Buffoon News

Dateline-In a van down by the river, Wasilla, Alaska- Buffoon extraordinaire Sarah Failin; un- governor and perennial involuntary release of idiocy , escaped from her asylum in Alaska earlier today. She took herself hostage and is threatening to keep littering television screens across the nation with further appearances until everyone hands over their wallets to the nice Exxonaco Execs who need bigger gold toilets in their guest washrooms. Because they were kind enough to buy up all the copies of her new coloring book entitled "Going Batshit" making it seem like a best seller. The astroturf organization, owned by self aggrandizing, obscenely wealthy heir to the looted "Mellon" fortune- Dick Mellon Scarfehair, known as Noosemax will be giving them all away for free. So in this age when every penny counts...stock up for use as toilet paper! According to unnamed sources of flatulence close to the edge, she plans on having a swimsuit competition for the office of president in 2012 and has chosen to toot the trouser trumpet for her talent portion. Her running mate, Barney the purple dinosaur was detained, entertaining at a 3 year old's birthday party at an undisclosed location, and was unavailable for comment.

HIKING AWARD

South Carolina Governor Skidmark Sanford received the Sierra Club's Distinguished Hiker Award this week for his "work" on the Appalachian Trail. Heart shaped hot tubs are being installed at various shelters and work has begun on the "Pan American Trail" which goes from the Governor's Mansion to Argentina. "I ain't no hypocrite" said Sanford, when queried about his vocal criticism of President Clinton's personal indiscretions. "It's not like I was gettin' some while in public office like Willy!". An aide whispered "the Governor's position was indeed a public office and there was an attempt to charge the taxpayers for travel and expenses for the dalliance." The aide was slapped in the face and handed over to Dick Cheney for interrogation.






COUNTRY MUSIC TOP HONORS

The Country Music Album Of The Year award went to John Boehner for his album "White Noise"which was a hit in Gump, Indiana for a couple days when someone accidentally drove through town and the local station playing it non stop was the only station that would come in clearly. Songs on the album include: "No Place Like Hame", "I Wrote You A Paem", "Ice Cream Canes", "Ade to the Astro Dame", "King of the Raid" and other erstwhile meanderings that substitute the A sound for the O sound. A special feature included with the CD is a tube of some of that crappy fake suntan dye that turns your skin yellowish orange.










Teabagers, Birthers, and Deathers, Oh My!

"Teabagers" are now angry at the rest of the world because we let them call themselves teabagers....
" Those damned socialist, fascist, Taoist, academist, cartoonist, dentist,
protagonist, harpsichordist, ventriloquist, taxidermists!" Said Joe the not a plumber. Speaking to a gathering of over a dozen pigeons.


Statue Unveiled At Bush Presidential Library Well sort of... the as yet uncompleted library hopes to open someday, with it's featured "Weapons of Mass Destruction Room", which no one has yet been able to locate, "The National Debt Room", which is remarkably huge and has no ceiling, " The Tax Cut Room", with entry only to the wealthiest," The Economy Room", which is located in the toilet and the "Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they will make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth time.) Apparently no self respecting artist will have anything to do with creating a statue for the library entrance. So Dubya himself is masquerading as a statue in the meantime, since he apparently has nothing better to do.








Fox Unveils New Fall Shows

In an effort to continue the tradition of simply recycling old ideas Fox will air a rehash of Love American Style re-entitled Love Republican Style. The first episode will be filmed in an airport men's room stall and future episodes will go downhill from there.











Judge Judy meets Balmy Bachman




(click on graphic to enlarge)



















Bachman was sentenced to 2 years of actual public service, which she will serve by being a gargoyle.











Glossolalia



Pro idiocy advocates have rated "the Glenn Beck show" #1 in their coveted "arson ratings" which monitors which channels prison guards dial up to annoy the inmates. The great American patriot Thomas Paine returned from the dead to kick Beck's
sorry ass for trying to associate his drooling incomprehensible ranting with the good name of actual patriots.
Beck retorted with "quack! foobeemoopero, glub!!" and proceeded to soil his diaper.


National Buffoon Is Sponsored By:

Because War Crimes just shouldn't go
unpunished!






Standards Lowered!

Fox Spews managed to lower the quality of life once again of every man woman and child on the planet by broadcasting it's reigning slime time nincompoop's butt surgery. That's right.
They needed to come from behind in the ratings. Another milestone (or was that a kidney stone?) in the annals of public broadcasting for the Fox organization. In the end, it seems Glenn Beck is public enema #2.

Curiously, most Fox viewers didn't notice any difference between the close ups of diseased anuses and the normal daily broadcasts.




Happy Halloween all!

Watch out for flying evil monkeys!

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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The Perimeter Of Anti-Luminescence (Or Something Similar)

America is waiting to be infromed!

