Everything Is Hazardous To Your Health

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It's a dangerous world we live in.
Every day top doctors release startling new reports about stuff that can kill us.

Breathing causes heart murmurs, respiratory failure, & jock itch. Milk will give you gallstones, cerebral hemorrhages and frostbite.
The threat of bird flu is omnipresent. Walking a mile a day causes Mumps & Cancer. Breakfast gives you lupus. Sleeping causes vertigo.
listening to all this crap causes the painful itch and swelling of bipolar encephalitis.
Why, the poor Surgeon General is working overtime to warn us about the astonishing array of substances that may be "hazardous to your health."
Just today, he issued a report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine expanding the list of things that may cause cancer to include:


-- Asbestos Waffles
-- raw chinchilla meat balls
-- Bubonic Margarine
-- malignant cancer cell jelly
-- genetically engineered sushi
-- Marlboro brand cancer bread sticks
-- white chocolate Eminems
-- 3 mile island dressing
-- Haliburton brand "yellow cake" mix
-- Lawyers on T.V.
-- Soylent green chile
-- Wart off salad
-- water

Fortunately, we are also bombarded with news about medical breakthroughs guaranteed to help us
avoid the discomfort and inconvenience of premature death.
For example, National Buffoon's team of medical specialists has just learned that
people who consume 5,000 milligrams of crack each day are 32 percent less likely to suffer from rickets,
gangrene, or curvature of the liver. Possible side effects are death .
But if Pfizer or Squibb are on board you know FDA approval is just around the corner.

A Top Doctor