Second Coming Less Than Triumphant

A much-awaited and oft ballyhooed comeback by mankind's Lord and Savior

 isn't quite having its intended effect.

Not long after returning to earth and attempting to bring back what he calls 'Actual Christianity,"
religious leader, God, Ho Ho Holiest Spook, and Son of a Gun;  Jesus H. Christ
is finding very few converts to his new reform movement,
and plenty of "aborted" Christians seeking better alternatives
to the  Kenyan Socialist ways of the Lord.

"The plan seemed to make sense at the time," remarked Jesus.

"Come back, prove that you're God, clear up some misunderstandings,
and maybe add a new New Testament or 2.
But it's starting to seem like old times all over again.
And believe me-those old times were shitty".

A recent poll funded by Jesus himself seems to be pointing towards a second Last Supper,
as a whopping 96% of the population believes Jesus is God
but wants absolutely nothing to do with any of his teachings.

94% want him to go back to Heaven and leave us alone,
and 38% "wouldn't be upset" if he were crucified again.

"Christianity was pretty cool before Jesus came back,"
remarked Christian unconvert Canaanite Baal, formerly known as Wooten Cross.
"I mean, it didn't take itself so seriously, and it managed to make bingo  fun and entertaining.
But Jesus is just plain out of control.
First he got rid of Christmas. Then he changed the lyrics to 'Amazing Grace.'
And now he's trying to ban Assault Rifles.
The guy pretty much ruined a religion
that had a successful 2000 year run without him and his liberal nonsense."

To make matters worse, the results of a worldwide Apostle search
also seem to be echoing that sentiment, as many were called, but only four showed up.

"Four apostles!?" said Jesus via his "Jesus H, Christ" Twitter account.

"Four apostles!?
I did better than that the first time around!
It's the liberal media. They're crucifying me. (What else is new?)"

"I think the guy's a couple of sticks short of a crucifix," said atheist Chuck Fables,
whose lifewithoutspooks website has seen a 20,000% increase in traffic since the second coming.
"And I don't care what he says-he's not God.
Don't get me wrong. His second coming was unlikely.
But by no means does that prove it was an actual act of God.
I mean, if Nature can add energy to old soup and create life,
it can also bring back a 2000 year old dead Jew who probably never even existed in the first place."

"Honest to God, God's really starting to annoy me," remarked Jennifer Love Johnsons,
head of The Religious Tolerance Churchything.
"He's completely intolerant of anyone who doesn't follow him.
And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's religious intolerance."

Even Father Paul Mark Toddlers, one of the few people who has supported Jesus since his return to earth, has been critical of some of his beliefs:

"I think he's taking this Bible crap way too literally. I mean, he really wants people to give up their possessions...to stop being materialistic.

He actually had me walk two miles with some homeless guy the other day.

And now he wants to bring back that "Golden Rule sermon on the mount shit?!

I like his zeal and commitment-but to be honest, I think he's something of an extremist."

The Second Coming has also caused church attendance to plummet, 

and forced clergy members to abandon their core focus of politics and finance.

"Jesus wants to bring an end to a $300 zillion a year industry,"
said Deacon Harry Bullocks of the First Tammy Faye Pentecostal Church.
"I mean, he's telling everyone to go home and pray in closets.

And just the other day, he had one of his thugs replace our crucifix with a Jewish star.
But as God as my witness, the Church will survive without this commie Jesus fellow."

The Catholic Church-now known as the Alternative to Christ Child Molesters

 -has already added Jesus to its heretics list,
and is scrambling to disassociate itself from its longtime Lord and Savior.

A special Council of Pseudomancy meeting is still working out the details
of the soon to be released New and Improved New Testament,
which-according to rumors-
will be centered around 20th century country music star Kenny Rogers.

"Jesus is trying to destroy the religion we spent years creating and promoting,"
remarked Pope Heartless Killchrist I (formerly known as Pope Ratznazi).
"We've been doing this for 2000 years-we know exactly what it takes to run a successful religion.
Jesus might be an expert when it comes to philosophy and metaphysical matters,
but he really doesn't know the first thing about this industry!"

