National Buffoon Acquires Letter Home From The Front Of The War On Christmas

These are the letters home from Billy Bob Lillywhite to his wife
Martha Lillywhite. It was kind of her to share them with us.
What might it be like to be the wife of one of the brave Christian soldiers
who is putting his life on the line
protecting your right to insist non Christian store clerks say "Merry Christmas"
not just to yourself, but to all Americans.
Especially those who are Jewish, Muslim, Native American,
or especially those atheists.

Without further ado, here are the letters:

My dearest Martha,


I'm writing to you from the front lines of the War on Christmas.


I know you didn't want me to enlist, Martha, but I felt I had a civic duty to my country.
I am but a humble, red-blooded, white, Christian, American male.
I'd rather die than look someone in the eyes and say "happy holidays."



This is a mighty war, Martha.
We march on boldly to the beat of beloved Christmas carols.
Carols like "The Little Drummer Boy, ""Good King Wenceslas," and "Here Comes Santa Claus."
But rest assured, there are no silent nights in war!
Soon we will deck the halls with the blood and entrails of our enemies
 to honor the Prince Of Peace..


We also march along to "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey
because it's my favorite song.
That's why I insisted we play it at our wedding
even though we were married in June.
Our greatest opponents, The Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion, also have music.
Mostly that one Adam Sandler song,
 And they play it despite knowing full well
that the UN considers this a war crime.

Now, as you know, Martha, I’m no anti-Semite.
No no. Far from it!
It’s just that anything other than Christianity is wrong.




I was hopeful that our path to victory would be swift.
After all, Jesus and Santa are more marketable than dreidels and gelt.
But it's the damnedest thing..
For when the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion first arrived on the battlefield,
we were certain they only had enough ammunition to last them one night.
And yet somehow, despite all odds,
their ammunition has lasted for eight days. It's crazy!


Also, the other day some old guy with a stick shouted something and it started raining frogs, which makes even less sense. and is quite annoying.
 I haven't seen raining frogs since 1999.

Our enemies have us outwitted and outmanned.
At this point, our only strategy is that when the great battle  arrives,
the remaining members of the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion
forgo the war and instead
return home to take their families out for Chinese Food and a movie.

 Of course, it would be one thing if my infantry
was only going up against the Hanukkah/Chanukah Battalion.
Alas, we must also prepare to wage war against the dreaded Kwanzaa Brigade.
I feared the Kwanzaa Brigade  It's one of the things I have in common with Mike Pence,
John Mayer's dick, and a surprising number of American police officers.

But as luck would have it,  not many people celebrate Kwanzaa.
In fact, the Kwanzaa Brigade is almost entirely comprised of white liberals
arguing with other white liberals about the importance of Kwanzaa.
They actually spend so much time arguing amongst themselves
that they rarely pose any real threat to my infantry.
Nonetheless, I remain hesitant of their Kwanzaa antics,
 We still have no idea what Kwanzaa is about.
From what I've observed,
 Kwanzaa is the same as Hanukkah/Chanukah,
but with one less day
and  dashikis.


I'm sure there are other holidays out there that pose a threat to Christmas.
It can't just be Kwanzaa and Hanukkah/Chanukah.
Surely those Buddhists must be up to something,
but the only Buddhist I know is that white guy with dreads
who gives out free kombucha samples at Whole Foods.
And when I asked him what he was doing this December,
he said he planned on "Tokin' and pokin.'"
And though I'm not entirely sure what that means, the hand gesture he used
to accompany the expression certainly seemed unwholesome.
So now I hate Buddhists. After all, I am but a humble, red-blooded,
white, Christian, American male, and I can only assume
that all Buddhists are exactly the same as the one Buddhist I know.

There was a Christmas Miracle on the 25th though.
Praise the lord.
A truce was called,
and we all shared our rations of fruitcake with the enemies...
who shared matzah balls & collard greens with us.
We all sat down together and agreed that we all
really hate the atheists and secular humanism even more than the Satanists.
I mean at least Satanists believe in magical nonsense like we do.
But those secular humanists?
They don't have any faith at all.
They don't believe in shit!

