National Buffoon Acquires Letter Home From The Front Of The War On Christmas

These are the letters home from Billy Bob Lillywhite to his wife
Martha Lillywhite. It was kind of her to share them with us.
What might it be like to be the wife of one of the brave Christian soldiers
who is putting his life on the line
protecting your right to insist non Christian store clerks say "Merry Christmas"
not just to yourself, but to all Americans.
Especially those who are Jewish, Muslim, Native American,
or especially those atheists.

Without further ado, here are the letters:

My dearest Martha,


I'm writing to you from the front lines of the War on Christmas.


I know you didn't want me to enlist, Martha, but I felt I had a civic duty to my country.
I am but a humble, red-blooded, white, Christian, American male.
I'd rather die than look someone in the eyes and say "happy holidays."



This is a mighty war, Martha.
We march on boldly to the beat of beloved Christmas carols.
Carols like "The Little Drummer Boy, ""Good King Wenceslas," and "Here Comes Santa Claus."
But rest assured, there are no silent nights in war!
Soon we will deck the halls with the blood and entrails of our enemies
 to honor the Prince Of Peace..


We also march along to "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
because it's my favorite song.
That's why I insisted we play it at our wedding
even though we were married in June.
Our greatest opponents, The Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion, also have music.
Mostly that one Adam Sandler song,
 And they play it despite knowing full well
that the UN considers this a war crime.

Now, as you know, Martha, I’m no anti-Semite.
No no. Far from it!
It’s just that anything other than Christianity is wrong.




I was hopeful that our path to victory would be swift.
After all, Jesus and Santa are more marketable than dreidels and gelt.
But it's the damnedest thing..
For when the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion first arrived on the battlefield,
we were certain they only had enough ammunition to last them one night.
And yet somehow, despite all odds,
their ammunition has lasted for eight days. It's crazy!


Also, the other day some old guy with a stick shouted something and it started raining frogs, which makes even less sense. and is quite annoying.
 I haven't seen raining frogs since 1999.

Our enemies have us outwitted and outmanned.
At this point, our only strategy is that when the great battle  arrives,
the remaining members of the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion
forgo the war and instead
return home to take their families out for Chinese Food and a movie.

 Of course, it would be one thing if my infantry
was only going up against the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion.
Alas, we must also prepare to wage war against the dreaded Kwanzaa Brigade.
I feared the Kwanzaa Brigade  It's one of the things I have in common with Mike Pence,
John Mayer's dick, and a surprising number of American police officers.

But as luck would have it,  not many people celebrate Kwanzaa.
In fact, the Kwanzaa Brigade is almost entirely comprised of white liberals
arguing with other white liberals about the importance of Kwanzaa.
They actually spend so much time arguing amongst themselves
that they rarely pose any real threat to my infantry.
Nonetheless, I remain hesitant of their Kwanzaa antics,
 We still have no idea what Kwanzaa is about.
From what I've observed,
 Kwanzaa is the same as Hanukkah/Chanukah,
but with one less day
and  dashikis.


I'm sure there are other holidays out there that pose a threat to Christmas.
It can't just be Kwanzaa and Hanukkah/Chanukah.
Surely those Buddhists must be up to something,
but the only Buddhist I know is that white guy with dreads
who gives out free kombucha samples at Whole Foods.
And when I asked him what he was doing this December,
he said he planned on "Tokin' and pokin.'"
And though I'm not entirely sure what that means, the hand gesture he used
to accompany the expression certainly seemed unwholesome.
So now I hate Buddhists. After all, I am but a humble, red-blooded,
white, Christian, American male, and I can only assume
that all Buddhists are exactly the same as the one Buddhist I know.

There was a Christmas Miracle on the 25th though.
Praise the lord.
A truce was called,
and we all shared our rations of fruitcake with the enemies...
who shared matzah balls & collard greens with us.
We all sat down together and agreed that we all
really hate the atheists and secular humanism even more than the Satanists.
I mean at least Satanists believe in magical nonsense like we do.
But those secular humanists?
They don't have any faith at all.
They don't believe in shit!

Despite the temporary respite, rest assured, Martha,
the War on Christmas is far from over.
But just as I'm sure that Jesus was a white, blue-eyed baby
born on  December 25th...  I'm sure that my infantry will keep on fighting.
I refuse to let America's youth grow up in a country that says "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas."

So kiss the children for me, Martha.
And when you take the girls to go see Santa, please take them to the mall across town.
I hear the Santa at the mall in our neighborhood is an atheist!

Town Adapts Preemptive Strategy In Christmas Warfare

New preemptive strategy in the War On Chrismas.

Breaking News - Nov. 20, Gump, Pa.

