Cannibalism On The Rise

Following all the recent incidents of people eating human flesh as a source of nourishment, cannibalism cases are growing on a global scale. Requiring less digestive effort than gorging on chicken, eating people has traditionally been reserved for the elite, but now many are trying to imitate the now infamous Miami Face Eater in an attempt to go down in history right before getting shot by the police. The self proclaimed "Cleveland Face Eater" is currently at large and is comfortably leading the race in cannibalism's "Face Eating" category on Youtube. He posted at least six instances of faciès delectation, where he can be seen chewing the facial attributes off numerous people, casually washing it all down with some Old Milwaukee Dry. The CEO of the brewery, Mr. Milwaukee, an old and dry fellow himself just like his beer, had this to say about the cannibal:
"Great publicity for us! It's awesome to see someone who enjoys a low-calorie, ice-cold beer made for the Ultra life while chewing a protein-rich face and eyeballs. Modern people are taking care of their diet and have an active lifestyle, and the Cleveland Face Eater is a prime example of today's active lifestyle.
Another well-publicized  instance of cannibalism occurred at the Idaho House of Representatives, where Congressman Hugh G. Bone (R) was savagely attacked by the Speaker of the House right in the middle of a lengthy speech about the new system of grading of bovine meat for small producers. The Speaker's sudden and ferocious attack was reminiscent of a school of piranhas in a feeding frenzy.
As it turned out, Mr. Bone was posthumously awarded a B- rating according to his own gradation system. "HIS GODDAMN SIRLOIN WAS TOO SHORT AND HE HAD STONES IN THE LIVER!!!" the demented speaker shouted relentlessly while being chased by a battalion of wildlife officers wielding nets normally meant for catching grizzly bears.

War On Thanksgiving Under Fire

Traditional Thanksgiving Is Under Attack From the Liberal Straw Man (on far left).

By National Buffoon
Holiday Correspondent
Helen A. Handbasket

No one suspected it, only a few have had the fortitude to report it, but there is a war on Thanksgiving and if you have not chosen a side, you hate America. That's right. Every week your friends at Fairly Unbalanced Noose discover some plot by some evil doing straw men to destroy everything decent in the universe which of course is finite and extends only as far north as Kentucky. Moon bat Boogieman are poised to urinate in your mom's apple pie and force themselves anally on the Virgin Mary.  Yep. Of course they alerted us in the past (and will again, before the sacred black Friday dance of conspicuous consumption begins) to the dastardly Straw man plot to destroy Christmas, but little did I or anyone else with an intact cerebellum suspect these liberal straw men were also plotting to destroy the most American of American holidays...Black Friday, the annual Mal*Wart stampede itself, and it's lesser prequel...Thanksgiving.

 They are attacking the very nature of the holiday
 - the promotion of gluttony!

 Inexplicably the straw men are trying to force the socialist pinko commie notion that instead of gorging oneself into a coma that one should give the needy a little more and the broad-beamed a little less. They argue everybody is happier and healthier at the end of the day. This is blasphemy!  We true traditionalists say the morbidly obese should always have more and the hungry less because that's the way God and the free enterprise system work!  That's why Jesus, who of course was American and taught that greed is good while charity and decency was the devil; beat the crap out of the poor (The poor and their ilk annoyed the money changers in the temple simply by existing. The money changers had no interaction with them of course, but were annoyed anyway through osmosis.) 



Liberal Straw Man Behind The Attack!

The Liberal Straw Man is thinking up
 new holidays to ruin for you.

Get real all you liberal Sin Fein loving hippies! A pig pigs! It's just natural. Giving them smaller portions and denying them seconds, thirds, fourths, fiths, sixths, sevenths, 189ths, etc. would only possibly discourage them as job creators. Of course everyone knows only corpulent porcine gluttons can create jobs. That family owned business down the street? Commies! Godless liberal feminist dope crazed deviates who operate lesbian abortion farms. Crazed Qaddafi loving Statists and  enviro-terrorists who adore Mad Bob Mugabe because they are liberty squashing fruitcakes who hate America, Lassie, Mal*Wart, and your mother.

Today they destroy Thanksgiving,
Next it will be my Lawn Ornament!
We must draw a line in the cranberry sauce.

   Yes that's right, you heard right...informed secret sources somewhere in an Orange County strip mall ministry have reported to some drooling nitwit masquerading as journalist on the Fairly Unbalanced Noose network that the Straw men  want to dye your cranberry sauce yellow – which just happens to have been Benedict Arnold's and Adolf Hitler's favorite color!  Not only that, but the society of  pedophile football coaches is reporting that the Straw men practice witchcraft.

