The bible explains that baseball is underlying purpose of the universe, as it says in Genesis 1:1 - "In the big inning"... Genesis 3:6- 'Eve stole first and Adam stole second.' Rebekah went to the well with a "pitcher" Exodus 4:4 "And he put out his hand, and caught it" Numbers 11:32 "Ten homers" Proverbs 18:10 "The righteous run into it, and is safe. Ezekiel 36:12 "Yea, I will cause men to walk"
Noah was an investment guru, he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Cars, like dinosaurs and giants existed back in biblical times ... yes, the disciples were all in one accord.
and God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Plymouth Fury. Pharaoh's daughter was the best financier in the Bible, she went down to the bank of the Nile and picked up a little prophet. The first tennis match mentioned in the Bible is when Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert after people walked like them. Afterwards, Moses, Larry & Curly
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Condiments. The first condiment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth
Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. Boaz was a Ruth-less man before he got married. The Phoenicians invented blinds.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door
frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write
that down -- that's better than Clyde!'' St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth
not live by breasts alone." Jesus called his disciples together and said unto them: "What about you? Whom do you say that I am?"
They answered him, saying, "You are the Christ, the eschatological
manifestation of the kerygma that is the ground of our being, whose
meaning we discover in our interpersonal relationships."
And Jesus said unto them, " Huh? ...WTF?"
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from
the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off his face. The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums
was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taxi driver. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony...the idea that a Christian should have only
one wife. This is also called monotony.
It is a sin for a woman to make coffee, in the Bible, it says . . . ‘He-brews’. Ancient manuscripts confirm a disturbing conclusion: that ghosts will one day haunt your underpants. It was written about in The Dead See Scrotals.
Traditional Thanksgiving Is Under Attack From the Liberal Straw Man (on far left).
By National Buffoon Holiday Correspondent Helen A. Handbasket
No one suspected it, only a few have had the fortitude to report it, but there is a war on Thanksgiving and if you have not chosen a side, you hate America. That's right. Every week your friends at Fairly Unbalanced Noose discover some plot by some evil doing straw men to destroy everything decent in the universe which of course is finite and extends only as far north as Kentucky. Moon bat Boogieman are poised to urinate in your mom's apple pie and force themselves anally on the Virgin Mary. Yep. Of course they alerted us in the past (and will again, before the sacred black Friday dance of conspicuous consumption begins) to the dastardly Straw man plot to destroy Christmas, but little did I or anyone else with an intact cerebellum suspect these liberal straw men were also plotting to destroy the most American of American holidays...Black Friday, the annual Mal*Wart stampede itself, and it's lesser prequel...Thanksgiving.
They are attacking the very nature of the holiday - the promotion of gluttony! Inexplicably the straw men are trying to force the socialist pinko commie notion that instead of gorging oneself into a coma that one should give the needy a little more and the broad-beamed a little less. They argue everybody is happier and healthier at the end of the day. This is blasphemy! We true traditionalists say the morbidly obese should always have more and the hungry less because that's the way God and the free enterprise system work! That's why Jesus, who of course was American and taught that greed is good while charity and decency was the devil; beat the crap out of the poor (The poor and their ilk annoyed the money changers in the temple simply by existing. The money changers had no interaction with them of course, but were annoyed anyway through osmosis.)
Liberal Straw Man Behind The Attack!
The Liberal Straw Man is thinking up new holidays to ruin for you.
Get real all you liberal Sin Fein loving hippies! A pig pigs! It's just natural. Giving them smaller portions and denying them seconds, thirds, fourths, fiths, sixths, sevenths, 189ths, etc. would only possibly discourage them as job creators. Of course everyone knows only corpulent porcine gluttons can create jobs. That family owned business down the street? Commies! Godless liberal feminist dope crazed deviates who operate lesbian abortion farms. Crazed Qaddafi loving Statists and enviro-terrorists who adore Mad Bob Mugabe because they are liberty squashing fruitcakes who hate America, Lassie, Mal*Wart, and your mother.
