Profiles Of The GOP Candidates- Part One- MITT ROMNEY

It has been said by the punditry that Mitt Romney is the 'man to beat' in the race to become the Republican nomination for President in the 2012 election. We here at National Buffoon agree he definitely needs a good beating or at least a spanking. Mitt Romney is often accused of 'flip-flopping', but our investigative reporters could find no evidence to support this claim. Every photo uncovered showed him wearing shoes, and never any kind of sandals, let alone a pair of flip flops.

Mitt Romey is a sinister cult member, Moron, Mormon from Michigan. In fact he used to be a Mormon Missionary, so he is well used to poking his nose into other people's business and telling them what to do, which is why he wants to be President.

Mitt explains why the federal government must intervene in the personal lives of citizens and why they must not.

  Romney inherited a ton of dough, and keeps much of it in offshore accounts

to avoid the meager 15% tax he'd have to pay if he kept it

in legitimate accounts here in the U.S.A.
As a vulture capitalist he has a long history of raiding companies using borrowed money, dumping the debt incurred from the purchase on the company purchased, firing a bunch of workers and replacing them with cheap sweatshops in exotic locales, and then re-badging the business and dumping it on some schmucks for a tidy profit...or just bankrupting it and pocketing scores of millions of greenbacks in the process.

Mitt is hoping the fact that he is a descendant of Mormons who moved to Mexico from the U.S. in the late 1800s to avoid the laws against polygamy will score him some big time Latino voters
. His grandfather and father were born in the northern state of Chihuahua after all.
(I hope he has his official birth certificate...with a seal...no, a walrus just won't do).
His father came to the U.S. with his parents at age five. 

“I am NOT GONNA aoplogize for ESTEALING YOUR DINERO LEGALLY! Ajua!

  Addressing complaints from  voters that his new Spanish-language Nosotros TV commercial was Greek to them, Gov. Mitt Romney’s campaign today released a subtitled version of the ad, available here for the first time in this National Buffoon exclusive video. 

Romney recently called a press conference to address growing concerns regarding rumors circulating that his undergarments possess some type of magical properties. The 64-year old former Massachusetts Governor was adamant that his underwear was just as normal as anyone else's.

“Look, Mormons catch a lot of flack for their underwear, but my underpants are just as normal as anyone else's,” explained Romney. “People joke that Mormons wear `magic' underwear, but that's just nonsense.

 Our underpants represent our faith, and remind us that we need to stay pure. Every single time we see our underpants on us, it's like God is saying `dude, I know you're all alone, and you thought Jim's third wife was pretty risque showing off those ankles of hers, but look at your underwear!'
It's like a chastity belt you see, but without all the chaffing.”

Romney responded harshly to a question from the audience from a journalist asking how the underwear could stop someone from playing with themselves. “Look, it's all a part of the Mormon faith, okay? The underwear is just a last line of defense. When I pee, I use my special salad tongs to handle the equipment. When I'm showering, I need to use a special sponge-ladle with needles sticking out of it, to make sure I get no pleasure from washing . It's all a small price to pay for being so in-touch with God the Father who is now on a planet near the star Kolob with his wives ...without any touching though, obviously.”

When a National Buffoon White House correspondent asked Romney where the myth about Mormon underwear's magical capabilities comes from, Romney shoved both hands into his pants, pulling his underwear off without so much as lifting a leg. “That's where. We Mormons can do that. It's something you learn at Brigham Young. Whenever people see that, they think it's magic, but really, it's just being limber from all the years of sexual repression we have to endure .”

A few moments later, Romney moved the underwear slightly, and a rabbit fell out of them, followed briefly by a dove flying out of them into the air. “I don't know how that happened! Our underwear isn't magic, I swear! Well, I don't swear to God, that would be a sin. ..but yeah, I promise these underpants aren't magical!”

           

In a related story, GOP Presidential candidate and former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman also made underwear-related headlines today when, according to numerous eyewitnesses, Huntsman used his Mormon underwear to save a child that had fallen into a well in Eastern Iowa. Witness accounts cite that Huntsman, after removing his underwear in a fashion similar to that of Romney, pulled a long series of handkerchiefs from the supposedly non-magical underwear, using them as a rope to rescue the young child. The boy was reportedly thankful that Huntsman had rescued him, but was also “creeped out” that Huntsman opted to use his underwear for the rescue, rather than the large pile of rope that had been sitting next to the old well.