Despite the temporary respite, rest assured, Martha,
the War on Christmas is far from over.
But just as I'm sure that Jesus was a white, blue-eyed baby
born on  December 25th...  I'm sure that my infantry will keep on fighting.
I refuse to let America's youth grow up in a country that says "happy holidays" instead of "merry Christmas."

So kiss the children for me, Martha.
And when you take the girls to go see Santa, please take them to the mall across town.
I hear the Santa at the mall in our neighborhood is an atheist!

Pruitt Directs EPA To Save The Kentucky Wildcat

LEXINGTON, KY - EPA administrator Scott Pruitt is personally monitoring the status of the near extinct Kentucky Wildcat, a species so rare only one remains on Earth.
“Right now we’re trying to find a female to mate with it, which shouldn’t be hard because it’s a majestic specimen that can jump through flaming hula hoops and dunk a basketball,” said Scott Pruitt

Scientists around the world have been given the task to save the Kentucky Wildcat and help it succeed at all costs.
“I think it’s great the EPA administrator is taking such a personal interest in the health and long-term sustainability of the environment.
Although I guess that’s what they’re supposed to be doing,” said one of the agencies chief scientists.

Saving the nearly extinct Wildcat has drawn an unlikely supporter, billionaire coal executive Joseph W Craft III, who has offered a reward if the Kentucky Wildcat can be successfully mated.
“I’m so impressed with Mr. Pruitt taking up this cause, that I’ve decided to donate ten million dollars to his personal account!" said Mr. Craft.

Know Your Douchebags

If you are not horrified by these douchebags....

American Idiot - Douchebags and Wankers

I have long lamented the intentional destruction of language.
Language is important, it is the medium through which we communicate ideas.
Destroy the medium and ideas can not be communicated.
This is being achieved through conditioning and deception.
Notice how the word "government" is now used in a way that intentionally
does not distinguish between legitimate democracy and totalitarianism.

 Back in 1996, Newt Gingrich's political action committee (GOPAC) mailed a pamphlet entitled "Language, A Key Mechanism of Control" to Republicans across the country.
The booklet lays out a plan to destroy language, to steal it. To assign new meanings to words.
Obviously reasoning occurs mostly through the medium of language, right?
The destruction of reason requires the destruction of language.
Words and phrases of language  have become the battleground in political war.
 They are either owned or controlled by one side or the other.
(The whole idea that there is only one side or the other is in itself toxic, it's the kind of thinking associated with mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, aggression and, especially, borderline personality disorder. It's an erroneous form of cognition, Where there is a spectrum of possibilities, they are divided only into two parts, with a blurring of distinctions within those categories. Shades of gray are missed; everything is considered either black or white.
Where in actuality complex realities are not binary.)
The goal of political rhetoric is to take control of every word and weaponize it.

Weaponized words are used in twisted ways, often as the opposite of their customary meanings.
The aim of this distorted language is not simply to defeat their political enemy, but to ruin the minds of the people who buy into their rhetoric. A person who can not discern relative truths or reason is much easier to manipulate than one who can.

Here are some recent examples:

We have often heard the person who champions reforms refered to as "elitists"
This is a particularly toxic distortion.
Offering reforms is a basic part of democracy, something that every citizen can do.

Not too long ago, the term “elite” referred to those who had achieved some worthwhile accomplishment; Perhaps reaching the pinnacle of a profession, receiving  some type of significant honor, or serving in a high office.

 There were once many routes to becoming elite and they all implied having accomplished something beneficial.
 Who wants to be elite now?
No one.
The word has been completely corrupted and it's meaning destroyed.


“Little” was always a standard way to describe something small; a child, an amount of time,  anything not particularly oversized.

While it wasn’t the most imaginative adjective, it was a useful one.
Now it's definition has become a generic derogation.
Even when spelled correctly, “little” is now demeaning and disrespectful.
When deliberately (or maybe not) misspelled as “liddle”, it’s currently a uniquely nasty insult.
The word“beautiful” is being destroyed as well  because it's being applied to projects that are  either non-existent, undesirable, or senseless. Things like a health plan that doesn't help anyone with their health,, an absurd wall on the southern border of the United States, or massive corporate tax cuts when revenues are less than expenses. Beautiful now means Jackassery.
Who wants to be beautiful?
No one.
The word has been completely corrupted and it's meaning destroyed.

