2011 was the year of the Jackass
Before ringing in the new year which promises to be no better,
let us have a look at some of the events and the imbeciles that shaped the year.
People In The News
Perennial presidential candidate and Hair Club for Men
spokes-model Donald Trump confirmed that the Donald is in
possession of irrefutable evidence that President Obama is a Martian. Trump claimed he possessed evidence
linking Obama’s DNA to DNA found in a meteorite that crashed into
Trump’s bathroom last week while the billionaire was being given a
sponge bath by six prospective former employees. It's a little unclear why he has the president's DNA but it sure riled up a bunch of people who are convinced that President Obama is "different".
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| The meteorite destroyed a vase from the Ming Dynasty, prompting Trump to sue gravity. |
Trumps allegations prompted the
former 1/2 term Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin
to take time out from shooting things from a helicopter to record a
video that she has posted on her Facebook page. In the video, Palin
stops short of agreeing with Trump that Obama is a Martian but she does
applaud Trump's firing everybody.
"The public wants the president to stop secretly bombing Libya, killing Bin Laden, and that other stuff he does and address these unsubstantial accusations from crazy megalomaniacs
with delusions of grandeur."
a spokesman for Palin said.
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| Palin picks a winner in next years presidential race. |
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The Rapture Came And Went (Twice)
Michele Bachmann, the legislator who is rated as the least truthful in all of congress, and who has the worst attendance record in congressional history decided to run for president. She outlined her opposition to funding higher
education, her commitment to the creation of "Tax Free Zones," where wealthy people could get off without paying taxes, her belief that the gays are trying to destroy her marriage, and the
deep personal disappointment she feels in the wake of missing the
Rapture. Straying from scripted remarks in which she discussed
her position on the Founding Fathers' belief in a "free labor market"
rather than a minimum wage, Bachmann broke down in tears at a rally in
Davenport, Iowa.
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| Bachmann Left Behind |
"Jesus, why have you
forsaken me?" Bachmann called out, apparently to the sky. "I've done
everything you ever asked. I've questioned the patriotism of
non-borned again Christian Americans; I've equated same-sex marriage with a total
cultural indoctrination of our children into a gay lifestyle. I even
used the word "orgy" several times in discussing public spending. I've
done everything I humanly could to bring about the End of Days. Where's
my goddammed reward?"
These remarks followed the occurrence of the
Rapture on May 21st, as prophesied by the severely retarded broadcaster Harold
Camping. Bachmann, who has previously claimed that she had been "called"
by God to run for Congress, and who was said to have been "really
really excited about Judgment Day," was, according to aides, "absolutely
crushed" by her failure to ascend.
Harold Camping, the smelly old codger who predicted the May apocolypse says he was “flabbergasted” that the rapture did not take him—so are we; well, not flabbergasted so much as disappointed. The fact that these religious wackjobs are still here is rather depressing I'm afraid.
Despite his million dollar campaign and amazing “biblical math”
predicting the end of the world, nothing of any remote interest happened the designated weekend, not even on TV.
But worry not, believers! Camping now says that Jesus did return this last weekend, only in an invisible form detectable by no one except himself.
And he told Camping the New End Of The World would be in October.
Which also came and went.
President
Obama announced in May that
Public Enemy #1, Osama bin Laden was killed on the evening of Sunday,
May first. Obama praised the Special Forces team for
the take down. Shortly after
the news conference, former president George Bush claimed he was actually the one who took Bin Laden out.
President Governs From Motel 6
Due to foreclosure on the White House caused by the U.S. defaulting on a secret mortgage taken out by
President George W. Bush while in office, The President now must govern from a Motel 6.
When contacted at his
Texas ranch, Bush admitted to putting up the White House as collateral
in 2003 to a bank which is based in Saudi Arabia. "Them
sheiks over there in the desert had all kinds of money to loan me," Bush
said. "I had two wars to pay for and the American people would've cried
like babies if I raised taxes on them, I had no other choice." According to Bush, the stress of moving out of the White House in 2008 made him forget to tell Obama about the loan. "Man,
I had Laura whining in my ear constantly while we packed our stuff,"
Bush said. "I meant to let Barack know, I guess it just slipped my mind
or something."
Ahmed Hammoud, president of the Arab National
Bank, said Obama, along with his wife and kids, have seven days to clear
out of the residence."They had over two years to make a payment
and they never did," Hammoud said. "Now the infidels.... Uh, I mean the
Obama family, has one week to gather their belongings and permanently
vacate the premises."
