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| Apathetic Man, The contemporary Super Hero |
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| By National Buffoon Editor Ben New |
No time for Superman, not in the super -market. No, not today; Superman belongs to an age when people believed in a future that would be brighter than today, a time when humans dreamed of putting a man on the moon and did so. An age where the tomorrow was a shining light illuminating the ignorance, abuse, & darkness of the shadowy past. A vast array of possibilities and unlimited progress waited on the horizon for humanity. While Superman was seen as an iconic representation of" truth, justice and the American way", these concepts are alien to the real way of life as 99% of humanity experiences it today. The near-perfect Kryptonian orphan wrapped in a swaddling big red S-cape is simply the madness of a dreamer. The undisciplined romantic ramblings of some contemporary Don Quixote chasing economic windmills of non-existent equity. It is the lunacy of an unhinged escapist incapable of understanding the need for aristocracy, austerity in public affairs, and the need for society be dominated by a few bastards who claim intrinsic superiority over the rest. Hence, the rise of our new contemporary super hero who has supplanted Super Man in the collective mythology of man...Apathetic Man.
The Rise Of Apathetic Man
Apathetic Man is a symbol of the modern middle-class condition in developed nations - having long been beaned on the head by bricks falling from a crumbling facade of the so called "American dream", he has been counting his lumps more so than his blessings, he is left with nothing but the vacuum of a meaningless existence, laboring at tasks for less and less compensation, and the welcome numbing of lukewarm indifference. It has been said, that behind every cynic, is a disillusioned idealist. And Apathy Man is behind both those guys... snoozing in the corner.
The Super Powers of Apathetic Man include but are not limited to:
- Amazing unparalleled indifference;
- The ability to enter a state of suspended animation, (making him impervious to emotional attacks).
- A super apathy field, affecting those around him;
- Travels on a floating couch.
The Origins Of Apathetic Man
With great apathy of course, comes absolutely no responsibility whatsoever.
One day mild mannered Hal Atosis who by day had been an air traffic controller found himself unemployable because some political prisoner in Bhig Wang, China could be forced into doing his job merely by bribing his jailers with some plastic beads & cheap rotgut whisky. Hal had not been wealthy, yet he was not poor and managed to prosper a bit, he was able to keep food on his family table, educate and provide for his children, and keep a decent roof over their heads. He bought all kinds of goods that kept the economy moving along. But now the only employment he could find was being a men's room attendant in a topless Fois Gras joint frequented by wealthy mephistophelian twits who had posed as Nigerian royalty in unsolicited emails; cornering the market on emptying the bank accounts of the Gullibles whose extensive family can be found world wide - hence the term "globalism" (and run on sentence!) Anyway these twits figured it was the duty of peons like Hal to clean up their feces which they disbursed in copious piles on the floor.
Hal, demoralized and beaten down, returned to his house only to find it had been repossessed by Megabank (a subsidiary of Exxonglobal Inc.). His wife sold their kids to a traveling satanic circus and took off with a door to door bible salesman who had some hijacked vodka and a car that hadn't been repossessed yet. Hal found an abandoned apartment building which was being auctioned off for twits to purchase at fire sale prices, he figured until then, he could at least squat there until he got back on his feet...of course that day has not come. Hal then discovered, after weeks of napping on the abandoned couch, that he'd been bitten by a rat that had fed on some experimental Monsanto genetically engineered seeds which crossed flounder urine with jackal, sloth, and Brussels sprout DNA. Apparently this had been carelessly disposed of in the insulation material of emergency FEMA trailers in New Orleans. Slowly, with the grace of a sloth, he realized this had given him extraordinary powers. He figured he might as well put together some sort of costume symbolizing his new found power yet because of the powers themselves, he didn't necessarily care. So, he merely added a crappy domino mask he'd found on the floor to his old business suit before curling up on the couch again. Weeks passed. The stale rankness of his socks drove him to realize that nothing could be done equally well outside, so he grabbed his hat and stepped out into the hallway. To his mild surprise, crowds of people blocked his path. Many of them were sleeping while others leaned on the wall. These crowds had come to see why their friends, family, coworkers and associates hadn't left their squatter apartments that week. They knocked on the doors, but the inhabitants couldn't be bothered answering them. The visitors were suddenly struck with the same apathy affecting the residents and no longer cared why these people wouldn't leave, nor did they themselves, care to leave. Hal now realized he was now projecting a super apathy field! He was capable of disabling the empathic systems of all those around him! This made him dangerous.
This also made him highly sought by the corporate governments of the world, who longed to harness the power of not caring for their own diabolical purposes.
The Clot Thickens
Despite being taunted by the field agents, Apathetic Man refused to get up from the couch. So the agents simply commandeered six undocumented immigrants slumped on a bench in the hall to move it to their black helicopter which had been previously used to mutilate cows. Yes, the governments of the world had determined (again through the wonder of warrant less surveillance) that cows were actually Cheddarists, secretly plotting to replace the carefully crafted superficial incoherent illusion of democracy with their own udder anarchy! Later at a top-secret government facility, Apathetic Man agreed, or at least shrugged to an agreement, where he would be compensated for his lounging in return for allowing the Dept. Of Homeland Obscurity to determine the location where he would nap. Apathetic Man was used to quiet any signs of civil disobedience and social unrest. The agency would scour news reports and, at the first sign of a freethinking outbreak, send Apathy Man into inaction! After a collection of simple assignments, from dawdling away the enthusiasm on picket lines to sleeping off the message behind various league of women voter brunches; Apathetic Man's powers began to increase. At the height of his prowess, he was capable of holding back equal rights for women and African-Americans, increase the monetary gap between the working and ruling twit classes and even keep gays from throwing parades! Thanks to Apathetic Man's super powers, there was little public concern for important issues, with everyone busy giving free piggyback rides to the wealthiest of twits, no one had time to think for themselves or do much of anything but sleep...those twits are pretty heavy you know!
Vanilla Ice is sure to scare people...but really? Geesh. Not a big seller I bet.
