National Buffoon Acquires Letter Home From The Front Of The War On Christmas

These are the letters home from Billy Bob Lillywhite to his wife
Martha Lillywhite. It was kind of her to share them with us.
What might it be like to be the wife of one of the brave Christian soldiers
who is putting his life on the line
protecting your right to insist non Christian store clerks say "Merry Christmas"
not just to yourself, but to all Americans.
Especially those who are Jewish, Muslim, Native American,
or especially those atheists.

Without further ado, here are the letters:

My dearest Martha,


I'm writing to you from the front lines of the War on Christmas.


I know you didn't want me to enlist, Martha, but I felt I had a civic duty to my country.
I am but a humble, red-blooded, white, Christian, American male.
I'd rather die than look someone in the eyes and say "happy holidays."



This is a mighty war, Martha.
We march on boldly to the beat of beloved Christmas carols.
Carols like "The Little Drummer Boy, ""Good King Wenceslas," and "Here Comes Santa Claus."
But rest assured, there are no silent nights in war!
Soon we will deck the halls with the blood and entrails of our enemies
 to honor the Prince Of Peace..


We also march along to "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
because it's my favorite song.
That's why I insisted we play it at our wedding
even though we were married in June.
Our greatest opponents, The Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion, also have music.
Mostly that one Adam Sandler song,
 And they play it despite knowing full well
that the UN considers this a war crime.

Now, as you know, Martha, I’m no anti-Semite.
No no. Far from it!
It’s just that anything other than Christianity is wrong.




I was hopeful that our path to victory would be swift.
After all, Jesus and Santa are more marketable than dreidels and gelt.
But it's the damnedest thing..
For when the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion first arrived on the battlefield,
we were certain they only had enough ammunition to last them one night.
And yet somehow, despite all odds,
their ammunition has lasted for eight days. It's crazy!


Also, the other day some old guy with a stick shouted something and it started raining frogs, which makes even less sense. and is quite annoying.
 I haven't seen raining frogs since 1999.

Our enemies have us outwitted and outmanned.
At this point, our only strategy is that when the great battle  arrives,
the remaining members of the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion
forgo the war and instead
return home to take their families out for Chinese Food and a movie.

 Of course, it would be one thing if my infantry
was only going up against the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion.
Alas, we must also prepare to wage war against the dreaded Kwanzaa Brigade.
I feared the Kwanzaa Brigade  It's one of the things I have in common with Mike Pence,
John Mayer's dick, and a surprising number of American police officers.

But as luck would have it,  not many people celebrate Kwanzaa.
In fact, the Kwanzaa Brigade is almost entirely comprised of white liberals
arguing with other white liberals about the importance of Kwanzaa.
They actually spend so much time arguing amongst themselves
that they rarely pose any real threat to my infantry.
Nonetheless, I remain hesitant of their Kwanzaa antics,
 We still have no idea what Kwanzaa is about.
From what I've observed,
 Kwanzaa is the same as Hanukkah/Chanukah,
but with one less day
and  dashikis.


I'm sure there are other holidays out there that pose a threat to Christmas.
It can't just be Kwanzaa and Hanukkah/Chanukah.
Surely those Buddhists must be up to something,
but the only Buddhist I know is that white guy with dreads
who gives out free kombucha samples at Whole Foods.
And when I asked him what he was doing this December,
he said he planned on "Tokin' and pokin.'"
And though I'm not entirely sure what that means, the hand gesture he used
to accompany the expression certainly seemed unwholesome.
So now I hate Buddhists. After all, I am but a humble, red-blooded,
white, Christian, American male, and I can only assume
that all Buddhists are exactly the same as the one Buddhist I know.

There was a Christmas Miracle on the 25th though.
Praise the lord.
A truce was called,
and we all shared our rations of fruitcake with the enemies...
who shared matzah balls & collard greens with us.
We all sat down together and agreed that we all
really hate the atheists and secular humanism even more than the Satanists.
I mean at least Satanists believe in magical nonsense like we do.
But those secular humanists?
They don't have any faith at all.
They don't believe in shit!

