Jimmy Boyd
Interestingly, this is the 2^nd track on this 10-song list by a person called Jimmy, meaning that, statistically, if you’re born in the US and called Jimmy/James, you are 20% likely to feature in a shit Christmas song!  And that’s undeniable scientific FACT, ladies and gentlemen … *needlessly slams fist on desk*.
And you can’t argue with cold, hard logic at the end of the day…
(10) The Christmas Shoes – Newsong
I don’t want to sound heartless or anything, but did the kid really have to leave it until Christmas Eve to buy those shoes? And the man out of Newsong, he’s not much better, either. I mean, a kid with an ill mum is one thing, but what excuse has a fully-grown adult man got for doing his Christmas shopping on Chrimbo Eve? And he was in the line BEHIND the boy, meaning, if anything, he’d left it that much later than that poor, blameless little scamp with the ill mum. Actually, kid, you’re off the hook as far as I’m concerned – go and be with your mother – she’s lucky to have a son like you. Not like THIS knobhead who stood behind you – come on, Newsong man, let’s at least see what you’re buying…
*peers inside bag*
What’s this? Some sunglasses and … a bikini … do you KNOW what time of year it … hey, hang on a minute…

Things To Do at Christmas Time...

Give a woman with no arms a "Clapper".

 

Arrange holiday plush toys in obscene poses.

 

 Hijack a mall Christmas Train

 

Make a gingerbread crackhouse.

 

 Burn some cookies.

Decorate Santa's Skeleton.


Put an elf on the shelf in a rude pose.

Steal a road cone and decorate it like a Christmas Tree.

Donate the worst Christmas tree you can find to a local church,
they'll be obligated to display it.


Dress like a shithead and walk around the mall.


Push a tree down on some TV sports announcer.

Bake rude cookies.

Quasi-Epistemology Of Spherical Chickens In The Standard Model Semi-Constant ...or Entropy: It Ain't What It Used To Be

Psychologists tell us the logical mind has a strong bias towards thinking in terms of cause and effect.  Neuroscientists suggest reality itself is merely a construct of one's own brain. Physicists can't seem to focus on a solution because they have too many ions in the fire. So where do we turn for a definitive semi-constant?
The National Buffoon of course.
Humans seem to have a need to search for a cause for the first effect, the formation of the Universe.
We tend to frame this in terms of a spherical chicken-or-egg conundrum, a flawed a priori hypothesis.  Since no success has been achieved using reason, the time has come for illogical acausal explanations.

    Logical thinkers have a bias to associate “logical” with “true”, and “illogical” with “false”.
Yet clearly Gödel’s incompleteness theorem tells us that there are true propositions which can not be proven within any given logically consistent system.  These propositions are logically discontinuous, or not to put too fine a point on it, illogical but true.

Consider the universe forming into a flat, featureless, dimensionless, and timeless void.  This is the so-called Big Bang which pops Mass, Energy, Space and Time (MEST) into existence.  In the absence of MEST there is a corresponding absence of physical law.   In the absence of physical law there is nothing to preclude something from happening for no reason. Once a MEST is made, it's difficult to clean up...and it imposes the physical laws which govern what can happen next.

          According to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, the product of the conjugate attributes of a particle’s momentum and position, and, more interestingly, a virtual particle’s energy and the time duration of its existence, can be no greater than Planck’s constant, h bar (the bar is short for the big bang..BARROOM! or Bar Room as we will refer to it in this article).  The accountancy of energy conservation allows for inaccurate balances.  Nature (as well as Wall Street Banking concerns) take these liberties right up to the theoretical limit.

  So it seems that if a particle with the mass-energy content of the Universe pops into being and hangs around for as long as it has suggests that the value of h would have to be many, many, many times larger than its current value to be proportional to the initial void it had to expand into.  This particle with infinite energy popping into existence and expanding at an infinite rate for an infinitesimal amount of time yields a value of h which is in sore need of renormalization. 
Infinities are pesky. These particular annoying infinities need to be managed mathematically.

