Great Presidential Mullets

(this space for rent)

Founded the Jefferson Airplane

"It is time for the great silent majority of Americans to stand up & get kicked in the balls!"

*Hic*

Speak softly and roll a big spleef

Four pours and seven beers ago our brewers brought froth
with this incontinence, a new notion,
contrived in a laboratory, and medicated to a prone position,
that all men should imbibe a pint or 2.

"The world has nothing to fear from military ambition in our Government." -James K. Polk
(Just before annexing Mexican Territories).
*Must have said that in jest I guess.

Liberal War On Christmas...The Game!

online games

free

The Bill Of Rats Replaces The Bill Of Rights

By National Buffoon Anton Scalia

"I like bubbles an' drool"

The New Bill of Rights

Much has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. The Scalia (TM) Supreme Court has replaced that original outdated document,and no wonder. Since we`ve gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation`s desire to band together was replaced by a general revulsion of people. The birthright of justice and intellectual honesty has been exchanged for a penchant for inequity & unsubstantiated idiocy, the American Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer boom box, the noble exegist for the Exxonmobil.
We are no longer the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should no longer reflect the empowering broad-minded thinking of those Deist revolutionary backwards trouble making upstarts... but rather, the interests of multinational cartels, foreign governments, and descendants of the robber barons. As we begin our assault on the 21st Century, my superficial mephistophelian colleagues on the bench and I have decided it`s time to end the interference of outdated concepts suggested in that damned piece of paper we swore to uphold (Ha ha!... right!) such as human rights, human dignity, and valuing human resources in general. The more modern concepts of human cannibalism, human bondage & human waste will be well represented in the new improved Bill Of Rats.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "anti-commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive speech;" by any sizable corporate lobbyist. Nor shall congress impinge upon the right of the people to peaceably assemble crappy imported furniture, where and when permitted; nor shall abridge the rights of Senators to proposition the juvenile pages of their personal choice. Government shall refer all cases of redress of grievances to Verizon's automated customer service in Calcutta. It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared protected by one or more divisions of Goldman Sachs, in which case the number of persons shall be one or more except on Fridays, after 3 P.M. every 3rd month excluding leap years.
AMENDMENT II

A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the President of Walmart. The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall be permited as long as they agree to being hypnotized for occasional assasinations of citizens viewed as subversive threats by Bank Of America executives.

AMENDMENT III

Common citizens shall, in time of peace, be drawn and quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or believed may be used, for some purpose by AIG or one of it's numerous dummy corporations.




AMENDMENT IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may be suspended to protect corporate welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to Walmart.

"I'm holding in a fart, it will travel up my spine to my brain so I can have some shitty ideas"


AMENDMENT V

Any person may be held indefinitely for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts, American Express, MacDonald's corporation, China National Petroleum, J.P. Morgan Chase & Company, Comcast, AT&T or by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; may be compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties.

Justice Clarance Thomas


AMENDMENT VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused, according to the size of his bank account or credit line, shall enjoy the right to avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury. And any persons guilty of poverty will be incarcerated without possible parole indefinitely unless needed for military service by Exxonmobil.

" Corporations are people, but women are not."


AMENDMENT VII

In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may interest the public, the right of trial in the media shall not be abridged.

"Resistance is futile"

AMENDMENT VIII

Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that private prisons remain in operation and are profitable. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available unless they are a threat to an aristocrat, a CEO, or one of their designated agents masquerading as a Senator.



AMENDMENT IX

The enumeration in The Constitution of rights shall be construed to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall themselves become enacted by Amendment or whim of a Supreme Court Justice.

AMENDMENT X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be deemed to be powers residing in corporations holding appointment therein through the secret defense private contractors, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments as determined by the corporate interest. The public interest shall be determined by it's designated representatives, lobbyists on K street.