Rube Gawby

By Rube Gawby - National Buffoon Field Reporter

Last year, the good people of Gump, Pennsylvania were justifiably outraged when the ACLU threatened them with legal action after they had denied the Church of Satan's request to place a display on their Municipal Building next to their Christmas nativity display.  Reluctantly the Satanic display was permitted. (See photo below) Knowing full well the Satanists would expect to erect another display this year, a Christian Action group, The Gump Adventist Society (G.A.S.) decided they would not simply sit idle on the sidelines this year while their religious holiday was attacked. I spoke to the leader of  G.A.S., Mr. Wally Duffer who said of their new strategy "Well, we heard this Church of Satan group doesn't actually even think Satan is real, they were just doing this to mock our sacred traditions! That got me and my huntin' pal Yerks Yonner pretty damned upset. I mean it's bad enough to choose to worship Satan, but no one at all?  That's just UN-American!"
He continued "So me and Yerks enlisted some guys and gals from the Pentecostal Bowling League to come up with a way to defeat these commie atheists".

      "We figured the best way to fight fire was with fire. If they were going to mock our Nativity, we would erect a mockery of theirs. Yes, that's it! A mockery of a mockery! Brilliant. So we had a few beers at Joe's and went down to City Hall and built this 'ACLU Solstice Barn' to mock those mockers!"  "That'll teach 'em" added Ferd Skiffle with a particularly satisfied expression on his face. He is the groups director of recreation.

With Christmas just around the corner, there was no time to lose in getting the "Solstice Barn" erected. Work was completed in a few short days .
The Temple of Satan had no comment.

The folks in Gump were less than pleased with the holiday greeting erected at their City Hall last year.
The display depicted an angel descending into flames.

The War On Christmas

Ahh, the smell of napalm and peppermint in the morning...

National Buffoon's Season's Greetings!

We the staff at National Buffoon,
would like to share
some of the magic and warmth
that always seems to find it's way into our hearts
this time of year.
From all of us
to all of you,
here is our special Holiday Treat!
Enjoy!!!

May all your eggs be nogged!

Peas On Earth - More Awful Holiday Decor, Cards, & More!!! More!!! More!!!

By National Buffoon Editor,
Benjamin New, Esq.

Well it's been nearly a week since we collected enough awful seasonal  doo-dads to post a page about them here at the National Buffoon. It appears that during the intervening days, lead-based paint supplies have run dangerously low as more Chinese factories have come online, flooding the markets with with even more ugly retina-singing awfulness which should be kept away from small children and ideally everyone with functioning frontal lobes as well.

The War On Christmas-The Battle of Epiphany

 Santa has been targeted with Weapons of Midnight Mass Destruction
  Time to fire up your Intercontinental Bellistic Mistletoes!
Peas On Earth, and pass the ammo
indoctrinate the young ones.

Grease Light Up Holograph

According to the product description, this god awful ornament “lights up and plays part of ‘Hopelessly Devoted to You’.It holographic pictures that change scenes, a very unique ornament for the Grease fan.”

It is our experience that anything that lights up while playing a song should immediately be hurled down a long flight of stairs or dropped from a balcony.

Two words: ‘Grease fire’.

The Holy Hot Dog

Nothing invokes the miracle and proper spirit of Christmas quite like intestinal casings filled with scrap meat, lips, and sodium nitrite rendered in glass. According to the product description, this magical ‘old world’ gift ( picture Medieval craft guilds offering this up to some particularly despised supernatural ne'r do well) is “glittered for you to enjoy and cherish as a holiday heirloom”. If by “cherish as a holiday heirloom”, the people who wrote this mean “sell at a yard sale for 5 cents come spring”, then, yes, it could be used in that manner.

Don't We Usually Just Recycle These Things?

If you buy a hundred of these things and litter your mantle with them,
Scrooge will be visited by the Ghost of Andy Warhol.

 (Whether the split-pea soup version is equally collectible remains to be seen).
According to the product description this retails for $8 US. and
it has ‘Never been displayed’...we hope this holiday tradition continues.

The Traditional Decapitated Teddy Bear

It's basically your good old-fashioned stuffed teddy bear with a standard light bulb fixture
and a lampshade where its head ought to be. Perfect for prepubescent serial killers.

Once In Royal David's Butcher Shop

 What could possibly be more festive than fake pork?

Spare No Expense

 Literally...no expense whatsoever, you can find these in the dumpster behind any Dunkin' Donuts.
Stick a bit of ribbon from some gift you received last year and viola!
Imagine the faces of those who receive such a wondrous thoughtful (if not ponderous) gift!