Today they destroy Thanksgiving,
Next it will be my Lawn Ornament!
We must draw a line in the cranberry sauce.
Yes that's right, you heard right...informed secret sources somewhere in an Orange County strip mall ministry have reported to some drooling nitwit masquerading as journalist on the Fairly Unbalanced Noose network that the Straw men want to dye your cranberry sauce yellow – which just happens to have been Benedict Arnold's and Adolf Hitler's favorite color! Not only that, but the society of pedophile football coaches is reporting that the Straw men practice witchcraft.
The National Buffoon Is Sponsored By Mal*Wart
Your source for inferior goods at cheapass prices,
slave labor, and prosperity depletion!
These devious super communist Straw men don't oppose giving thanks per se; they just don't want the thanks going to a specific local deity. You can give thanks to a generic deity, as long as your grace doesn't leave out any of the known gods. Always include Jehovah, Allah, Lao-tzu, Baal, Gog and Magog, Ra, Zeus, Jupiter, Odin, Buddha, Harry Krishna, Confucius, the Great Spirit, Quetzalcoatl, Mammon and of course all the inbred Caesars who achieved godhood by simple proclamation (to name but a few).
Try Yahweh's Fire & Brimstone Barbecue...or else!
By the time you get them all properly acknowledged and lauded, of course, the mashed potatoes will be cold and the rolls will be mouldy. That's how they destroy Thanksgiving.
We self righteous science denying Ignominious Ignorant gasbags, er I mean true traditionalists say "no"! (of course we say no to everything). The real god ,Jehovah, aka Yahweh, aka Elohim, aka etc., deserves the lion's share of Thanksgiving thanks. If you can't give him credit for the whole meal then he should at least get the props for the turkey and dressing...the ham, too, if you're one of those willing to pretend that Leviticus 11:7-8 doesn't exist. We simply can not allow the indignity that would result from the Lard of Lards being lumped in with the lowly demigods, nymphs, and satyrs who receive thanks for the various garnishes, gravies, and seasonings. He alone needs to be exalted for candied yams, the green-bean casserole, and the pie. It's in the Bible! (or maybe the constitution...one of dem things we never read, yup!)
Unfortunately at this point, the Straw men point out that being the supreme of supremes, he can re script at any time and exalt himself if he takes the notion. This makes all the true traditionalists heads explode and steam shoot out of the top of their noggins. The Battle of Thanksgiving is lost.
By National Buffoon Religion Editor Father Elijah Fields
Two of the big three religions from the 'ol futile crescent vicinity have decided to merge holidays. Yes that's right, taking a cue from the world of finance with all it's mergers and aquisitions, a religion industry insider source has revealed there is proposal that is very likely to be announced shortly through official channels that Chanukah & Christmas will be merged into a single holiday. An unidentified source announced at a press conference moments ago that this deal has been in the works for about 1300 years.
"Oy To The World"
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of "HOLIDAY", as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being amongst the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will now be the more generic "Miraculous shit happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Muslims who feel the merger leaves Ramadan vulnerable to a hostile takeover.
The press conference ended with a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.
Lincoln had Marfan's and Santa Claus has Marzipan.
Lincoln and Santa both have towns named for them. (Lincoln Nebraska, and Santa Fe N.M.)
Neither man has 8 letters in his name.
Lincoln Freed Slaves, Santa has Slaves. (Elves)
They both have beards!
They both suffered from eating disorders.
Lincoln sent Sherman to Georgia, Santa sent George a shirt.
Lincoln was shot in the head, Santa Claus drinks shots and uses the head.
As a Lawyer, Lincoln was familiar with legal clauses, and as a lecher, Santa wants to show you his Lincoln log.
Lincoln split rails. Santa splits his pants.
Lincoln had a stovepipe hat. Santa comes down stovepipes.
Lincoln was known for his Gettysburg Address. Santa was known for his North Pole address.
Lincoln was slain, Santa was sleighin'.
