Martha Lillywhite. It was kind of her to share them with us.
What might it be like to be the wife of one of the brave Christian soldiers
who is putting his life on the line
protecting your right to insist non Christian store clerks say "Merry Christmas"
not just to yourself, but to all Americans.
Especially those who are Jewish, Muslim, Native American,
or especially those atheists.
Without further ado, here are the letters:
My dearest Martha,
I'm writing to you from the front lines of the War on Christmas.
I know you didn't want me to enlist, Martha, but I felt I had a civic duty to my country.
I am but a humble, red-blooded, white, Christian, American male.
I'd rather die than look someone in the eyes and say "happy holidays."
This is a mighty war, Martha.
We march on boldly to the beat of beloved Christmas carols.
Carols like "The Little Drummer Boy, ""Good King Wenceslas," and "Here Comes Santa Claus."
But rest assured, there are no silent nights in war!
Soon we will deck the halls with the blood and entrails of our enemies
to honor the Prince Of Peace..
We also march along to "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
because it's my favorite song.
That's why I insisted we play it at our wedding
even though we were married in June.
Our greatest opponents, The Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion, also have music.
Mostly that one Adam Sandler song,
And they play it despite knowing full well
that the UN considers this a war crime.
Now, as you know, Martha, I’m no anti-Semite.
No no. Far from it!
It’s just that anything other than Christianity is wrong.
I was hopeful that our path to victory would be swift.
After all, Jesus and Santa are more marketable than dreidels and gelt.
But it's the damnedest thing..
For when the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion first arrived on the battlefield,
we were certain they only had enough ammunition to last them one night.
And yet somehow, despite all odds,
their ammunition has lasted for eight days. It's crazy!
Also, the other day some old guy with a stick shouted something and it started raining frogs, which makes even less sense. and is quite annoying.
I haven't seen raining frogs since 1999.
Our enemies have us outwitted and outmanned.
At this point, our only strategy is that when the great battle arrives,
the remaining members of the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion
forgo the war and instead
return home to take their families out for Chinese Food and a movie.
Of course, it would be one thing if my infantry
was only going up against the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion.
Alas, we must also prepare to wage war against the dreaded Kwanzaa Brigade.
I feared the Kwanzaa Brigade It's one of the things I have in common with Mike Pence,
John Mayer's dick, and a surprising number of American police officers.
But as luck would have it, not many people celebrate Kwanzaa.
In fact, the Kwanzaa Brigade is almost entirely comprised of white liberals
arguing with other white liberals about the importance of Kwanzaa.
They actually spend so much time arguing amongst themselves
that they rarely pose any real threat to my infantry.
Nonetheless, I remain hesitant of their Kwanzaa antics,
We still have no idea what Kwanzaa is about.
From what I've observed,
Kwanzaa is the same as Hanukkah/Chanukah,
but with one less day
and dashikis.
I'm sure there are other holidays out there that pose a threat to Christmas.
It can't just be Kwanzaa and Hanukkah/Chanukah.
Surely those Buddhists must be up to something,
but the only Buddhist I know is that white guy with dreads
who gives out free kombucha samples at Whole Foods.
And when I asked him what he was doing this December,
he said he planned on "Tokin' and pokin.'"
And though I'm not entirely sure what that means, the hand gesture he used
to accompany the expression certainly seemed unwholesome.
So now I hate Buddhists. After all, I am but a humble, red-blooded,
white, Christian, American male, and I can only assume
that all Buddhists are exactly the same as the one Buddhist I know.
There was a Christmas Miracle on the 25th though.
Praise the lord.
A truce was called,
and we all shared our rations of fruitcake with the enemies...
who shared matzah balls & collard greens with us.
We all sat down together and agreed that we all
really hate the atheists and secular humanism even more than the Satanists.
I mean at least Satanists believe in magical nonsense like we do.
But those secular humanists?
They don't have any faith at all.
They don't believe in shit!
Despite the temporary respite, rest assured, Martha,
the War on Christmas is far from over.
But just as I'm sure that Jesus was a white, blue-eyed baby
born on December 25th... I'm sure that my infantry will keep on fighting.
I refuse to let America's youth grow up in a country that says "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas."
So kiss the children for me, Martha.
And when you take the girls to go see Santa, please take them to the mall across town.
I hear the Santa at the mall in our neighborhood is an atheist!