Even former U.S. President  George Dubya Bush who claimed Jesus told him what to do
(though we all knew it was Dick Cheney fooling him by using the intercom)
is rushing to join the anti-Jesus crowd.
"Jesus is almost as  bad as a Communist Islamic fundamentalist North Korean Cuban Soviet homosexual,"  he said.  "He's against capitalism, free speech, and violence-and as far as I'm concerned,
that means he's against America.
And if you're against America, you're against God-even if you happen to be God.
We also have good reason to believe he's been developing WMDs.
  Jesus that he may take our afterlives, but he'll never take... our freedom!" 

OO  OO OO ahahaha oooooom

 Jesus was hoping to gain some popularity
with last night's Jesus Live-a miracle-filled TV extravaganza
that aired on 433,234,758 of the world's 856,784,212 TV channels
-but his Apostle count remained unchanged at four,
and it seems like Christ will need more than a miracle to win over the public.

"OK-most of those feats were impressive,"
said viewer David Beelzeblaine, "I'll give him that.
But the guy's not even healing people anymore.
He's just turning bread into more bread, and water into wine.
I mean, that didn't get him very far back in the old days
and magic really isn't that hot nowadays."

"I figured my comeback would cost us a few members," Jesus remarked,
"but I was hoping we'd gain a few hundred billion more.
I can't say I'm entirely surprised, though.
Ezekiel, Isaiah, and Jeremiah mentioned something about the Son of Man
being rejected and persecuted. I was hoping they were just drunk and talking out of their asses,
or that maybe they were referring to some other Son of Man...
but I guess they meant me."

"To be honest, I'm starting to rethink this whole reform thing.
I mean screw these morons.
Why bother?

They are hopeless and greedy. To hell with them!"

What Super Powers Does God Possess?

We all know full well that supernatural powers come in many forms.
From the tingly spidey-sense of Spiderman, to the rubber limbs of  Reed Richards;
from the ability to ingest mass quantities of illegal substances of Kieth Richards, 
to the thunderbolt attack of Pikachu. 
Superman, of course,  has a plethora of them.
But nobody is said to possess more super powers than the God of Abrahamic religions.
Kryptonite can not even defeat his superpowers!  Nope.  

God pokes Adam in the eyeball

 However it has come to the attention of The National Buffoon staff that there is more myth than pith to this P.R. campaign. For instance it is apparent he was unable to create mankind the way he had hoped.
It seems those he created in his image, the humans, turned out rather badly in his own view. 
God decided to drown 'em all and try again...
maybe with skunks or squids as the dominant life form going forward.
His superpower of omniscience apparently failed as he did not forsee how mankind would turn out (or perhaps he's just fond of  drowning people). His superpower of eternal consistency failed next. He changed his mind, and didn't actually drown everybody,  instead  he decided not to start everything over after all. So much for eternal wisdom I suppose. Furthermore, it appears he is limited by the following paradox: Can God create a stone so heavy that he himself cannot lift it? If he can, then he does not have unlimited strength, but if he cannot, his powers of creation are limited.
In Judges 1:19 -
it is revealed that  Iron Chariots are this God's kryptonite. "Now the LORD was with Judah, and they took possession of the hill country; but they could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley because they had iron chariots.". This explains why God is also dismal at preventing car crashes.

Ok, it's not the devil, it's some actor. But he looks like the devil eh?