Christmas Is In The Air

...And in the crapper.
Imagine your tree all decked out with plumbing and poop themed ornaments!
Is this the origin of the yule log?
(Santa Claus is going)


O Come All Ye Faithful

Don't tell me the makers of this candle didn't realize
this is how it would look if you burned it.
(Santa Claus is coming)

Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire

Phallus Navidad?

The Little Dumper Boy

 This is not photoshopped. In parts of Spain defecating is part of the Christmas tradition.
They include this in their manger scenes. Really!
God's restroom ye merry gentlemen.

 Christmas Excitement!

Ding Dong Merrily On High?

Xmas Card Photo Public Service Announcement

from the The Dribblers 

 Don't forget to shake!

 Apparently Santa Is Bad Sometimes Too.

 Did someone cold cock Santa for giving them a crappy present?
Or perhaps one of the naughty girls Dads didn't like Santa's candy cane gift.
Or maybe he just got drunk the night before and fell on a lawn sprinkler.

Aghh!

I sure hope this gift is returnable.

Atheist Holiday Traditions

Atheists celebrate the holidays in many festive ways.
Here are a few traditions valued by non theists.

               The Holiday Hominid Creche
(Sometimes watched over by a winged Frank Zappa for some reason)

 Atheists enjoy watching of A Charlie Brown Solstice as much as anyone!

 Another fine atheist tradition is donning  Nietzsche Holiday Sweaters!

 Atheists enjoy dressing up like frosty the snowman and debating Parson Brown

 Of course there's the atheist symbol wreath

And it just wouldn't be the holidays without gingerbread primates!

 ...Or Ginger Bread Darwin cookies!

 Taking the kids to see Professor Klaus at the local university

And on the eve of the solstice, hanging a starfish on the Phylogenetic Tree!

Liberal War On Christmas...The Game!

online games

free

War On Thanksgiving Under Fire

Traditional Thanksgiving Is Under Attack From the Liberal Straw Man (on far left).

By National Buffoon
Holiday Correspondent
Helen A. Handbasket

No one suspected it, only a few have had the fortitude to report it, but there is a war on Thanksgiving and if you have not chosen a side, you hate America. That's right. Every week your friends at Fairly Unbalanced Noose discover some plot by some evil doing straw men to destroy everything decent in the universe which of course is finite and extends only as far north as Kentucky. Moon bat Boogieman are poised to urinate in your mom's apple pie and force themselves anally on the Virgin Mary.  Yep. Of course they alerted us in the past (and will again, before the sacred black Friday dance of conspicuous consumption begins) to the dastardly Straw man plot to destroy Christmas, but little did I or anyone else with an intact cerebellum suspect these liberal straw men were also plotting to destroy the most American of American holidays...Black Friday, the annual Mal*Wart stampede itself, and it's lesser prequel...Thanksgiving.

 They are attacking the very nature of the holiday
 - the promotion of gluttony!

 Inexplicably the straw men are trying to force the socialist pinko commie notion that instead of gorging oneself into a coma that one should give the needy a little more and the broad-beamed a little less. They argue everybody is happier and healthier at the end of the day. This is blasphemy!  We true traditionalists say the morbidly obese should always have more and the hungry less because that's the way God and the free enterprise system work!  That's why Jesus, who of course was American and taught that greed is good while charity and decency was the devil; beat the crap out of the poor (The poor and their ilk annoyed the money changers in the temple simply by existing. The money changers had no interaction with them of course, but were annoyed anyway through osmosis.) 



Liberal Straw Man Behind The Attack!

The Liberal Straw Man is thinking up
 new holidays to ruin for you.

Get real all you liberal Sin Fein loving hippies! A pig pigs! It's just natural. Giving them smaller portions and denying them seconds, thirds, fourths, fiths, sixths, sevenths, 189ths, etc. would only possibly discourage them as job creators. Of course everyone knows only corpulent porcine gluttons can create jobs. That family owned business down the street? Commies! Godless liberal feminist dope crazed deviates who operate lesbian abortion farms. Crazed Qaddafi loving Statists and  enviro-terrorists who adore Mad Bob Mugabe because they are liberty squashing fruitcakes who hate America, Lassie, Mal*Wart, and your mother.

Today they destroy Thanksgiving,
Next it will be my Lawn Ornament!
We must draw a line in the cranberry sauce.

   Yes that's right, you heard right...informed secret sources somewhere in an Orange County strip mall ministry have reported to some drooling nitwit masquerading as journalist on the Fairly Unbalanced Noose network that the Straw men  want to dye your cranberry sauce yellow – which just happens to have been Benedict Arnold's and Adolf Hitler's favorite color!  Not only that, but the society of  pedophile football coaches is reporting that the Straw men practice witchcraft.