Take a word like “optics”. Originally, this was a word used in the scientific study of light or transmission and deflection of radiation, it’s now become “the way in which a course of action is perceived by the public”.
(That definition is limited to North American usage. The rest of the world leaves it alone.)
 Trump has reduced “optics” to a word marking his appearances on TV; a mere photo-op.

Take the word "promise" A Trump “promise” is not something to keep, but something to break; verified empirical truth has become “fake news”. Thriving, as the New York Times has done within the last year, means “failing’ in the Trump-revised dictionary.

Clichés  have been elevated in importance, and the symbol of American decline likes to load up his twit tweets with them.

“Thoughts and prayers” have replaced useful generosity
And they are abundantly offered to despairing refugees, victims of massacres, Gold Star families and the millions who have lost everything to hurricanes, floods and fires.

“Wait and see” is another pet Orange Julius phrase.
It must be repeated the customary twice.
It never refers to anything good , but always yet another impending administrative disaster.

All is not lost because Twitler  has inadvertently enlarged our vocabularies in another valuable direction. Words Americans may have forgotten from college courses in Sociology or Psychology 101 and 102 are now readily accessible to everyone! Words such as sociopath, which is still defined as someone “revenge oriented, exhibiting grandiosity, lacking empathy, failure to accept consequences of his own acts, sense of superiority without commensurate achievements, sexual promiscuity, blatant lying, impulsive and compulsive acts, sense of entitlement, paranoia, delusion and aberrant behavior.

Also “malignant narcissism”...it's unavoidable.
So we still at least have those words and their meanings intact.

'Twas The Nocturnal Segment Of The Diurnal Period Preceding The Annual Yuletide Celebration

                 



'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, 
and throughout our residential dwelling,
kinetic activity was not in evidence 
among the possessors of this potential, 
including that species of domestic rodent
 known as Mus musculus. 

Hosiery was meticulously suspended 
from the forward edge 
of the wood burning caloric apparatus, 
pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation 
from an eccentric philanthropist 
among whose folkloric appellations 
is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, 
comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, 
were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations 
of variegated fruit confections 
moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. 
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal chapeaus, 
were about to take slumberous advantage 
of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion 
of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance 
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose 
for the purpose of ascertaining 
the precise nature of the source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, 
I forthwith opened the barriers 
sealing this fenestration, 
noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, 
Reflected as it was on the surface 
of a recent crystalline precipitation, 
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - 
thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs 
to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance 
drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, 
piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur 
so ebullient and nimble 
that it became instantly apparent to me 
that he was indeed an anticipated Yuletide supernatural caller!

With his ungulate motive power 
traveling at what may possibly have been 
more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, 
he vociferated loudly, 
expelled breath musically through contracted labia, 
and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen
 - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al.
 - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, 
through which structure 
I could readily distinguish 
the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, 
and was performing a 180-degree pivot, 
our distinguished visitant achieved 
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - 
entry by way of the smoke passage. 
He was clad entirely in animal pelts 
soiled by the ebony residue 
from oxidations of carboniferous fuels 
which had accumulated on the walls thereof. 
His resemblance to a street vendor 
I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings 
which he bore dorsally 
in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, 
while his submaxillary dermal indentations 
gave every evidence of engaging amiability. 
The capillaries of his malar regions 
and nasal appurtenance were engorged 
with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, 
the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, 
the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. 
His amusing sub- and supralabials 
resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, 
and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece 
whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, 
were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. 
His visage was wider than it was high, 
and when he waxed audibly mirthful, 
his corpulent abdominal region undulated 
in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup 
in a hemispherical container. 
He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, 
jocund, multigenarian gnome, 
the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome 
despite every effort to refrain from so being. 
By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid 
and rotating his head slightly to one side, 
he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, 
he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery 
with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise 
extracted from his previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. 
Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face, 
placed a single manual digit 
in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, 
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, 
and forthwith effected his egress 
by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. 
 