Despite the temporary respite, rest assured, Martha,
the War on Christmas is far from over.
But just as I'm sure that Jesus was a white, blue-eyed baby
born on  December 25th...  I'm sure that my infantry will keep on fighting.
I refuse to let America's youth grow up in a country that says "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas."

So kiss the children for me, Martha.
And when you take the girls to go see Santa, please take them to the mall across town.
I hear the Santa at the mall in our neighborhood is an atheist!

Quasi-Epistemology Of Spherical Chickens In The Standard Model Semi-Constant ...or Entropy: It Ain't What It Used To Be

Psychologists tell us the logical mind has a strong bias towards thinking in terms of cause and effect.  Neuroscientists suggest reality itself is merely a construct of one's own brain. Physicists can't seem to focus on a solution because they have too many ions in the fire. So where do we turn for a definitive semi-constant?
The National Buffoon of course.
Humans seem to have a need to search for a cause for the first effect, the formation of the Universe.
We tend to frame this in terms of a spherical chicken-or-egg conundrum, a flawed a priori hypothesis.  Since no success has been achieved using reason, the time has come for illogical acausal explanations.

    Logical thinkers have a bias to associate “logical” with “true”, and “illogical” with “false”.
Yet clearly Gödel’s incompleteness theorem tells us that there are true propositions which can not be proven within any given logically consistent system.  These propositions are logically discontinuous, or not to put too fine a point on it, illogical but true.

Consider the universe forming into a flat, featureless, dimensionless, and timeless void.  This is the so-called Big Bang which pops Mass, Energy, Space and Time (MEST) into existence.  In the absence of MEST there is a corresponding absence of physical law.   In the absence of physical law there is nothing to preclude something from happening for no reason. Once a MEST is made, it's difficult to clean up...and it imposes the physical laws which govern what can happen next.

          According to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, the product of the conjugate attributes of a particle’s momentum and position, and, more interestingly, a virtual particle’s energy and the time duration of its existence, can be no greater than Planck’s constant, h bar (the bar is short for the big bang..BARROOM! or Bar Room as we will refer to it in this article).  The accountancy of energy conservation allows for inaccurate balances.  Nature (as well as Wall Street Banking concerns) take these liberties right up to the theoretical limit.

  So it seems that if a particle with the mass-energy content of the Universe pops into being and hangs around for as long as it has suggests that the value of h would have to be many, many, many times larger than its current value to be proportional to the initial void it had to expand into.  This particle with infinite energy popping into existence and expanding at an infinite rate for an infinitesimal amount of time yields a value of h which is in sore need of renormalization. 
Infinities are pesky. These particular annoying infinities need to be managed mathematically.

 

          As the threads of space spread out into the void of nothingness, nature’s freedom to create was confined to the interstices.  Creative freedom is only indirectly a function of the fabric of space.  It is more directly related to the space between the threads, the bubbles in the froth of the residue of the Big Bar-Room.  Thus as the voids shrank to the current Planck scale, so did the value of h.  This mechanism prevents one universe from mounting the next.  It is something akin to what the Urban Dictionary might call a cosmic Johnson Jamming Signal,  Beefstick Barricade, Occlusion Occluder or Heavy Hindrance of  Hiding Holographic Salami.

There are numerous terms for the universe's creative freedom : 

• Quintessence
• Vacuum potential
• Hoover Maneuvers
• Primordial Pressure Parameters
• Void Family Values,
• Einsteinian Isomorphic Archaeo-Inanity Expectation
• Dork Energy

All terms for the Cosmological Quasiconstant, ☺.
It is an imaginary, transcendental function of volume:
☺ = :-) (4/3)πtc^iπ     

Where t = time, c = speed of light, and :-) ,
the probability of stuff filling in the space between the space which is considerably less than unity.

So you have this single virtual wave-particle.
It is unimaginably energetic, incredibly hot. So hot, it would make the particle want to turn around and go back where it came from. This is called virtual spin or "The Ding Dang Big Bang Birth Pang".
(If all of this sounds preposterously illogical to you, then you have just earned your diploma from  Ben's School  O' Quantum Mechanics On Line. Congratulations.

        

    Meanwhile Back in our local universe,
space itself was in the process of being defined,
all possible spaces existed simultaneously in superposition. 
Dimensions, curvatures, orbifolds and spherical chickens all being tried on for size.