 

          As the threads of space spread out into the void of nothingness, nature’s freedom to create was confined to the interstices.  Creative freedom is only indirectly a function of the fabric of space.  It is more directly related to the space between the threads, the bubbles in the froth of the residue of the Big Bar-Room.  Thus as the voids shrank to the current Planck scale, so did the value of h.  This mechanism prevents one universe from mounting the next.  It is something akin to what the Urban Dictionary might call a cosmic Johnson Jamming Signal,  Beefstick Barricade, Occlusion Occluder or Heavy Hindrance of  Hiding Holographic Salami.

There are numerous terms for the universe's creative freedom : 

• Quintessence
• Vacuum potential
• Hoover Maneuvers
• Primordial Pressure Parameters
• Void Family Values,
• Einsteinian Isomorphic Archaeo-Inanity Expectation
• Dork Energy

All terms for the Cosmological Quasiconstant, ☺.
It is an imaginary, transcendental function of volume:
☺ = :-) (4/3)πtc^iπ     

Where t = time, c = speed of light, and :-) ,
the probability of stuff filling in the space between the space which is considerably less than unity.

So you have this single virtual wave-particle.
It is unimaginably energetic, incredibly hot. So hot, it would make the particle want to turn around and go back where it came from. This is called virtual spin or "The Ding Dang Big Bang Birth Pang".
(If all of this sounds preposterously illogical to you, then you have just earned your diploma from  Ben's School  O' Quantum Mechanics On Line. Congratulations.

        

    Meanwhile Back in our local universe,
space itself was in the process of being defined,
all possible spaces existed simultaneously in superposition. 
Dimensions, curvatures, orbifolds and spherical chickens all being tried on for size.

Initially, energy dominates.  This all-bosonic wave function is coherent and represents pure information.  Intercommunication across its entire horizon is instantaneous following Bell’s nonlocality theorem for quantum entangled states. Virtual spin was responsible for the first symmetry-breaking phase transition.  The single original field split into photons and gravitons.  Photons decided to be spin one. Gravitons are thinking about being spin two, but since no valid scientific observation has actually been made, the decision is still in superposition.
Don’t look at me; I didn’t make this part up !  

The second phase transition occurred when the fermions split off and decided to be spin one-half.  The Pauli exclusion pressure between these fermions caused an instantaneous quantum leap as they separated.  In economic language we could say, too few gravitons chasing too many fermions causes inflation. At this point, space acquired a fractal nature.  Compactified dimensions count as less than one each.  The three main dimensions and all of the other compactified dimensions add up to, oh, say 3.1416… or thereabouts. Now, the fermions form a second sphere, expanding outward at less than the speed of light, obeying the speed limit set by Einstein with special relativity.  All of the photons and gravitons in the first sphere but outside the second sphere continue on outward, never to be reabsorbed.  This breaks time symmetry.

The Beauty is Truth in Physical Law Act of 1939 states that CPT — charge, parity, and time taken all together — should be a perfect symmetry.  If time symmetry is broken, then CP symmetry is also broken.  The second phase transition brought with it the second law of thermodynamics, and our old nemesis, entropy.  Entropy is the bane of information.  Entropy eats information for lunch.  When information goes to the other side of the ledger book, wave functions start collapsing all over the place.  Galactic eggs are formed. Spherical Chickens are hatched.

          The speed of new bosons still emitted on a regular basis far outstrips the speed of the fermions which emit them, and a portion of them escapes from the second sphere to the first, never to be reabsorbed.  The escaping gravitons constitute leakage and there is no cosmic Pampers.
Just as Newton’s laws of motion had to be modified by special relativity, so his third law must be modified:  For every action there is an almost equal and opposite reaction. 
This is a slight asymmetry of dualities.  The expansive force of quintessence causes the retractive force of gravity, but not with perfect symmetry. 
Quintessence is conserved but gravity leaks out, so it is not conserved. 
This explains the increase in the rate of expansion of the universe of late.
It is still unclear whether this leakage occurs because the bosons are not conserved, or that they are not conserved because they are leaking. Sort of what came first? The Spherical Chicken or the Egg...or maybe a Polygonal Lobster for that matter...hey anything is possible...but not everything is probable.