He then propelled himself in a short vector 
onto his conveyance, 
directed a musical expulsion of air 
through his contracted oral cavity to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, 
and proceeded to soar aloft 
in a movement hitherto observable 
chiefly among the seed-bearing portions
of a common weed. 
But I overheard his parting exclamation, 
audible immediately prior to his vehiculation 
beyond the limits of visibility: 
"Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, 
and to that self same assemblage, 
my sincerest wishes 
for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period 
between sunset and dawn."
 

Divided We Stand

The UNITED states?
Let's be honest here. Not so much.
It may be time to consider that this "union" just isn't valid anymore.
Can there be any common ground at all anymore?
We may have to consider that there is none. None whatsoever.

Consider the liberal ideal, which at its core was always about nurturing new shoots of enlightenment and a belief that such enlightenment was as likely to spring up in a farmhouse dinner table, or on a ghetto block, as at some great center of power or finance. The promise of liberalism was that we would reach out toward one another, focus on building and connecting. A belief that all Americans and beyond could participate and benefit from diverse, democratic, and yes, brilliant societies, “the broad, sunlit uplands” that Churchill envisioned, or Dr. King’s “nation that will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed.”
But that was long ago now.
I would certainly prefer to persuade people to work together, to find common goals.
That is, after all, what elections are supposed to be about—instead of, say, suborning the head of the FBI, or getting foreigners to commit felonies on your behalf.
It’s true that even the most dominant of powers can be dissolved by the right idea, carried forward by enough people who believe in it. The Republican landslides of the 1920s were reversed nearly overnight when they ran up against the liberal program of the New Deal.
Meanwhile Republicans tried to pretend, in 1932 that the Great Depression was already over. (WASN’T THE DEPRESSION TERRIBLE? read their billboards).
But that isn't likely going to happen again.

We now live in a world where concrete reality is replaced with delusions.
A world where President Obama was somehow a secret Kenyan, and Clinton runs a pizza take out joint that has child sex slaves in the back. A world of complete and obvious bullshit.
Where the most greedy immoral opportunist is a champion of the "common man", and unethical hollow men who lie every time they open their mouths somehow are stalwarts of Christianity.

The reality is there is little hope of any conversation with people who willingly choose a fantasy to live in over observable reality. Why would there be hope of common ground between people who seek to find economic justice, and those who seek it's destruction? Between desire to build, and desire to destroy?  Between funding new research to improve our lot, and funding a creationist unicorn museum?