Lincoln's wife was named "Mary", Santa often says "Mary Xmas"
Both men have been spotted on the moon with Elvis by the National Enquirer
Santa‘s loyal helper is Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer. Lincoln‘s loyal helper was Ulysses S. Grant, a red-nosed alcoholic.
Santa’s wife bakes cookies. Lincoln‘s wife was baked most of the time.
Lincoln lived in the White House. Santa‘s house is also white, because it’s covered in snow.
Lincoln suspended habeas corpus. Santa often wears suspenders.
Lincoln said "four score and seven years", while Santa "scores" with seven year olds.
Lincoln thought Washington was the seat of power, Santa wants you to sit on his lap.
Lincoln read Plato's Dialogues, Santa wears red.
As a young storekeeper in New Salem, Illinois, Lincoln walked a mile on foot to return a customer's change. Santa leaves presents that you have to drive to the mall to exchange.
Santa brings toys to children, Lincoln lost two children.
Lincoln debated Steven Douglas, Santa masturbates in Payless shoe stores.
Lincoln saved the Union, Santa shaved his bunion.
Lincoln lived in a log cabin, Santa leaves a yule log on your floor.
Neither of them have middle names, drove Buicks, or wear sandals.
Lincoln ran for president, Santa Claus has runners on his sleigh.
Welcome To Halloween, the time when ghouls and monsters roam the White House. (Like the rest of the year basically).
Yet it is the time of year when we become particularly aware of creeps, boogiemen, ogres, mutants, bloodsucking vampires, and other wings of the republican party.
ZOMBIE NIXON'S SOUTHERN RECIPE But how did this Horror start? When did the shills and operatives of the right wing become cannibalistic? It seems to have begun with Zombie Nixon. Zombie Nixon began eating brains in California, including his dog "checkers" brain. Then he turned on the voters. He created a race of undead brain eating zombies and called it his Southern Strategy. (Or Southern Recipe, if y'all is the eater, not the eatee.)
"I am not a Zombie."
Zombie Nixon's victims became brain eating zombies themselves, creating a growing base of mindless ghouls attacking the living citizens. Zombie strategists began spinning the brain eating activity as a "culture war". (It was nothing more than brain eating- pure and simple.)
ZOMBIE REAGAN'S MISSING PARTS CLUB BAND The horror escalated when Zombie Reagan infected even more citizens, creating both monumental fiscal and IQ deficits in the nation. Osama Bin Laden and the Taliban were the Frankenstein creation of Zombie Reagan. Zombie Reagan used taxpayer dollars and profits from CIA drug deals to fund death squads in Nicaragua murdering over 50,000 human beings including nuns and priests working with the poor. Many of Zombie Bush's bloodthirstiest cabal got their brain eating start in either the Reagan or Nixon administration of horrors.
"Well, heh heh, Alzheimer's had removed any thought I might have had anyway,so no one noticed I was a Zombie as well, heh heh."
H.W.BUSH'S (WHITE) HOUSE OF HORRORS Then came the spooky Bushenstein years. "Sure, I knew they were zombies, why do you think I called their brain eating economic policies Voodoo Economics?"
The major brain eater of the Bushenstein administration was Mr.Potatohead, the VP that brought brainlessness to the forefront of American Politics. Dan Quayle, brain eating zombie brought idiocy respectability in conservative politics during his stupor in the White House. Quayle began the tradition of attacking fictional characters like "Murphy Brown" and "liberal media". His ignorant stupidity was believed to be the "low water" mark that would stand for all eternity in terms of vice presidential intellectual subnormality.
SON OF BUSHENSTIEN By the year 2000, it appeared half the U.S. had become brain eating zombies themselves electing the "Son Of Bushenstein" to the office of President. These were the bleakest days since the black plague for mankind as the brainless undead feasted mercilessly on their human victims.
"Heh, Mah furst axe az duh Presidents iz tuhtake a 2 month vacation after eating yer brains uh course."
The Bushenstein monster terrorized the living throughout it's reign of evil declaring war on the economy, war on education war on the english language, war on breathing, war on water, war on the constitution, war, war, war....
