Bachmann Quits, World Sighs With Relief

 

Former VP Dick Cheney congratulates Congressman Bachmann on her failed 2012 presidental run while Bachmann herself crazily fixates on a bouncing potato off in the distance.

LOOK A SQUIRREL!

Michele "BatGuano" Bachmann  is the bat-shit-crazy transgendered United States Congresswoman from Minnesota's embarrassingly mentally deficient 6th District. Michele is a card-carrying member of the Republican Party who foolishly attempted to win the White House without any concept of where it might be. Her husband would have been the first gay first lady. Michele is also an avid reader of  Mein Kampf (which she claims was written by Jesus)  & Where's Waldo?  (Same idiotic claim).
 Bachmann was born in the rumble seat of a runaway bus during the worst nine-month-long blizzard in Minnesotan history. After this fact was discovered, the suicide rates in Minnesota rose by almost 9000%. Her father was Fonda Peters and deserted the family for a career as a door to door puppeteer.  Bachmann was allegedly abducted by hulking, 13 foot, gay aliens from the planet Splunk (identified in 1996 as 70 Virginis b) on her way home from gobbling corndogs at a football game. She was found the next day wandering in a cornfield, still in her rumpled and soiled cheerleader outfit, her hair and brain askew. She claimed that many strange football-shaped divots on her ankles were the result of medical experiments and fashion makeovers conducted on her by these gay aliens which are invisible to all but herself. This is generally believed to be the source of Michele Bachmann's rampant homophobia. The next event that was to leave a lasting impression and guide her path toward absurdity was an unexpected encounter with the Almighty God Himself. Michele Bachmann met God while playing miniature golf when she was only 42 years old, who spoke to her from the mouth of the big frog on the 18th hole. The frog told her that, quote, "A wet bird will definitely not fly backwards in the night. Are you a wet bird, Michele?". It was right there on that fateful Putt-Putt course that Destiny grabbed Michele by the tonsils and shook her until she agreed to immerse herself in the wonderful world of mixing lunacy with politics. Michele announced she would not seek re-election the day after polls indicated she'd lose anyway amidst half a dozen FBI investigations regarding misuse of campaign funds. Bat Guano futures declined sharply on the commodities market following the announcement. She will continue to receive huge farm subsidies for her 3 tomato plants and will no doubt continue to embarrass Minnesota in the future.

Monumental Stupidity

We have a consensus among the general population,
 that we would like to see those who were not born
 with fully functioning mental faculties achieve as much as they can in life.
 Aside from Eugenics fans ,
 programs that help the developmentally disabled 
are generally supported by most folks. 

It has become obvious however, that the Republican Party 
has taken this concept way too far. 
The GOP seeks out the dullest dullards 
and most blithering of idiots among them….. 
and selects them to occupy the highest political offices.

I suggest this is not conducive to a functional society.

Sadly, the average GOP voter can not spell “society,” 

let alone comprehend what might be bad for it. 

Why Do Republicans Gleefully Embrace Idiots as Candidates?

The question naturally begs a larger question: 
How can a nation, with the world’s highest national GDP, 
and extremely complex systems regulating everything from credit default swaps
 to nuclear missile safety, possibly allow onto its national stage
 men and women of such obvious inferior intellect?

One might say that there has been a long, pathetic history of anti-intellectual paranoia in American politics. This was documented  by author Richard Hofstadter in his book Anti-Intellectualism in American Life (1963).  You might say that It is like Cerberus, very difficult to defeat. You  chop off a head here or there and another one bites your ass.
No matter how advanced the U.S. becomes in technology, biomedicine, and weaponry, it only attracts a confederacy of dunces of ever decreasing skills and mental capacity as Presidential candidates. This has never been more apparent than this election cycle.

The first impression we might observe is that in Kindergarten, Americans are told that any citizen can grow up to be an astronaut, a millionaire basketball star, or President. Obviously this does not mean that simply any idiot can be an astronaut. It takes a wide range of skills, training, and experience to be considered for a space mission. Nor can any buffoon who buys  sneakers play basketball well.

In America the idea is promoted that no training or knowledge is required to perform a job that is not only more complicated and demanding than piloting spacecraft or being an athlete, but one which regulates these occupations and all sorts of other complex and nuanced occupations around the globe (including undercover agents in foreign lands).

You will do as you are told!

