By National Buffoon Vatican Correspondent Father O'BlivionVATICAN CITY--In a historic reversal of its nearly
2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced
Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional
"blessed" status of the world`s meek.
"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, `Blessed are
the meek,`" said The Pope in a papal bull read
before the College of Cardinals. "However, there has always
been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek
that this `blessed` status was conditional upon their
inheritance of the Earth, an event which is unlikely to
happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship,
therefore, must be terminated."
"Screw the meek," the pope added.
"Screw the Meek" says PopeCiting "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by
the world`s downtrodden, the pope contended
that the meek`s historic inability to improve their worldly
status constituted "bad faith" on their part.
"Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for
them to inherit the earth," the Supreme Pontiff said. "For
years, they have whined and moaned and the Catholic Church has made every effort to console them, and what have we got from them in return? Enough is enough. We are patient,but we are not saints."
In an effort to attract better clientele German Beer and Hot Pretzels will replace wine and wafers.Church Leaders Agree
Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.
"The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long
now," said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston as he pinned an alter boy in a half-nelson. "From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current
Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed
to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make
advances and improve their lives. They have collected the
Catholic Church`s spiritual welfare checks for long enough."
"Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to
their quiet demeanor to their utter lack of can-do spirit,
goes against Church philosophy," Cardinal Jean-Claude
Turcotte of Montreal said. "Sitting back and expecting the
Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the
Church should be rewarding its followers."
The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in
financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics,
though more than 80 percent of the world`s Catholics live
below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less
than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from
such people.
"The meek`s blessed status was originally bestowed upon them
by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His
gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner,"
the Pope said, "especially in light of the financial goals of
the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day
forward, the Church position shall be, `Blessed are the
affluent, for they have inherited the Earth.`"
In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core
demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican
officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels.
Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a
rustic-but-spacious suite and not a manger, with the
amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise
men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall
henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is
for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and in that
episode between Christ and those moneychangers in the temple...
the moneychangers kicked his ass and he admitted he was wrong.
From now on appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics
will be demanded by the church.
Nuns wielding rifles will be keeping the riff raff away from church properties."The religious community is a gated community" said Sister Sledge of St. Alphonso's Parrish.
According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new
Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with
blessedness and God`s everlasting love free of charge once a
nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an
additional fee, Catholics can become "Gold Circle" members of
the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness,
sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of
the Father upon death.
"We do not wish the Church to become completely
exclusionary,` Vittorio said. "If any of the former meek wish
to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it won`t
be a damned free ride, I can promise you that."
According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new
Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with
blessedness and God`s everlasting love free of charge once a
nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an
additional fee, Catholics can become "Gold Circle" members of
the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness,
sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of
the Father upon death.
"We do not wish the Church to become completely
exclusionary,` Vittorio said. "If any of the former meek wish
to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it won`t
be a damned free ride, I can promise you that."