Here Come The Warm Jets! Or Something Like them.

A salute to all of those fine groups of individuals...

All those who never fail to decrease the sum knowledge of mankind each time they open their mouths.

The contingent who have stopped to think and never started again.




Those who stand for whatever baloney witless stooges will fall for.

One of the basic tenants upon which mankind pitches it's tent seems to be questionable.
For if indeed, ignorance is bliss why then are these people not smiling?

Creating Frankenstein Monsters and Such

::::::::

Sci-fi movie fans know the script. The mad scientist creates a monster but they can't control the monster and inevitably the monster destroys them.

Leaders of the GOP are now confronting the monster they helped create. Teabaggers, deathers, birthers, or whatever they call themselves this week are a creation of Fox News and GOP think tanks who desire to stir up dissent against the Obama administration.

It was a risky bet, and one that Sci Fi movie fans would have known was a loser. Creating a clown act media circus that presented President Obama and his moderate agenda was somehow extremist and unpopular. But they miscalculated the general public's distaste for these angry fringe group's behaviors and more importantly they underestimated the fear and anger of those they stoked and couldn't imagine that angry monster they charged up with Van Der Graf Generators and theater lightning turning against them. Yet now it has.

By hyping mistrust of "the government" they seem to have forgotten that they as Republicans also are that government and bear responsibility for it's accused excesses and abuses as much as anyone else.

This week we saw staunch conservative Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) heckled, booed and called a traitor and a bum at a town hall in his home state of South Carolina. In his career Sen Graham has enjoyed the highest ratings among conservative activist groups and some of the lowest among groups like the ACLU. A military JAG officer and a close ally of the party's last presidential nominee now finds himself attacked as an enemy of the conservative movement.

It is irrational. But monsters have never been and may never be known to behave in a rational manner. Which is why rational people and responsible parties tend to avoid creating monsters in the first place.

It's A Blunderful Life - Bollocks, Boobs, Blunders & Valentines Day

THE MASSACRE

Valentine's day looms balefully before us.
Yes folks, on this day we commemorate the relationship;
...no not the one your involved in,
but the historic relationship between Al Capone and Bugs Moran.
This is the single most contrived holiday ever invented
for the purpose of picking pockets and advancing consumerism.

The orthodox method of celebration however
is to purchase some item which is then exchanged for sexual favors.
This of course is completely different from prostitution.
Of course it is.
I imagine we all have our own ways of celebrating,
I for instance will stimulate the Mexican economy with the purchase of a fine bottle of tequila.


Which brings us to considering for a moment
Freud's contribution to buffoonery-
"The great question - which I have not been able to answer is, - What does a woman want?"
- Sigmund Freud

With romance and conspicuous consumption in the air,
it seems Freud's "great question" has finally been answered!
(By buffoons of course!)
The answer is in "the Kabakoff Affair".
(No, it's not bad episode of "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.")
Robert Kabakoff was riding his bike in Central Park while listening to tunes on his MP3 player one day. He passed a young woman who was sunbathing with her skirt hiked up and her derriere fully exposed. Kabakoff snapped a photo to document the "happy ending" with his cellphone from a polite distance (the bike path, 15 feet away). Another woman with our bare bunned sunbather noticed and took offense. The police were called in and Mr. Kabakoff was handcuffed, arrested, and spent the night in jail.

Apparently there is a law that, according to the New York Daily News outlaws "unlawful surveillance". This is a felony in that jurisdiction. Naturally, this "unlawful surveillance" concept only applies to private citizens as the local government allows itself a Larry Craig wide stance when it comes to surveillance latitude. As part of the patriotic paranoia offered up as a "solution" to religious extremists hi jacking airplanes, New York City has been involved in a government surveillance scheme known as the Lower Manhattan Security Initiative, which involves the installation of about 3,000 surveillance cameras and 100 license-plate readers in the business district south of Canal Street. Apparently, no one seems to oppose this extreme level of government intrusion. After all, as Randy Newman pointed out in A FEW WORDS IN DEFENSE OF OUR COUNTRY "A president once said We have nothing to fear but fear itself... now we are told we should be afraid, it's patriotic in fact, color coded...)

BUTT some fellow taking a photo of a girl who chose to present the patooti, exhibit the anterior, reveal the rump, bare the booty, uncover the can, and otherwise brandish her gluteus maximus in a public place is considered a clear and present danger by local authorities.
What a weirdo wonderland we have created.


Is Bloomberg BEHIND this?
The National Buffoon will get to the BOTTOM of this issue!
Admitedly, Kabakoff's behavior was tacky, a social faux pas.
Yet there's nothing intrinsically abusive about taking a picture in a public space,
especially if the particular subject of the photography is treating the public to generous views of her mudflaps. Not to be insensitive, but privacy in a public park is quite limited to say the least. Surely many passersby observed the caboose that day – Kabakoff merely recorded the event for posterior, er, posterity.