The truth is there isn't much in common.We can not find common cause in public policy when we do not even share something resembling the same idea of objective reality. It is a tragedy that so much of the work that so many men and women toiled at for so long to make this a better country, and a better world, has been thrown away, leaving us all in such needless peril.
 To fall to this place, with this hollow man assuming leadership, is in itself a refutation of the hope that sustained human progress is possible and will prevail.
What remains for those of us who are not fooled by a parade of fascism wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross, is to regroup, to salvage what we might, and to begin again where we can.
This is the bleakest new reality of all: That common ground is gone. Trumpists  don’t read or listen to legitimate news sources. They don’t even care what a legitimate news source is, as the rise of all those fake news sites has demonstrated. Two-thirds of them believe that unemployment rose under Obama, (even though his policies actually cut it by more than half). Only 17 percent of Trumpists acknowledge that Obamacare has driven the percentage of Americans without health insurance to a record low. Exactly what is the messaging strategy to win over those willing to believe that a routine military training exercise is a UN attempt to conquer Texas? Or any of the other bizarre and inane conspiracy theories that are now promulgated daily as the gospel truth not just by a few, fringe elements but by leading members of Trump's government’s security apparatus? Thanks to the last election, the federal and state judiciaries Republicans will now fill with far-right ideologues who will rubber-stamp every one of the voter suppression tactics the GOP currently employs, along with any new devilry that Trump and his insurgent saboteurs dream up.
And once the president delivers on his campaign promise to Jerry Falwell Jr. and other evangelical leaders by making it legal for churches and other nonprofit organizations to funnel tax-deductible donations directly to political candidates, we can expect a fresh Niagara of cash to pour into our elections, one that will make Citizens United look like a dried up little creek during climate change. Perhaps it is just time to admit this marriage just isn't working and everyone in it is miserable.
Besides, what have the righties always wanted? Pay no taxes, have no federal authority, dismantle the social safety net, loot social security, and kill medicare.
So perhaps we should just do all that...I mean Trump and Ryan will do their best to accomplish that anyway...but why resist? And why stop there? Just dissolve the whole mess.
Let the "liberal" areas create a new federalism. A new alliance. And let the red states form their confederate states again.
let’s be clear: The problem isn’t that Trump won, thanks to fatally antiquated Electoral College (is there another republic in the world, or indeed the history of the world, where a party has won a national election by nearly three million votes and still lost?) that was designed for the 13 colonies who shared many common political goals and interests.
This hasn't been the case for a long time.
The problem is that he has made it abundantly clear that he intends to rule without regard for the Constitution, let alone the majority of Americans (who actually voted against him.)
In this new alliance, we would be free to use our revenues for the things that matter to us.
Infrastructure, a high speed rail system, a new modern electrical grid, public education, research, things that improve our standard of living. The truth is, most of the "trump states" are a drain on our treasury anyway. 20 of the 26 states most dependent on federal aid went to Trump.
Take Mississippi (please!), famous for being 49th or 50th in everything. When it comes to sucking at the federal teat, the Magnolia State is the undisputed champ. More than 40 percent of Mississippi’s state revenue comes from federal funding; one-third of its GDP comes from federal spending; for every dollar it pays out in federal taxes, it takes in $4.70 in federal aid; one in five residents are on food stamps—all national highs. Your Trump-loving congressmen will discover if and when they fulfill their vow to gut the social safety net that most of it's recipients are actually in their states. Bullshit rhetoric may rule now, but take their food stamps away and see if the reality of starvation  doesn't make them turn on your privileged sorry asses.

We in the new alliance, certainly have no need to control other people’s bodies, sex lives, and recreational habits. We’ll be creating cities and states that will defend  human rights and sensible gun control. Trump states may still think FEMA is some kind of liberal welfare scam? Poof—it’s gone! We will never again have beg the people you elected to office to help us in the wake of what should have been considered national tragedies, such as September 11 and Hurricane Sandy. Meanwhile, best of luck with all those tornadoes, floods, hurricanes, forest fires, and—all new!—Oklahoma fracking-earthquakes you always seem to be having.
What’s the matter with Kansas? They went broke enacting right wing nut job economics?
Nothing trickled down? Who cares! This is the good thing about a divorce—the chance to get all of your crazy, deadbeat in-laws out of the house.
How can we save Detroit? Hey, she’s your baby now. Didn’t you say something about the private sector, or maybe casinos, or that mortgage loans guy who owns the Cleveland Cavaliers? I’m sure that’ll work out just fine for you.
With all the extra money we’ll have, we can fund own Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid systems once Paul Ryan manages to “privatize” them for you Trump Staters. And what city is all that privatized money likely to come to, on its way to the markets? Oh, right, New York, The one which you hate so much! All those extra Wall Street bonuses and dividends will really help the local economy!
the Northeast Corridor is the only part of our national train system that makes an operating profit. But every year, your Trump State congressmen threaten to pull the plug on Amtrak unless it continues to guarantee daily, money-losing service to all the little towns out on the prairie, in empty, gas guzzling  red states like Montana, Idaho, Nebraska, and Kansas. Then you go right back to fulminating about how much Amtrak costs. This is the legislative equivalent of Cleavon Little in Blazing Saddles holding himself hostage at gunpoint to fend off a lynch mob.
Go ahead, end your federal Amtrak subsidies. In their place, The new alliance will build fantastic, new high-speed rail systems of our own. They’ll run past our state-of-the-art wind farms, fiber-optic networks, and highways that recharge our self-driving cars as we travel. Do not bother us about money to repair your Trump State airports since, as you always claim, we will just be flying over them anyway.There are still a few kinks to work out, of course. What to do, for instance, about the likes of Illinois and Minnesota, blue states adrift in a red sea? Or all those individual “blue cities” trapped in red states, like Philadelphia and Pittsburgh, or Cleveland and Columbus? We’ll need to reach cooperative agreements with them to exchange goods and services as needed. They will become stops on our new information superhighways, or on our superfast rail networks, or self-driving highways. Our cool new trains and cars will glide past you all the faster, now that we don’t have to stop in between.
Be sure to wave!