The Dangers of Solar Energy

By National Buffoon Science Editor I. M. Akook

Many progressive groups and individuals are proposing that government spend hard earned tax money on research and development of systems to utilize solar energy. They are urging construction of vast solar energy collectors to convert dangerous solar radiation into electricity to supply our energy needs. They would even put solar collectors on roofs of homes, factories, schools, and other buildings. Proponents of this technology claim that energy obtained from the sun will be safer and cleaner than coal, oil, or nuclear energy sources.

We view these proposals with alarm. Unscrupulous scientists and greedy promoters are hoodwinking the gullible public. We consider it rash and dangerous to commit our country to the use of solar energy. This solar technology has never been utilized on such a large scale, and there is no assurance of its long-range safety. Not one single study has been done to assess the safety of electricity from solar energy as compared to electricity from other sources! Not one!

The promoters of solar energy would have you believe that it is perfectly safe. Yet they conveniently neglect to mention that solar energy is generated by nuclear fusion! This process operates on the very same basic laws of nuclear physics used in nuclear power plants and atomic bombs!
And what is the source of this energy? It is hydrogen, a highly explosive gas (remember the Hindenberg?) Hydrogen is also the active material in H-bombs, that are not only tremendously destructive, but produce dangerous fallout! The glib advocates of solar energy don't even mention these disturbing facts about the true sources of solar energy. What else are they hiding from us?

In addition to the known dangers cited above, what about the unknown dangers, that very well might be worse? When pressed, scientists will admit that they do not fully understand the workings of the sun, or even of the atom. They will even grudgingly admit that our knowledge of the basic laws of physics is not yet perfect or complete. Yet these same reckless scientists would have us use this solar technology even before we fully understand how it works.

The evidence is already clear that too much exposure to sunlight can cause skin cancer. But solar collectors would concentrate that sunlight (that otherwise would have fallen harmlessly on waste land), convert it to electricity and pipe it into our homes to irradiate us from every light bulb! We would then not even be safe from this cancer-producing energy even in our own homes!
We all know that looking at the sun for even a few seconds can cause blindness. What long term health hazards might result from reading by light derived from solar energy? We now spend large amounts of time looking at the light from television monitors or computer screens, and one can only imagine the possible long-term consequences of this exposure when the screens are powered with electricity from solar collectors. Will we develop cataracts, or slowly go blind? Not one medical study has yet addressed itself to this question, and none are planned.
In their blind zeal to plug us in to solar energy, scientists seem to totally ignore possible fire hazards of solar energy. Sunlight reaching us directly from the sun at naturally safe levels poses little fire threat. But all one has to do is concentrate sunlight, with a simple burning- glass, and it readily ignites combustible materials. Who would feel safe with solar energy concentrators on their roof? Could we afford the fire insurance rates?
These scientists, and the big corporations that employ them, stand to profit greatly from construction of solar-power stations. No wonder they try to hide the dangers of the technology and suppress any open discussion of them.
 

Tokyo Knows All Too Well The Dangers Of Radiation

Proponents of solar energy present facts, figures and graphs to support their claim that energy from the sun will be less expensive, as conventional fuel supplies dwindle and technology of solar energy systems improve. But even if this is so, what will stop the solar energy equipment manufacturers and solar power companies from raising prices when they achieve a monopoly and other fuel sources disappear?
  We might be willing to tolerate some small risk—if solar energy really represented a permanent solution to our energy problems. But that is not the case. At best, solar energy is only a temporary band-aid. Recent calculations indicate that the Sun will go out in a billion years as its fuel runs out.  Wouldn't it be better to put our human resources and scientific brains to work to find a safer and more permanent solution to our energy needs?

Solar radiation may cause the human species to mutate!

The GOP Loony Bin

Apparently no sane person would want to be President of the U.S.A.

