The 10 Condiments

  A shrubbery!
A talking shrubbery!
One that looks nice, but is not too expensive.
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
Yet this one is on fire.
The Bush Speaks...
Bush: Moses! Moses, Leader of the Israelites!
(Moses looks stunned, drops to his knees in awe and bows his head to the ground in front of the burning bush.)
Bush:  Oh piss off, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Moses: Sorry--
Bush: And don't apologize.
Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".
What are you doing now!?
Moses: I'm averting my eyes.
Bush: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off.
Moses: Yes, Lord.
Bush: Right!
Moses, leader of the Israelites, your people shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Moses: Good idea, Lord!
Bush: Of course it's a good idea! Behold! This is your task!
to deliver the Israelites a pizza from Egypt.
Moses: A blessing!

 

 The Burning Bush

 Obviously Moses was completely stoned...stoning is of course was quite common back then,
People were always getting stoned.
So later, Moses approached Pharaoh and his advisers to ask for a Pizza.
Pharaoh and his advisors say, "Ni!  We want a shrubbery!!!"
Moses says, "I already found a bloody burning shrubbery in the desert.
It told me it was God, and told me to deliver the Israelites some pizza from Egypt."
Pharaoh asks for proof that Moses speaks for God,
so Moses whips out the holy hand grenade
  Aaron pulls the holy pin, making mincemeat of half the advisors.
Which was used as a topping, since sausage was forbidden.
So after delivering the Pizza, Moses revealed what the Burning Bush had said.
It was some guidelines actually.
Nothing about condiments at all really.
Written on the back of some stone pizza baking sheets.
And as best as can be deciphered from the scrawling of a hallucinating person;
here is what they said:

• I.  Thou shalt not hold your local God liable for any damages, material or emotional, directly or indirectly caused by the Universe nor seek warranty for faulty product.
• II.  Thou shalt dress in plaid polyester with ridiculous hair and call all music groups quartets regardless of how many members are in them.
• III.  Thou shall not eat "chicken" nuggets from fast-food restaurants, as it is impure.
• IV,  Thou shalt not remove the tag from thy mattress, nor desire its removal thereof.
• V.  Thou shalt not credit the local Lord thy God for thy team's victory.
• VI.  Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in Spain.
• VII.  Honor thy famine and they modernism.
• VIII.  Thou shalt pat thy belly. Okay, SIMON SAYS thou shalt pat thy belly.
• IX.  The English shall not give back Northern Ireland until the Irish take back Riverdance.
• X.  Love thy neighbor as ye love thyself. However, thou shalt not love thyself too often lest ye go blind.

(Da Vinci's famous painting of the burning bush)

Right about that time, Egypt was smitten by the ignited bush with (count'em) 10 plagues. 
Killer rabbits.
Dead parrots.
The Spanish Inquisition.
Silly walks.
1000-ton weights.
Plague six. There IS no plague six!
Crunchy frogs.
Spam.
Giant badgers.
&
Upper class twits.

Moses never wanted to deliver the Isrealite's pizza anyway.
He wanted to be a lumberjack.
Which is of course silly since he was in a fucking desert.

Second Coming Less Than Triumphant

A much-awaited and oft ballyhooed comeback by mankind's Lord and Savior

 isn't quite having its intended effect.

Not long after returning to earth and attempting to bring back what he calls 'Actual Christianity,"
religious leader, God, Ho Ho Holiest Spook, and Son of a Gun;  Jesus H. Christ
is finding very few converts to his new reform movement,
and plenty of "aborted" Christians seeking better alternatives
to the  Kenyan Socialist ways of the Lord.

"The plan seemed to make sense at the time," remarked Jesus.

"Come back, prove that you're God, clear up some misunderstandings,
and maybe add a new New Testament or 2.
But it's starting to seem like old times all over again.
And believe me-those old times were shitty".

A recent poll funded by Jesus himself seems to be pointing towards a second Last Supper,
as a whopping 96% of the population believes Jesus is God
but wants absolutely nothing to do with any of his teachings.

94% want him to go back to Heaven and leave us alone,
and 38% "wouldn't be upset" if he were crucified again.

"Christianity was pretty cool before Jesus came back,"
remarked Christian unconvert Canaanite Baal, formerly known as Wooten Cross.
"I mean, it didn't take itself so seriously, and it managed to make bingo  fun and entertaining.
But Jesus is just plain out of control.
First he got rid of Christmas. Then he changed the lyrics to 'Amazing Grace.'
And now he's trying to ban Assault Rifles.
The guy pretty much ruined a religion
that had a successful 2000 year run without him and his liberal nonsense."

To make matters worse, the results of a worldwide Apostle search
also seem to be echoing that sentiment, as many were called, but only four showed up.

"Four apostles!?" said Jesus via his "Jesus H, Christ" Twitter account.

"Four apostles!?
I did better than that the first time around!
It's the liberal media. They're crucifying me. (What else is new?)"

"I think the guy's a couple of sticks short of a crucifix," said atheist Chuck Fables,
whose lifewithoutspooks website has seen a 20,000% increase in traffic since the second coming.
"And I don't care what he says-he's not God.
Don't get me wrong. His second coming was unlikely.
But by no means does that prove it was an actual act of God.
I mean, if Nature can add energy to old soup and create life,
it can also bring back a 2000 year old dead Jew who probably never even existed in the first place."