Kabakoff has sued the city, and in an uncommon display of common sense, they settled the suit and dropped the charges.

All's Well That ENDS well


Kabakoff received $8,000 as settlement and left for a European Vacation.

I hope he didn't bring his camera.


So to answer Freud's question. "What does a woman want?"
A women wants you in handcuffs.




HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! The National Buffoon spotlights...what else?
BUFFOONS.
Not just any ordinary run of the mill buffoons mind you,
but extraordinary buffoons!

From the pompous executives at Decca records,
Mike Smith and Dick Rowe who claimed
"Guitar groups are on their way out"
while passing up signing the Beatles in 1962,
to the engineer at the Advanced Computer Systems at IBM who said
"But what ... is it good for?" in 1968, commenting on the microchip.



If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from... morons?
And why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
And why on earth are instructions needed on shampoo?
Buffoonery is nothing new. It is a time honored tradition.







A closed mouth gathers no feet.


There is an Assyrian tablet dated at 2800 BCE.
It says- The Earth is degenerating today.
Bribery and corruption abound.
Children no longer obey their parents,
every man wants to write a book,
and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching.




" Cardinal Bellarmine, in a Letter to Foscarinin, April 12, 1615 wrote-
"First, . . . to want to affirm that in reality the sun is at the center of the world and only turns on itself without moving from east to west, and the earth . . . revolves with great speed around the sun . . .is a very dangerous thing, likely not only to irritate all scholastic philosophers and theologians, but also to harm the Holy Faith by rendering Holy Scripture false. Nor can one answer that this is not a matter of faith, since if it is not a matter of faith "as regards the topic," it is a matter of faith "as regards the speaker"; and so it would be heretical to say that Abraham did not have two children and Jacob twelve, as well as to say that Christ was not born of a virgin, because both are said by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of the prophets and the apostles."
What a buffoon.

"To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour. It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes."
Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)
What a buffoon.




"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country
and talked with the best people,
and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
Prentice Hall, editor in charge of business books, 1957
What a buffoon





I suspect we are all buffoons,
some perhaps more given to slaphappy activity than others.
But as we stumble through our lives,
from time to time we trip over some remarkable insights,
giving the impression that we are not chowderheads.
But the truth is we are indeed both fools
and trenchant sophisticates in our own ways.

Even August Comte, the French Philosopher
who created the Law of Three Stages,
which states that a society is a whole,
and each particular science,
develops through three mentally conceived stages;
Theological Stage, Metaphysics or Abstract Stage,
and the Positive Stage
(known as Positivism: which emphasized reason and logic)
managed to fire this one off-

"Every attempt to employ mathematical methods in the study of chemical questions must be considered profoundly irrational and contrary to the spirit of chemistry.... if mathematical analysis should ever hold a prominent place in chemistry -- an aberration which is happily almost impossible -- it would occasion a rapid and widespread degeneration of that science."

A further proof of man's dual nature follows:
"Radio is just a fashion contrivance that will soon die out. It is obvious that there never will be invented a proper receiver!"
Thomas Edison

"640Kb ought to be enough for anybody."
Bill Gates, 1981





"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.





"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, 1929

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

It's Deja Vu All Over Again

In the mid-1970s, the executives at the W.T. Grant variety store chain, one of the U.S.'s largest retailers at the time, decided that the best way to increase sales was to increase the number of customers … by offering credit. It put tremendous “negative incentive” pressure on store managers to issue credit.
Employees who didn’t meet their credit quotas risked complete humiliation. They had pies thrown in their faces, were forced to push peanuts across the floor with their noses, and were sent through hotel lobbies wearing only diapers.
Eager to avoid such total embarrassment, store managers gave credit “to anyone who breathed,” including untold thousands of customers who were bad risks. W.T. Grant racked up $800 million worth of bad debts before it finally collapsed in 1977. Seemed like a good idea at the time. So much so, numerous financial institutions have since adapted and tried to perfect the process!







BUFFOONS ON THE MARCH

Former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien discovers
that it's very hard to look cool if your in charge of the military
and you wear your helmet backwards.

"Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war."
- Donald Rumsfeld

"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."
- George W.Bush

"The difference between Sly Stallone and me is I am me, and he is him."
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Pardon me, but your Freudian slip is showing

Sometimes we have what is referred to as a Kinsley Gaffe or "Washington Gaffe".
Telling the truth by accident.
When a politician says something inadvertently in public
which he or she privately believes to be true,
but which he or she would ordinarily refrain from saying publicly
since he or she believes the statement would be politically harmful or damaging.
The term comes from journalist Michael Kinsley,
who famously said, "A gaffe is when a politician tells the truth."
He first coined the term in The Guardian on January 14, 1992.

