Pseudo Science Claims New Element

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President Bush Signs

New Element Into Natural Law

Republican fair and balanced ® pseudo-scientists funded by
the fossil fuel & weapons industries
have announced a new atomic element,
taking advantage of a neo-con decree which states that
"all ideas conceived by two or more
rightwing extremists while duck hunting shall become law".

With the stroke of his executive decider pen,
president Bush created the first faith-based atomic element.

"Dickheadium exists," Bush stated with pleasure.
The new element, dickheadium,
is the heaviest of elements with an atomic weight of 666.
All of its subatomic particles are protons, which spin to the right
along an axis of evil, regardless of the relative viewpoint.
Even in minute quantities, dickheadium is lethal to all humans
who posses a measurable I.Q.
Dickheadium is an elixir for some generals,
supreme court justices, and presidents,
while, at the same time, is toxic to everyone
with an intact cerebral cortex.

Dickheadium is the only element to display kleptocratic tendencies-
-when let loose in the wild it relentlessly neutralizes
public funding for education, health care and social security.

Dickheadium 666 is radioactive, with a half-life equivalent to two terms of office.
It decays to neocondium 444
while throwing off deadly bursts of bigotrinos and fart gas.

Though data is still limited, bigotrinos are believed to damage
the speech centers of humans
turning some concepts upside-down.
For example,
an afflicted person may use "liberation" in place of "oppression"
and "defend" in place of "attack".
It has been shown that those unfortunate enough
to be exposed to afflicted hosts
often suffer mind numbing headaches and paralysis.

Everything Is Hazardous To Your Health

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It's a dangerous world we live in.
Every day top doctors release startling new reports about stuff that can kill us.

Breathing causes heart murmurs, respiratory failure, & jock itch. Milk will give you gallstones, cerebral hemorrhages and frostbite.
The threat of bird flu is omnipresent. Walking a mile a day causes Mumps & Cancer. Breakfast gives you lupus. Sleeping causes vertigo.
listening to all this crap causes the painful itch and swelling of bipolar encephalitis.
Why, the poor Surgeon General is working overtime to warn us about the astonishing array of substances that may be "hazardous to your health."
Just today, he issued a report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine expanding the list of things that may cause cancer to include:


-- Asbestos Waffles
-- raw chinchilla meat balls
-- Bubonic Margarine
-- malignant cancer cell jelly
-- genetically engineered sushi
-- Marlboro brand cancer bread sticks
-- white chocolate Eminems
-- 3 mile island dressing
-- Haliburton brand "yellow cake" mix
-- Lawyers on T.V.
-- Soylent green chile
-- Wart off salad
-- water

Fortunately, we are also bombarded with news about medical breakthroughs guaranteed to help us
avoid the discomfort and inconvenience of premature death.
For example, National Buffoon's team of medical specialists has just learned that
people who consume 5,000 milligrams of crack each day are 32 percent less likely to suffer from rickets,
gangrene, or curvature of the liver. Possible side effects are death .
But if Pfizer or Squibb are on board you know FDA approval is just around the corner.

A Top Doctor

What If Fox News Were On The Air In The Past?

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National Buffoon asks what if Rupert Murdoch were able to make a time machine out of an abandoned Bob's Big Boy restaurant? If the news network had been on the air in the past,
how might these giants of the broadcasting industry handled these top stories?
Let's have a look shall we?


The Titanic

The Invasion Of Troy

This just in, we've learned the Greeks are in fact
hiding inside the horse, and will be attempting to
infiltrate the city of troy after nightfall...

Civil Rights

The Civil War

The Great Depression

Only lazy bums would question President Hoovers economic policy.
Prosperity is just around the corner I tell ya'.
The Nazi's are your friends.
Poland wants to be invaded, really.
I am not a brainwashed parrot of the robber barons.
OOH!
And there definitely isn't a gerbil in my shorts.