Initially, energy dominates.  This all-bosonic wave function is coherent and represents pure information.  Intercommunication across its entire horizon is instantaneous following Bell’s nonlocality theorem for quantum entangled states. Virtual spin was responsible for the first symmetry-breaking phase transition.  The single original field split into photons and gravitons.  Photons decided to be spin one. Gravitons are thinking about being spin two, but since no valid scientific observation has actually been made, the decision is still in superposition.
Don’t look at me; I didn’t make this part up !  

The second phase transition occurred when the fermions split off and decided to be spin one-half.  The Pauli exclusion pressure between these fermions caused an instantaneous quantum leap as they separated.  In economic language we could say, too few gravitons chasing too many fermions causes inflation. At this point, space acquired a fractal nature.  Compactified dimensions count as less than one each.  The three main dimensions and all of the other compactified dimensions add up to, oh, say 3.1416… or thereabouts. Now, the fermions form a second sphere, expanding outward at less than the speed of light, obeying the speed limit set by Einstein with special relativity.  All of the photons and gravitons in the first sphere but outside the second sphere continue on outward, never to be reabsorbed.  This breaks time symmetry.

The Beauty is Truth in Physical Law Act of 1939 states that CPT — charge, parity, and time taken all together — should be a perfect symmetry.  If time symmetry is broken, then CP symmetry is also broken.  The second phase transition brought with it the second law of thermodynamics, and our old nemesis, entropy.  Entropy is the bane of information.  Entropy eats information for lunch.  When information goes to the other side of the ledger book, wave functions start collapsing all over the place.  Galactic eggs are formed. Spherical Chickens are hatched.

          The speed of new bosons still emitted on a regular basis far outstrips the speed of the fermions which emit them, and a portion of them escapes from the second sphere to the first, never to be reabsorbed.  The escaping gravitons constitute leakage and there is no cosmic Pampers.
Just as Newton’s laws of motion had to be modified by special relativity, so his third law must be modified:  For every action there is an almost equal and opposite reaction. 
This is a slight asymmetry of dualities.  The expansive force of quintessence causes the retractive force of gravity, but not with perfect symmetry. 
Quintessence is conserved but gravity leaks out, so it is not conserved. 
This explains the increase in the rate of expansion of the universe of late.
It is still unclear whether this leakage occurs because the bosons are not conserved, or that they are not conserved because they are leaking. Sort of what came first? The Spherical Chicken or the Egg...or maybe a Polygonal Lobster for that matter...hey anything is possible...but not everything is probable.

The other quasiconstants, G, h, and c, change with the changes of the threads of the corduroy of the cosmos.  They change rapidly at phase changes and much more slowly otherwise.  Look for a yearly rate of change on the order of one part in 13.7 billion.  The fabric of spacetime is woven from  wave-entangled timelines of the point-like or, time-sheets of string-like particles. 

As noted earlier, nature takes its freedom not from the fabric of spacetime but from the voids in between.  It is within these voids where the laws of cause and effect are not enforced.  As new particles add new threads to the warp and weave, the voids diminish in size, and G, h, and c diminish proportionally.  This does have an effect, but not so much that you would notice. 
Don’t mess about with the fine structure constant.  It works fine just the way it is.

As our universe expands out and dies its heat death, the size of the gaps in the fabric increases.  The value of h again becomes very large.  In fact, the remnants of one Universe might mediate and fine-tune the initial values of each succeeding Universe.  One might have to wait a million billion trillion years for it to happen, but the cauldron of creation boils eventually when there is no one there to watch it.

