Cheney Declares Himself To Be A New Species

In his continuing efforts to avoid legislative branch oversight, Dick Cheney announced today that he is not a member of the human race and therefore not subject to laws that might apply to humans. Cheney’s Chief of Staff, Lumpy Fartsworth, asserted yesterday that the Vice President will not release any classified documents because he is, in fact, a new species unrelated to to Homo sapiens. "Mr. Cheney has made it quite clear he is not a member of any noun that begins with the prefix homo!" declared Fartsworth from the behind a stall in the Senate Men's Room while tapping his feet vigorously.

One year ago Mr. Cheney had his own private stall built in the Senate by KBR under a no bid contract. It is called the Stall of Justice and has a defribulator and personal waterboarding device built right in to the toilet itself. This ‘Stall of Justice’ or SOJ will act as America’s K-Y Jelly, keeping the republican thrust of freedom from tearing and bleeding. Just like Guantanamo, the SOJ operates well outside of both US and Jedi jurisdiction. Cheney's Stall also features amenities like encrypted e-mail, a cloned private army, a Viagra dispenser, mulitple big screen TVs tied in to surveillance cameras hidden in all citizens homes under arcane provisions of the patriot ax, a podium, as well as a modest Lipitor factory.

In this strange press conference, Mr. Cheney waddled into the stall and hopped onto the commode which was located behind a podium. He introduced himself as “Imperial Commander of the Death Star, er, I mean Stall of Justice, and still the Shah of Iraq , the most magical place in the whole, wide world.” Mr. Cheney then held up one of his own feces and drew a picture of George Will with it on the wall.


“From this day forward, you may call me Master." He stopped abruptly and tapped his feet under an adjacent stall. "I have dismembered the terrorist Democrats and hid their various body parts and organs in barrels of oil, the lucky citizen who finds Nancy Pelosi's head will win an all expense paid trip to Iraq with per diem and meals provided by MacHalliburton and an autographed copy of Mein Kampf!" Cheney then left the building and disappeared into the Vice Presidential limo, "Ambulance Two" with Batman in hot pursuit.

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