White House, Black Friday

U.S.President Barack Obama and the first family will celebrate the Black Friday holiday today in The White House watching movies with the Wayans Brothers in them and having a quiet dinner. "You know folks, you don't have to be black to enjoy Black Friday," the President said. "Much like one doesn't have to be white to enjoy a white Christmas."
Republicans immediately denounced the Holiday and will hold witch hunts, er uh...investigations looking into the possibility that the president may be a werewolf. "That's right" said leading idiot Rand Paul, "He's some kinda' secret werewolf we believe, as he has never appeared in public with wolf-bane dangling around his neck or in the company of Lon Chaney who I think was vice president once.

Republican artist depiction of Barrack Obama

Rand then stripped and piled his clothes by the roadside...He peed in a circle round his clothes and then, just like that, he started howling and then ran off into the woods.

Rand Paul

Many black activists however claim that the holiday is an insult to black Americans as it is marked not by any sort of traditional celebration or activity, but rather by discounts and sales at stores. Rev. Al Sharpton is asking everyone to boycott Black Friday and " Sleep in instead of stampeding at Walmart to get flammable pajamas at half price".

Annual Walmart Rube Stampede

"Does the white man think that the black man cannot afford regular prices?" opined Jesse Jackson at a recent rally outside an Atlanta Walmart. "Have you seen what people are willing to pay for a pair of sneakers? We can afford your regular prices!" He told National Buffoon on his way to Best Buy.

However, critics point to the yearly ritual of marking Presidents' Day with automobile sales as proof that whites don't discriminate when it comes to turning holidays into giant displays of gross commercialism.

Obama is not the first Black Friday celebrating President however as "Dubya" Bush ditched his favorite red crayon and instead drew pictures with a black crayon during his term - two of these crayon drawings still hang on the refrigerator in the White House kitchen.

One of Bush's coveted renderings from his "blue" pretzel period.

And Abe Lincoln of course sold his famous "Lincoln Logs" at a discount on the date.

The First Thanksgiving

Yes the war on Thanksgiving has begun just a bit earlier this year. Of course the plan is to simply combine Halloween, Thanksgiving, Pearl Harbor Day, and Christmas into one conspicious consumption secular human frenzy that begins the second week of September and lasts until February (or Thanksmasdayoween for short). By combining the current ways of celebrating the three holidays into one we save time and money. Just think of it as Halloween getting a little jollier, and Christmas spookier, and everyone saying thank you for both. Of course if you want to be traditional, do what was done at the first thanksgiving (well it wasn't the first...not even in the New World but who really cares?) Wear some big buckles, don't bathe for months, fire off some muskets, eat some gourds, berries, stew some opossum, and watch football. However, the advantages of the combination holiday are obvious. "Librul" attitudes of entitlement are a big problem in America, and we believe it starts in childhood. One of the side benefits of Thankmasdayoween would be toughening children up a bit by scaring them a little before they receive their presents. Since the economy sucks, don't actually buy presents; but wrap some items already in the house such as a roll of toilet paper up in some old newspapers using stuff you find in the trash for a bow.

Here's all you need to know to participate. If your invited to a Thanksmasdayoween dinner anywhere be sure to ask for something other than Turkey, be creative! Some Tofu shaped like a drumstick will surely put a frown on everyone's face and that's after all what holidays are about.

This is the baby NFL's birthday too so don't forget to sing happy birthday! It's considered good form to switch the channel to some lame ass parade whenever something is going on in whatever game is being watched...turn back in time for commercials.

The proper attire for dinner is always a thong, preferably this one.

Some new traditions we reccomend include making a gingerbread house with pilgrims trick-or treating at the door while Geronimo gives them treats. It adds a certain exciting element of danger if naughty children are dragged inside to be cooked with the turkey by some old school Halloween stereoptype witch. After dinner the whole family should go out caroling and vandalize the neighbors houses if they don't give you candy. What sort of carols, you ask? Standard Christmas carols can be reworded fairly easily. We're working on "Hark the Herald Hobgoblins Sing!' and O Little Rock of Plymouth.' Bloody Old St. Nick is a favorite, as well as We 3 Stooges.
Don't forget to float fake eyeballs in your eggnog, and put skulls in your kid's dirty socks when they hang them on the mantle.Erect an outdoor nativity and stick some action figures in it.