"We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we're going to succeed"
--Ronald Reagan



"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Sept. 15, 1988



"I stand by all the mis-statements that I have made..."
-The American former Vice President Dan Quayle
has been a leading buffoon for quite a while now.
The man was born with his foot in his mouth.
"I have no problem communicating with Latin American heads of state
- though now I do wish I had paid more attention to Latin when I was at school."

On another occasion he told befuddled Western Samoans:
"You all look like happy campers to me.
Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been,
and as far as I am concerned, happy campers you always will be.
Then he told passing mourners at a funeral to "have a nice day".

Margaret Thatcher once addressed a meeting:
"It is marvelous to be back in Malaya"
The only trouble was that she was in Indonesia.

Kenneth Clarke, the former Tory Chancellor,
while addressing a group in Consett in March, 1995
said
"At Consett, you have got one of the best steelworks in Europe.
It doesn't employ as many people as it used to because it is so modern."
(The factory had closed it's doors in 1980.)
As if that weren't enough to convince the people of Consett
that Clarke knew little of their plight and cared less
he further insulted them by saying...
"Consett is also one of the major centers for disposable baby nappies (diapers)."
That factory had closed down four years before Mr Clarke made the speech.

U.S. President Nixon landed at a Norfolk air base in the late 1960s
and publicly praised "Prime Minister Macmillan".
Harold Wilson was Prime Minister.

Even Brits, who are known for keeping a stiff upper lip,
must find it trying to stay in form on occasions like these.
A year or two later, Marshal Tito, the Yugoslav leader arrived at Heathrow,
walked straight past Prime Minister Edward Heath,
who had his arm outstretched in welcome,
and shook hands, instead, with his baffled chauffeur.


James Watt, an oil company lawyer,
who Ronald Reagan sardonically appointed Secretary of the Interior
said he had formed an advisory group comprising
"a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple - and we have talent".
Anyone not insulted yet?

The undefeated chump, er,chimp, um, champ...yes champ
of course
needs little introduction.



The Former President G.W. Bush
"The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." -- Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

"And there is distrust in Washington.
I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town.
And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
--interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful,
and so are we.
They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we."
--Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
(Watch the clip)


Bush also said
"You can fool some of the people all the time,
and those are the ones you want to concentrate on."

"The problem with the French is
that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
(entrepreneur, is of course; a French word.)



HEY REPUBLICANS!
DON'T FORGET TO DONATE TO THE BUSH LIBRARY!

Dear Fellow Constituent: The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.

The Library will include:

1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.

3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.

4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.

5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.

6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)

11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.

12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.

13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

14. The Airport Men’s Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

The library will also include

many famous Quotes by

George W. Bush:

1. ‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.’

2. ‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.’

3. ‘Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.’

4. ‘No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.’

5. ‘I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.’

6. ‘One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.’

7. ‘Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.’

8. ‘I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.’

9. ‘The future will be better tomorrow.’

10. ‘We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world..’

11. ‘One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.’ (during an education photo-op)

12. ‘Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.’

13. ‘We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.’

PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely, Jack Abramoff: Co-Chair
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

"I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." --GWB at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C.







Though we are all mere buffoons passing through the sands of time,
some are nothing more, passing gas and wasting time.
Wouldn't recognize a glimpse of truth if it fell on them.
They are The Buffoons Extraordinaire.
The Elite Republican Guard of trumpery.
The laurel wreath of subnormal ignorance rests proudly on their swelled heads.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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State Mottos

Preface

New Hampshire's State Emblem
The writer Nathaniel Hawthorne used the Old Man Of The Mountains, a rock outcroppingthat resembled a human face when viewed from a particular angle, as inspiration for his short story "The Great Stone Face," published in 1850, in which he described the formation as "a work of Nature in her mood of majestic playfulness." The profile has been New Hampshire's state emblem since 1945. It was put on the state's license plate, state highway-route signs, and the back of New Hampshire's Statehood Quarter.

The Old Man Of the Mountain collapsed on May 3, 2003.
It no longer exists. New Hampshire residents discussed replacing it with plastic, but the idea was nixed. So now the state's official emblem, License Plates, Signs, Coinage, and various sundry promotions are false. They merely recall what once was, not what is. New Hampshire and indeed the entire U.S. should have seen the parallel between what happened to their symbol and was actually happening to their states and to their country. It was crumbling at the base. It was sure to collapse. And it did.

Of course many saw what was happening, they tried to take measures to prevent the erosion.
New Hampshire residents did what they could with cables and spikes, but alas the weathering, in the end was triumphant.

Many fought the erosion of American principles, it's prosperity, and foundations with whatever means were available as well. But alas; the Neocons, plutocrats, and corporatist theives; in the end, also triumphed.