         To sum it up, we now have the standard model of cosmology.
If the sciences were funded adequately, we might have had the deluxe model.
And Plasma of course...is...another matter.  :P

iPhone App Flap Over Minor Glitch Resolved

 
CUPERTINO, Calif.  - Apple Chief Executive Orifice Tim Cook refused to apologize today for being a pompous cunt. During a brief press conference he was asked by National Buffoon reporter Peter Fitzinwell if he realized that a Mac was in fact a PC. Cook said "of course, but the pretentious Crapple fanboys are essentially retarded narcissists and buy any piece of shit we stage an overblown introduction for".  "Hell, we haven't really improved our shitty operating system since 1986. We change the shape and size of the containers, we change the names. But improvements? Don't make me laugh, there's too many suckers out there. We make far too much money off our shoddily manufactured crap and pay so little for labor...while pretending to be socially responsible...I mean we did after all install suicide nets at no small expense on our iphone factory. We have no incentive to change our business model!"
He further elaborated "Crapple makes things that are sort of like computers, but designed for gullible hipster douchebags who want to be pompous shitheads just like us!"

"But this is not why I called this Press conference" he said, and came to the point.
"You remember our iMap software had er...glitches. Well one of the glitches was that instead of displaying accurate information, it  completely misrouted directions and urged iPhone users to "Kill ... Kill ... Kill" in an eerie, high-pitched voice. 
   We were legally compelled to pretend to be sorry for the frustration that caused our customers. 
We did everything we could to make iMaps better, and  this is the solution we came up with...we changed the name!"

  Cook said in a letter to customers posted today on the company's website that the new name for the defective app would be the iKillKillKill...and when people clicked on the link to read it,  it sent out a signal that told people to kill.

Cook excitedly introduces Crapple's new iKillKillKill app.

    Crapple has been critical of the Google Maps program which they claim had only resulted in the rare fatality, usually when an irate user bludgeoned a Google worker attempting to plant a camera for the Shower Stall View feature. They are also competing with Google to see just how much money they can hide away in foreign shelters in an effort to avoid paying U.S. Taxes.
Cook commented "G.E. is by far the leader, but they are an old money company and tax ripoffs are expected from them. We lead Google in the Tech sector...why Crapple siphons over a billion dollars a week into foreign accounts so the US doesn't get a dime in revenues from it! Ha Ha Ha!"

  The exciting new iKillKillKill software developed by Crapple adds features such as turn-by-turn bludgeoning, axe navigation, and auto firearm detection; which always provides instruction for loading ammo. it still offers unreliable landmark searches as an additional feature of course. But along with routes that get users lost and directing them to the wrong country it emits an almost hypnotic subliminal message to murder!

"Dude, it was like hairy" said iPhone user Willy Pimples, 19, of Palmyra, N.J. "I was looking up directions to the Pennsauken Skateshop, and next thing I know, I'm trying to hatchet my mother." Fortunately, Willy's mom was able to snap her son out of this trance by smashing his face in with his  can of Red Bull.

Others haven't been so lucky, according to FBI Special Agent  Dick Bender, who says his agency has tracked more than 2000 murders - primarily strangling, stabbing, bludgeoning and people who had iPhones crammed into their anus.

"That's great" says Cook. "It may have been a problem for something called an iMap...but as an iKillKillKill app, users will be delighted. And obviously this will be a huge seller in the United States where mass murder is now the national pass-time. But I think it will help spread senseless violence to the rest of the world too. We at Crapple are always trying to appear to be innovating!

    Surely enough... sales of the new iPhone which come with the iKillKillKill ap native, are selling like hotcakes.  More than 3 million units were sold in just the last week. And only eight have been returned.  "Six of those were returned because the buyer had gotten overly excited and bought two by mistake." said Cook.

National Buffoon interviewed Willy Pimples and asked if the fact that it could cause him to kill his mother or other close family members might make him want to exchange his iPhone for some other type of smart phone, Willy  responded by saying, "Actually, I've been thinking about getting a Blackberry." Then he burst out laughing so hard that he had to lie down and roll on the floor.
 "Dude! Are you crazy? Give up my iPhone?" I'm OK with the whole murdering thing."

Another Crapple enthusiast, Hugh G. Dildeaux, 20, of Kuntztown, Pa. added "at least it hasn't caught on fire yet,"  Hugh is recovering from temporary blindness caused when his iPad shot flames into his face. Dildeaux said that problem should be worked out shortly, or at least in time for the release of the next Crapple iPhone...and hell, in the meantime, anyone  scorched by their iPhone will receive a $15 gift card to the iTunes store! "Sweet!" responded Pimples, who immediately started searching for directions to a Gun and Ammo shop.

