Monday, September 11, 2017

Trump Makes A Big League Plan To Benefit From Irma Victims

Scientists reported that not only was the hurricane massive, but it was full of sharks!

Trump scrambles to produce more campaign hats for “the big crowds I expect for me in San Juan and Miami”

  In response to Hurricane Irma, President Trump has laid out ambitious plans to ensure that he and his family will generously benefit from the recent hurricane catastrophe. Printing up another 50,000 “USA” and “Make America Great Again” hats and dropping the price from $40 to $35 because “Even though the economy sucks for everyone but millionaires, I want to be sure everyone down there can afford at least one of my feel good hats. I’ve also instructed Melania to reduce the price of her FLOTUS caps. This should provide some instant relief for those crackers and hispanics.”

 To aid Puerto Rico, he plans on shipping 300,000 tacos from the Trump Tower Grill, where “the best taco bowls are made,” to San Juan at a slight discount. “I love Hispanics!” He said. "I love to grab 'em."
"Mmmm, Taco Bowls! Covfefe!"
 The president will offer a great package of incentives for Jewish residents who wish to move out of Florida, “but they must act fast and no whining about where I send them.” Mr. Trump said most would be relocated to ruby red states in the West where their traditionally left-leaning votes wouldn’t matter. He added that the incentives would likely include “a box of Trump steaks and five slot tokens per Jew to be used at any one of my Trump casinos.” He also said he appreciates that a storm of this magnitude can be traumatic for victims in its path and they will need to rest and unwind afterwards.  That’s why he is happy to offer storm victims 10% off annual memberships to his bankrupt and shuttered Trump International Golf Club Puerto Rico, where new golf club members are free to play at their leisure with the understanding that the club is not responsible for injuries due to zero maintenance on the course for the past two years.

Irma Victims are invited to play golf at Trump International Golf Club Puerto Rico

The president has also announced a “Blowout Buy-Back Program” for his immediate family, cabinet members, and White House staff authorizing them to purchase post-Irma, condemned properties in Puerto Rico and Florida at one cent on the dollar, with no property taxes for 25 years. Republican congressional representatives will also be considered for the “Blowout Buy-Back Program” on an individually-considered basis.
I'll buy your flood zone property at the very fair rate of 1cent on the dollar!
That may make you homeless, but you'll be a homeless winner.
If you won't sell I'll condemn it and you'll just be a homeless loser!
In some areas hit by Hurricane Irma, personal property loss will be a major factor, like clothing damaged by rising floodwaters.
Get out of that flooded basement and into a pair of Donald J. Trump slacks!!!

In some areas hit by Hurricane Irma, personal property loss will be a major factor, like clothing damaged by rising floodwaters. The president is ready to assist with storm slashed prices on all Donald J. Trump Signature Collection suits, dress shirts, and ties. Daughter Ivanka will also be dropping the price tag on her stunning line of office and evening wear for women!
The president tweeted, “No man or woman should miss a day of work because they don’t have the right attire. Irma be damned — you can still look and feel great in Trump branded apparel!”

The availability of clean water is always a problem after a major rainfall. Hurricanes flood rivers and overwhelm reservoirs. President Trump has ordered 300,ooo cases of his “pure as rain” Trump Natural Spring Water to be trucked into hard hit areas. Each bottle is emblazoned with the smiling, reassuring face of the president. Only 9 dollars a bottle!
Note: Water will be available to NRA members and Caucasians only.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

List Of The Things Trump Says Are Worse Than Nazis

Joe Scarborough
John McCain
Rosie O Donnell
The United Nations
The View
Forbes Magazine
Superbowl 50
Todd Rundgren
Kenneth C. Frazier (CEO of Merck)
 European Allies
Mean People On Twitter
Angela Merkel!
The Mayor Of London
The cast of Saturday Night Live
Renewable Energy
United Steelworkers Local 1999
Megyn Kelly's Period
The Prime minister of Montenegro
President Obama
Major League Baseball
Stephen Colbert
The Popular Vote
Penn Jillette's Las Vegas show
Federal Judges
Snoop Dogg
Sally Yates
General Motors
Mika Brzezinski
Chuck Todd's Goatee
Urbans (Keith?)
Gold Star Parents
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Transgendered Military Personnel
Vanity Fair (for a bad review of the food in one of his properties)
Neil Young
Mitch McConnell
The New York Times
Ted Cruz's Wife
The Cast Of Hamilton
The State of New Jersey
Pretty much everything else
except for fucking Nazis