You should try to start some lame discussion about what your thankful for and make it really longwinded including every damned cliche you can think of...(the birdies that sing, the Gibb brothers who don't, the guy who was first to drink cow's milk, etc.)

No one cares that the pilgrims actually ate venison, because they also wore ridiculous looking hats, and you don’t see us doing that, do you?

The War On Thanksgiving

By National Buffoon Seafood Correspondent Popeye Sailor.



It's that time of year again folks, the ghouls and goblins have knocked at your door and you gave them treats.

The trick is they will return on Thanksgiving to laze about your house watching football, get hammered, and consume copious quantities of foodstuffs in a cornucopia of consumption unequalled anywhere in the time space continuum. Yet this is my favorite holiday by far. I was surprised to read in some rightwing blogs that liberals were conducting a war on Thanksgiving.
This seemed at odds with reality. Of course it did get me thinking a bit about the experience. Enough to chronicle the event.
Tradition
Tradition is the centerpiece of the holiday is it not? Of course we all want the exact same recipes and schedules that we knew as children. But it goes deeper. We want somber puritans to browbeat us with their bible belts and whatnot. Maybe some scarlet letter action, or an old fashioned witch burning as well. There of course must also be a political angle. (Natives might have had better immigration policies, Pilgrims were Republicans, Turkeys are religious symbols, etc.)

The war began when Uncle Ferd insisted the proper term was dressing while Aunt Percy demanded it was stuffing. It came down to fisticuffs and the whole family began taking sides.
Turnips, once considered traditional fare, were relegated to optional side dish.
And who puts nuts in the dressing or stuffing or whatever the hell it is? Nuts go in a dish. Stuffing is bread cubes, celery, and butter, maybe sausage or Chile Peppers if you want to get ethnic, but nuts? It's sacrilege. And everyone knows that, except your mother-in-law, who is the kind of person who serves mashed potatoes and potatoes Au gratin as side dishes, but since she doesn't even put Jack Daniel's in the sweet potatoes like any normal person, why even get into it? But before any festivities can begin some cousin will be asked what they are thankful for and they will use every available cliche up angering everyone else who will now appear to be assholes when their turn comes... but the whole thing ends mercifully when the homeless guy you invited in says he'll be thankful when the damned thing is over and cousin Jen says the rolls smell like stinky sneakers. Dad of course is thankful for something in some other room and feels a need to thank it personally.

Making a salad, on Thanksgiving is a mortal sin and anyone who does it is attacking the religious symbol of the Holiday which is the headless turkey who gave his life so that Sarah Palin could use him in the background of some pointless unintelligible ghastly interview. Now if your relatives makes a salad, obviously they have vacated their senses and must be restrained with bungee cords in the basement before anyone in the house inadvertently consumes a healthful green on the country's most hallowed day of gluttony. Homeland Security will be waterboarding anyone caught eating greens of any kind not cooked in some type of fat and cream. Later, when Uncle Gomer has finished his half dozen whiskey sours and is staring at his plate with an expression of outright dread, it will become clear that the creamed pearl onions are a communist plot, because evidently wild wolves raised him...wolves in the Soviet Union where, apparently, party doctrine demanded these obscene subterranean items be served and also dictated that Thanksgiving include corn, in canned niblet form. Niblets, for heaven's sake. So now your mother has to waste time explaining to Uncle Gomer they don't even have creamed onions in VLADIVOSTOK, THOSE POOR BASTARDS"!

Of course by now some relative who began slamming Bloody Marys at ten in the morning says "not everyone does things the way we do, remember? You know, like those heathens who eat at one in the afternoon instead of at four-thirty, so as not to miss any of the football?" And your mother announces that Thanksgiving is not about football, it is about giving thanks for not living in Russia and eating nibletted corn, and furthermore, she is certainly not going to get up at four in the goddamn morning to put the goddamn bird in the goddamn oven just so everyone can shovel food into their mouths in a big goddamn hurry and rush off to watch TV, but by now they already have.