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| White House now the "Infidel House |
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said Obama will now conduct daily operations from a Washington D.C. area Motel 6. "A
room there is all we can afford right now," Carney said. "Super 8 was
an option too, but the TVs there don't have cable, just pay-per-view
adult movies."
Justice Department to Prosecute Politicians Having Affairs in Lieu of Prosecutions of Bankers Responsible for Economic Meltdown
Sources at the D.O.J. have stated that Attorney General Eric Holder is “giddy with excitement” over prosecuting politicos who take pictures of their winkys and post them in e-mails, those who have affairs, or those who think about sex. When
pressed about the costs of mass investigations into political
expenditures related to love affairs and other legal, yet frowned-upon
activities, the DOJ reluctantly admitted that “the money is
limitless” and a single investigation could “theoretically last for an
eternity, costing millions, though probably billions, of dollars.” In
response to questions regarding the prosecution of the bankers who were
responsible for the recent economic meltdown, the DOJ said “No, that
would be too hard. We don’t even talk about that stuff.”
The United
States Supreme Court, in a 5 to 4 ruling that in light of recent Court
decisions came as no surprise, has concluded that under the First
Amendment, money talks.
Justice Anthony Scalia, writing for the
majority in the landmark decision Uncommon Greed Versus Common Good case,
cited as legal precedent last year’s controversial Citizens United
decision, which granted free speech protections to corporations. Scalia
asserted that the Citizens United decision served as precedent in this
case because, “Once corporations enjoy free speech protections, it is no
great leap to pass along those same protections to money, as long as
the principal of maximum equm bullhornium (more equals louder) applies.
That is to say, the larger the denomination, the louder it talks, so
that a dollar bill is one hundred times louder than a penny, and a one
hundred dollar bill is one hundred times louder than a dollar bill, and a
million dollars practically screams ‘legislation legalizing mercury in
corn flakes’ – which is why I’m totally switching to raisin bran.”
Speaking
from the bench for the liberal minority, Justice Sonia Sotomayor
expressed her frustration with the narrow decision. “If the majority
truly believe that it was the Founding Fathers’ intent that money talks,
then they must also accept the corollary principal that bullshit walks,
which means that from this day forward bullshit is permanently mobile
and, as such, is subject to the scalias dumbassius application of the
law which, by defining free speech as money, legally requires that the
more I speak, the more money I shall be paid. Well? Here I am, a wise motor mouth and I want my damn money!”
Legal scholars were
stunned by the scope of today’s decision. Unfortunately, none of them
could be quoted for this article because none of them is filthy rich.
However, British Petroleum, Dow Chemical, Halliburton, The NFL and Exxon-Mobil all released EXTREMELY LOUD STATEMENTS
applauding the Court’s wisdom.
TSA Unveiled New Security Screening Device
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| Steely Dan |
The
Transportation Security Administration unveiled a new device
intended to be used for advanced security screening measures in airports
across the United States. A TSA spokesperson claims the oddly-shaped
electronic tool will greatly increase “travel safety, passenger
satisfaction, security efficiency, and passenger satisfaction.” The
device, nicknamed “Steely Dan" by TSA staffers, is a 12”
bullet-shaped electrical device with an internal vibration-creating
gyro. TSA officials have not yet announced how the device will be used,
though regional TSA Director John Rubright claims “it will penetrate
the field of security in ways that none of our other intrusive scans
could ever dream of.” Passengers will be asked to sit on the device, and any weapons
or explosive materials on their person will simply rattle out onto the
floor,” claims Dr. Willie B. Hardigan. “It may also massage the
passenger and make them feel more at ease, which may result in better
intelligence-gathering efforts.” One variety of the security device was intended to be used in
conjunction with a small rubber ball connected to leather straps which
would attach to the suspect's head in some way. But most of the
documents we've obtained using the Freedom of Information Act contain largely redacted material so we can't be certain how the
device will be used.
Other departments of
Homeland Security may also begin using variants of the TSA's equipment
before the end of the year. Currently, researchers are said to still be
“vigorously testing prototypes"
.For the first time in the history of the United States,
the approval rating of Congress literally turned negative.
Congress'
approval rating is now at -3 percent.
Voters were apparently very upset
over their causing huge drops in the stock market and a credit downgrade by Standard
& Poor's. Commentators were shocked at the reported number
and were at a loss to explain it. "This is the lowest approval rating
ever received by anything," stated Frank Newport, editor-in-chief of the
Gallup Poll. "By way of comparison, cancer reliably polls in the 1 to 2
percent range."