You have to feel sorry for Americans, first all their jobs were shipped out to unregulated sweatshops in countries where labor and life are dirt cheap. Then the corporate cartels and Wall Street Banksters who benefited from the job heist, speculated in the real estate market causing a bubble that collapsed the values of the one thing middle class families had equity in...their homes. As if that wasn't enough, just to add insult to injury the same white collar thugs who robbed the nation blind demanded reimbursement from the very people they robbed to replace the capital they lost betting against America, playing "time bomb" with worthless "instruments" they concocted, running Ponzi Schemes, and "price-fixing" markets. Now to add salt to the wounds of voters; already despondent, dismayed, beaten down, and battered from mismanagement and plain old idiocy from their government representatives, they have been forced to endure 2 zillion debates and endless jaw flapping from the GOP B Team. That's right, you heard right, even though the economy is in shambles which means the sitting president historically is toast, the best and brightest of the opposition are making like ostriches and burying their heads under ground. No one with half a brain is remotely interested in presiding over what is being done to America right now. ENTER THE "B" TEAM...a bunch of loser misfits unable to form coherent sentences, let alone a policy that might be helpful, or at least not harmful.  

Yes, it's the B team....unlike the TV show or Movie of a similar name, this ragtag collection of ne'r-do-wells don't help anyone but themselves, are not mindlessly entertaining to anyone but the Koch Brothers & Rupert Murdoch, always are fighting for injustice, and don't even know how to operate a van.

 Taking a cue from the B team, other candidates have stuck with Hollywood themes as well to sell themselves to the extremists er uh, I mean voters.

The Shining

In Gastrointestinal Productions release called

"Lustin' Power- Man of Misogyny", Candidate Newt Gingrich plays" Dr. Evil"
to mixed reviews.

  

Meanwhile back in Michele's Bat Cave sometimes called the house of representatives,
Bat Boy Cantor swings into action delivering blow after blow to those criminals who had the unmitigated audacity not to be billionaires. "These bastards have had it far too easy" he said while using a tree saw to slit the throat of a senior citizen applying for Medicare.

Earlier the fellow who bought all the leftover QT instant tanning cream on E - Bay
Starred in his own production of "Much Ado About Nothing".
The critics were brutal, calling it the worst performance ever.

After Failing at the box office with his first effort as Dr. Evil, 

Newt began trying to con people into buying used junker ideas.

Yeah, it was only used once by an old lady in Pasadena.

Newt supports eliminating child labor laws so those damned moocher children can be used as indentured slaves. Again he got the idea from watching a movie...."Oliver Twist".

Yeah! Put dem little bastards to work!  The bums!

Movie goers have seen this plot before. The original release was foul enough.
But a sequel? No way.

 But the big "surprise" box office thrust was from Rick Santorum
who starred in a double feature that swept Iowa off it's feet
when he came from behind with these 2 double features.
His crappy remake called
Ricky & The Chocolate Factory...

 And his stunning role in his own cheap remake of  Tarantino's film
"Insidious Bastards"

 (In this version, there is a plot to throw Hitler a birthday party).

 

 

After poor ticket sales the Bachmann Show closed and she went home.

 

The Perry Show was continued for some reason however.
Probably because the Koch Brothers who produce the show

have nothing better to do with their money.

When the theater rain has been used up, and the stagehands have all gone home,

the box office bombs will have become mere bad memories of a stench,
it will be Mitt Romney making the curtain call....not that his act is good mind you.
It is not.
However he is the only production out there capable of delivering his lines.
He can put a few words together to form a sentence.
All the other "stars" will be in rehab.
At the end of the day there is no other GOP choice.

But there is one other possible outcome.

The GOP may be forced to run the only candidates they seem to have who would appeal to voters in a general election. You know, the ones who realize an erection is not "personal growth".
In early polling, The Kraken-Cthulhu team actually pulls nearly 50% of both Republicans & Democrats!

GOP
This is your best chance of winning.
Run these guys and you may just take the White House.
Of course they will eat you.
But winning is all that really matters.

 

Happy New Year!- Traditions

New Year’s is just hours away, so it’s time ask yourself the question: What are you going to do? Yes you! What are YOU to do? Around the world there are many traditions, here is a history and  some of the more interesting variations on New Year’s Eve celebrations. Mix and match! Do what you like!