Thursday, July 6, 2017

Trump- Pootin' America First! - (He that Smelt It)

Ok, is it just me?
Or does anyone else find the irony of Trump and Putin being world leaders and also being synonyms for farts too funny not to point out?
What will happen when they meet?
I don't know but I wouldn't light a match in that room!
Best open a window!
Pootin' says "Conflatulations on your election
Welcome to Trump Towers

​Farty on dudes.

It's the New Whirled Odor.

 So we have President Poop wonder Europeans can't trust him!

You might say these two have an inflatulation...Many people suffer from eggs o' stenchial angst because of these two world leaders.

Yes, I know this post stinks.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Huge Savings On Great Music

Making room at CD Baby for the new release "Step Into Liquid", the previous releases are offered for the next week at ludicrous prices. Save big! Order today!
Physical CDs are only 5 dollars!!!!
Downloads of albums are cheap too!
It's Christmas in July! Give yourself a gift!

Monday, December 26, 2016

Shitty Holiday Music List -The Worst Of The Worst

Ok Christmas is over, let's make our yearly lists ...I'll start with the worst holiday music I heard over the last month. Here it is gang. It was not easy but here are the 10 worst Christmas songs heard over the last month by this reporter.

(1) Home For Christmas – N’SYNC

The lyric “You can light the fire
I’m sending out this wire (sendin’ a wiii-yahhh)”
… was the point for me where this horrid excuse for a song spun into the wall of tires at Joe's Tire Shop, sending warm fragments of Goodyears all over the place. Oh, and if any tinpot has been 'boyband'  actually tried to light an open fire they would not find it easy. You can not just casually farm this out to someone through the medium of a crap ballad, that’s for certain. And it’s not like they offered to lob in a few dried twigs or lighter fluid, either…
Throw this one on the fire.
(2) This Christmas – Christina Aguilera
Before being royally stitched up by Maroon 5, any song involving Christina Aguilera used to always share exactly the same overriding theme – i.e. how great Christina Aguilera is, from the perspective of Christina Aguilera. Nowadays, however, musical wallpaper Adam Levine has the distinction of being the first ever musical collaborator to quash Aguilera’s trademark vocal into such indistinguishable middle-of-the-road mulch that you just have to take their word for it that she is on the recording at all. Maybe she helped them shift their stuff round the studio or something, or provided essential “vibes” throughout the recording. Anyway, This Christmas, surprisingly, is going to be a special Christmas for – wait for it – Christina Aguilera. From the point-of-view of Christina Aguilera, at any rate…
(3) Christmas in the Caribbean – Jimmy Buffett
Ah, here’s a promising concept. Hopefully the songwriter has immersed himself into island culture and really tried to imagine the festive season through the eyes of the people who live their lives in the Caribbean day-to-day, as opposed to, say, chucking together a bunch of pernicious clichés about their perceived easy-going approach to life, nice weather, and how everyone’s always happy all the time…
[3 minutes and 8 seconds later]
No. Didn’t think so.
(4) Eight Days of Christmas – Destiny’s Child
A pair of Chloe shades, a diamond belly ring, a nice back rub, some massaged feet (own), a crap jacket, some dirty denim jeans, a poem, a candlelit dinner, a gift certificate, the keys to a CLK Mercedes, and some quality t-i-m-e (basically, all the t-i-m-e outside the realms of this particular three-and-a-half minutes)…
Meanwhile, Kelly Rowland had to make do with some used Lego and a penny whistle, whilst Michelle Someone-or-other just got a hastily-written card bought from a gas station…
(5) Santa Baby – Madonna
When I first heard this one, I assumed it was just a bit of drunken piano-leaning from a long-forgotten eighties shlockmonger such as Bette Midler or Cyndi Lauper. I mean, this doesn’t even sound like … this … just sounds weird…