All the King's Horses...
Can we reconstruct the noble aspects of what existed before the great looting? Maybe. I think there is a chance, and the new U.S. President is just the man to do it if it's possible. But let us not forget that many of those who created the erosion are still chipping away at the foundation from entrenched positions on capitol hill and K street even as rebuilding begins. They and their easily manipulated feeble minded supporters want the efforts to fail. They don't care much for the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, or even the very concepts of equality, truth, justice, and liberty.
Theirs is a cult of personality, and codifications.
Even now as they grandstand, pontificate, and obstruct - pretending the last 8 years did not even occur, they promote the same failed tired nonsense that ultimately results in the rich getting richer, taking that last sliver of the pie not already absconded.

The world they are working to achieve is a feudal one, with masters and servants, lords and serfs, an aristocracy above laws, and a peasantry under foot. So here we are, you and I...on the cusp of a new era, one that regardless of eventual outcome, demands we accept a degree of decline. That we pay the pipers for tunes our overlords heard. Pick up their tabs at establishments we never even entered.

Now it's a funny thing about that folks, for as long as I can recall the obstructionists moaned and snorted about "their" money going to social programs that improve conditions for human beings.
And sure enough today they are moaning about the stimulus bill, yet I heard not a single of their voices raised in opposition to a billion dollars a day wasted in Iraq. I heard no opposition to the doubling of the already massive national debt under G.W. Bush. Why not? Because it went in the pockets of their friends and relatives. It was for corporate welfare not the welfare of human beings. What a divine and lofty purpose to destroy a nation for! To plunder it's wealth. To undermine it's laws.

Well at any rate, we need to be able to laugh at ourselves. It is said to be the best medicine.
So here without further delay is a dose. Just as New Hampshire lost it's symbol.
We lost our savings. Our Dignity. Our minds.
Let's lose touch with reality for a few moments and examine...

U.S. State Mottos

Do you know the mottos of the various states? Here you go then!

Alabama: Like The Third World But Closer and YES! We Have Electricity!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Alaska: Oil and Rednecks and Meth Oh My! (COLD -But It's A Dry Cold) Nothing To Do But Get Drunk And Elect Wack Jobs For Entertainment

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everythings

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda!

Colorado: Live Ski or Die! Now 100%% John Denver Free.

Connecticut: Our Middle C Is Silent Ya' Casshole - Were Like Massachusetts without The Kennedy's

Delaware: Better Mutations Through Chemistry

Florida: We Are America's Wang! Ask Us About Our Incisions!

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, It's A Lie, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good (even if we elect senators who like to tap their toes in men's room stalls)

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Aren't Guam!

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States!

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: Cajuns Drunks and Alligators Sinking Into The Sea!

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: Gateway to Delaware!

Massachusetts: Home Of Young Girls From Nantucket...And Ted Kennedy...Hmmm, The Man is No Dummy!

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes- but it sure beats Alaska!

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Loves Company!

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Cows, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker! 3 to 1 You Leave Broke

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Like Mexico, But New!

New York: More Than A City; We're A State - And Not New Jersey!

North Carolina: Bigger Than South Carolina! And You Can Spit On Tennessee From Here!

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan And It's Easy To Spell

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cooking With Coal

Rhode Island: OK, We Lied About The Island thing... and Size Doesn't Matter!

South Carolina: Still Fighting The Civil War!

South Dakota: We're Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep, Gettin' Jiggy With New Hampshire Since 1791

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? And Don't Confuse Us With West Virginia!

Washington: Warmer Than Alaska And Full Of Slackers and Nerds!

Washington, D.C.: Just Like Nevada's Motto! Whores & Gambling! (3 to 1 you'll leave broke!)

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Sniff Our Dairy Air! We'll Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... And So Are The Women

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Your Urgent Help Needed - Paulson's Nigerian Approach To Economics

Assimilated Press, Washington D.C.- The FBI reported today they have located the source of the ubiquious scam e -mails being recieved over the last 4 months by most everyone in the world. Because of diplomatic immunity however no charges will be filed. Call the FBI at 1-800-T42-6669 if you have not recieved the following message in your inbox.


Your Urgent Help Needed

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Our Wall Street Thugs need your help, they may be forced to buy plain old plumbing instead of gold toilets if their 20 million dollar bonuses are not increased this year.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Bush's Farewell Photos- Very Revealing

"Pathos appeals to the audience's emotions. It is a part of Aristotle's philosophies in rhetoric. Not to be confused with 'bathos' (βάθος) which is an attempt to perform in a serious, dramatic fashion that fails and ends up becoming comedy.
Pathetic events in a plot are also not to be confused with tragic events. In a tragedy, the character brings about his or her own demise, whereas those invoking pathos often occur to innocent characters, invoking unmerited grief."
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathos)

These photos of the "leader of the free world"taken by Reuters head photo editor Jim Bourg are certainly revealing. These were snapped after the Bush farewell address. Do you suppose he was crying behind that door before walking in? Remorse? I doubt it. Realizing his entire presidecy was an abject failure? Perhaps. But Pictures are worth a thousand words so without further comment...
I'll let them speak for themselves.