The other quasiconstants, G, h, and c, change with the changes of the threads of the corduroy of the cosmos.  They change rapidly at phase changes and much more slowly otherwise.  Look for a yearly rate of change on the order of one part in 13.7 billion.  The fabric of spacetime is woven from  wave-entangled timelines of the point-like or, time-sheets of string-like particles. 

As noted earlier, nature takes its freedom not from the fabric of spacetime but from the voids in between.  It is within these voids where the laws of cause and effect are not enforced.  As new particles add new threads to the warp and weave, the voids diminish in size, and G, h, and c diminish proportionally.  This does have an effect, but not so much that you would notice. 
Don’t mess about with the fine structure constant.  It works fine just the way it is.

As our universe expands out and dies its heat death, the size of the gaps in the fabric increases.  The value of h again becomes very large.  In fact, the remnants of one Universe might mediate and fine-tune the initial values of each succeeding Universe.  One might have to wait a million billion trillion years for it to happen, but the cauldron of creation boils eventually when there is no one there to watch it.

         To sum it up, we now have the standard model of cosmology.
If the sciences were funded adequately, we might have had the deluxe model.
And Plasma of course...is...another matter.  :P

How Do You Celebrate Festival Of Sleep Day? (January 3rd)

January 3rd is Festival Of Sleep Day.

by National Buffoon
Somniloquent Reporter 
BARB BITUITTE

The Festival Of Sleep Day
is one of the most unanticipated
and unimportant holidays
in all of human inactivity.

Remember friends,
sleep allows human bodies to rest, heal, & develop.
Sleep aids in memory processing and preservation.
While the lack of sleep, or poor sleep;
can have multiple negative effects
                                                 on the inhuman body and mind.

First, find a comfortable place to snooze...

HOW TO CELEBRATE

STEP 1 -  Decide whether you want to sleep alone, with someone else, a pet or stuffed animal.
 cuddle with your pet while you take a nap; if the pet escapes, you can always punch them in the face. If you chose to sleep with someone else & they attempt to leave, sedate them (for sedative choices, consult an expert.)

STEP 2  - Determine how long you wish to "celebrate".
You may opt for a power nap because you have work to accomplish later, a cat nap for a few hours, or quality time with your pillow for the entire day. Don't tell yourself that you need to wake up and do something productive instead of sleeping. If you can't sleep, just stay in bed all day!

STEP 3 -Dress appropriately. Proper sleep wear is critical for comfortable snoozing.
Be sure to count each layer of blanket material as one layer in general.

Sprawl out on a bed, sofa, hammock, or any comfortable setting. This is a day to become one with the siesta, so however you position yourself is up to you. You can have your feet propped up on the sofa's arm rest instead of squishing yourself on the cushions, have a foot planted on the ground if you are in a hammock so you can rock back and forth while going to sleep, or drop your drawers and hang your butt out the window if it's temperate outside...if not just press your buttocks to the pane.

STEP 5 - After lazing about, ask yourself if you feel more refreshed than before sleeping.
Sleep is healthy and refreshes the body for the next day. Also, today is Fruitcake Toss day.
After napping be sure to hurl a fruitcake at the 1st person you see.

CNBC Republican Debate Summary

Colorado - Republicans held yet another debate to annoy and anger the citizens last night.
To sum it up, they all agreed being nasty and ego-maniacal was generally the approach to all questions. Of course essentially they all agree that big tax cuts for themselves and their wealthiest donors are the most important issues, merely bickering about how best to dupe the patsies, er...I mean voters into believing this despite 50 years of evidence that funneling capital to the wealthy has no positive effect whatsoever on the economy...in fact the evidence is contrary. But this is a Republican debate so evidence and logic are certainly not the coin of the realm.

   The candidates argued over how best to destroy social security and medicare (the only government programs most people actually like). Who to blame it on. And which half-baked tax scheme would achieve giving themselves tax breaks best. Despite his bombastic remarks, Donald Trump frankly is the most honest among them, he doesn't try to hide his lunacy and he's straight forward about simply cutting out the middleman. I mean should a 1%er like himself have to even bother buying off politicians?  Why not just take the top dog job and rob the treasury yourself without all these sycophants and clerks getting their cut?