God's superpowers of perfect goodness and/or omnipotence seem to constantly fail.
Surely the universe could have been created without suffering.
Even morons like National Buffoon contributors could figure out how to give mankind freewill
while still teaching  mankind to become good and attain salvation
(of course, contributors to the National Buffoon are not nearly as smart as they think they are...
although they do like to pretend that they are Gods from time to time).
For example, a perfectly wise and all-powerful being could certainly create a universe where each and every soul was led, through reasonably wise and compassionate teachings,
to redeem itself and earn  a halo...
no matter how long it might take.
After all, God is without time, so  there is literally all the time in the universe to save the wayward humans. Either God was unable to create such a universe, in which case his  superpower of omnipotence failed; or else he really enjoys giving Sudanese babies diseases which make them poop themselves to death or allowing GOP presidential debates to be televised over and over until mankind's IQ is diminished by 80 points. In this case the superpower of perfect goodness is an eternal  big flop.

That's right folks, every sinner is and will be born with no choice of escape whether they like it or not. I suppose Christians will argue that Son O God offers some salvation if you follow the rules of one of 50,000 cults that claim to know just what this procedure is (It usually involves giving cash to some guy with an awful toupee, wears a purple dress, or some kind of pointy hat).

The rational man must eliminate wasteful thinking such as religions

 In a universe created and ruled by an incompetent, impotent,
or perhaps even evil God, mankind cannot even look to
Superman, Bat Man, Bono, or Atom Ant to save them.
God holds all the cards, and they are marked.
Or does he?
One can  kiss ass and grovel in hope that they aren't one of the individuals singled out to die in cancerous agony and then be tortured eternally in Hell after that.
Or not.
What have you got to lose?
Forget this nonsense, live your life as best you can and respect others doing the same and chances are no different regarding being force fed your own liver by some horned demon concocted by some lonely tribesman who also believed that eating a shrimp or shaving would condemn your eternal soul...a guy who didn't have sense enough to stop wandering around in the desert thousands of years ago.
The universe will end in heat death regardless of whether or not you grovel and kiss holy butt.
The past is gone.
A mere memory that will disappear with your eventual demise.
The future is always in the future,
it never exists.
What about the present?
Well sorry, but I didn't get you one.
(Yes, all you have, all you really know, is right here right now in this very nanosecond.)

  If  a God really existed and had super powers as advertised,
why did he not use them to prevent  Steven Tyler
 from singing the National Anthem at a televised sporting event?
 Certainly any decent deity would cure AIDS,
 turn Russel Brand into a radish,
 and bring lasting peace to the Middle East.

 Alas the only super powers we can bear witness to,
 are
 continuing invisibility,
and the appearance of an occasional icon
on some toast, a crisp, or some stain in a men's room stall in Alabama. 

Have a nice Opus Dei!

Major Mystical Merger - Methodists Merry, Muslims Miffed

By National Buffoon Religion Editor Father Elijah Fields

Two of the big three religions from the 'ol futile crescent vicinity have decided to merge holidays. Yes that's right, taking a cue from the world of finance with all it's mergers and aquisitions, a religion industry insider source has revealed there is proposal that is very likely to be announced shortly through official channels that Chanukah & Christmas will be merged into a single holiday. An unidentified source announced at a press conference moments ago that this deal has been in the works for about 1300 years.

"Oy To The World"

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of "HOLIDAY", as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being amongst the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will now be the more generic "Miraculous shit happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Muslims who feel the merger leaves Ramadan vulnerable to a hostile takeover.

The press conference ended with a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.

It's A Miracle! (we aren't extinct)

Editorial note- National Buffoon makes a distinction between "God" & "religion". No offense is intended to any belief in particular or in general however we do poke sharp sticks in the eyes of organizations that profess to speak for Gods and generally mock conventional thought in ways that are of questionable taste...so if your offended by such things, well it's best to skip this post. No hard feelings.

If not, have a few chuckles at the expense of Pat Robertson, charlatans and their patsies everywhere.

But first...
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You have to wonder about that claim that there no more pedophiles in the priesthood than the rest of the population when products like this are sold...
Maybe it's true, but you know, in the general population, child molesters aren't promoted and protected as a rule. The practice is usually frowned upon instead of institutionalized.
There's nothing sublime about this product of "faith".
I guess everybody's got a right to make a buck.
And rectory's have a right to decorate as they choose....yet....