Changing your underwear at midnight is a tradition in many countries.
Red if your hoping for love, yellow for money.

In 1907 Adolph Ochs, who was the publisher of The New York Times, requested the paper’s chief electrician built a 700-pound ball out of wood and iron. He fitted it with 100 25-watt light bulbs, and it was lowered from a flagpole atop One Times Square as midnight hit. Everyone was delighted...of course everyone who saw it had a good buzz on and would be delighted by most anything.

In 1920, the ball was upgraded to a 400-pound model made of wrought iron. The ball-dropping ceremony in Times Square continued uninterrupted until 1942 when there was no event due to the World War II-era “dim-out” of the New York City skyline. This lasted 2 years. The Ball returned in 1944.

 The iron ball was upgraded again in 1955. This time it was one made from aluminum, which weighed only 200 pounds. The same aluminum ball with different sorts of lighting configurations were dropped until 1998.

The ball made the first of what would become a plethora of changes over the next decade. The 2000 ball was built by Waterford Crystal, it had a six-foot diameter and weighed 1,070 pounds. And the spectacle has continued to increase—the 2009 version of the ball had a 12-foot diameter and weighed more than 11,000 pounds! Despite the weight, the many lights on the ball had become dynamic and computer controlled. No longer was the ball a beacon; now it was a light show. The combination of tradition and technology ushered the Times Square ball into the second decade of this century. An improvement I would suggest would be to drop it on Rupert Murdoch's head. But that may be asking too much.

IF you were born and raised in the US, you might think that fireworks and dropping glass spheres is normal. But you’re merely used to it. Here are some of the traditions for the holiday from other spots:

  In Sao Paulo, Brazil’s largest city, New Year’s Eve is all about lucky underpants. People go for red if they’re looking for love and yellow if they’re after some extra cash.

  To celebrate the New Year in Finland people cast molten tin into containers of water and, when the tin hardens, take its perceived shape as an indicator of how the coming year will go. For instance, a heart or ring shape signifies a wedding, and a pig shape (which is a very specific shape to glean from hardened tin, but we digress) stands for lots of food.

Panamanians burn effigies of public figures, called munecos. The idea is the effigies stand for the old year; destroying them leads the way into the new one. We could have some fun with that here. Imagine disfiguring  a model of, say, a Yankees pitcher, and then dancing around it, celebrating.
 

· In Belarus unmarried women participate in a game in which piles of corn are placed in front of each one. A rooster is released, and whichever girl’s corn pile it goes to first will be the first to marry in the coming year.  (the entire population of Brazil is looking down at its red underpants and heaving a great sigh of relief).

Spaniards eat 12 grapes as midnight approaches to ensure prosperity over the next 12 months.

Many Danish leap off chairs at midnight, hoping to ban all bad spirits in the new year. They also break dishes. People throw their old dishes on their friends’ doors on New Years and the one with the most dishes outside their door, er...uh,,, has the most friends.

Germans and Austrians similar to Finland,  pour lead as a tradition, this includes using molten lead like tea leaves. The lead pieces are poured into a bowl filled with water, when it hardens, the forms predict what is going to happen in the new year. If the lead forms a ball it means good luck, if it looks like an anchor it means you will need help, and if it’s a cross it means death.

In Ecuador, the New Years fiesta includes all the locals gathering together with pictures that represent something you do not want in the new year from the last year and burning it. This strikes me as a great idea!

In the city of Talca, Chili, people all go visit the graveyard, set up their chairs and wait for the year to arrive with the dead. (I think I'll pass on this one, though I do appreciate the concept...I'll honor the dead some other night thanks).

Mistletoe leaves are placed under a pillow to get a mate in Ireland.

 

 

New Year eve is considered the best time to communicate with the dead spirits in Mexico.
In the Philippines, the wearing of polka dots and eating round things is the norm.

One very strange tradition since 1972 every single year, on midnight Germans watch the British show “Dinner for One.” The origin of the tradition is unknown, but it is so popular that even the punch line “same procedure every year” now is a catch phrase in Germany.

Well no matter how bad you think you may have had it this year, 

chances are good you can be thankful your not this guy!

 HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

 

2011 - THE YEAR IN REVIEW - Part 2

Herman Cain Non-Victims Come Forward

Sure, bizarre presidential hopeful  Herman Cain was dogged by allegations of sexual harassment, but this year he urged Santa, and the American public, to think of all the ladies that he hasn't molested. Some of the millions of women Cain definitely didn't harass have bravely come forward. As they point out, he made inappropriate advances toward only about 90 women, That's only 0.000000214 percent of the world's entire female population.  Cain claimed he's shown impressive restraint.

Republican Presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney drew criticism today when, at a campaign stop in Iowa, he implied that not only are corporations people, they are actually super humans. Speaking at a luncheon sponsored by "Iowans for Any White Guy or Even Bachmann as Long as She Promises Not to Do Anything Once Elected"  (Results of a recent National Buffoon poll indicate that 98% of Americans blame corporate greed for the the nation’s high unemployment, the collapse of the housing market and that third Transformers movie.) Romney said “Compared to corporations, my friend, regular people suck. Corporations do the big things like support my candidacy, avoid paying taxes, rape the environment and, let’s be fair, a corporation was responsible for the first two Transformers movies. Corporations are what made America big.”

Asked if his rosy view of corporations might hurt him in the general election, Romney fell back on talking points that have been part of his stump speech for months. “I can’t worry about what the American people think. The only opinions that matter to me are my own, whatever they are, and those of corporate Americans, like Mr. Exxon and Mr. and Mrs. Dow Chemical. They’re the everyday, hard working, corporate jet flying real heroes who are going to get me elected, not some unemployed steel worker who isn’t worth billions.”

OCCUPY MAINSTREET

Bankers from across Wall Street stormed out of their jobs before flying in private jets across the country to San Francisco and other cities where they declared that they were protesting the anti-corporate agenda of liberal America. The bankers, who represent every major financial institution on Wall Street, demanded more government bailouts and larger bonuses. Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase said "If you people would just reduce my taxes, maybe we would be out of the recession already. How the hell am I supposed to live on $21 million a year?"

The protests began in earnest after traders at Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley discovered that their bonuses would not be increased this year.  "We have put up with the liberal agenda long enough," thundered Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein over a bullhorn to admiring bankers. "Wall Street can't afford four more years of Obama." "Doesn't the President know that we are job creators?" asked Moynihan rhetorically. "I mean, not me personally...I just fired 130,000 people, but people who look like me."

With signs of "Profits Over People" and "Support Corporate Greed," the bankers defiantly asserted that they would continue the protest and remain on the streets until their demands were met. Immediately afterwards, the bankers adjourned to the Four Seasons Hotel for a five-course meal. Numerous Wall Street firms reserved several floors of the luxury hotel for their bankers to rest after a long day of protesting. Although the bankers had taken the night off, they made clear that the protest was still ongoing. "The residents of San Francisco and other cities better not get too comfortable," said Moynihan after finishing a dessert of creme brulee. "We have hired thousands of stand-ins for tomorrow's protest and private armies to protect them."

Gingrich Shows Up At Black Caucus

Horny & Drunk

Republicans’ efforts to bridge the gap between their party and minority voters (who overwhelmingly support Democrats) suffered a major setback yesterday after Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told a gathering of the Black Congressional Caucus, “African Americans will always be part of the fabric of American exceptionalism, but for my money, Asian hookers are the hottest and I brought a couple with me.”
Gingrich showed up unannounced at the Caucus’ weekly breakfast gathering because, “When I heard you were serving a crab omelet with parmesan cheese and bacon bits, I realized I care about the issues African Americans face in these tough economic times. Pass the ketchup boy.” After taking advantage of the breakfast buffet, Gingrich spilled milk on himself, burped, and gave an impromptu speech in which he called for “an America where everybody has a chance to succeed especially hot Asian Americans.” Gingrich’s remarks were not well received among members of the party leadership who have been pushing for a more big tent approach leading into the 2012 elections. Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus, called Gingrich to remind him that the GOP would prefer to keep its hatred of minorities a secret until after the elections. Priebus chastised Gingrich for “raising the issue of race in America when we’re still trying to figure out how to keep those people from voting.” Gingrich responded by releasing an amateur video that he says is proof he loves minorities.