Geez!

I imagine when he became president, for the first time in his life he felt he actually succeeded at something, and that people respected him. In the eyes of his daddy, for instance, (who always regarded him as a fool and a buffoon) this was his chance to show them, and boy, did he ever!!! Yet in conclusion, he realizes he beat out James Buchanan as the worst president in history, that he is more of a buffoon than those who knew him well even were willing to admit. This isn't remorse but disappointment that the very people whose pockets he attempted to line won't be back slapping him and giving him fat fluff jobs on their boards.

The thing is, to these sociopaths who put him in the white house, he WAS a success. It's just that he is such a pitiful moron, he thinks HE had something to do with it, though. He was in fact merely the "amiable" public face (yes, I know that's a stretch but compared to Cheney or Wolfowitz....) that allowed them to "redistribute" untold billions -actually trillions into their personal accounts and those of their friends. And now, these same sociopaths don't even attempt to bother pretending there is anything but a legacy of failure, sabotage, and looting.

I'll bet he doesn't get even one Xmas card from the bunch....

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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The Hall O' Big Bible Fun - ( Inadvertant as it may be)

Ok, I'm a skeptic about most things, and I look for rational and reasoned solutions to life's questions and problems. I make no claim about whether the universe has a creator or is, itself, a natural phenomenon. But that being said, I simply do not make the claim, so I suppose I'm a non believer.
I certainly am a non believer in any of the major "religions" which are all rather feeble attempts to explain the universe to cavemen and simpletons and are merely anachronisms in today's world.

That being said, there are plenty of good reasons to learn about the belief systems man invented over the years. One is that if NOT taken literally, there is meaningful stuff occasionally. And the humor is quite good...though likely unintentional. Many adherents to Christian fundamentalism, (the belief that the bible is literally true) only accept the King James version, so for the sake of avoiding linguistic faux pas, these pearls of wisdom are from that particular publication.

In The Old Testament

Genesis 2:18-20
Seeing Adam wandering alone in the Garden of Eden, God concludes that it is not good that he should be alone, and decides to make him a "help meet". "And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him." Oh Fiddlesticks

Adam does not find his "help meet" until God creates Eve from one of his ribs as he sleeps. Why it took God this long to get it right, however, is puzzling. Did he not realize that none of the animals were suitable wives for Adam? If the first man had pronounced one of them suitable, would the Almighty have presided over a solemn marriage ceremony between a human being and, say, a hippopotamus?

If God had not created the animals with the intent of finding Adam a wife, then why does the text bother to point out that none of them were suitable for that purpose? Perspiring minds want to know!

Genesis 6:5-7, 8:21
God decides to send a great flood to kill all humans, except for Noah and his family, because man's heart is evil. "And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.... And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth." Later, after the flood waters recede, God promises never to do it again because man's heart is evil. "And the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done."

Why should our "evil imaginations" first doom us and then save us? After all didn't the all powerful create them too? Is the all powerful a screw-up? Why does a perfect God change his mind about how to deal with mere mortals?

Exodus 17:11-12
Led by Moses and Joshua, the Israelites are battling the heathen Amalekites. As long as Moses holds up his hands, the Israelites are able to defeat their foes, but as soon as he gets tired and puts his hands down, they start to lose. Aaron and Hur hold up his arms for him until sundown so Israel can kick his butt.

Why should Moses should have to do this for Israel to win? If it is a test of his dedication then allowing Aaron and Hur to hold up his arms for him seems like cheating and wouldn't the all knowing big guy with the beard know he was cheating? Maybe God just decided to make his prophet do funny poses for his own entertainment. (" Hey! If you want Israel to win, hold up your arms! Now stand on one foot! Now do the Chicken Dance! You do the Hokey Pokey....after all that truly is "what it's all about!"). Maybe if GWB had done the watusi...

Exodus 33:23
"And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts"

God moons Moses!

Now that's funny!

Numbers 22:20-22
God tells Balaam that if men come to him and tell him to go with them, he should. Men come to Balaam. They tell him to go with them. He does. God gets mad at Balaam for going.

As strange as it seems, this is exactly what the text says. No justification is given as to why God should be angry at Balaam for doing exactly what God told him to do. Is the lesson to be learned not to listen to the Supernatural Comic Creator? Um, ...it's a ho ho holy mystery.

Deuteronomy 23:1
According to this verse, any man whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off "shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."

God judges us based our genitals? Really? Who would have guessed!