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Finally
This week's Article is brought to you by...

And of course The Stinky Bros. Circus is in town!
You got tickets, like it or not to the freak show.
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Ok, On With The Main Feature!
The Miracles...no not Smokey Robinson...

Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping
Submitted by National Buffoon Religion Correspondent Elmer Gantry

Bryan Texas, --The Pachuca family of Bryan says an image on their pickup truck is a miracle. The image that came in an unlikely form of a bird dropping appeared on Sunday. That was the first time Salvador Pachuca had been back to the home since having an accident there four months ago. "I told my brothers come over here and see what this is and they say this is the Virgin," he said. Family members made their way outside to see the image on the truck's side mirror. Cristal Pachuca said she took pictures and began making calls to invite others to see, what she describes as, a miracle. "We just all feel protected. It's a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it," says Cristal Pachuca. Cristal says the truck doesn't get much use, but last weekend her husband decided to take it out of their garage and wash it. A few moments later the image appeared. Since Sunday, a steady stream of family, friends, neighbors and strangers has stopped by to pray and take pictures of the image.
This only goes to show you that if you wash your car a bird will crap on it.
In a related story it's rumored that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has fashioned a statue of Ronald Reagan made completely from Dog Crap.
2nd Coming Comings and Goings

Have you ever wondered what kind of reception Jesus would receive if he poped in on today's world? Well here's an indication.
A Swedish man who claimed he was the son of God has been sentenced to prison in Norway for unlawful driving. On one occasion, the man attempted to hide his expired registration tabs by fashioning false plates out of cardboard, but Norwegian police saw through the ruse.
In a four month span in 2008, the 46-year-old Swede was picked up four times for driving without a license by Norwegian police in various towns outside of the capital Oslo, according to the Norwegian newspaper Moss Avis.
The Swede defended his actions during questioning by police in the town of Moss,
arguing he was Jesus, the son of God, and that he ruled the world.
As a result, the Swede argued, he didn’t need to abide by earthly driving regulations.
But the district court in Moss didn’t buy the man’s holy defense, and sentenced him to 30 days in prison and fined him 2,000 Norwegian kronor ($360).


How Does He Do It Time And Time Again?
Pat Robertson pinches off another sermon for his followers.
The man is just full of these things!
Here he is hard at work preparing to deliver another fire and brimstone crowd pleaser.
You GO Pat...
Is there anyone you haven't grossly offended yet?
The only ones I can think of are illiterate nincompoops.
Why not condemn them too?
"Anyone who pays the slightest attention to what I say has made a deal with Beelzebub and is in hell right now with a big ol' pitchfork in their butt...and that's a fact!".


Texan Chicken Farmers Find Cross Of Jesus On EggNo one ever sees the real Santa Claus, but Jesus is everywhere.
At least in Texas.

In Burleson, grandly billed as a “city, 13 miles south of Fort Worth”
Jesus on a cross has appeared on the top of a hen’s egg.
That's right. While the angels dance on pin heads,
the King of Kings is manifest in the chicken shed at Tracy and Pam Norrell’s farm.

The Norell’s tell the media that the egg was laid “straight from heaven”.
“This time of the year, we get so taken up with the presents and money and we forget about the reason. I think he [God] was just telling us he is the reason for the season.”
Yeah, whatever. The egg is for sale on E-Bay.

New Cult

A new cult has formed around the "Banana Jesus"

Lisa Swinton has seen the face of Jesus on her banana. Says she: “I was like ‘Oh my God! It’s Jesus on a banana!’ I got it out of the fruit bowl and was about to peel it and eat it when I saw his face.” If fruit has a face will vegans eat it? Discuss.
Miss Swinton had no qualms. She ate the damned banana before the cult leader could take up a collection .

The Virgin Mary Appears On A Potato Chip
I don't know, just looks like a dark spot to me...