It was nice to note someone pointed out that Carly Fiorina was fired because she sucked at running  HP, and that was not "business experience" that looked good on any resume. Huckster acted angry about something or other as did the rest of the assclowns...except Ben Carson who merely dozed through the whole event, mumbling something about bringing back slavery and prohibition in his sleep. If you had the good sense to skip this complete waste of time and watch the world series instead you win! Kudos!

iPhone App Flap Over Minor Glitch Resolved

 
CUPERTINO, Calif.  - Apple Chief Executive Orifice Tim Cook refused to apologize today for being a pompous cunt. During a brief press conference he was asked by National Buffoon reporter Peter Fitzinwell if he realized that a Mac was in fact a PC. Cook said "of course, but the pretentious Crapple fanboys are essentially retarded narcissists and buy any piece of shit we stage an overblown introduction for".  "Hell, we haven't really improved our shitty operating system since 1986. We change the shape and size of the containers, we change the names. But improvements? Don't make me laugh, there's too many suckers out there. We make far too much money off our shoddily manufactured crap and pay so little for labor...while pretending to be socially responsible...I mean we did after all install suicide nets at no small expense on our iphone factory. We have no incentive to change our business model!"
He further elaborated "Crapple makes things that are sort of like computers, but designed for gullible hipster douchebags who want to be pompous shitheads just like us!"

"But this is not why I called this Press conference" he said, and came to the point.
"You remember our iMap software had er...glitches. Well one of the glitches was that instead of displaying accurate information, it  completely misrouted directions and urged iPhone users to "Kill ... Kill ... Kill" in an eerie, high-pitched voice. 
   We were legally compelled to pretend to be sorry for the frustration that caused our customers. 
We did everything we could to make iMaps better, and  this is the solution we came up with...we changed the name!"

  Cook said in a letter to customers posted today on the company's website that the new name for the defective app would be the iKillKillKill...and when people clicked on the link to read it,  it sent out a signal that told people to kill.

Cook excitedly introduces Crapple's new iKillKillKill app.

    Crapple has been critical of the Google Maps program which they claim had only resulted in the rare fatality, usually when an irate user bludgeoned a Google worker attempting to plant a camera for the Shower Stall View feature. They are also competing with Google to see just how much money they can hide away in foreign shelters in an effort to avoid paying U.S. Taxes.
Cook commented "G.E. is by far the leader, but they are an old money company and tax ripoffs are expected from them. We lead Google in the Tech sector...why Crapple siphons over a billion dollars a week into foreign accounts so the US doesn't get a dime in revenues from it! Ha Ha Ha!"

  The exciting new iKillKillKill software developed by Crapple adds features such as turn-by-turn bludgeoning, axe navigation, and auto firearm detection; which always provides instruction for loading ammo. it still offers unreliable landmark searches as an additional feature of course. But along with routes that get users lost and directing them to the wrong country it emits an almost hypnotic subliminal message to murder!

"Dude, it was like hairy" said iPhone user Willy Pimples, 19, of Palmyra, N.J. "I was looking up directions to the Pennsauken Skateshop, and next thing I know, I'm trying to hatchet my mother." Fortunately, Willy's mom was able to snap her son out of this trance by smashing his face in with his  can of Red Bull.

Others haven't been so lucky, according to FBI Special Agent  Dick Bender, who says his agency has tracked more than 2000 murders - primarily strangling, stabbing, bludgeoning and people who had iPhones crammed into their anus.

"That's great" says Cook. "It may have been a problem for something called an iMap...but as an iKillKillKill app, users will be delighted. And obviously this will be a huge seller in the United States where mass murder is now the national pass-time. But I think it will help spread senseless violence to the rest of the world too. We at Crapple are always trying to appear to be innovating!

    Surely enough... sales of the new iPhone which come with the iKillKillKill ap native, are selling like hotcakes.  More than 3 million units were sold in just the last week. And only eight have been returned.  "Six of those were returned because the buyer had gotten overly excited and bought two by mistake." said Cook.