After arguing about which pie is the proper one for true Thanksgiving we all realize that togetherness, family, and flying electric knives, vegetables and baked goods deflected off of old people's heads is the real deal...the grand purpose of the tradition; and when you and that someone you love curl up in front of the fireplace for a post-turkey nap, the difference between stuffing and dressing or whatever the hell doesn't matter all that much and neither do these stupid claims that there is a war on any holidays. Americans like holidays, and if anything wish there were more. Hey, pass the creamed onions there comrades.
Of course no Thanksgiving is complete without William S. Burroughs ...

Musical Definitions

Musical Definitions:

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers

detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the clueless conductor tries to do.

senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

preparatory beat: a thorough thrashing of the singer before they enter.

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

conductor: a former musician who can't play well that was given a stick to wave around for amusement instead.

clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

vibrato: a technique used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found many musicians .

ad libitum: a premiere.

beat: what musicians do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

music: a complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, whom musicians pay no attention to, the result of which, is ignored by an audience.

oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

tenor: two hours before a nooner.

diminished fifth: a bottle of Jack Daniels after it was discovered by musicians.

perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

ritard: refers to a former Alaskan 1/2 term governor.

relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.

relative minor: a girlfriend.

big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".

repeat: what you do until they just expel you.

treble: women ain't nothin' but.

bass: things you run around in softball.

portamento: a foreign country.

arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

tempo: a used car musicians arrive in.

A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.

transpositions: noun- male musicians who wear dresses.
verb- An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering in the middle of a piece.

cut time: parole.

order of sharps: what an idiot orders at the bar.

passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at barbecues.

middle C: a crappy fruit drink .

perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

tuba: a compound word: "Hey, fetch me another tuba KY Jelly!"

cadenza: that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
or The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola.

whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

clef: what the orchestra hopes the conductor drives off of.

bass clef: where the conductor lands.

altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".

minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

melodic minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.

12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.

quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.

sonata: what comes out of your nose if you have a cold or hay fever.

clarinet: used as kindling to burn bassoons.

cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

bassoon: what you hope to catch and when.

french horn: my wife says I smell like a cheap one when I come in at 4 a.m.

cymbal: main character in The Lion King.

bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.

time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.

first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

aeolian mode: how you like cherry pie.

Bach chorale: the place behind the barn where horses are kept.

plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of clarinetists."

audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

accidentals: wrong notes.

augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.

broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.

cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.

chansons de geste: porno songs.

clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.

crotchet: like knitting, but faster.

ducita: a lot of mallards.

embouchure: the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.

estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.

garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.

hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a racket.


interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major interval: a long time.
Minor interval: a few bars.
Inverted interval: when you go back to the bar and drink until you fall upside down.

intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.

isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.
(common for discount broadway play scores.)

minnesinger: a boy soprano.


musica ficta: when you lose your place and bluff until you find it again.

neums: renaissance midgets.

neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

ordo: the hero in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.

rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.

trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.

lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.

sancta: Clausula's husband.

di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.

quaver: beginning viol class.

rackett: capped reeds class

ritornello: a Verdi opera.

sine proprietate: cussing in church.

supertonic: Schweppes.

trope: a malevolent neum.

tutti: a lot of sackbuts.


stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.

agnus dei: a famous female church composer.

metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.

allegro: leg fertilizer
.

recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.

transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

Improve Your Writing Skills

By National Buffoon Corespondent Rosetta Stone

Tips to improve your writing

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat!

NEWS- The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits as yoga

Posted at Happy Hour, July 6th
by National Buffoon Drinking Correspondent, Ivgotta Getmisome

Researchers at the University Of Catatonia have documented numerous similarities between alcohol consumption and yoga.
More data is being collected, but physical and psychological effects appear to be nearly identical.

Savasana
Position of total relaxation.

Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.


Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.

Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia.


Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.




Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.

Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.

Cheers All!

Here's to the Hereafter.
If you're not here after
What I'm here after,
You'll be here a long time after I'm gone.

National Buffoon's Unhelpful Hints Vol. Deux

THESE REALLY WORK!