A Boston area woman found a potato chip with what she says appears to be the image of the Virgin Mary on it. Jane Symington found the edible Virgin Mary lookalike in a bag of Lay's potato chips on Friday afternoon. Symington told FOX news that she plans to put the chip on eBay. I've not come across anyone finding the likeness of Muhammad nor of Joseph, Jesus’s step-dad. But National Buffoon pledges to be non-partisan in such matters should such a crisp be found!

The Virgin Of Aunt Jamima
Batter up!
Apparently supernatural beings
have nothing better to do than show up on pancakes,
chips, rust stains and what-not.
Must not be much to do up in the clouds...
Of course for a fee you can buy it on E Bay.

Plumber Finds Savior On bread

Plumber David Howlett discovered Jesus on his naan bread at "India Dining" in Surrey, England. Says David: "I spotted Jesus looking back at me. It was one eerie experience given how close we were to Christmas." He ate the bread but is selling pictures if anyone is dumb enough to buy one.

News of a Jesus sighting on an iron in Massachusetts!
The brownish residue on the bottom of the iron looks like the face of a man with long hair.
The owner was raised Catholic. She and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Jesus and is proof that "he's listening."
She plans to keep the iron in a closet and buy a new one.
Personally it looks a bit more like a Klingon than Jesus to me.
Maybe Che Guevara will appear on my lampshade?
Just looks like a stain to me...

Image Of Micheal Jackson Appears on Tree Stump
The Need To Nose
Not to be outdone, Micheal Jackson has returned as a stump in South Carolina.
Fans have gathered and the Jackson family has rushed to the scene to charge for pictures.
The uncanny resemblance is remarkable enough, but fans say if you stick your ear up to where his nose should be you can actually hear the ocean!
To Honor the M.J. appearance in Oak,
J.C. Penney is having a Micheal Jackson Sale.
Yes, boys pants are half off!

Jabba the Rush Temple Now Open
The new temple is called "the Limbaugh-Hindenburg Temple".
To honor flaming Nazi gasbags ....and dirigibles.
That ain't incense they're burning.
But we've smelled this before.

New Christian Butcher Shop Opens
Come on down to Jesus's Butcher Shop.
Where they are always pleased to meat yor BBQ needs.
The owner is perplexed that his kosher
pork chops haven't found a market yet.
But his Matzoh of God soup sells well.
So do the Dead Sea Scones.
Reminder- Catholics are forbidden to use condiments by papal decree.
But everyone else has some ketch-up work to do.
On Tuesdays they have nothing butt rump roast.
(This is bringing out the wurst of the puns!)


Depressed? Join the club!

In The Interest Of Fairness, Here Are A Few Words From Idol Worshipers Who Requested A Rebuttal...
Right, Right, Right,Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Your Ad Here

The Hall O' Big Bible Fun - ( Inadvertant as it may be)

Ok, I'm a skeptic about most things, and I look for rational and reasoned solutions to life's questions and problems. I make no claim about whether the universe has a creator or is, itself, a natural phenomenon. But that being said, I simply do not make the claim, so I suppose I'm a non believer.
I certainly am a non believer in any of the major "religions" which are all rather feeble attempts to explain the universe to cavemen and simpletons and are merely anachronisms in today's world.

That being said, there are plenty of good reasons to learn about the belief systems man invented over the years. One is that if NOT taken literally, there is meaningful stuff occasionally. And the humor is quite good...though likely unintentional. Many adherents to Christian fundamentalism, (the belief that the bible is literally true) only accept the King James version, so for the sake of avoiding linguistic faux pas, these pearls of wisdom are from that particular publication.

In The Old Testament

Genesis 2:18-20
Seeing Adam wandering alone in the Garden of Eden, God concludes that it is not good that he should be alone, and decides to make him a "help meet". "And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him." Oh Fiddlesticks

Adam does not find his "help meet" until God creates Eve from one of his ribs as he sleeps. Why it took God this long to get it right, however, is puzzling. Did he not realize that none of the animals were suitable wives for Adam? If the first man had pronounced one of them suitable, would the Almighty have presided over a solemn marriage ceremony between a human being and, say, a hippopotamus?