The National Buffoon Is Sponsored By Mal*Wart
Your source for inferior goods at cheapass prices,
slave labor, and prosperity depletion! 

These devious super communist Straw men don't oppose giving thanks per se; they just don't want the thanks going to a specific local deity. You can give thanks to a generic deity, as long as your grace doesn't leave out any of the known gods. Always include Jehovah, Allah, Lao-tzu, Baal, Gog and Magog, Ra, Zeus, Jupiter, Odin, Buddha, Harry Krishna, Confucius, the Great Spirit, Quetzalcoatl, Mammon and of course all the inbred Caesars who achieved godhood by simple proclamation (to name but a few).

Try Yahweh's Fire & Brimstone Barbecue...or else!

By the time you get them all properly acknowledged and lauded, of course, the mashed potatoes will be cold and the rolls will be mouldy. That's how they destroy Thanksgiving.

We self righteous science denying Ignominious Ignorant gasbags, er  I mean true traditionalists say "no"! (of course we say no to everything).  The real god ,Jehovah, aka Yahweh, aka Elohim, aka etc.,  deserves the lion's share of Thanksgiving thanks. If you can't give him credit for the whole meal then he should at least get the props for the turkey and dressing...the ham, too, if you're one of those willing to pretend that Leviticus 11:7-8 doesn't exist. We simply can not allow the indignity that would result from the Lard of Lards being lumped in with the lowly demigods, nymphs, and satyrs who receive thanks for the various garnishes, gravies, and seasonings.  He alone needs to be exalted for candied yams, the green-bean casserole, and the pie. It's in the Bible! (or maybe the constitution...one of dem things we never read, yup!)

Unfortunately at this point, the Straw men point out that being the supreme of supremes, he can re script at any time and exalt himself if he takes the notion. This makes all the true traditionalists heads explode and steam shoot out of the top of their noggins. The Battle of Thanksgiving is lost.

It's A Miracle! (we aren't extinct)

Editorial note- National Buffoon makes a distinction between "God" & "religion". No offense is intended to any belief in particular or in general however we do poke sharp sticks in the eyes of organizations that profess to speak for Gods and generally mock conventional thought in ways that are of questionable taste...so if your offended by such things, well it's best to skip this post. No hard feelings.

If not, have a few chuckles at the expense of Pat Robertson, charlatans and their patsies everywhere.

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You got tickets, like it or not to the freak show.
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Ok, On With The Main Feature!
The Miracles...no not Smokey Robinson...

Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping
Submitted by National Buffoon Religion Correspondent Elmer Gantry

Bryan Texas, --The Pachuca family of Bryan says an image on their pickup truck is a miracle. The image that came in an unlikely form of a bird dropping appeared on Sunday. That was the first time Salvador Pachuca had been back to the home since having an accident there four months ago. "I told my brothers come over here and see what this is and they say this is the Virgin," he said. Family members made their way outside to see the image on the truck's side mirror. Cristal Pachuca said she took pictures and began making calls to invite others to see, what she describes as, a miracle. "We just all feel protected. It's a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it," says Cristal Pachuca. Cristal says the truck doesn't get much use, but last weekend her husband decided to take it out of their garage and wash it. A few moments later the image appeared. Since Sunday, a steady stream of family, friends, neighbors and strangers has stopped by to pray and take pictures of the image.
This only goes to show you that if you wash your car a bird will crap on it.
In a related story it's rumored that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has fashioned a statue of Ronald Reagan made completely from Dog Crap.
2nd Coming Comings and Goings

Have you ever wondered what kind of reception Jesus would receive if he poped in on today's world? Well here's an indication.
A Swedish man who claimed he was the son of God has been sentenced to prison in Norway for unlawful driving. On one occasion, the man attempted to hide his expired registration tabs by fashioning false plates out of cardboard, but Norwegian police saw through the ruse.
In a four month span in 2008, the 46-year-old Swede was picked up four times for driving without a license by Norwegian police in various towns outside of the capital Oslo, according to the Norwegian newspaper Moss Avis.
The Swede defended his actions during questioning by police in the town of Moss,
arguing he was Jesus, the son of God, and that he ruled the world.
As a result, the Swede argued, he didn’t need to abide by earthly driving regulations.
But the district court in Moss didn’t buy the man’s holy defense, and sentenced him to 30 days in prison and fined him 2,000 Norwegian kronor ($360).


How Does He Do It Time And Time Again?
Pat Robertson pinches off another sermon for his followers.
The man is just full of these things!
Here he is hard at work preparing to deliver another fire and brimstone crowd pleaser.
You GO Pat...
Is there anyone you haven't grossly offended yet?
The only ones I can think of are illiterate nincompoops.
Why not condemn them too?
"Anyone who pays the slightest attention to what I say has made a deal with Beelzebub and is in hell right now with a big ol' pitchfork in their butt...and that's a fact!".


