Major Mystical Merger - Methodists Merry, Muslims Miffed

By National Buffoon Religion Editor Father Elijah Fields

Two of the big three religions from the 'ol futile crescent vicinity have decided to merge holidays. Yes that's right, taking a cue from the world of finance with all it's mergers and aquisitions, a religion industry insider source has revealed there is proposal that is very likely to be announced shortly through official channels that Chanukah & Christmas will be merged into a single holiday. An unidentified source announced at a press conference moments ago that this deal has been in the works for about 1300 years.

"Oy To The World"

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of "HOLIDAY", as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being amongst the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will now be the more generic "Miraculous shit happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Muslims who feel the merger leaves Ramadan vulnerable to a hostile takeover.

The press conference ended with a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.