"Honest to God, God's really starting to annoy me," remarked Jennifer Love Johnsons,
head of The Religious Tolerance Churchything.
"He's completely intolerant of anyone who doesn't follow him.
And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's religious intolerance."

Even Father Paul Mark Toddlers, one of the few people who has supported Jesus since his return to earth, has been critical of some of his beliefs:

"I think he's taking this Bible crap way too literally. I mean, he really wants people to give up their possessions...to stop being materialistic.

He actually had me walk two miles with some homeless guy the other day.

And now he wants to bring back that "Golden Rule sermon on the mount shit?!

I like his zeal and commitment-but to be honest, I think he's something of an extremist."

The Second Coming has also caused church attendance to plummet, 

and forced clergy members to abandon their core focus of politics and finance.

"Jesus wants to bring an end to a $300 zillion a year industry,"
said Deacon Harry Bullocks of the First Tammy Faye Pentecostal Church.
"I mean, he's telling everyone to go home and pray in closets.

And just the other day, he had one of his thugs replace our crucifix with a Jewish star.
But as God as my witness, the Church will survive without this commie Jesus fellow."

The Catholic Church-now known as the Alternative to Christ Child Molesters

 -has already added Jesus to its heretics list,
and is scrambling to disassociate itself from its longtime Lord and Savior.

A special Council of Pseudomancy meeting is still working out the details
of the soon to be released New and Improved New Testament,
which-according to rumors-
will be centered around 20th century country music star Kenny Rogers.

"Jesus is trying to destroy the religion we spent years creating and promoting,"
remarked Pope Heartless Killchrist I (formerly known as Pope Ratznazi).
"We've been doing this for 2000 years-we know exactly what it takes to run a successful religion.
Jesus might be an expert when it comes to philosophy and metaphysical matters,
but he really doesn't know the first thing about this industry!"

Even former U.S. President  George Dubya Bush who claimed Jesus told him what to do
(though we all knew it was Dick Cheney fooling him by using the intercom)
is rushing to join the anti-Jesus crowd.
"Jesus is almost as  bad as a Communist Islamic fundamentalist North Korean Cuban Soviet homosexual,"  he said.  "He's against capitalism, free speech, and violence-and as far as I'm concerned,
that means he's against America.
And if you're against America, you're against God-even if you happen to be God.
We also have good reason to believe he's been developing WMDs.
  Jesus that he may take our afterlives, but he'll never take... our freedom!" 

OO  OO OO ahahaha oooooom

 Jesus was hoping to gain some popularity
with last night's Jesus Live-a miracle-filled TV extravaganza
that aired on 433,234,758 of the world's 856,784,212 TV channels
-but his Apostle count remained unchanged at four,
and it seems like Christ will need more than a miracle to win over the public.

"OK-most of those feats were impressive,"
said viewer David Beelzeblaine, "I'll give him that.
But the guy's not even healing people anymore.
He's just turning bread into more bread, and water into wine.
I mean, that didn't get him very far back in the old days
and magic really isn't that hot nowadays."

"I figured my comeback would cost us a few members," Jesus remarked,
"but I was hoping we'd gain a few hundred billion more.
I can't say I'm entirely surprised, though.
Ezekiel, Isaiah, and Jeremiah mentioned something about the Son of Man
being rejected and persecuted. I was hoping they were just drunk and talking out of their asses,
or that maybe they were referring to some other Son of Man...
but I guess they meant me."

"To be honest, I'm starting to rethink this whole reform thing.
I mean screw these morons.
Why bother?

They are hopeless and greedy. To hell with them!"

The Complete Concise Bible In A Nutshell

 

The bible explains that baseball is underlying purpose of the universe,
as it says in  Genesis 1:1 - "In the big inning"...
Genesis 3:6- 'Eve stole first and Adam stole second.'
Rebekah went to the well with a "pitcher" 
Exodus 4:4 "And he put out his hand, and caught it" 
Numbers 11:32 "Ten homers" 
Proverbs 18:10 "The righteous run into it, and is safe.
Ezekiel 36:12 "Yea, I will cause men to walk"
 

Noah was an investment guru, he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Cars, like dinosaurs and giants existed back in biblical times ... yes, the disciples were all in one accord.
and God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Plymouth Fury.
Pharaoh's daughter was the best financier in the Bible,
she went down to the bank of the Nile and picked up a little prophet.
The first tennis match mentioned in the Bible is when Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert after people walked like them.
Afterwards, Moses, Larry & Curly went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Condiments.
The first condiment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

  Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Boaz was a Ruth-less man before he got married.
The Phoenicians invented blinds.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!''
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by breasts alone."
Jesus called his disciples together and said unto them: "What about you? Whom do you say that I am?"
They answered him, saying, "You are the Christ, the eschatological manifestation of the kerygma that is the ground of our being, whose meaning we discover in our interpersonal relationships."
And Jesus said unto them, " Huh? ...WTF?"

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off his face.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taxi driver.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony...the idea that a Christian should have only one wife.
This is also called monotony.

It is a sin for a woman to make coffee, in the Bible, it says . . . ‘He-brews’.
Ancient manuscripts confirm a disturbing conclusion: that ghosts will one day haunt your underpants.
It was written about in The Dead See Scrotals.