Pope Hilarious II Reports From The Vatican

National Buffoon Vatican Correspondent Pope Hilarious II Reports From Rome -

   Hello Gangrenes, Pope-a Hilarious here and I'm at-a the party here-a with the Cardinals. These-a boys are-a funny I tell ya'. Next-a time I have a conclave though, I'm inviting the St. Louis Cardinals instead of-a these old codgers and choirboy buggery chumps. They just don't-a know how to throw a decent-a conclave.
To start-a with I can't get a decent-a martini anywhere-a in this joint. I mean I figured with all the money and real estate-a these guys own-a, it wouldn't be a "bring-a your own" affair.

So anyway, we got off to a slow start here because most-a of these Cardinals tried to take-a more than 3 oz. of-a holy water with them on-a their flights and were all delayed.  As-a you know folks, the old-a pope is-a retiring...I guess he wants to spend-a more time-a at home with his wife & kids-a. Oh, Cardinal Frederico Fellatio just-a told me the old-a Pope isn't married...so hey girls! He's-a single! Yes and-a he's rich-a too,,,,damn you know-a you can even wear his clothes, he has lots of nice dresses and cool hats!

With the old-a  Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel with 200 alter boys to choose the next Pope. First they take-a a vow of silence-a (What happens in-a the Chapel stays in-a the Chapel). Then they play-a that game-a "Twister" without-a wearing any clothes. After they drink-a all the sacramental-a wine they do the Hokey Pokey...cause after all-a, that's what it's all about. Eventually, after they get-a tired of freeloading and wanking around, they will-a take a vote-a to see who the new pope is. Of course the first 10 times or so-a they all write-a their own name's on-a the ballot. When one of-a them get's-a drunk enough to not-a remember his own name-a, he writes some-a other name-a instead, and-a that's how a new-a pope is chosen. If-a nobody gets-a drunk enough, then they measure their disco sticks and-a whoever has-a the longest one gets-a to pick the Pope-a. Then they start preying...

While they are holed up-a in here, they send out-a the white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, green-a smoke-a if they chose Willy Nelson, and a text message if-a they find out-a it's not-a the dark ages anymore.

I think it's-a going to be tough-a on the old-a Pope to retire-a. I mean-a it's such a big dramatic change. He will-a have to go-a from wearing a robe around all day to wearing a robe all day.

You know-a many many people will be missing-a him. I overheard-a this one little boy at his last-a mass shout-a that before-a Ratzinger came-a to town he didn't-a know what sin was.
And there was-a this fellow who was mayor of this little town on the Mediterranean who told me this-a touching story of when-a the Pope came to his town. Yes, he said all the residents had-a lined the street hoping for a blessing. The Mayor was sure the Pope would stop and talk to him, but was-a surprised when the Pope ignored him completely and  instead whispered a few words to a filthy old tramp standing on the other side of the road. ‘Of course!’ thought the Mayor. ‘The Pope cares more for the poor and homeless, not the rich like me!’ So the mayor dashed over to the tramp,and bought his clothes,he changed into them quickly, then he ran to the end of the street and lined up again to see the Pope!. Sure enough the Pope saw the Mayor and walked over to talk to him.  ‘Hey, you stinky piece of shit,’ whispers the Pope. ‘I thought I told you to  get lost!’

"Peeeyuuuu! I've had enough of this crap ...I quit!"

Visit Pope Hilarious II's Facebook page for more humor.

World's Best Worst Children's Books!

By National Buffoon Literature Editor,
  Dr. Jim Pansey)

   A Quick list
of the greatest
Children's Books
ever written.

 A dysfunctional favorite!
Pick one up for a fiend as well as yourself!

Comes with recipes for date rape drugs!

 

Teach the kids about the wonders of being a nasty bully!

Learn about the inevitability of death.

 The mystery of the STDs.

In chapter 10 he gets rolled, sucker punched and left in a ditch.

 This one is a howler!
Rover will love it!

 Introduce the youngsters to the wonders of alcoholism!

 Yes, well hey...times are tough in this economy.

 Introduce the kids to the wonders of nature...and poison ivy!

 Come along on Stabby's killing spree!

 A perennial favorite!

 

...And soils himself !