National Buffoon continues it's fine tradition of offering insightful hints to deter conflict and promote domestic harmony. It has become one of our least popular features. Let Harlotta's amazing simple home remedies improve and simplify your life.

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF

2. YOU CAN AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT WHEN VISITING - USE THEIR SINK.

3. ALWAYS REMEMBER TO YELL "BRAKES 'R OUT!" AS YOU SPEED THROUGH RED LIGHTS. NOT ONLY IS THIS COURTEOUS, BUT IT CAN GET YOU OUT OF TRAFFIC FINES.

4. ALWAYS WEAR A FAKE MUSTACHE. AND BY ALL MEANS KEEP A BANANA IN YOUR POCKET SO WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU CAN SAY YES AND SHOW THEM!

5. REPLACE WINDSHIELD WIPERS WITH VIPERS AND PARK WHEREVER THE HELL YOU'D LIKE . ANY ATTEMPT TO LEAVE A TICKET WOULD BE "IN VEIN". METER COPS LOVE THIS!

6. YOU CAN USE A MICROWAVE TO REMOVE LEG HAIR. PUT YOUR LEGS IN ON HIGH AND JUST WATCH THE HAIR FALL OUT. YOU'LL BE AMAZED.

7. REMOVE BLOOD STAINS ON YOUR CLOTHES BY BATHING IN HYDROGEN PEROXIDE, IT WORKS EVERY TIME. BE CAREFUL TO HIDE THE BODY THOUGH. DON'T LEAVE IT ON YOUR LAWN OR IN THE BACK SEAT OF YOUR CAR.

8. CLEAN HOUSEHOLD ITEMS LIKE ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS BY STICKING THEM IN A BAG OF SALT AND SHAKING. THIS IS VERY EFFECTIVE AT REMOVING DUST AND CRUD. THEN STICK THE SALT BACK IN A SHAKER AND GIVE IT TO SOMEONE FOR A GIFT!

9. TO PREVENT FOOD FROM BURNING AND STICKING TO PANS, SIMPLY EAT OUT EVERY NIGHT.

10. IF YOUR UNSURE ABOUT THE FRESHNESS OF AN EGG EAT IT, IF YOU FEEL BAD AFTERWARDS YOU PROBABLY HAVE A BAD EGG THERE.

11. ALKASELTZER IS A GREAT CLEANER. PUT YOUR JEWELRY, VASES, THERMOS ETC. IN THE TOILET AND DROP A TABLET IN THEY WILL ALL BE CLEANED AT ONCE.

12. TO STOP THE ITCH FROM A MOSQUITO BITE PLACE THE AFFLICTED AREA IN A VAT OF BATTERY ACID.

13. DON'T THROW AWAY THOSE SEVERED HEADS. YOU CAN USE THEM AS CAKE DECORATING BAGS, OR CONTAINERS TO MIX DEVILED EGGS....JUST SQUEEZE THE CHEEKS TO DISTRIBUTE THE MIXTURE.

14. DID YOU KNOW DRINKING 2 GLASSES OF CLOROX ELIMINATES HEADACHE PAIN?

15. KEEP PERISHABLE ITEMS IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR LONG ENOUGH, AND THE EXPIRATION DATE WILL FADE AWAY RENDERING THE ITEM SAFE TO EAT.

16. ALWAYS USE SOMEONE ELSE'S TOOTHBRUSH TO SAVE MONEY ON TOILET PAPER.
SAVE A TREE!

17. ALWAYS USE A CRAPPY WEAK KNIFE WHEN CHOPPING RAW CARROTS SO THE BLADE SNAPS INTO YOUR HAND THEN USE THE PART STICKING THROUGH TO CHOP ONIONS. LET THE JUICE GET INTO THE NEW CUT. NEXT CHOP A CHILLI PEPPER, WHEN YOUR EYES STING FROM THE ONION FUMES RUB THEM. PLACE THE CHOPPED UP MESS IN A POT AND FORGET TO HEAT THEM . WONDER WHY IT'S NOT WARMING UP AFTER ABOUT 10 MINUTES AND THROW THE WHOLE THING IN THE GARBAGE.