Wicked witch Condi Rice's psychotic sexual ideas about torturing political prisoners (And of course lies about her involvement) make her a particularly macabre Halloween character.
The Cheney Beast is the evil undead leader of the brain eating administration- declaring himself a new separate branch of government; all-powerful and free of human intervention or oversight.
" Brains are best raw, in a marinade of Iraqi crude." "C'mon, the rest of you who haven't joined our "party"... you don't need your brain, we'll do yer thinkin' for ya!" "Nya ah ah mmm, good tasty cortex, a bit piquant with just a hint of tobbacco and some fruity notes... mmmm."
The Bushenstein monster terrorizes the entire world. Shown here looking for victims in Africa.
Iraq was a particularly tasty treat for the ghoulish neocon zombies.
MCCAIN/PALIN EAT BRAINS RAW It's 3:00 a.m.- Putin is drunk and makes a prank call to the white house, who do you want to answer that call?
Remarkably in 2008, as most people have become sick of politicians nibbling away on their brains, the McCain campaign champions the continuation of zombie rule. One wonders how anyone can be undecided. Your either with the brain eaters or against them folks.
The zombie strategy is to make the political process so mind numbing that people will not notice their brains are being eaten.
In fact, Zombie McCain's choice of VP is so mind numbing that most humans would actually prefer being digested by the undead than to contemplate the stark possibility of Palin in any position (other than porn) of importance.
Don't forget folks, RFE and Tehranchik are always fighting the forces of corporatism, oligarchy, and mutated moose molesters. Their plan for freeing the world of these scary monsters and super-creeps is your best bet to thwart their carnage. So vote for RFE-Tehranchik!
ENTERTAINMENT This Weeks Movies
NATIONAL BUFFOON MOVIE REVIEWS These movies suck. There is better film on Cheney's teeth. Don't bother, they don't even have popcorn. Instead they serve this nasty snack-
WTF?SECTION This is an actual photo from the presidential debate. No need for photoshop here. Come up with your own caption.
Perhaps brain eater McCain needs a lesson in anatomy. (Barack's brain is not located where republican politicians brains are.) Is he doing "the Monster Mash"? Or maybe he wants to give Obama a rimming. Maybe he's just a creepy old zombie... One thing is for certain. Only a moron could believe McCain appears presidential.
OCTOBER SURPRISES
Tricks, not treats. The Zombie McCain Campaign, faced with defeat on election day have a backup plan for continuing the Neocon Undead Coup. Somewhere in a secret White House basement bunker...
On behalf of the Zombie Party, the Homeland Insecurity Dept. today said it will begin issuing regular, five-day terror forecasts. Today's outlook: light, scattered terrorism early, tapering off by noon. Tomorrow: Clear, and seasonably dangerous with a chance of shoe bombs.
GOP pundits and hacks are not concerned about the record number of voters expected to show up at the polls this year to support Obama/Biden and RFE/Tehranchik. They have a plan called the "Take Out The Vote" campaign. They will use the military to eliminate any threat to GOP absolute plutocracy.
Anyone attempting to vote who doesn't fit the typical GOP appearance will be removed with extreme prejudice by the military. (Or Blackwater-Haliburton thugs).
"I was John McCain and I approve this meal...yum."
McCain displays his international relations prowess. Unveiling his new plan on diplomatic idiocy in a press conference earlier today.
Um, right.
Maybe if you had one, you wouldn't need to eat other peoples...maybe.
McCain Announces New Energy Plan
"I got me a new plan, & I'm putting myself in suspended animation until those communists in preschool stop sharing their lunch!" McCain plans to tap Uncle Fester and put him on the electrical grid.
The new Festering McCain energy plan calls for huge oil company giveaways and tax breaks for those who fire American workers & enslave downtrodden 3rd worlders instead. The now frozen candidate also exalted the trickle down theory... oil trickling down on you, toxic waste trickling down on you, and gluttonous plutocrats trickling on your leg.