Press the Button Now!

Deuteronomy 23:10,14, Leviticus 15:19-30
God ( Or the guys that made this stuff up) seem obsessed with certain bodily fluids, these verses lay out his all-important instructions for dealing with menstruation, nocturnal emissions, and disposal of feces. We learn in Leviticus, a menstruating woman is "unclean" during her period, and must remain apart from the rest of her people for a minimum of seven days. Then, she must sacrifice two pigeons as a "sin offering", "to make an atonement... before the Lord for the issue of her uncleanness."

So God considers it a sin to have a period? Didn't he create women the way he wanted them to be? What's up with that?

Men who have nocturnal emissions get off more lightly, according to Deuteronomy 23:10. Apparently they're not as "unclean" as menstruating women, and don't have to sacrifice animals to God to be forgiven - they merely have to stay outside the camp for a day.

In verse 14, we have detailed instructions on how to dispose of feces. "Because the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp, to save you and to give up your enemies before you; therefore your camp must be holy, that he may not see anything indecent among you, and turn away from you".

Well it is "unholy" to relieve oneself, and the sight of human feces so repulses God that he will abandon anyone who does not dispose of it discreetly! Did God really need to tell these guys not to poop where they eat or walk? And will all gastro related Drs. be going to the place with the guy with the pitchfork?

Why did God create these bodily functions in the first place if he's so disgusted by them. Doesn't the infinite, almighty Creator of the universe have more important things to concern himself with? Why does his ego demand he be worshiped, not merely respected or loved? If I were god I wouldn't care whether you believed I existed or not, let alone demand you spend time saying how huge and wonderful I am. How your so impressed down here. What an egotist!

Judges 1:19
"And the Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."

Well if your choice is between having God on your side and having iron chariots, you should apparently take the chariots! So much for omnipotence. Apparently Jehovah is a member of one of those species of British and Scottish fairies who were repelled by cold iron or garlic. It'd be just like those little tricksters to masquerade as the all-powerful God of the Israelites!

Judges 6:36-40
Gideon offers the following test to see if he is to be the agent of Israel's salvation: he will leave a woolen fleece out on the ground overnight, and in the morning if it is wet with dew while all the surrounding earth is dry, he will know God's answer is yes. He duly does this, and finds the fleece wet and the ground dry in the morning, but isn't convinced. If you really mean it, he says, make the fleece miraculously dry and the ground miraculously wet. This happens.

Okay, far be it from me to question the wisdom of Gideon, but why couldn't he just ask for a yes-or-no answer? Throughout the Bible God speaks audibly to both believers and nonbelievers (as he did with Balaam, for example). Was that too hard for him to do in this instance, or does he just prefer doing inane parlor tricks?

Judges 9:13
"Wine cheereth God and man."

Okay, man I can see. But how does wine cheer God? Does the Almighty get drunk? Not that it wouldn't explain some things. But based on his evident low sense of humor displayed in other verses, maybe what amuses him more is watching other people get drunk and make fools of themselves.

1 Samuel 19:24
The Spirit of God comes upon Saul and causes him to start giving prophecies. Apparently getting just a little carried away, Saul takes off all his clothes, "prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night."

No mention is made of Samuel's reaction. I guess people just acted that way back then.

1 Samuel 30:1
After being completely killed off by Saul in 1 Samuel 15:7-8 and 15:33, and then being completely killed off again by David in 1 Samuel 27:8-11, the Amalekites invade Israel yet again!

Those Amalekites were resurected! God and Hollywood profit (prophet) from sequels.

2 Kings 21:12
"Therefore thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle."

In other verses, God has already threatened to punish or punished people with death, drowning, dragons, serpents, lions, bears, dogs, wild beasts, evil spirits, confusion, mutilation, cannibalism, rape, slavery, stoning, scourging, swords, axes, arrows, rods, fire, frost, blood, burning coals, brimstone, thunderbolts, storms, famine, drought, fever, plague, pestilence, inflammation, itching, leprosy, open sores, boils, hemorrhoids, hornets, locusts, frogs, lice, flies, worms, infanticide, infertility, miscarriages, madness, blindness, dismemberment, drunkenness, darkness, hail, earthquakes, and by spreading dung on their faces. By this verse he must have run out of ideas. ("And I'm gonna smite you so bad, that... that... um... whoever hears about it, their ears will tingle!")