"Man, I remember those good
old days when only two-thirds of Americans hated our guts," reminisced
Democratic Congressman John Dingell, currently the longest-serving
member of the House of Representatives. "Then again, I only made $50,000
back in the 1970s. I can't retire on your approval ratings, but I sure
as hell can live a sweet life on my awesome pension! Ha !"
Academics
have been pouring over this new polling data, attempting to explain how
an approval rating could actually turn negative, an event many
mathematicians thought was impossible.
"In any random sample of
people selected to participate in a poll, you are bound to find your
fair share of criminals, sexual deviants and other people who are family
members of a Congressman," said Newport in a phone interview. "In the
past, these people loved the dysfunctional, psychotic behavior typically
displayed in Congress. However, even these people are now fed up with
their actions."
Indeed, pollsters have discovered that things
have become so bad that people who are usually too lazy or apathetic to
give an opinion are now voting multiple times in the same poll.
It's nice that people are really starting to participate in the
political process, even if it's just to say how much they hate the
political process.
Things fail to look any better
when the polling data is broken down for each individual Congressman.
Indeed, there was only one Congressman who received a positive approval
rating, former Oregon Representative David Wu, who resigned earlier after admitting to a sexual scandal with an 18-year-old woman. "It
seems voters were willing to overlook his transgression, reasoning that
any person who voluntarily leaves Congress must ultimately be an
honorable person," stated Newport.
However, some politicians were
reluctant to draw any conclusions from the new poll, believing that
things are actually much better than they seemed.
Yeah, I'm
hearing all this talk about our record-low approval rating," said House
Speaker John Boehner in a press conference at the Capitol. "But what all
these articles don't tell you is that the margin of error in the poll
is 4 percent. We could easily have a 1 percent positive approval rating,
but reporters never bother to report that information. I am simply
disgusted by the sensationalism displayed today by most journalists,
people who are always trying to put a negative spin on everything and
twist the facts to support their own agenda. Boehner, who will be appearing in a Viagra commercial early next year, then began to weep like a 2 year old.
Presidential Candidate Rick Perry Declares Constitution Unconstitutional
Rick Perry
announced to an audience of enthusiastic supporters that the United
States Constitution was unconstitutional and must be repealed
immediately. "It is an absolute travesty that this country has
allowed such a blatantly illegal law to exist for over 200 years," said
Perry at a city park in the capital of Des Moines. "But if you elect me
President, my first act will be to burn that piece of trash to
ashes and return us to the principles that once made this country
great."
In recent weeks, Perry has voiced his frustration with
specific elements of the government. He called the Social Security
program an unconstitutional Ponzi scheme, and he even attacked certain
elements of the Bill of Rights, including the 13th amendment. "If
I want to sell myself into slavery, that's my right as a freedom-loving
American," said Perry in a speech to the Congressional Black Caucus
last week.
Apes Rise, Take Over Banana Republican Party
A
spokeschimp for the Banana Republicans made it clear that apes are in no
mood to bargain with humans over the division of power in Washington.
Speaking through an interpreter, the spokeschimp said, “Oooh oooh oooh,
ahhh ahhh ahhh, eeee eeee eeee, grrrrrr!”
Congress angered over President's jobs bill,
claim their jobs aren't protected!
I don't
think it's fair that the title of Congressperson has no real job
security associated with it,” explained House Speaker John Boehner.
“You'd think we could find a non-partisan resolution to this issue that
will keep Congress employed here at least another 20 years.”
“This is so typical of Obama,” said
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “He has no respect for wealthy
people, like us Congressmen. I'm sure he'd much rather see Congress
filled with, you know, common sleazy peaople. I'm sorry to break this to you, Mr.
President, but the American people don't want sleaze-balls on the hill.
No one should hold office who hasn't drank at least two or three
glasses of wine that cost as much as an economy car.” “We're
the job creators,” Cantor continued, chugging from a
bottle of $4,350 wine brought to him by a Congressional Page he then proceeded to rape. “I mean,
okay, yes, we haven't actually created any jobs in the Congress. And
yes, you could build a pretty strong case that tax breaks for the
wealthy have never once created a single job. But still, we're job
creators! If you drive a Lotus sports car, you aren't riding around in a
flower. The Philadelphia Eagles don't have a bunch of birds running
around on the field. Why can't we call ourselves `job creators' without
actually having done anything to create jobs?”
Other members of
Congress are upset at the new jobs bill for other reasons as well. “If
this bill of [President Obama's] actually works, his polling numbers
will shoot through the roof,” said Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. "Fuck that!"
