Dateline-In a van down by the river, Wasilla, Alaska- Buffoon extraordinaire Sarah Failin; un- governor and perennial involuntary release of idiocy , escaped from her asylum in Alaska earlier today. She took herself hostage and is threatening to keep littering television screens across the nation with further appearances until everyone hands over their wallets to the nice Exxonaco Execs who need bigger gold toilets in their guest washrooms. Because they were kind enough to buy up all the copies of her new coloring book entitled "Going Batshit" making it seem like a best seller. The astroturf organization, owned by self aggrandizing, obscenely wealthy heir to the looted "Mellon" fortune- Dick Mellon Scarfehair, known as Noosemax will be giving them all away for free. So in this age when every penny counts...stock up for use as toilet paper! According to unnamed sources of flatulence close to the edge, she plans on having a swimsuit competition for the office of president in 2012 and has chosen to toot the trouser trumpet for her talent portion. Her running mate, Barney the purple dinosaur was detained, entertaining at a 3 year old's birthday party at an undisclosed location, and was unavailable for comment.
HIKING AWARD
South Carolina Governor Skidmark Sanford received the Sierra Club's Distinguished Hiker Award this week for his "work" on the Appalachian Trail. Heart shaped hot tubs are being installed at various shelters and work has begun on the "Pan American Trail" which goes from the Governor's Mansion to Argentina. "I ain't no hypocrite" said Sanford, when queried about his vocal criticism of President Clinton's personal indiscretions. "It's not like I was gettin' some while in public office like Willy!". An aide whispered "the Governor's position was indeed a public office and there was an attempt to charge the taxpayers for travel and expenses for the dalliance." The aide was slapped in the face and handed over to Dick Cheney for interrogation.COUNTRY MUSIC TOP HONORS
The Country Music Album Of The Year award went to John Boehner for his album "White Noise"which was a hit in Gump, Indiana for a couple days when someone accidentally drove through town and the local station playing it non stop was the only station that would come in clearly. Songs on the album include: "No Place Like Hame", "I Wrote You A Paem", "Ice Cream Canes", "Ade to the Astro Dame", "King of the Raid" and other erstwhile meanderings that substitute the A sound for the O sound. A special feature included with the CD is a tube of some of that crappy fake suntan dye that turns your skin yellowish orange.
Teabagers, Birthers, and Deathers, Oh My!
"Teabagers" are now angry at the rest of the world because we let them call themselves teabagers....
" Those damned socialist, fascist, Taoist, academist, cartoonist, dentist,
protagonist, harpsichordist, ventriloquist, taxidermists!" Said Joe the not a plumber. Speaking to a gathering of over a dozen pigeons.
Statue Unveiled At Bush Presidential Library
Well sort of... the as yet uncompleted library hopes to open someday, with it's featured "Weapons of Mass Destruction Room", which no one has yet been able to locate, "The National Debt Room", which is remarkably huge and has no ceiling, " The Tax Cut Room", with entry only to the wealthiest," The Economy Room", which is located in the toilet and the "Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they will make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth time.) Apparently no self respecting artist will have anything to do with creating a statue for the library entrance. So Dubya himself is masquerading as a statue in the meantime, since he apparently has nothing better to do.Fox Unveils New Fall Shows
In an effort to continue the tradition of simply recycling old ideas Fox will air a rehash of Love American Style re-entitled Love Republican Style. The first episode will be filmed in an airport men's room stall and future episodes will go downhill from there.
Judge Judy meets Balmy Bachman
(click on graphic to enlarge)
Bachman was sentenced to 2 years of actual public service, which she will serve by being a gargoyle.
Glossolalia
Pro idiocy advocates have rated "the Glenn Beck show" #1 in their coveted "arson ratings" which monitors which channels prison guards dial up to annoy the inmates. The great American patriot Thomas Paine returned from the dead to kick Beck's
sorry ass for trying to associate his drooling incomprehensible ranting with the good name of actual patriots.
Beck retorted with "quack! foobeemoopero, glub!!" and proceeded to soil his diaper.
National Buffoon Is Sponsored By:
Because War Crimes just shouldn't go
unpunished!
Standards Lowered!
Fox Spews managed to lower the quality of life once again of every man woman and child on the planet by broadcasting it's reigning slime time nincompoop's butt surgery. That's right.They needed to come from behind in the ratings. Another milestone (or was that a kidney stone?) in the annals of public broadcasting for the Fox organization. In the end, it seems Glenn Beck is public enema #2.
Curiously, most Fox viewers didn't notice any difference between the close ups of diseased anuses and the normal daily broadcasts.
Happy Halloween all!Watch out for flying evil monkeys!