The National Buffoon Is Sponsored By Mal*Wart
Your source for inferior goods at cheapass prices,
slave labor, and prosperity depletion! 

These devious super communist Straw men don't oppose giving thanks per se; they just don't want the thanks going to a specific local deity. You can give thanks to a generic deity, as long as your grace doesn't leave out any of the known gods. Always include Jehovah, Allah, Lao-tzu, Baal, Gog and Magog, Ra, Zeus, Jupiter, Odin, Buddha, Harry Krishna, Confucius, the Great Spirit, Quetzalcoatl, Mammon and of course all the inbred Caesars who achieved godhood by simple proclamation (to name but a few).

Try Yahweh's Fire & Brimstone Barbecue...or else!

By the time you get them all properly acknowledged and lauded, of course, the mashed potatoes will be cold and the rolls will be mouldy. That's how they destroy Thanksgiving.

We self righteous science denying Ignominious Ignorant gasbags, er  I mean true traditionalists say "no"! (of course we say no to everything).  The real god ,Jehovah, aka Yahweh, aka Elohim, aka etc.,  deserves the lion's share of Thanksgiving thanks. If you can't give him credit for the whole meal then he should at least get the props for the turkey and dressing...the ham, too, if you're one of those willing to pretend that Leviticus 11:7-8 doesn't exist. We simply can not allow the indignity that would result from the Lard of Lards being lumped in with the lowly demigods, nymphs, and satyrs who receive thanks for the various garnishes, gravies, and seasonings.  He alone needs to be exalted for candied yams, the green-bean casserole, and the pie. It's in the Bible! (or maybe the constitution...one of dem things we never read, yup!)

Unfortunately at this point, the Straw men point out that being the supreme of supremes, he can re script at any time and exalt himself if he takes the notion. This makes all the true traditionalists heads explode and steam shoot out of the top of their noggins. The Battle of Thanksgiving is lost.

Major Mystical Merger - Methodists Merry, Muslims Miffed

By National Buffoon Religion Editor Father Elijah Fields

Two of the big three religions from the 'ol futile crescent vicinity have decided to merge holidays. Yes that's right, taking a cue from the world of finance with all it's mergers and aquisitions, a religion industry insider source has revealed there is proposal that is very likely to be announced shortly through official channels that Chanukah & Christmas will be merged into a single holiday. An unidentified source announced at a press conference moments ago that this deal has been in the works for about 1300 years.

"Oy To The World"

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of "HOLIDAY", as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being amongst the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will now be the more generic "Miraculous shit happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Muslims who feel the merger leaves Ramadan vulnerable to a hostile takeover.

The press conference ended with a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.

White House, Black Friday

U.S.President Barack Obama and the first family will celebrate the Black Friday holiday today in The White House watching movies with the Wayans Brothers in them and having a quiet dinner. "You know folks, you don't have to be black to enjoy Black Friday," the President said. "Much like one doesn't have to be white to enjoy a white Christmas."
Republicans immediately denounced the Holiday and will hold witch hunts, er uh...investigations looking into the possibility that the president may be a werewolf. "That's right" said leading idiot Rand Paul, "He's some kinda' secret werewolf we believe, as he has never appeared in public with wolf-bane dangling around his neck or in the company of Lon Chaney who I think was vice president once.

Republican artist depiction of Barrack Obama

Rand then stripped and piled his clothes by the roadside...He peed in a circle round his clothes and then, just like that, he started howling and then ran off into the woods.

Rand Paul

Many black activists however claim that the holiday is an insult to black Americans as it is marked not by any sort of traditional celebration or activity, but rather by discounts and sales at stores. Rev. Al Sharpton is asking everyone to boycott Black Friday and " Sleep in instead of stampeding at Walmart to get flammable pajamas at half price".

Annual Walmart Rube Stampede

"Does the white man think that the black man cannot afford regular prices?" opined Jesse Jackson at a recent rally outside an Atlanta Walmart. "Have you seen what people are willing to pay for a pair of sneakers? We can afford your regular prices!" He told National Buffoon on his way to Best Buy.

However, critics point to the yearly ritual of marking Presidents' Day with automobile sales as proof that whites don't discriminate when it comes to turning holidays into giant displays of gross commercialism.

Obama is not the first Black Friday celebrating President however as "Dubya" Bush ditched his favorite red crayon and instead drew pictures with a black crayon during his term - two of these crayon drawings still hang on the refrigerator in the White House kitchen.

One of Bush's coveted renderings from his "blue" pretzel period.

And Abe Lincoln of course sold his famous "Lincoln Logs" at a discount on the date.