The Crucifiction






The Big Bang

NATIONAL BUFFOON JUNE EDITION #2

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White House to Cut Medicare and Social Security Costs by Shooting Elderly

WASHINGTON, DC — The White House today unveiled a new plan designed to cut rising Medicare and Social Security costs by shooting the elderly dead in their tracks.

“We’re very enthusiastic about this one,” said spokesman Tony Snowjob. “Obviously, it’s modeled on recent events. Our plan differs slightly from Dick Cheney’s inspired shooting of his hunting buddy, Harry Whittington, though. Mr. Whittington is a rich Republican attorney.
We’ll be targeting the old, poor, and infirm Democrats.”

Senate Democrats expressed concern about the plan. “It does seem a bit extreme,” said Harry Reid, “particularly to a man my age. But we will certainly avoid any direct confrontation with our friends from across the aisle. Rather, we plan to cave in after putting on a brief, disorganized show of opposition. We’ve found that works best .”

The plan, which would involve distribution of free ammunition and beer to hunters throughout the nation, could be up and running within a year.

Vice President Cheney praised the new approach during a speech to the American Enterprise Institute. “I think it’s a good solution all the way around. Medicare and Social Security expenses are rising through the roof. At the same time, many hunters are running out of game because of rampant logging and over-development. I know, because I was behind opening public lands to such development. The truth is that many folks lack the opportunity that I did to bravely hunt down dangerous quail from a car. This plan will support the patriotic urge to kill while also helping the nation save money.”

The American Medical Association expressed reservations about the plan. “We admit that treating senior citizens can be complex,” said an AMA spokesman. “The real challenge lies in diagnosing, curing, and getting them out the office door in the ten minutes allowed by HMOs. Have you ever seen how slowly some of these people move? But we do find the Medicare plan somewhat disturbing. Why, it’s almost as if this administration places no value on human life.”

Countered RNC Chairman, Ken Mehlman, “We have a culture of life, especially wealthy life. Is there any other kind worth living? These elderly folks squeaking by on Social Security and Medicare are suffering because they lack that wealth. What we’re talking about here is the quality of life. Certainly we care about the elderly. That’s why our compassionate conservative goal is to put them out of their lingering misery. Plus, they’ll be contributing to the health of our economy, which is a noble goal at any age.”

AARP President, Marie Smith, was disturbed by the plan. “After all, we’re an association of retired people. Our mandate is to make a fortune supposedly representing older folks. Opening fire on those very same folks could significantly cut down on our membership dues. We believe that it’s better to kill seniors slowly by making sure their prescription drugs are too expensive to buy. We worked closely together with both the administration and pharmaceutical companies on this approach. It’s just a shame to see all that self-serving effort go to waste.”

Patriotic hunters preparing to take on elderly issue

Smith Wesson of the Weekend Warriors, a Virginia-based hunting association, was upbeat. “Many of us are quite pleased with this new approach. It’s certainly a lot more fun and challenging to hunt old folks than quail, with all due respect to the Vice President. I mean, realistically, some of these old dudes are pretty spry. Plus, the alert ones can be pretty sharp about evasive action and hiding. "We expect some challenging hunts. It’ll have all the excitement of a tour in Iraq -- a war that I strongly support, by the way, though I have no intentions of ever enlisting."

NATIONAL BUFFOON JUNE EDITION

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BUSH PROMISES ALIENS AMNESTY

Top Secret Area 51, Nevada - Bush granted amnesty to the gray guy from Alpha Centauri 5a
who has spent the last 50 years floating in formaldehyde inside a specimen jar.
The aliens are required to work in Walmarts and meat packing plants
in the midwest for 50 cents a day.

Bush also agreed to send registered democrats to Alpha Centauri
for anal probes & mysterious implants as part of the deal.
Carl Rove said the Bush camp was against gray marriages,
and continues fighting for a constitutional amendment banning them
in an effort to continue duping right wingers into supporting
the continued rape & pillage of the U.S.
and the entire planet by this administration & their friends.