Congress’ opinion of Americans
is at an all time low

According to a poll conducted by National Buffoon,  Congress’ approval rating of the American people at a paltry -3% - exactly the same rating that Americans gave Congress.
Congressmen and women gave several reasons for their low opinions of Americans. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said he hates Americans “because they’re idiots if they think I’m going to do what’s right for the country when I came here to make a difference in the lives of people who really matter, ...me.”
Turtlehead Mitch McConnell said  “We should just throw all those bums out and get some new Americans in there who will elect a Congress that will put the interests of my Fossil Fuel Industry sponsors  ahead of the interests of that other, crappier batch of Americans whom we should just throw the hell out".
"Bums, I tell you!”
 Emotionally unstable orange man John Boehner expressed his disgust with the American people by disagreeing with Nancy Pelosi . “Whatever Pelosi said, I’m against it! Now, regarding my opinion of the American people, They suck, and Pelosi sucks!” ,
Nancy Pelosi, was one of the few who thinks the American people are doing a reasonable job. “Let’s be fair. Americans aren’t the brightest bunch ever to come down the pike, but they do have one thing going for them. They hate Congress, so they can't be all that bad”

 

Santorum Is Now Dick
Rick Santorum announced from his rubber room campaign headquarters that he is now officially a "Dick".
"I am tired of the whole google thing, so I changed my name, so that when people think of me, they’ll think of  Dick rather than that frothy mix stuff. When they see him debate next time, they’ll be all ‘Dick sure is taking a beating!’ or ‘Wow, that Dick has balls!’ or ‘Holy Crap! Did Bachmann just cut off Dick?!’ Anyway, the name suits me as most people tell me "you've always been  a total Dick.”
Santorum told National Buffoon “Look, I’m just glad to finally put that disgusting ‘Google Santorum’ stuff behind me. Oh, crap, what the hell am I saying? What I mean is this has been a huge pain in my ass.",

Perry Announced His 666 Plan
Texas Governor and GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Perry revealed  his new economic plan. He called it “Rick Perry's Yee-Haw Awesome 666 plan,” seems to have been directly influenced by Herman Cain's controversial “999” plan, though altered to accommodate Perry's personal flair. “This 666 plan will fix up your economy faster an' a Texas Governor can threaten to secede from the United States while throwing a hissy-fit about healthcare” said Perry during a press conference. “And it ain't nothin' like that Herman Cain guy's 999 plan. This one was made up by a white guy!  Perry's plan uses the same principal as Herman Cain's plan, but with a few twists. He's calling for a 6% flat income tax rate across the board, a 6% federal sales tax (similar to the “VAT” consumption tax in the United Kingdom), and to top it all off, he'd like to execute 6% of the population of the United States.