 It baffles me that you can attract a huge amount of support in this country precisely because you lack qualifications to be president. Such reasoning is, in effect, the raison d’etre of all so-called “outside-the-Beltway” campaigns of recent vintage. However, to fully grasp why inexperience, incompetence and outright stupidity has such an emotional hold on Republicans in particular, you have to understand a core principle of conservative orthodoxy: intelligence equates with moral relativism. Which is why, after twice-electing a genuine, but fatally corrupt, thinking person in Richard Nixon, the Republican Party moved away from its historically pragmatic approach in search of imbecilic ideologues. Naturally, this paved the way for conservative extremists, who, while short on brainpower— or perhaps BECAUSE they were short on brainpower, were long on rhetoric and deception. Republican voters have stuck to “party principles” like maggots to rotting meat. When I asked one conservative I know a few years ago how they could possibly support such an obvious dullard as George W. Bush,  they answered “Because I don’t trust the smart ones.”
  

"I am not a smart one!"

     Ronald Reagan became the first of many unambiguous dimwits to animate the corpse of the conservative  monster. Yes, with this post-Nixon strategy, the dwindling GOP intellectual fringe (historically held up by William Buckley, and arguably dieing when he died)  has had to stomach gasp-inducing ignorance of foreign policy basics (e.g., Sarah Palin not knowing that there is a North and South Korea, or her hysterical notion that Sputnik bankrupted the Soviet Union). But, at least they knew their standard-bearer was not going wishy-washy on them (i.e., thinking hard ).

This scheme worked so well with Reagan, it naturally attracted other knuckleheads. First came George Bush Sr.’s running mate, William Danforth Quayle, who promptly displayed his latent stupidity in public at every opportunity. He and his supporters took bold  stances against common sense, Murphy Brown (not even a real person), and spelling.  

The country as a whole was not sufficiently stupid enough yet to actually tolerate a presidential campaign from the likes of Quayle. But after two terms of an intelligent commander-in-chief, Bill Clinton, the country was sufficiently demoralized (not by the notion that a president had sex outside his marriage, after all that has been fairly common throughout the history of the office even though in past administrations this kind of personal crap was not considered newsworthy, but rather because for his entire 8 years some kind of witch hunt was always in progress thanks largely to serial adulterers Newt Gingrich and his page buggering colleagues discussing oral sex on every news outlet and Sesame Street.

America was now sufficiently brain damaged enough to manipulate into complete and utter idiocy.

Enter  Stage Right - George W. Bush, who, like Reagan, enjoyed two terms in office, despite beliefs in brazen poppycock such as Intelligent Design and in the whopper of all disastrous absurdities, that Saddam Hussein was not only Marshalling weapons of mass destruction to directly attack the U.S. (no, he was bluffing to deter his real enemy, neighboring Iran), but that he was also behind 9/11 (never let a good crisis go to waste, eh Mr. Cheney?). Only a true rube could ever believe such specious nonsense. And G.W. Bush – who exemplified the adage, “Never ascribe to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity” — fit the bill. The Republican Party loved him for it, bending over backwards to sanitize and “Hannitize” his many blunders, while selling his disinformation to a gullible American public, further brain damaged from the attacks of 9/11.

At last count, the Iraq Detour has cost this nation trillions of dollars (with more trillions to come, as this country rightfully must keep its commitment to care for wounded and mentally shell-shocked Iraq War veterans and their loved ones). It also cost the lives of 125,000 Iraqi civilians, and many times more than that who’ve been wounded or displaced by the Iraqi misadventure. All because of a lie and Americans’ willingness to either believe that lie or not forthrightly contest it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the empirical cost of stupidity.

Ron Zombie

 After the costly policy blunders of Bush, Jr. — for which this country is still paying dearly in lower credit ratings and draconian cuts in funding for parks, libraries, basic services, education, health, and more.  Our current president has had to spend his entire term cleaning up this Republican mess. However, for reasons racial, political, and anti-intellectual (President Obama is too cosmopolitan, uses words that are too big, he is too nuanced, too calm, too Europe-friendly, etc), Republicans have aggressively sought to cut Obama’s tenure short placing brinksmanship far ahead of economic recovery or the best interests of the country. Fortunately, this time around they lack a bona fide, morally unequivocal, conservative with enough general election appeal to take Obama on.
In this election, the 2012 "candidates" are not qualified to be scout leaders, or dog catchers. let alone be placed in charge of a nation with nuclear arms.
Each hopeful successor to the Republican Dumbass Throne (the most coveted RDT) has proven so cartoonishly dopey as to offend even the intelligence of diehard Iowa Republican primary voters, easily the most unbending conservatives in the U.S.
 

Monumental Stupidity

Celebrating stupidity IS an American exceptionalism, 

 I sure wish we’d do the hell away with it. 

There should be no pride in being deaf to reason, 

and insisting that day is night is not a reason to hold your head up proudly.

Republican voters ought to be truly appalled by what they’ve done, 

and what they’re still trying to do.

I’m sure they would be,

 if they weren’t all morons.

Buffoons On The March

Former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien discovers
that it's very hard to look cool if your in charge of the military
and you wear your helmet backwards.

"Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war."
- Donald Rumsfeld

"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."
- George W.Bush

"The difference between Sly Stallone and me is I am me, and he is him."
- Arnold SchwarzeneggerPardon me, but your Freudian slip is showing

Sometimes we have what is referred to as a Kinsley Gaffe or "Washington Gaffe".
Telling the truth by accident.
When a politician says something inadvertently in public
which he or she privately believes to be true,
but which he or she would ordinarily refrain from saying publicly
since he or she believes the statement would be politically harmful or damaging.
The term comes from journalist Michael Kinsley,
who famously said, "A gaffe is when a politician tells the truth."
He first coined the term in The Guardian on January 14, 1992.




"We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we're going to succeed"
--Ronald Reagan







"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Sept. 15, 1988


"I stand by all the mis-statements that I have made..."
-The American former Vice President Dan Quayle
has been a leading buffoon for quite a while now.
The man was born with his foot in his mouth.
"I have no problem communicating with Latin American heads of state
- though now I do wish I had paid more attention to Latin when I was at school."



On another occasion he told befuddled Western Samoans:
"You all look like happy campers to me.
Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been,
and as far as I am concerned, happy campers you always will be.
Then he told passing mourners at a funeral to "have a nice day".

Margaret Thatcher once addressed a meeting:
"It is marvelous to be back in Malaya"
The only trouble was that she was in Indonesia.

Kenneth Clarke, the former Tory Chancellor,
while addressing a group in Consett in March, 1995
said
"At Consett, you have got one of the best steelworks in Europe.
It doesn't employ as many people as it used to because it is so modern."
(The factory had closed it's doors in 1980.)
As if that weren't enough to convince the people of Consett
that Clarke knew little of their plight and cared less
he further insulted them by saying...
"Consett is also one of the major centers for disposable baby nappies (diapers)."
That factory had closed down four years before Mr Clarke made the speech.

U.S. President Nixon landed at a Norfolk air base in the late 1960s
and publicly praised "Prime Minister Macmillan".
Harold Wilson was Prime Minister.

Even Brits, who are known for keeping a stiff upper lip,
must find it trying to stay in form on occasions like these.
A year or two later, Marshal Tito, the Yugoslav leader arrived at Heathrow,
walked straight past Prime Minister Edward Heath,
who had his arm outstretched in welcome,
and shook hands, instead, with his baffled chauffeur.


James Watt,
an oil company lawyer,
who Ronald Reagan sardonically appointed Secretary of the Interior
said he had formed an advisory group comprising
"a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple - and we have talent".

Anyone not insulted yet?




The undefeated chump,
er,chimp,
um, champ...yes champ
of course needs little introduction.

The Former President G.W. Bush

"The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." -- Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

"And there is distrust in Washington.
I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town.
And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
--interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007


"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful,
and so are we.
They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we."
--Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

(watch the clip)



Bush also said
"You can fool some of the people all the time,
and those are the ones you want to concentrate on."


"The problem with the French is
that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
(entrepreneur, is of course; a French word.)



HEY REPUBLICANS!

DON'T FORGET TO DONATE TO THE BUSH LIBRARY!





Dear Fellow Constituent: The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.
The Library will include:

1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.


2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.


3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.


4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.


5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.

 

6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

10. The Iraq War Room.
(After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second,
third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)

 11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location,

complete with shooting gallery.

12. The Environmental Conservation Room,

still empty.

13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

14. The Airport Men’s Room,

where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board,

magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.  

The library will also include
many famous Quotes
enshrined on plaques
by
George W. Bush:


1. ‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.’\

2. ‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.’

3. ‘Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.’

4. ‘No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.’

5. ‘I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.’

6. ‘One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.’

7. ‘Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.’

8. ‘I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.’

9. ‘The future will be better tomorrow.’

10. ‘We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world..’

11. ‘One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.’
(during an education photo-op)

12. ‘Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.’

13. ‘We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'

14. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
--GWB at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C.


PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely,
Jack Abramoff:
Co-Chair
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

Though we are all mere buffoons passing through the sands of time,
some are nothing more, passing gas and wasting time.
Wouldn't recognize a glimpse of truth if it fell on them.
They are The Buffoons Extraordinaire.
The Elite Republican Guard of trumpery.
The laurel wreath of subnormal ignorance rests proudly on their swelled heads.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Your Ad Here

The Dangers of Solar Energy

By National Buffoon Science Editor I. M. Akook

Many progressive groups and individuals are proposing that government spend hard earned tax money on research and development of systems to utilize solar energy. They are urging construction of vast solar energy collectors to convert dangerous solar radiation into electricity to supply our energy needs. They would even put solar collectors on roofs of homes, factories, schools, and other buildings. Proponents of this technology claim that energy obtained from the sun will be safer and cleaner than coal, oil, or nuclear energy sources.