If God had not created the animals with the intent of finding Adam a wife, then why does the text bother to point out that none of them were suitable for that purpose? Perspiring minds want to know!

Genesis 6:5-7, 8:21
God decides to send a great flood to kill all humans, except for Noah and his family, because man's heart is evil. "And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.... And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth." Later, after the flood waters recede, God promises never to do it again because man's heart is evil. "And the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done."

Why should our "evil imaginations" first doom us and then save us? After all didn't the all powerful create them too? Is the all powerful a screw-up? Why does a perfect God change his mind about how to deal with mere mortals?

Exodus 17:11-12
Led by Moses and Joshua, the Israelites are battling the heathen Amalekites. As long as Moses holds up his hands, the Israelites are able to defeat their foes, but as soon as he gets tired and puts his hands down, they start to lose. Aaron and Hur hold up his arms for him until sundown so Israel can kick his butt.

Why should Moses should have to do this for Israel to win? If it is a test of his dedication then allowing Aaron and Hur to hold up his arms for him seems like cheating and wouldn't the all knowing big guy with the beard know he was cheating? Maybe God just decided to make his prophet do funny poses for his own entertainment. (" Hey! If you want Israel to win, hold up your arms! Now stand on one foot! Now do the Chicken Dance! You do the Hokey Pokey....after all that truly is "what it's all about!"). Maybe if GWB had done the watusi...

Exodus 33:23
"And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts"

God moons Moses!

Now that's funny!

Numbers 22:20-22
God tells Balaam that if men come to him and tell him to go with them, he should. Men come to Balaam. They tell him to go with them. He does. God gets mad at Balaam for going.

As strange as it seems, this is exactly what the text says. No justification is given as to why God should be angry at Balaam for doing exactly what God told him to do. Is the lesson to be learned not to listen to the Supernatural Comic Creator? Um, ...it's a ho ho holy mystery.

Deuteronomy 23:1
According to this verse, any man whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off "shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."

God judges us based our genitals? Really? Who would have guessed!

Press the Button Now!

Deuteronomy 23:10,14, Leviticus 15:19-30
God ( Or the guys that made this stuff up) seem obsessed with certain bodily fluids, these verses lay out his all-important instructions for dealing with menstruation, nocturnal emissions, and disposal of feces. We learn in Leviticus, a menstruating woman is "unclean" during her period, and must remain apart from the rest of her people for a minimum of seven days. Then, she must sacrifice two pigeons as a "sin offering", "to make an atonement... before the Lord for the issue of her uncleanness."

So God considers it a sin to have a period? Didn't he create women the way he wanted them to be? What's up with that?

Men who have nocturnal emissions get off more lightly, according to Deuteronomy 23:10. Apparently they're not as "unclean" as menstruating women, and don't have to sacrifice animals to God to be forgiven - they merely have to stay outside the camp for a day.

In verse 14, we have detailed instructions on how to dispose of feces. "Because the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp, to save you and to give up your enemies before you; therefore your camp must be holy, that he may not see anything indecent among you, and turn away from you".

Well it is "unholy" to relieve oneself, and the sight of human feces so repulses God that he will abandon anyone who does not dispose of it discreetly! Did God really need to tell these guys not to poop where they eat or walk? And will all gastro related Drs. be going to the place with the guy with the pitchfork?

Why did God create these bodily functions in the first place if he's so disgusted by them. Doesn't the infinite, almighty Creator of the universe have more important things to concern himself with? Why does his ego demand he be worshiped, not merely respected or loved? If I were god I wouldn't care whether you believed I existed or not, let alone demand you spend time saying how huge and wonderful I am. How your so impressed down here. What an egotist!

Judges 1:19
"And the Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."