Congress Launches War on the "99 Percenters", Claims Poor Have WMD

The United States military launched a massive ground invasion of poor and middle class communities throughout New York City early this morning after Congress authorized the use of class warfare against the "99 Percenters," a decentralized military organization that has occupied strategic outposts in several major cities over the past month. "We can no longer sit idly by while these economic terrorists continue to occupy our country," screamed House Speaker John Boehner in a special joint session of Congress to discuss the war resolution. "Indeed, we have overwhelming evidence that suggests this mysterious organization has employed a variety of weapons of mass destruction with the expressed intent of destroying this nation." Susan Rice, the current U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, was directed to garner international support for the operation by supplying evidence that the "99 Percenters" were procuring financial WMDs. During the presentation to the U.N. Security Council, Rice displayed numerous photos of poor people using food stamps, accepting unemployment benefits and paying for medical care with Medicaid. "Clearly, these photos conclusively prove the desire of the '99 Percenters' to bring pinko John Lennonism to our nation said Rice to the audience at the United Nations. Despite the presentation, many countries were skeptical of the claims.  Some, including Michel Martelly, the President of Haiti, said the United States should end all hostilities immediately and begin negotiated peace settlements. "Poor people should never be treated this way," said Martelly.  Boehner, however, remained defiant on the righteousness of the cause, countering, "what does Haiti know about poor people, anyway?" The military is officially calling the attack a counter-offensive operation designed to relieve pressure on besieged economic infrastructure that might be offended if they saw some protesters or worse yet an actual poor person.. Major Wall Street buildings have been surrounded by the enemy forces for weeks, and supply lines of caviar have been completely cut off. Senior Republican staffers on Capitol Hill argued that if the siege was not lifted soon, all of southern Manhattan could fall. NBC News's chief foreign correspondent Richard Engle reported from inside the headquarters of Citigroup earlier this week that their supplies of Fois Gras and  Dom Perignon were running dangerously low. If supply lines could not be reopened by the end of the week, they would be forced to resort to filet mignon and Jack Daniels for sustenance. "Things are bleak inside the siege zone," said Engle during an interview. "Morale has been running low even since Citigroup announced their third quarter earnings. They only made $3.8 billion in profit. I've never seen it this bad before." It's of great concern  House Majority Leader Eric Cantor made it clear that the United States would not negotiate with terrorists and would not stop until the war was won. "We've been fighting this war successfully for 30 long years, and this is their last desperate attempt to change the tide of the battle," said Cantor. "But God as my witness, we will not stop until all  taxes are eliminated on every wealthy Wall Street Investment Banker." 

GOP  Elementary School Debate 

Ends in One Gold Star, Dozens of Frowny-Faces

 The GOP presidential rivals met up at a Des Moines, Iowa elementary school for another of the 1,294 presidential debates scheduled to take place prior to primary voting. Sat at school desks before a panel of grade school teachers, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and 67 other GOP candidates hoping to sell their books garnering all the free publicity compared their regressive tax plans, their hatred for President Obama, and their broad level of understanding of American history and contemporary foreign policy. Here are some of the highlight answers from the debate.

For the question “Who was the first President of the United States,” Mitt Romney was the only candidate to answer correctly, saying “George Washington” after a lengthy pause. Most of the other candidates, however, answered with Ronald Reagan, with the exception of Herman Cain, who was too busy hitting on one of the cafeteria workers.  When asked to point at Iran on a map of the Middle East, Rick Perry was the only candidate to answer correctly, after having closed his eyes, loudly sang the theme song to “Rawhide,” spun in a circle four times, and stuck his finger down blindly on the map. Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann answered that she wasn't quite sure where Iran was, but that she was sure President Obama was born there. Santorum yelled "There are no gays in Iran! I know that."

Immediately following the Iran question, the candidates were shown an image of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and were asked to identify him. Rick Perry asked if he “was that dude in Die Hard, Hans Gruber.” Michele Bachmann yelled “gesundheit!” and began explaining her plans to build not one, not two, but eight electrified fences between the United States and Mexico, with a mile-wide moat running the full length of the border, which would be filled with battery acid, and other liquids that are essentially the same thing. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney  suggested Ahmadinejad looked a little like Rick Perry. Then the candidates were asked to bob for a dollar in a 350 degree deep fat fryer which all unfortunately survived.  In the end, Mitt Romney won a gold star for his correctly answering “George Washington” early on in the debate, and six smiley faces for various other answers, making him last evening's clear debate winner. Herman Cain meanwhile had earned four smiley faces, but no gold stars, for all the times he responded to questions by grinning creepily in slow motion. Rick Perry and the others, vowed to no longer participate in debates after a series of shoddy performances, came in tied for third place, with one smiley face for managing to respond to many of the debate questions without once pooping their pants. 

America Abandons Space Program, Expects McDonalds To Take Over
The US government is literally handing over most everything to a handful of corporate entities.
Haliburton will take over the Dept. Of Energy.
Exxon will now own the Dept. Of The Interior.
AT&T will own the FCC.
Rupert Murdoch will own the Dept. Of Education.
The Government itself will be a minor division of Goldman Sachs.
Other Important Events Of 2011
Britain Went Broke Throwing A Wedding Party
Japan was nearly destroyed by a big wave...
Japan was destroyed by a nuclear accident

Libyans overthrew and killed Muammar Qaddafi 

(though not for being a brutal dictator, rather; for having an unforgivably bad sense of fashion.)