Inspiring Quotes

No doubt, reading these may be hazardous to mental health, but this collection of quotes from America's 'misunderestimated' anti-intellectual leadership is cause for laughter as well as tears and pain. Have a look!

1. "When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal." ~ Richard M. Nixon Yes you were!

2. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." ~ President George W. Bush

Dolt

3. "The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them." ~ Rush Limbaugh Dope

4.''My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don't know any better.'' ~ South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, arguing against government food assistance for poor residents.

Eugenics? What a buffoon!


5."The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews." ~ Jerry Falwell

Moron


6. ''Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.'' ~ Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-North Carolina)

Fool

7.''We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets." ~ Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele.

Mr. Potatohead


8."You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." ~ George W. Bush
9.''Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.'' ~ Rush Limbaugh

10."I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." ~ President George W. Bush

11."Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.'' ~ Rep. Michelle Bachmann

Batshit crazy

12.''The greatest threat to America is not necessarily a recession or even another terrorist attack. The greatest threat to America is a liberal media bias.'' ~ Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX)

13."He is purple - the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay pride symbol." ~ Jerry Falwell's warning to parents that "Tinky Winky," a character on Teletubbies, may be gay...

14."Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ~ Dan Quayle

15.''The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.'' ~ Pat Robertson

Mentally Ill

16."Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn't it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate." ~ Sarah Palin
17."'Refudiate,' 'misunderestimate,' 'wee-wee'd up.' English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!'" ~ Sarah Palin
18."Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant -- they're quite clear -- that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments." ~ Sarah Palin

Sphincter

19."What I don't know is what the unexpected might be." ~ John McCain
Doddering Old Fart

20."We have a lot of work to do. It's a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border." ~ John McCain (the countries share no common border)

21."I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix." ~ Dan Quayle

22."If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president.'' ~ Ann Coulter

P.O.S.

23.''I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence.'' ~ Rep. Michele Bachmann

24."We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say." ~ Ann Coulter

P.O.S.

25."I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." ~ George W. Bush

26."Do you have blacks, too?" ~ George W. Bush

27.''We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals.'' ~ Ann Coulter

28."When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." ~ Glenn Beck

29."I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." ~ George W. Bush

30. "Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries" ~ Ronald Reagan

31.''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.'' ~ Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

32."Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" ~ George W. Bush

33."Exercise freaks ... are the ones putting stress on the health care system." ~ Rush Limbaugh

34."As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." ~ George W. Bush

35."Good Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions." ~ Jerry Falwell

36."If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." ~ George W. Bush

37."I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan

38."Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them." ~ Jerry Falwell

39.''It may be a blessing in disguise. ... Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.'' ~ Pat Robertson

40."AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals." ~Jerry Falwell

41."Facts are stupid things." ~ Ronald Reagan

42."Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ~ George W. Bush

43."There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on --shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." ~ George W. Bush

44."Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." ~ George W. Bush

45."Trees cause more pollution than automobiles." ~ Ronald Reagan

46."This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." ~ George W. Bush



47."I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started." ~ Donald Rumsfeld

48."She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy! I am getting into spanking her… Yeah, I like it… I like spanking her. She goes, I know you like spanking me, I said yeah." ~ State Rep. Mike Duvall (R-Calif.) on a live mic referring to a lobbyist.

49."I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." ~ George W. Bush

50."I think I was unprepared for war." ~ George W. Bush

51. "If evolution is real, why can’t we go to the zoo and see monkeys evolving into human beings?" ~ Christine O'Donnell (unhinged teabag candidate for Delaware Senator).

52."American scientific companies are crossbreeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains". ~ Christine O'Donnell (anti-masturbating/witchcraft/evolution-is-a-myth teabag candidate for Delaware's Senate seat).

Douchebag

Vatican Rescinds `Blessed` Status of World`s Meek

By National Buffoon Vatican Correspondent Father O'Blivion

VATICAN CITY--In a historic reversal of its nearly
2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced
Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional
"blessed" status of the world`s meek.
"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, `Blessed are
the meek,`" said The Pope in a papal bull read
before the College of Cardinals. "However, there has always
been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek
that this `blessed` status was conditional upon their
inheritance of the Earth, an event which is unlikely to
happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship,
therefore, must be terminated."
"Screw the meek," the pope added.

"Screw the Meek" says Pope

Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by
the world`s downtrodden, the pope contended
that the meek`s historic inability to improve their worldly
status constituted "bad faith" on their part.
"Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for
them to inherit the earth," the Supreme Pontiff said. "For
years, they have whined and moaned and the Catholic Church has made every effort to console them, and what have we got from them in return? Enough is enough. We are patient,but we are not saints."

In an effort to attract better clientele German Beer and Hot Pretzels will replace wine and wafers.

Church Leaders Agree

Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.
"The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long
now," said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston as he pinned an alter boy in a half-nelson. "From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current
Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed
to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make
advances and improve their lives. They have collected the
Catholic Church`s spiritual welfare checks for long enough."
"Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to
their quiet demeanor to their utter lack of can-do spirit,
goes against Church philosophy," Cardinal Jean-Claude
Turcotte of Montreal said. "Sitting back and expecting the
Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the
Church should be rewarding its followers."
The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in
financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics,
though more than 80 percent of the world`s Catholics live
below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less
than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from
such people.
"The meek`s blessed status was originally bestowed upon them
by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His
gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner,"
the Pope said, "especially in light of the financial goals of
the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day
forward, the Church position shall be, `Blessed are the
affluent, for they have inherited the Earth.`"
In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core
demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican
officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels.
Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a
rustic-but-spacious suite and not a manger, with the
amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise
men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall
henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is
for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and in that
episode between Christ and those moneychangers in the temple...
the moneychangers kicked his ass and he admitted he was wrong.
From now on appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics
will be demanded by the church.

Nuns wielding rifles will be keeping the riff raff away from church properties.

"The religious community is a gated community" said Sister Sledge of St. Alphonso's Parrish.

According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new
Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with
blessedness and God`s everlasting love free of charge once a
nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an
additional fee, Catholics can become "Gold Circle" members of
the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness,
sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of
the Father upon death.
"We do not wish the Church to become completely
exclusionary,` Vittorio said. "If any of the former meek wish
to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it won`t
be a damned free ride, I can promise you that."

Improve Your Writing Skills

By National Buffoon Corespondent Rosetta Stone

Tips to improve your writing

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat!

NEWS- The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.