Well if your choice is between having God on your side and having iron chariots, you should apparently take the chariots! So much for omnipotence. Apparently Jehovah is a member of one of those species of British and Scottish fairies who were repelled by cold iron or garlic. It'd be just like those little tricksters to masquerade as the all-powerful God of the Israelites!

Judges 6:36-40
Gideon offers the following test to see if he is to be the agent of Israel's salvation: he will leave a woolen fleece out on the ground overnight, and in the morning if it is wet with dew while all the surrounding earth is dry, he will know God's answer is yes. He duly does this, and finds the fleece wet and the ground dry in the morning, but isn't convinced. If you really mean it, he says, make the fleece miraculously dry and the ground miraculously wet. This happens.

Okay, far be it from me to question the wisdom of Gideon, but why couldn't he just ask for a yes-or-no answer? Throughout the Bible God speaks audibly to both believers and nonbelievers (as he did with Balaam, for example). Was that too hard for him to do in this instance, or does he just prefer doing inane parlor tricks?

Judges 9:13
"Wine cheereth God and man."

Okay, man I can see. But how does wine cheer God? Does the Almighty get drunk? Not that it wouldn't explain some things. But based on his evident low sense of humor displayed in other verses, maybe what amuses him more is watching other people get drunk and make fools of themselves.

1 Samuel 19:24
The Spirit of God comes upon Saul and causes him to start giving prophecies. Apparently getting just a little carried away, Saul takes off all his clothes, "prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night."

No mention is made of Samuel's reaction. I guess people just acted that way back then.

1 Samuel 30:1
After being completely killed off by Saul in 1 Samuel 15:7-8 and 15:33, and then being completely killed off again by David in 1 Samuel 27:8-11, the Amalekites invade Israel yet again!

Those Amalekites were resurected! God and Hollywood profit (prophet) from sequels.

2 Kings 21:12
"Therefore thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle."

In other verses, God has already threatened to punish or punished people with death, drowning, dragons, serpents, lions, bears, dogs, wild beasts, evil spirits, confusion, mutilation, cannibalism, rape, slavery, stoning, scourging, swords, axes, arrows, rods, fire, frost, blood, burning coals, brimstone, thunderbolts, storms, famine, drought, fever, plague, pestilence, inflammation, itching, leprosy, open sores, boils, hemorrhoids, hornets, locusts, frogs, lice, flies, worms, infanticide, infertility, miscarriages, madness, blindness, dismemberment, drunkenness, darkness, hail, earthquakes, and by spreading dung on their faces. By this verse he must have run out of ideas. ("And I'm gonna smite you so bad, that... that... um... whoever hears about it, their ears will tingle!")

(For all these punishments, here are the Bible references, in order: Acts 5:5-10, Genesis 7:20-22, Jeremiah 10:22, Numbers 21:6, 2 Kings 17:25, 2 Kings 2:24, 1 Kings 21:23, Leviticus 26:22, 1 Samuel 16:14, Genesis 11:9, Ezekiel 23:25 & 34, Ezekiel 5:10, Numbers 31:18, Deuteronomy 28:48, Numbers 15:35-36, Leviticus 19:20, Exodus 22:24, 2 Samuel 12:31, Deuteronomy 32:42, Psalms 2:9, Numbers 16:35, Psalms 78:47, Revelation 16:3, Psalms 140:10, Revelation 9:18, Psalms 78:48, Psalms 83:15, Jeremiah 24:10, Amos 4:7, Leviticus 26:16, Numbers 11:33, 1 Chronicles 21:14, Deuteronomy 28:22, Deuteronomy 28:27, Numbers 12:9-10, Revelation 16:2, Exodus 9:9-11, 1 Samuel 5:6, Exodus 23:28, Exodus 10:12-14, Exodus 8:2-6, Exodus 8:16-17, Exodus 8:21-24, Deuteronomy 28:39, Exodus 12:29-30, Genesis 20:18, Hosea 9:14, Zechariah 12:4, Acts 13:11, Psalms 58:7, Jeremiah 13:13, Exodus 10:22, Exodus 9:23-25, Revelation 11:13, and Malachi 2:3.)