Texan Chicken Farmers Find Cross Of Jesus On EggNo one ever sees the real Santa Claus, but Jesus is everywhere.
At least in Texas.

In Burleson, grandly billed as a “city, 13 miles south of Fort Worth”
Jesus on a cross has appeared on the top of a hen’s egg.
That's right. While the angels dance on pin heads,
the King of Kings is manifest in the chicken shed at Tracy and Pam Norrell’s farm.

The Norell’s tell the media that the egg was laid “straight from heaven”.
“This time of the year, we get so taken up with the presents and money and we forget about the reason. I think he [God] was just telling us he is the reason for the season.”
Yeah, whatever. The egg is for sale on E-Bay.

New Cult

A new cult has formed around the "Banana Jesus"

Lisa Swinton has seen the face of Jesus on her banana. Says she: “I was like ‘Oh my God! It’s Jesus on a banana!’ I got it out of the fruit bowl and was about to peel it and eat it when I saw his face.” If fruit has a face will vegans eat it? Discuss.
Miss Swinton had no qualms. She ate the damned banana before the cult leader could take up a collection .

The Virgin Mary Appears On A Potato Chip
I don't know, just looks like a dark spot to me...

A Boston area woman found a potato chip with what she says appears to be the image of the Virgin Mary on it. Jane Symington found the edible Virgin Mary lookalike in a bag of Lay's potato chips on Friday afternoon. Symington told FOX news that she plans to put the chip on eBay. I've not come across anyone finding the likeness of Muhammad nor of Joseph, Jesus’s step-dad. But National Buffoon pledges to be non-partisan in such matters should such a crisp be found!

The Virgin Of Aunt Jamima
Batter up!
Apparently supernatural beings
have nothing better to do than show up on pancakes,
chips, rust stains and what-not.
Must not be much to do up in the clouds...
Of course for a fee you can buy it on E Bay.

Plumber Finds Savior On bread

Plumber David Howlett discovered Jesus on his naan bread at "India Dining" in Surrey, England. Says David: "I spotted Jesus looking back at me. It was one eerie experience given how close we were to Christmas." He ate the bread but is selling pictures if anyone is dumb enough to buy one.

News of a Jesus sighting on an iron in Massachusetts!
The brownish residue on the bottom of the iron looks like the face of a man with long hair.
The owner was raised Catholic. She and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Jesus and is proof that "he's listening."
She plans to keep the iron in a closet and buy a new one.
Personally it looks a bit more like a Klingon than Jesus to me.
Maybe Che Guevara will appear on my lampshade?
Just looks like a stain to me...

Image Of Micheal Jackson Appears on Tree Stump
The Need To Nose
Not to be outdone, Micheal Jackson has returned as a stump in South Carolina.
Fans have gathered and the Jackson family has rushed to the scene to charge for pictures.
The uncanny resemblance is remarkable enough, but fans say if you stick your ear up to where his nose should be you can actually hear the ocean!
To Honor the M.J. appearance in Oak,
J.C. Penney is having a Micheal Jackson Sale.
Yes, boys pants are half off!

Jabba the Rush Temple Now Open
The new temple is called "the Limbaugh-Hindenburg Temple".
To honor flaming Nazi gasbags ....and dirigibles.
That ain't incense they're burning.
But we've smelled this before.

New Christian Butcher Shop Opens
Come on down to Jesus's Butcher Shop.
Where they are always pleased to meat yor BBQ needs.
The owner is perplexed that his kosher
pork chops haven't found a market yet.
But his Matzoh of God soup sells well.
So do the Dead Sea Scones.
Reminder- Catholics are forbidden to use condiments by papal decree.
But everyone else has some ketch-up work to do.
On Tuesdays they have nothing butt rump roast.
(This is bringing out the wurst of the puns!)


Depressed? Join the club!

In The Interest Of Fairness, Here Are A Few Words From Idol Worshipers Who Requested A Rebuttal...
Right, Right, Right,Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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The Artless Dodger of Fatuity and Nebraska

NATIONAL BUFFOON PHOTO FUNNIES

What? Is life so cheap we use kid's hands to pave our streets?

Yes there are vacancies!

Is the fine really necessary?

I bet your mom told you one day you'd regret getting tattooed.

Well, yes, that would likely work.

Who wants to live in a "Crapi" apartment?

Tell The Truth Brother!

Testify!

No wonder it's half price.

I think not.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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