 

 

 This was originally published as "Killing Christmas" by Bill O Reilly

But now sold repackaged with art ripped off from Dr. Seuss for the kids!

 Introduce the kids to watery death!
Fun for all ages!

  Real life problem solving!

 By Stanley Kubrick!
His only children's book!

 Breast augmentation for toddlers!

 Start the little sadists off on the right foot!

 Sooner or later kids, you're going to need this book.

 Fun and instructional!

 Hint---no that isn't Disneyland kids.
Now dig!

 From the Penn State library to yours!

Big seller at the Vatican!

 ...she'll put out one of it's eyes.

Of course she does.

 That's right kids
not only is there no Santa.
But if there is a God, (and there likely isn't) he hates you and wants you to suffer. LOL!

 Incompetent boob Sarah Palin scribbles some nonsense.
Can be used as toilet paper.

 Explore the wonders of substance abuse with the Berenstain Bears!

 The wonders of various intestinal illnesses from eating green meats and moldy eggs!

Fun with flatulence!



Teach the kids about numerous bacterial infections caused by ingesting fecal matter.

Cannibalism On The Rise

Following all the recent incidents of people eating human flesh as a source of nourishment, cannibalism cases are growing on a global scale. Requiring less digestive effort than gorging on chicken, eating people has traditionally been reserved for the elite, but now many are trying to imitate the now infamous Miami Face Eater in an attempt to go down in history right before getting shot by the police. The self proclaimed "Cleveland Face Eater" is currently at large and is comfortably leading the race in cannibalism's "Face Eating" category on Youtube. He posted at least six instances of faciès delectation, where he can be seen chewing the facial attributes off numerous people, casually washing it all down with some Old Milwaukee Dry. The CEO of the brewery, Mr. Milwaukee, an old and dry fellow himself just like his beer, had this to say about the cannibal:
"Great publicity for us! It's awesome to see someone who enjoys a low-calorie, ice-cold beer made for the Ultra life while chewing a protein-rich face and eyeballs. Modern people are taking care of their diet and have an active lifestyle, and the Cleveland Face Eater is a prime example of today's active lifestyle.
Another well-publicized  instance of cannibalism occurred at the Idaho House of Representatives, where Congressman Hugh G. Bone (R) was savagely attacked by the Speaker of the House right in the middle of a lengthy speech about the new system of grading of bovine meat for small producers. The Speaker's sudden and ferocious attack was reminiscent of a school of piranhas in a feeding frenzy.
As it turned out, Mr. Bone was posthumously awarded a B- rating according to his own gradation system. "HIS GODDAMN SIRLOIN WAS TOO SHORT AND HE HAD STONES IN THE LIVER!!!" the demented speaker shouted relentlessly while being chased by a battalion of wildlife officers wielding nets normally meant for catching grizzly bears.

Profiles Of The GOP Candidates - Part 2 - Rick Santurum

Fear And Loathing In The GOP
America's dimmest incompetent xenophobes & homophobes seek to destroy the notion of democracy and make a few bucks in the process.

You have heard the old axiom "every nation has the government it deserves”. Sadly the truth of this is inescapably obvious today in these United States of America. Thanks to the lazy, ignorant, illiterate electorate a toxic brew of political incompetents, corporate lackeys, and self-serving money-grubbing douche-bags; so poisonous to our nation’s government, that it would seem beyond its ability to recover, now inhabit the halls of the nation's government. As we witness the current plague of rapacious circus clowns vying for the nation’s highest office we are inclined to willfully poke a sharp stick in our eyeballs to distract us from the pain.

A jab in the eyeball with a crudely sharpened stick is preferable to listening to any GOP presidential hopeful.

Regressive politics and ruinous political gridlock have left America virtually paralyzed. The collapse of the housing bubble/mortgage crisis continues, as does the financial meltdown that resulted. Incomes for 90% of Americans continue to lag far behind inflation; the middle class is destitute. The political forum ignores any serious issues such as dealing with climate changes, spiraling upwards energy and food prices, a rapacious health insurance system which continues to financially ravage the patients it portends to save, a disastrous trade policy, an ever expanding military budget that dwarfs the rest of the nations in the world combined, to name but a few.