ENVIRONMENT
McCain plans to set all forests and national lands on fire. "This is simply applying the GOP foreign policy to domestic issues" said a Zombie spokesman. "We are hoping all non republicans, who aren't "real" Americans anyway will die trying to put the fires out". "Then we'll eat their brains."
Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales.
MUSIC NEW RELEASES
Remarkably bad. Sounds like it was recorded in a public restroom. Craig's singing is unintelligible - as if there was something in his mouth during the recording. Though all the songs stink, the producers are glad this one is finally in the can (frankly, where it belongs). Craig warbles feebly through his songs such as Yummy Yummy Yummy I Got Love In My Dunny, It's My Potty And I'll Cry If I Want To, Born to be Vile, and The Loo of Love.
The Bushies pollute the airwaves with their pitiful contrivance. Songs include Cheney in the Bunker with Wolfowitz, Being For The Benefit Of Ms. Rice, Getting Wetter (ode to Katrina), With a Little Help From My Daddy's Friends, and A Day In The PNAC.
Um, ...I don't think so!
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN PLUMBER?DIDN'T NIXON HAVE ENOUGH OF THEM?
RFE prepares to put out McCain's eye. Nixon's "plumbers" broke into the Watergate Hotel. McCain's plumber wants to break into the publishing business.
RELIGION
Heaven- Republican Free Since '93
The RFE Tehranchik team is righteous!
THIS JUST IN
The McCain campaign admitted the whole thing was an elaborate joke. A giant bag of dog poop ignited on America's front porch.
McCain never wanted the presidency at all. He just wanted to punk the country for laughs. "I can't believe all these suckers fell for it" said McCain. "I got the idea for it when I saw that movie Borat, yup, stole the whole idea from Sasha Cohen." "I mean really, who would stick a moron like Tucker Bounds in a spokesman's position? Have you heard the hilarious BS that guy has been spouting? Ha ha, he keeps me in stitches! Or how about that crapmiester Nancy Pfotenhauer? Ho Ho Ho, That line about the "real Virginia"...especially funny because she doesn't have a real vagina! Ha ha ha, and of course the big punch line was choosing that nincompoop nutjob as my running mate. HA HA HA oops, laughed so hard I peed myself... Palin was shocked By McCain's admission that their candidacy was a joke. "I'm no joke, McCain, I will be the new mavericky leader of witless dolts who believe they are real and everyone else is fake Americans! Enough brains have been eaten to insure I will rule this joint in 2012." tomorrow belongs to ME!
Tehranchik has had enough! The removal of the Zombie Nazi from the human gene pool made everyone's IQ improve 28 points. And improved air quality.
IN OTHER NEWS
"Mwah mwah mwah...."
Cheney's WMD
Cheney's umbrella was the last straw for Canada.
"koo-roo-koo-koo-koo-koo-koo-koo" "Do we have a topic today Doug?" "We sure do Bob, villains have stolen RFE-Tehranchik's time machine!"
"Nya ah ah, now that we have the time machine we can send the Joker here back in time so that he never has to relinquish his supreme deciderism!Wah wah wah!"
"This can't be good, it's like that time Max Von Sydow got all "Cheney"on us at the Elsinore Brewery eh?"
Meanwhile Bush wreaks havoc on history- annoying everyone from Plato to Eisenhower.
"That Bush guy is a hoser! Take off Bush, you suck!"
Are you filming this Bob? We can sell this to Olbermann for beer money.
That guy was stinkin' up the past so we took the time machine away from him and gave it back to RadioFreeEuropa and Tehranchik. By accident my hoser brother spilled beer on one of the controls. This set it for the future... Lets peek at the near future, shall we?
THE FUTURE
We Win!!!!
Heh, I do deciderisms better with a good buzz on, heh, heh.
GO!
Under the supervision of Mntnman, the new drug czar, police assist in hemp distribution.
Greetings from the White House
Tehranchik and RFE thank you for your support!
But what happened to Spongebob's campaign? Inquiring minds want to know!
What Happened To The Spongebob Campaign? Video Report:
