THE MOST WONDERFUL GIFTS OF THE HOLIDAY!!!

Nothin' says lovin' like somethin' in the oven...especially if its a Holiday Fetus cookie!
Put some in the rubbish outside your local "pro life" fanatic's house. Drives 'em wild.
Very festive!

The gourmet on your list will fully depreciate this gift!
How to make twinkie pie, PBR Egg Nog, opossum  pudding and numerous suggestions for cooking Pork Rinds and Hog's maws as well as "unidentified varmint's inards" on an engine manifold are also included.
Edited by the banjo playing kid from "deliverance".


One lump or two?
The tea drinker will be speechless upon receiving this thoughtless gift from you.
"And will you take that tea dirty, madam?"

Naked Legless Father Christmas apparently suffocated in a plastic bag.
Who would not be absolutely traumatized to receive this???
A classic!



The Margret Thatcher Nut Cracker.
Always timelessly tasteless.
What better way to honor the the most beloved prime minister in English history?
Among her great and glorious accomplishments were the final subjugation of Scotland and Ireland,
the re-establishment of the English Empire, and the complete destruction of the Argentine nation!
The only competition with this is the Ronald Reagan Can Opener.
Or perhaps the George W. Bush memorial butt plug.


A perennial favorite!
Comes with a $5 off coupon redeemable at your local hospital emergency room. 

The self propelled rolling pin...
because you get way too much exercise.

The home made gift always is fashionable, never unappreciated by the recipient.

In this case for instance the gift was personalized

 for the occasion by the use of little Suzie's own father's head.

Originally marketed in Japan as an educational toy,

The "shave the baby" doll is just disturbing as it gets.
Why not ruin someone's life by wrapping it up as a gift?

Or why not just give them raw poultry!

Be sure to let it sit out at room temperature
for a few hours first so that it isn't useful.

They'll just loathe you for it!


It's always hilarious to give running shoes
to anyone wheel chair bound!

Those vacuum cleaner haircutting devices.

Always god awful!

 The Chimney Jesus Tree Ornament

Always tasteful!

Remember folks...
The reason for the season!
It's the solstice!!!
So punk your friends,
And embarrass your family!
And be sure to go see the
National Buffoon
Holiday movie
in theaters this season...
THE BIPOLAR EXPRESS.

Worst Christmas Cards

Tis the season...
for depression and suicide.
Have your friends robo-call  a hotline and tie up their lines just for yuks! Ask them how you cook a turkey.

By National Buffoon Editor Ben New

Some cards are "professionally" devised and some are not.

This first one is nominated for the sweater shirt combo. Awful! 

Is he tweaking her nips?

 This must be the fellow in our first photo who was  hanging around

...this photo obviously had been taken earlier in the day of course.

The dollar store inflatable Santa adds a touch of class

 Oh Yes!
...and keep Odin In Solstice as well.

"Chicks really dig me"

Of Course what would the holidays be without rednecks  taking pictures of their kids in front of the tree with assault rifles and sub machine guns. They forgot the malt liquor I guess.

We"re leaving Santa a beer and a Slim Jim Xmas eve!

 Ugh!
Wrong!

Jimmy, your mom called. She wants her sweater back.

Blechh, come on you can't be serious.

The sweaters are bad enough but the damned vest is a blasphemy. Still the clothes are not really the problem are they?

Phil here is certainly festive...Mom must be proud. 

She'll be even prouder if you move out of her basement though.

Family and friends surely were delighted when this photo card was delivered with postage due.

 This is actually a fine card and really very very traditional.
Santa taking time out for an orgy? It IS Saturnalia I suppose.
The pause that refreshes!

Ho...Ho...and another Ho!

 The guy in the back is dozing.

I'm sure they get a group discount from their therapist

 These kids will surely become serial killers...and who can blame them really?

Which one would you kick in the ass first? Decisions, decisions...

Mom would have been in the picture but she had to run to the store.
Her subscription to Soldier Of Fortune magazine ran out.

You just know they really think those scarves are cool.If Santa noticed these guys in his toy shop, he'd fumigate the place.

Better to give than to receive.

The dog seeks revenge. His owners had dressed him up in a bad holiday sweater and antlers for a holiday card photo.

Um....no.

A team? They are missing the hole.

 Yeah, a man who thinks he's his pet's father is shooting blanks...this would explain the smile on his wife's face...you know she's getting some on the side.

Advice for the dog....RUN!!!!!

Liberal War On Christmas...The Game!

online games

free

White House, Black Friday

U.S.President Barack Obama and the first family will celebrate the Black Friday holiday today in The White House watching movies with the Wayans Brothers in them and having a quiet dinner. "You know folks, you don't have to be black to enjoy Black Friday," the President said. "Much like one doesn't have to be white to enjoy a white Christmas."
Republicans immediately denounced the Holiday and will hold witch hunts, er uh...investigations looking into the possibility that the president may be a werewolf. "That's right" said leading idiot Rand Paul, "He's some kinda' secret werewolf we believe, as he has never appeared in public with wolf-bane dangling around his neck or in the company of Lon Chaney who I think was vice president once.

Republican artist depiction of Barrack Obama

Rand then stripped and piled his clothes by the roadside...He peed in a circle round his clothes and then, just like that, he started howling and then ran off into the woods.

Rand Paul

Many black activists however claim that the holiday is an insult to black Americans as it is marked not by any sort of traditional celebration or activity, but rather by discounts and sales at stores. Rev. Al Sharpton is asking everyone to boycott Black Friday and " Sleep in instead of stampeding at Walmart to get flammable pajamas at half price".

Annual Walmart Rube Stampede

"Does the white man think that the black man cannot afford regular prices?" opined Jesse Jackson at a recent rally outside an Atlanta Walmart. "Have you seen what people are willing to pay for a pair of sneakers? We can afford your regular prices!" He told National Buffoon on his way to Best Buy.

However, critics point to the yearly ritual of marking Presidents' Day with automobile sales as proof that whites don't discriminate when it comes to turning holidays into giant displays of gross commercialism.

Obama is not the first Black Friday celebrating President however as "Dubya" Bush ditched his favorite red crayon and instead drew pictures with a black crayon during his term - two of these crayon drawings still hang on the refrigerator in the White House kitchen.

One of Bush's coveted renderings from his "blue" pretzel period.

And Abe Lincoln of course sold his famous "Lincoln Logs" at a discount on the date.

The War On Thanksgiving

By National Buffoon Seafood Correspondent Popeye Sailor.



It's that time of year again folks, the ghouls and goblins have knocked at your door and you gave them treats.

The trick is they will return on Thanksgiving to laze about your house watching football, get hammered, and consume copious quantities of foodstuffs in a cornucopia of consumption unequalled anywhere in the time space continuum. Yet this is my favorite holiday by far. I was surprised to read in some rightwing blogs that liberals were conducting a war on Thanksgiving.
This seemed at odds with reality. Of course it did get me thinking a bit about the experience. Enough to chronicle the event.
Tradition
Tradition is the centerpiece of the holiday is it not? Of course we all want the exact same recipes and schedules that we knew as children. But it goes deeper. We want somber puritans to browbeat us with their bible belts and whatnot. Maybe some scarlet letter action, or an old fashioned witch burning as well. There of course must also be a political angle. (Natives might have had better immigration policies, Pilgrims were Republicans, Turkeys are religious symbols, etc.)

The war began when Uncle Ferd insisted the proper term was dressing while Aunt Percy demanded it was stuffing. It came down to fisticuffs and the whole family began taking sides.
Turnips, once considered traditional fare, were relegated to optional side dish.
And who puts nuts in the dressing or stuffing or whatever the hell it is? Nuts go in a dish. Stuffing is bread cubes, celery, and butter, maybe sausage or Chile Peppers if you want to get ethnic, but nuts? It's sacrilege. And everyone knows that, except your mother-in-law, who is the kind of person who serves mashed potatoes and potatoes Au gratin as side dishes, but since she doesn't even put Jack Daniel's in the sweet potatoes like any normal person, why even get into it? But before any festivities can begin some cousin will be asked what they are thankful for and they will use every available cliche up angering everyone else who will now appear to be assholes when their turn comes... but the whole thing ends mercifully when the homeless guy you invited in says he'll be thankful when the damned thing is over and cousin Jen says the rolls smell like stinky sneakers. Dad of course is thankful for something in some other room and feels a need to thank it personally.

Making a salad, on Thanksgiving is a mortal sin and anyone who does it is attacking the religious symbol of the Holiday which is the headless turkey who gave his life so that Sarah Palin could use him in the background of some pointless unintelligible ghastly interview. Now if your relatives makes a salad, obviously they have vacated their senses and must be restrained with bungee cords in the basement before anyone in the house inadvertently consumes a healthful green on the country's most hallowed day of gluttony. Homeland Security will be waterboarding anyone caught eating greens of any kind not cooked in some type of fat and cream. Later, when Uncle Gomer has finished his half dozen whiskey sours and is staring at his plate with an expression of outright dread, it will become clear that the creamed pearl onions are a communist plot, because evidently wild wolves raised him...wolves in the Soviet Union where, apparently, party doctrine demanded these obscene subterranean items be served and also dictated that Thanksgiving include corn, in canned niblet form. Niblets, for heaven's sake. So now your mother has to waste time explaining to Uncle Gomer they don't even have creamed onions in VLADIVOSTOK, THOSE POOR BASTARDS"!

Of course by now some relative who began slamming Bloody Marys at ten in the morning says "not everyone does things the way we do, remember? You know, like those heathens who eat at one in the afternoon instead of at four-thirty, so as not to miss any of the football?" And your mother announces that Thanksgiving is not about football, it is about giving thanks for not living in Russia and eating nibletted corn, and furthermore, she is certainly not going to get up at four in the goddamn morning to put the goddamn bird in the goddamn oven just so everyone can shovel food into their mouths in a big goddamn hurry and rush off to watch TV, but by now they already have.

After arguing about which pie is the proper one for true Thanksgiving we all realize that togetherness, family, and flying electric knives, vegetables and baked goods deflected off of old people's heads is the real deal...the grand purpose of the tradition; and when you and that someone you love curl up in front of the fireplace for a post-turkey nap, the difference between stuffing and dressing or whatever the hell doesn't matter all that much and neither do these stupid claims that there is a war on any holidays. Americans like holidays, and if anything wish there were more. Hey, pass the creamed onions there comrades.
Of course no Thanksgiving is complete without William S. Burroughs ...

North Pole Mail Is Answered!

Santa Answers His Mail:

Santa, do all of your reindeer really have their own names? - Johnny Wilmer, age 7, Scranton Pa.
Of course Johnny! Every single one is different! Every reindeer has his own special personality and you can really taste the difference in the steaks.



Dear Santa, how is it you can build so many toys so quickly? - Ellen Fisker, age 8, Raleigh, N.C.

Ho Ho Ho! Because of my famous hard-working little helpers... the Chinese! Political prisoners work themselves to death and it costs nothing (except for a minor bribe to the prison officials.)



Mr. S. Claus, This letter will serve as a notice. You're being audited. Mitch at the IRS, age 42

Ho Ho Ho! My igloo in the North Pole not only shelters me from the cold, but also from the U.S. Tax Laws! Thanks to my corporate home office, that shares an address with Halliburton in Dubai, you can shove that audit up your chimney Mitch! Oh, and that substance I leave in your stocking this year will not be coal! Ho Ho Ho!

Santa, do you really deliver toys to every child in the world in a single magical night? -Robby, age 5

As mandated by the courts, I only deliver toys to children I've fathered. Often it seems like the whole world! P.S. If I'm not mistaken, your mother is a waitress named Sheila in Muncie, Indiana. Well, I'll be at your joint with bells on!



Dear Santa Claus or Current Resident: Victoria’s Secret is having its Once-a-Year Sale on Wonder Bras!

Ho Ho Ho! Santa is keeping this catalog of lingerie-wearing babes hidden from my old lady, Mrs. Claus! Because the only thing worse than Mrs. Claus discovering that I am wanking it to your catalog would be her ordering and WEARING something from your catalog. Ugh! (I just vomited a little in my mouth...)

Dear Santa Claus, One of the older girls at school says you're not real. Are you?
Little Lisa, age 6, Altoona Pa.

If I am not real you're a schizophrenic who writes imaginary letters to herself. What a jerk.
You should seek professional help immediately.



Dear Santa, why is the sky blue and what happens to us when we die? -George, age 9
Ho Ho Ho! Why would you be asking Santa these questions? Either you have no father or you do not have access to Wikipedia. In either case bug your mom til she hooks you up to high speed internet.

Dear Santa, Can you explain the birds and the bees? Tommy, age 9

Sure! But late night cable television programming does a much better job! Enjoy!



Dear Santa, All my life I’ve always wanted a puppy. Will you please send me one? Joey, age 39

Ho Ho Ho! Joey, you are the only non-retarded 39 year old who still lives at home in your mom's basement and writes me letters. I am sending you the Help Wanted section of the newspaper for Christmas. Save some poor pooch from the pound and quit bugging me you bum!

Dear Santa, My little baby brother died this year. I really miss him, Santa. I really do. For Christmas, I don’t want any toys or dolls. All I want is my brother back. - Jill, age 6

Ho Ho Ho! Jill, life is a short bittersweet adventure. Treasure each moment. Enjoy every bite of your sandwich Because sooner or later everyone you know will be dead. You too will be a slab jockey, a stiff, a rotting corpse. Yes everyone is doomed, except for me of course. Ho Ho Ho!

Dear Santa, You have been pre-approved for a Platinum Plus Credit Card from Chase Bank and Visa! And for a limited time only your credit transfers will carry a 0.0%* interest rate! * Interest rate is variable and increases to a daily compounding rate of 49.99%. Fees are $49. At any time, we may contact your bank, and switch all your money for SkyMiles on some very soon-to-be out-of-business Airline of our choice.