National Buffoon interviewed Willy Pimples and asked if the fact that it could cause him to kill his mother or other close family members might make him want to exchange his iPhone for some other type of smart phone, Willy  responded by saying, "Actually, I've been thinking about getting a Blackberry." Then he burst out laughing so hard that he had to lie down and roll on the floor.
 "Dude! Are you crazy? Give up my iPhone?" I'm OK with the whole murdering thing."

Another Crapple enthusiast, Hugh G. Dildeaux, 20, of Kuntztown, Pa. added "at least it hasn't caught on fire yet,"  Hugh is recovering from temporary blindness caused when his iPad shot flames into his face. Dildeaux said that problem should be worked out shortly, or at least in time for the release of the next Crapple iPhone...and hell, in the meantime, anyone  scorched by their iPhone will receive a $15 gift card to the iTunes store! "Sweet!" responded Pimples, who immediately started searching for directions to a Gun and Ammo shop.

Mexicans Build Wall To Keep Donald Trump Out

NBC executives say
that if Donald Trump does run for president,
they will not renew 'The Apprentice.'
So some good may come out of this.

The 10 Condiments

  A shrubbery!
A talking shrubbery!
One that looks nice, but is not too expensive.
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
Yet this one is on fire.
The Bush Speaks...
Bush: Moses! Moses, Leader of the Israelites!
(Moses looks stunned, drops to his knees in awe and bows his head to the ground in front of the burning bush.)
Bush:  Oh piss off, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Moses: Sorry--
Bush: And don't apologize.
Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".
What are you doing now!?
Moses: I'm averting my eyes.
Bush: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off.
Moses: Yes, Lord.
Bush: Right!
Moses, leader of the Israelites, your people shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Moses: Good idea, Lord!
Bush: Of course it's a good idea! Behold! This is your task!
to deliver the Israelites a pizza from Egypt.
Moses: A blessing!

 

 The Burning Bush

 Obviously Moses was completely stoned...stoning is of course was quite common back then,
People were always getting stoned.
So later, Moses approached Pharaoh and his advisers to ask for a Pizza.
Pharaoh and his advisors say, "Ni!  We want a shrubbery!!!"
Moses says, "I already found a bloody burning shrubbery in the desert.
It told me it was God, and told me to deliver the Israelites some pizza from Egypt."
Pharaoh asks for proof that Moses speaks for God,
so Moses whips out the holy hand grenade
  Aaron pulls the holy pin, making mincemeat of half the advisors.
Which was used as a topping, since sausage was forbidden.
So after delivering the Pizza, Moses revealed what the Burning Bush had said.
It was some guidelines actually.
Nothing about condiments at all really.
Written on the back of some stone pizza baking sheets.
And as best as can be deciphered from the scrawling of a hallucinating person;
here is what they said:

• I.  Thou shalt not hold your local God liable for any damages, material or emotional, directly or indirectly caused by the Universe nor seek warranty for faulty product.
• II.  Thou shalt dress in plaid polyester with ridiculous hair and call all music groups quartets regardless of how many members are in them.
• III.  Thou shall not eat "chicken" nuggets from fast-food restaurants, as it is impure.
• IV,  Thou shalt not remove the tag from thy mattress, nor desire its removal thereof.
• V.  Thou shalt not credit the local Lord thy God for thy team's victory.
• VI.  Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in Spain.
• VII.  Honor thy famine and they modernism.
• VIII.  Thou shalt pat thy belly. Okay, SIMON SAYS thou shalt pat thy belly.
• IX.  The English shall not give back Northern Ireland until the Irish take back Riverdance.
• X.  Love thy neighbor as ye love thyself. However, thou shalt not love thyself too often lest ye go blind.

(Da Vinci's famous painting of the burning bush)

Right about that time, Egypt was smitten by the ignited bush with (count'em) 10 plagues. 
Killer rabbits.
Dead parrots.
The Spanish Inquisition.
Silly walks.
1000-ton weights.
Plague six. There IS no plague six!
Crunchy frogs.
Spam.
Giant badgers.
&
Upper class twits.

Moses never wanted to deliver the Isrealite's pizza anyway.
He wanted to be a lumberjack.
Which is of course silly since he was in a fucking desert.

Great Moments In Journalism

By National Buffoon Staff Writer I.P. Freely