World's Best Worst Children's Books!

By National Buffoon Literature Editor,
  Dr. Jim Pansey)

   A Quick list
of the greatest
Children's Books
ever written.

 A dysfunctional favorite!
Pick one up for a fiend as well as yourself!

Comes with recipes for date rape drugs!

 

Teach the kids about the wonders of being a nasty bully!

Learn about the inevitability of death.

 The mystery of the STDs.

In chapter 10 he gets rolled, sucker punched and left in a ditch.

 This one is a howler!
Rover will love it!

 Introduce the youngsters to the wonders of alcoholism!

 Yes, well hey...times are tough in this economy.

 Introduce the kids to the wonders of nature...and poison ivy!

 Come along on Stabby's killing spree!

 A perennial favorite!

 

...And soils himself !

 

 

 This was originally published as "Killing Christmas" by Bill O Reilly

But now sold repackaged with art ripped off from Dr. Seuss for the kids!

 Introduce the kids to watery death!
Fun for all ages!

  Real life problem solving!

 By Stanley Kubrick!
His only children's book!

 Breast augmentation for toddlers!

 Start the little sadists off on the right foot!

 Sooner or later kids, you're going to need this book.

 Fun and instructional!

 Hint---no that isn't Disneyland kids.
Now dig!

 From the Penn State library to yours!

Big seller at the Vatican!

 ...she'll put out one of it's eyes.

Of course she does.

 That's right kids
not only is there no Santa.
But if there is a God, (and there likely isn't) he hates you and wants you to suffer. LOL!

 Incompetent boob Sarah Palin scribbles some nonsense.
Can be used as toilet paper.

 Explore the wonders of substance abuse with the Berenstain Bears!

 The wonders of various intestinal illnesses from eating green meats and moldy eggs!

Fun with flatulence!



Teach the kids about numerous bacterial infections caused by ingesting fecal matter.

THE MOST WONDERFUL GIFTS OF THE HOLIDAY!!!

Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' in the oven...especially if its a Holiday Fetus cookie!
Put some in the rubbish outside your local "pro life" fanatic's house. Drives 'em wild.
Very festive!

The gourmet on your list will fully depreciate this gift!
How to make twinkie pie, PBR Egg Nog, opossum  pudding and numerous suggestions for cooking Pork Rinds and Hog's maws as well as "unidentified varmint's inards" on an engine manifold are also included.
Edited by the banjo playing kid from "deliverance".


One lump or two?
The tea drinker will be speechless upon receiving this thoughtless gift from you.
"And will you take that tea dirty, madam?"

Naked Legless Father Christmas apparently suffocated in a plastic bag.
Who would not be absolutely traumatized to receive this???
A classic!



The Margret Thatcher Nut Cracker.
Always timelessly tasteless.
What better way to honor the the most beloved prime minister in English history?
Among her great and glorious accomplishments were the final subjugation of Scotland and Ireland,
the re-establishment of the English Empire, and the complete destruction of the Argentine nation!
The only competition with this is the Ronald Reagan Can Opener.
Or perhaps the George W. Bush memorial butt plug.


A perennial favorite!
Comes with a $5 off coupon redeemable at your local hospital emergency room. 

The self propelled rolling pin...
because you get way too much exercise.

The home made gift always is fashionable, never unappreciated by the recipient.

In this case for instance the gift was personalized

 for the occasion by the use of little Suzie's own father's head.

Originally marketed in Japan as an educational toy,

The "shave the baby" doll is just disturbing as it gets.
Why not ruin someone's life by wrapping it up as a gift?

Or why not just give them raw poultry!

Be sure to let it sit out at room temperature
for a few hours first so that it isn't useful.

They'll just loathe you for it!


It's always hilarious to give running shoes
to anyone wheel chair bound!

Those vacuum cleaner haircutting devices.

Always god awful!

 The Chimney Jesus Tree Ornament

Always tasteful!

Remember folks...
The reason for the season!
It's the solstice!!!
So punk your friends,
And embarrass your family!
And be sure to go see the
National Buffoon
Holiday movie
in theaters this season...
THE BIPOLAR EXPRESS.

God

God, who also often uses aliases such as Yahweh, Allah or Jehovah to evade debt collectors is the supreme Holy Head Honcho. He is best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, the Inca Empire, Big Foot, Robert Mitchum films, and Devil's food cake. He is burdened with the responsibility of sustaining the equilibrium that allows life to continue, such as answering prayers about football games, committing genocide, committing mass infanticide, starting wars, knocking up virgins, and making stars twinkle. Despite this unfathomable responsibility, God shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever some event such as a horse race is on, as he is apparently a compulsive gambler.

      Just before Creation, on the night preceding October 23, 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the great Celestial Poker Game, Satan, aka the Devil aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist to be gathered. In six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the Giants. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan leads the bet, and why sports teams never bother to pray to him. It's also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.

Rare photo of God playing dice with several Albert Einsteins.
Einstein used Relativity to duplicate himself at the Celestial Dice Game, thus beating both God and Satan at their own game.

Cannibalism On The Rise

Following all the recent incidents of people eating human flesh as a source of nourishment, cannibalism cases are growing on a global scale. Requiring less digestive effort than gorging on chicken, eating people has traditionally been reserved for the elite, but now many are trying to imitate the now infamous Miami Face Eater in an attempt to go down in history right before getting shot by the police. The self proclaimed "Cleveland Face Eater" is currently at large and is comfortably leading the race in cannibalism's "Face Eating" category on Youtube. He posted at least six instances of faciès delectation, where he can be seen chewing the facial attributes off numerous people, casually washing it all down with some Old Milwaukee Dry. The CEO of the brewery, Mr. Milwaukee, an old and dry fellow himself just like his beer, had this to say about the cannibal:
"Great publicity for us! It's awesome to see someone who enjoys a low-calorie, ice-cold beer made for the Ultra life while chewing a protein-rich face and eyeballs. Modern people are taking care of their diet and have an active lifestyle, and the Cleveland Face Eater is a prime example of today's active lifestyle.
Another well-publicized  instance of cannibalism occurred at the Idaho House of Representatives, where Congressman Hugh G. Bone (R) was savagely attacked by the Speaker of the House right in the middle of a lengthy speech about the new system of grading of bovine meat for small producers. The Speaker's sudden and ferocious attack was reminiscent of a school of piranhas in a feeding frenzy.
As it turned out, Mr. Bone was posthumously awarded a B- rating according to his own gradation system. "HIS GODDAMN SIRLOIN WAS TOO SHORT AND HE HAD STONES IN THE LIVER!!!" the demented speaker shouted relentlessly while being chased by a battalion of wildlife officers wielding nets normally meant for catching grizzly bears.