18. REMEMBER THAT DIRT AND GRIME THAT ACCUMULATES ON WINDOWS AND SCREENS HELP FILTER OUT HARMFUL UV RAYS, NEVER REMOVE IT!

19. REMEMBER, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES, NEVER MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO LAUGH AT THEM!

20. TIME IS MONEY, SAVE TIME BY NOT READING THIS ARTICLE.

National Buffoon's Unhelpful Hints!

These really work!!

Harlotta's amazing simple home remedies
improve and simplify your life.


1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by having someone else hold the vegetables while you chop.


2. Men can avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.


3. For high blood pressure sufferers - You can simply volunteer to hold the vegetables when someone else is cutting, bleed for a few minutes, (reducing the pressure on your veins.)
Remember to use a timer!



4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll
be afraid to cough!



6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
duct tape.



7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.



8. Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced. (You may want to see an oncologist as well.)



9. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.



10. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.



11. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.



12. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally!



13. Hey smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.



14. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.



15. UFO enthusiasts - Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. Schedule a prostate exam for the full effect!



16. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.



17. Convince your nieghbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night. When no one is looking, replace the digger with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!



18. You can fool other drivers into thinking you have a cell phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.



Harlotta's Mailbag


DEAR HARLOTTA: How do I get hair color out of my carpet? I tried paint thinner, heavy-duty spot removers, and soap and water. I'm afraid it's really set. I thought if I kept washing the spot, it would gradually come up.
— Liz Zardrainer, Richland, Wash.

DEAR LIZ: No need to worry about a little stain. According to Penthouse, December '84, 72% of men find it erotic for the carpet to match the dye-job!

DEAR HARLOTTA: How can I keep my bath towels from smelling? We hang them up after each use but within two days they stink!

— Marsha Gas, Swamp City, N.J.

DEAR MARSHA: Stop wiping yourself with them! If your too cheap to purchase toilet tissue use corncobs or junk mail. Reserve towel usage for drying off after bathing.

DEAR HARLOTTA: I have a problem with stubborn stains and I'm hoping you can help. I have a husband and, well he's a good Christian man. Well, he is these days, anyway. Ever since he quit drinking and doing cocaine. There was, of course, some residual damage. He gets tongue tied easily, has trouble pronouncing words, and I have to monitor his pretzel intake pretty carefully. But that's a whole other story! On to the reason for my note. Our problem is blood stains. It started off with just a little under his fingernails, but the stains have gotten worse and worse. These days, he's up to his elbows in the blood of thousands of Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis. Mind you, it's not the blood of any of our friends. For the most part, it's folks we don't know. And, Lord knows, I am so grateful for that. How could I look any of my friends in the eye if I knew that their children... Oh, my! I just won't think about that. But the unsightly bloodstains still bother me. He calls me a silly woman for worrying about such things. His friend, Dick, keeps telling him it'll be alright, just to focus on the price of oil and he'll feel much better about the whole thing. And that seems to work for him. But I'm a good and dutiful wife, and it bothers me for people to see him with all that blood on his hands. An old friend, Henry, tells me I'll get used to it. He says he did. Henry was the fellow that talked Gerald Ford into supporting the Khmer Rouge against the North Vietnamese because he was mad that they made us look so bad in Vietnam. He makes a good point, too. I mean, millions of people died just because Henry was mad at Ho Chi Minh and Henry still gets wonderful book deals and gets invited to all the best parties. He just laughs and says, "Blowback! Not my fault." But still, the blood bothers me. If only we didn't have to LOOK at it. You know what I mean? Any advice is appreciated.

-Pickles, Rancho Redundo, Texas

DEAR PICKLES - This is a common problem these days. Often a large serving of humble pie mixed with a little jurisprudence can go a long way towards cleaning up after such messes. Perhaps exiling oneself to Paraguay will help. I recommend more pretzels in this case.

_HARLOTTA'S DEEP THOUGHTS:_
Some people are like Slinkies:
Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when
pushed down the stairs.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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