Have you ever heard a more moronic comment?

But what are these assclowns concerned about? None of those things.They are worried about gays being included in civil rights guaranteed by a constitution they have never actually read much less understood , or the fact that some billionaire might have to pay more than half the tax rate a carpenter does.
The endgame is always some sort of advancement of an aristocracy over the notion of democracy.

I Don't Know About You,
But Clowns Have Always Given Us The Creeps

2012 GOP Clown Car Transports Candidates, Pundits & the Zombie Corpse of  Ronald Reagan to Hell.

This country absolutely doesn’t need any level-headed moderates or someone that is fluent in Mandarin like Jon Huntsman. Screw that guy. Good thing he dropped out! He’s a crazy Mormon like Obamney, all they want is to level up so they get their own planet to rule over. What we need are Jackass morons with shit for brains to address the issues that distract us from the reality of the dire circumstances our version of predatory capitalism has unleashed upon the world. "Dick" Santorum fits the bill. 

 

Vote For Me! I'm a P.O.S.!
No really!

Here's the breakdown on the candidate: He is mentioned in the bible (the sweater vest of many colors). He is obsessed with battling homosexuality and seems to feel preventing gays from having weddings is the most important issue in the world.... which more often than not means he's struggling with his own identity issues as we have seen from previous conservative bloviating posers who spend their time denouncing gays such as 20$ Robert "Bob" Allen, Stall man Larry Craig, Richard Curtis, Mark Foley, and Ted Haggard, to name a but a few.

Rick Santorum- candidate...major wanker

He believes in a flat earth originally inhabited by Fred Flintstone and his dino-pals 6,000 years ago. He has some big flag pins that were made in China and like the current speaker of the house is known for crying. He has embarrassed his children and forced them to appear in his campaign ads as props. He was soundly given the boot in 2006 by his home district and removed from congress for generally being a worthless douche-bag embarrassing his constituents.

Rick's surname is synonymous with the combination of fecal matter, spermatozoa, and anal lubricants. (A feat unequaled by the other candidates!). What more could you want in a presidential candidate. Here you finally have a candidate who is a piece of shit both figuratively and literally! Seems to the National Buffoon staff he should be a shoe- in!  Besides, he looks like he'd have a birth certificate and he isn't in one of those wacky non-christian cults like many of his opponents. 

Santorum Should Be A Shoe-In For The GOP Nomination

  In Town For The 12,058th GOP Debate...

Mitt Romney gets into a bar and orders a beer.

I’d like a Budweiser.
There you go, sir.

Romney looks shocked.

I never asked for that! I clearly demanded a Coors light!

The barman avoids a confrontation.

Here’s your Coors light.

Romney stands back.

I never requested this beer! I’m the kind of guy drinking a Guinness!

Michele Bachmann gets in.

Hi, sir. Do you have beers what are not owned by the government?
That would be all of them, ma’am.
I am thirsty. Give me 10,000 pints of your most patriotic beer.

The barman tries to remain calm.

What about I give you one pint, and we see from there?
Are you telling me what I can and can’t drink? You want to take my freedom away?

She glares at the barman with crazy eyes. He decides to ignore her. And Romney as well.

Herman Cain gets in.

Hello sir, I would like to order a beer!
Sure, what do you want?
I don’t know.
Do you want to see the list of beers we carry?
I don’t want to read, I want to order a beer, right now!
So which beer would you like to order?
I don’t know, I just told you!

The barman gives him the same treatment as the other two and sees Rick Santorum getting in.

Hello, my good man. I would like a beer.
Which one?
Oh, I don’t care, whatever you have.
One Bud coming…
But I need you to sign this form to attest that this beer has not been served, transported, made or harvested by homosexuals.

At the same moment, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich and Jon Huntsman gets in the bar.

The barman grabs his shotgun and shoots himself in the head.

 

Think about this...not too long though lest your head explode..."A third of the young people in America are not in America because of abortion". Huh? And just think how many youngsters are held prisoner in condoms.

Part One of this article featuring Mitt Romney can be found here:

http://nationalbuffoon.blogspot.com/2012/02/profiles-of-gop-candidates-part-one.html