(For all these punishments, here are the Bible references, in order: Acts 5:5-10, Genesis 7:20-22, Jeremiah 10:22, Numbers 21:6, 2 Kings 17:25, 2 Kings 2:24, 1 Kings 21:23, Leviticus 26:22, 1 Samuel 16:14, Genesis 11:9, Ezekiel 23:25 & 34, Ezekiel 5:10, Numbers 31:18, Deuteronomy 28:48, Numbers 15:35-36, Leviticus 19:20, Exodus 22:24, 2 Samuel 12:31, Deuteronomy 32:42, Psalms 2:9, Numbers 16:35, Psalms 78:47, Revelation 16:3, Psalms 140:10, Revelation 9:18, Psalms 78:48, Psalms 83:15, Jeremiah 24:10, Amos 4:7, Leviticus 26:16, Numbers 11:33, 1 Chronicles 21:14, Deuteronomy 28:22, Deuteronomy 28:27, Numbers 12:9-10, Revelation 16:2, Exodus 9:9-11, 1 Samuel 5:6, Exodus 23:28, Exodus 10:12-14, Exodus 8:2-6, Exodus 8:16-17, Exodus 8:21-24, Deuteronomy 28:39, Exodus 12:29-30, Genesis 20:18, Hosea 9:14, Zechariah 12:4, Acts 13:11, Psalms 58:7, Jeremiah 13:13, Exodus 10:22, Exodus 9:23-25, Revelation 11:13, and Malachi 2:3.)

Psalms 78:66
"And he smote his enemies in the hinder parts: he put them to a perpetual reproach."

God kicks some ass!

Isaiah 20:2-3
God instructs Isaiah to take off all his clothes and wander around completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder."

Yeah people must have wondered, all right. You might chalk this up to another example of God making his prophets do ridiculous things for his own amusement, but Isaiah shows in many places that his own hold on reality is tenuous. He writes that God will "hiss for the fly... and for the bee" (7:18), will force every man to "eat the flesh of his own arm" (9:20 - Bon Appetitte!), and will send a perverse spirit that will cause the Egyptians to err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit" (19:14 - Yellowbeard comes to mind!). He orders women to strip (32:11), and says that God will punish them by "discovering their secret parts" (3:17). He says that God "will feed them that oppress me with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine" (49:26 - yum!); either that, or they'll "eat their own dung, and drink their own urine" (36:12). So either God was having a much weirder daythan Hunter S. Thompson ever had, or else Isaiah was one of the many Biblical figures who could have benefited from modern psychological medication.

Ezekiel 2:9,3:1-3
God writes a scroll in front of Ezekiel's eyes, and then instructs him, "Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll.... cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee." Ezekiel complies, and finds it to be sweet as honey.

Doubtless this is all very symbolic, mystical, and informative in some way or another.

Ezekiel 13:18-20
"Thus saith the Lord God, Woe to the women that sew pillows.... Behold, I am against your pillows."

A true classic! But God's wrath doesn't end with pillows, oh no. In 13:21 he further promises to spill out his anger on kerchiefs ("Your kerchiefs also will I tear"), and just a few verses earlier, in 13:15, he swears terrible vengeance against a wall. ("Thus will I accomplish my wrath upon the wall.") What God has against innocent masonry and embroidery is not explained. Nor is anything else of consequence.

(Then again, maybe Ezekiel's to blame; this guy is plainly a few locusts short of a plague. In chapter 1 he sees some four-headed, four-winged creatures that Dr. Moreau could never have dreamed of, as well as God's "loins." In 4:12 he says that God told him to eat barley cakes baked with "dung that cometh out of man"; not too tasty, but better than fathers eating their sons and sons eating their fathers, which we are told will happen in 5:10. In chapter 4 he is told to lie on his left side for 390 days, then to lie on his right side for 40 days, without turning over. No doubt this is all very symbolic, but I don't think the sinful Israelites were too impressed by their prophets rolling in the mud. In 8:2-3, God's loins put in another appearance, and in 29:8 he makes all the Egyptians' "loins to be at a stand." In chapter 23 Ezekiel rants - at great length - about two women who, as punishment for committing adultery with men "whose issue is like the issue of horses", will have their houses burned down, their sons and daughters killed with swords, their noses and ears cut off, will be forced to "pluck off" their own breasts, and will finally be stoned to death. Praise the Lord! And in 10:12 he mentions wheeled cherubim, whose wheels were covered with eyes. "As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel." Clearly Ezekiel, like Isaiah, is another of those prophets who couldn't poke sanity with a long pole.)

Hosea 8:4
The Israelites set up princes, and "I knew it not," complains God.

So much for omniscience eh?.

Jonah 1:3
Jonah is instructed by God to go preach to Nineveh. But he apparently prefers not to do this, and so he runs away. "But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord."

So much for omnipresence too.If you don't want to listen to the God...simply run away, run away!

This is but a small sampling of Biblical humor. I don't understand how anyone could possibly believe this is literally true, but then again I didn't believe there were enough fools to re-elect Bush, or not understand that importing all your manufacturing and outsourcing all your jobs would lead to a collapsed economy. To each his own, and rememeber:

"There are no sects in geometry."
(Voltaire)

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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