Trump Makes A Big League Plan To Benefit From Irma Victims

Scientists reported that not only was the hurricane massive, but it was full of sharks!

Trump scrambles to produce more campaign hats for “the big crowds I expect for me in San Juan and Miami”

  In response to Hurricane Irma, President Trump has laid out ambitious plans to ensure that he and his family will generously benefit from the recent hurricane catastrophe. Printing up another 50,000 “USA” and “Make America Great Again” hats and dropping the price from $40 to $35 because “Even though the economy sucks for everyone but millionaires, I want to be sure everyone down there can afford at least one of my feel good hats. I’ve also instructed Melania to reduce the price of her FLOTUS caps. This should provide some instant relief for those crackers and hispanics.”


 To aid Puerto Rico, he plans on shipping 300,000 tacos from the Trump Tower Grill, where “the best taco bowls are made,” to San Juan at a slight discount. “I love Hispanics!” He said. "I love to grab 'em."

"Mmmm, Taco Bowls! Covfefe!"

 The president will offer a great package of incentives for Jewish residents who wish to move out of Florida, “but they must act fast and no whining about where I send them.” Mr. Trump said most would be relocated to ruby red states in the West where their traditionally left-leaning votes wouldn’t matter. He added that the incentives would likely include “a box of Trump steaks and five slot tokens per Jew to be used at any one of my Trump casinos.” He also said he appreciates that a storm of this magnitude can be traumatic for victims in its path and they will need to rest and unwind afterwards.  That’s why he is happy to offer storm victims 10% off annual memberships to his bankrupt and shuttered Trump International Golf Club Puerto Rico, where new golf club members are free to play at their leisure with the understanding that the club is not responsible for injuries due to zero maintenance on the course for the past two years.

Irma Victims are invited to play golf at Trump International Golf Club Puerto Rico

The president has also announced a “Blowout Buy-Back Program” for his immediate family, cabinet members, and White House staff authorizing them to purchase post-Irma, condemned properties in Puerto Rico and Florida at one cent on the dollar, with no property taxes for 25 years. Republican congressional representatives will also be considered for the “Blowout Buy-Back Program” on an individually-considered basis.

I'll buy your flood zone property at the very fair rate of 1cent on the dollar!
That may make you homeless, but you'll be a homeless winner.
If you won't sell I'll condemn it and you'll just be a homeless loser!

In some areas hit by Hurricane Irma, personal property loss will be a major factor, like clothing damaged by rising floodwaters.

Get out of that flooded basement and into a pair of Donald J. Trump slacks!!!

In some areas hit by Hurricane Irma, personal property loss will be a major factor, like clothing damaged by rising floodwaters. The president is ready to assist with storm slashed prices on all Donald J. Trump Signature Collection suits, dress shirts, and ties. Daughter Ivanka will also be dropping the price tag on her stunning line of office and evening wear for women!
The president tweeted, “No man or woman should miss a day of work because they don’t have the right attire. Irma be damned — you can still look and feel great in Trump branded apparel!”

The availability of clean water is always a problem after a major rainfall. Hurricanes flood rivers and overwhelm reservoirs. President Trump has ordered 300,ooo cases of his “pure as rain” Trump Natural Spring Water to be trucked into hard hit areas. Each bottle is emblazoned with the smiling, reassuring face of the president. Only 9 dollars a bottle!

Note: Water will be available to NRA members and Caucasians only.