Madonna may have had some kind of bet on as to what she could release that Gwen Stefani wouldn’t immediately pilfer? You know, sort of a musical equivalent of the time Bill Hicks famously gave up smoking just to see if Denis Leary would follow suit?
Anyway throw this in the rubbish heap and never darken my ears with this again.
(6) My Grown Up Christmas List – Barbara Streisand
Ah, Barbara Streisand. She’s got a nose for a good tune. I’m sorry.
(7) Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Michael Bolton
Basically, any attempt to make a recording of Michael Bolton is a complete waste of recording equipment, studio time, electricity and oxygen. Oh, and in this case, saxophones and pianos that go “ker-plink-a-plinkity-plinkity-plinkity-plonk-plonk-plonk-plonk”…kill me now.
(8) All I Want For Christmas is a Real Good Tan – Kenny Chesney
That’s coincidental, actually, because all I want for Christmas is a condescending, cliché-ridden country track whose trite lyricism makes 3 Blind Mice seem like a Bob Dylan masterpiece.
And Chesney doesn’t disappoint on that front, either – check out THIS howler:
“Well if you’re thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ me a present this year
Let me put a bug in your cute little ear…”
Yes, it does, doesn’t it? Worse than sundried vomit  combined with fresh dogshit, in fact. And if you think THAT’S bad, take a look at Exhibit B:
“Don’t worry, baby, we’ll celebrate plenty
I’ll buy you some shades and a brand new bikini…”
Alright, he got all the way up to the word “plenty” and thought “Oh fuck, there’s no word that rhymes with ‘plenty’ and, not wishing to ruin any of his previous hard work, simply fudged the next line hoping no-one would notice. But he’s right. There is no word which rhymes with “plenty”. The nearest I can think up off-hand is “anal-entry”, so maybe Kenny can work his lyrical magic on that one next time…
“Rockin’ to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean
Singin’ Silent Night with the palm trees blowin’…”
… will probably just get you committed if you hear it more than once.
(9) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Jimmy Boyd
Interestingly, this is the 2nd track on this 10-song list by a person called Jimmy, meaning that, statistically, if you’re born in the US and called Jimmy/James, you are 20% likely to feature in a shit Christmas song!  And that’s undeniable scientific FACT, ladies and gentlemen … *needlessly slams fist on desk*.
And you can’t argue with cold, hard logic at the end of the day…
(10) The Christmas Shoes – Newsong
I don’t want to sound heartless or anything, but did the kid really have to leave it until Christmas Eve to buy those shoes? And the man out of Newsong, he’s not much better, either. I mean, a kid with an ill mum is one thing, but what excuse has a fully-grown adult man got for doing his Christmas shopping on Chrimbo Eve? And he was in the line BEHIND the boy, meaning, if anything, he’d left it that much later than that poor, blameless little scamp with the ill mum. Actually, kid, you’re off the hook as far as I’m concerned – go and be with your mother – she’s lucky to have a son like you. Not like THIS knobhead who stood behind you – come on, Newsong man, let’s at least see what you’re buying…
*peers inside bag*
What’s this? Some sunglasses and … a bikini … do you KNOW what time of year it … hey, hang on a minute…

Friday, December 16, 2016

Things To Do at Christmas Time...

Give a woman with no arms a "Clapper".

Arrange holiday plush toys in obscene poses.
 Hijack a mall Christmas Train
Make a gingerbread crackhouse.
 Burn some cookies.
Decorate Santa's Skeleton.

Put an elf on the shelf in a rude pose.

Steal a road cone and decorate it like a Christmas Tree.

Donate the worst Christmas tree you can find to a local church,
they'll be obligated to display it.

Dress like a shithead and walk around the mall.

Push a tree down on some TV sports announcer.

Bake rude cookies.