Psalms 78:66
"And he smote his enemies in the hinder parts: he put them to a perpetual reproach."

God kicks some ass!

Isaiah 20:2-3
God instructs Isaiah to take off all his clothes and wander around completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder."

Yeah people must have wondered, all right. You might chalk this up to another example of God making his prophets do ridiculous things for his own amusement, but Isaiah shows in many places that his own hold on reality is tenuous. He writes that God will "hiss for the fly... and for the bee" (7:18), will force every man to "eat the flesh of his own arm" (9:20 - Bon Appetitte!), and will send a perverse spirit that will cause the Egyptians to err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit" (19:14 - Yellowbeard comes to mind!). He orders women to strip (32:11), and says that God will punish them by "discovering their secret parts" (3:17). He says that God "will feed them that oppress me with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine" (49:26 - yum!); either that, or they'll "eat their own dung, and drink their own urine" (36:12). So either God was having a much weirder daythan Hunter S. Thompson ever had, or else Isaiah was one of the many Biblical figures who could have benefited from modern psychological medication.

Ezekiel 2:9,3:1-3
God writes a scroll in front of Ezekiel's eyes, and then instructs him, "Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll.... cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee." Ezekiel complies, and finds it to be sweet as honey.

Doubtless this is all very symbolic, mystical, and informative in some way or another.

Ezekiel 13:18-20
"Thus saith the Lord God, Woe to the women that sew pillows.... Behold, I am against your pillows."

A true classic! But God's wrath doesn't end with pillows, oh no. In 13:21 he further promises to spill out his anger on kerchiefs ("Your kerchiefs also will I tear"), and just a few verses earlier, in 13:15, he swears terrible vengeance against a wall. ("Thus will I accomplish my wrath upon the wall.") What God has against innocent masonry and embroidery is not explained. Nor is anything else of consequence.

(Then again, maybe Ezekiel's to blame; this guy is plainly a few locusts short of a plague. In chapter 1 he sees some four-headed, four-winged creatures that Dr. Moreau could never have dreamed of, as well as God's "loins." In 4:12 he says that God told him to eat barley cakes baked with "dung that cometh out of man"; not too tasty, but better than fathers eating their sons and sons eating their fathers, which we are told will happen in 5:10. In chapter 4 he is told to lie on his left side for 390 days, then to lie on his right side for 40 days, without turning over. No doubt this is all very symbolic, but I don't think the sinful Israelites were too impressed by their prophets rolling in the mud. In 8:2-3, God's loins put in another appearance, and in 29:8 he makes all the Egyptians' "loins to be at a stand." In chapter 23 Ezekiel rants - at great length - about two women who, as punishment for committing adultery with men "whose issue is like the issue of horses", will have their houses burned down, their sons and daughters killed with swords, their noses and ears cut off, will be forced to "pluck off" their own breasts, and will finally be stoned to death. Praise the Lord! And in 10:12 he mentions wheeled cherubim, whose wheels were covered with eyes. "As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel." Clearly Ezekiel, like Isaiah, is another of those prophets who couldn't poke sanity with a long pole.)

Hosea 8:4
The Israelites set up princes, and "I knew it not," complains God.

So much for omniscience eh?.

Jonah 1:3
Jonah is instructed by God to go preach to Nineveh. But he apparently prefers not to do this, and so he runs away. "But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord."

So much for omnipresence too.If you don't want to listen to the God...simply run away, run away!

This is but a small sampling of Biblical humor. I don't understand how anyone could possibly believe this is literally true, but then again I didn't believe there were enough fools to re-elect Bush, or not understand that importing all your manufacturing and outsourcing all your jobs would lead to a collapsed economy. To each his own, and rememeber:

"There are no sects in geometry."
(Voltaire)

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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