We view these proposals with alarm. Unscrupulous scientists and greedy promoters are hoodwinking the gullible public. We consider it rash and dangerous to commit our country to the use of solar energy. This solar technology has never been utilized on such a large scale, and there is no assurance of its long-range safety. Not one single study has been done to assess the safety of electricity from solar energy as compared to electricity from other sources! Not one!

The promoters of solar energy would have you believe that it is perfectly safe. Yet they conveniently neglect to mention that solar energy is generated by nuclear fusion! This process operates on the very same basic laws of nuclear physics used in nuclear power plants and atomic bombs!
And what is the source of this energy? It is hydrogen, a highly explosive gas (remember the Hindenberg?) Hydrogen is also the active material in H-bombs, that are not only tremendously destructive, but produce dangerous fallout! The glib advocates of solar energy don't even mention these disturbing facts about the true sources of solar energy. What else are they hiding from us?

In addition to the known dangers cited above, what about the unknown dangers, that very well might be worse? When pressed, scientists will admit that they do not fully understand the workings of the sun, or even of the atom. They will even grudgingly admit that our knowledge of the basic laws of physics is not yet perfect or complete. Yet these same reckless scientists would have us use this solar technology even before we fully understand how it works.

The evidence is already clear that too much exposure to sunlight can cause skin cancer. But solar collectors would concentrate that sunlight (that otherwise would have fallen harmlessly on waste land), convert it to electricity and pipe it into our homes to irradiate us from every light bulb! We would then not even be safe from this cancer-producing energy even in our own homes!
We all know that looking at the sun for even a few seconds can cause blindness. What long term health hazards might result from reading by light derived from solar energy? We now spend large amounts of time looking at the light from television monitors or computer screens, and one can only imagine the possible long-term consequences of this exposure when the screens are powered with electricity from solar collectors. Will we develop cataracts, or slowly go blind? Not one medical study has yet addressed itself to this question, and none are planned.
In their blind zeal to plug us in to solar energy, scientists seem to totally ignore possible fire hazards of solar energy. Sunlight reaching us directly from the sun at naturally safe levels poses little fire threat. But all one has to do is concentrate sunlight, with a simple burning- glass, and it readily ignites combustible materials. Who would feel safe with solar energy concentrators on their roof? Could we afford the fire insurance rates?
These scientists, and the big corporations that employ them, stand to profit greatly from construction of solar-power stations. No wonder they try to hide the dangers of the technology and suppress any open discussion of them.
 

Tokyo Knows All Too Well The Dangers Of Radiation

Proponents of solar energy present facts, figures and graphs to support their claim that energy from the sun will be less expensive, as conventional fuel supplies dwindle and technology of solar energy systems improve. But even if this is so, what will stop the solar energy equipment manufacturers and solar power companies from raising prices when they achieve a monopoly and other fuel sources disappear?
  We might be willing to tolerate some small risk—if solar energy really represented a permanent solution to our energy problems. But that is not the case. At best, solar energy is only a temporary band-aid. Recent calculations indicate that the Sun will go out in a billion years as its fuel runs out.  Wouldn't it be better to put our human resources and scientific brains to work to find a safer and more permanent solution to our energy needs?

Solar radiation may cause the human species to mutate!

2011-The Year In Review... Part One

2011 was the year of the Jackass

Before ringing in the new year which promises to be no better,

let us have a look at some of the events and the imbeciles that shaped the year.

 People In The News

  Perennial presidential candidate and Hair Club for Men spokes-model Donald Trump confirmed that the Donald is in possession of irrefutable evidence that President Obama is a Martian. Trump claimed he possessed  evidence linking Obama’s DNA to DNA found in a meteorite that crashed into Trump’s bathroom last week while the billionaire was being given a sponge bath by six prospective former employees. It's a little unclear why he has the president's DNA but it sure riled up a bunch of people who are convinced that President Obama is "different".

The meteorite destroyed a vase from the Ming Dynasty, prompting Trump to sue gravity.

 Trumps allegations prompted the former 1/2 term Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin to take time out from shooting things from a helicopter to record a video that she has posted on her Facebook page. In the video, Palin stops short of agreeing with Trump that Obama is a Martian but she does applaud Trump's firing everybody.
"The public wants the president to stop secretly bombing Libya, killing Bin Laden, and that other stuff he does and address these unsubstantial accusations from crazy megalomaniacs with delusions of grandeur."
a spokesman for Palin said.

Palin picks a winner in next years presidential race.

The Rapture Came And Went (Twice)
 Michele Bachmann, the legislator who is rated as the least truthful in all of congress, and who has the worst attendance record in congressional history decided to run for president.  She outlined her opposition to funding higher education, her commitment to the creation of "Tax Free Zones," where wealthy people could get off without paying taxes, her belief that the gays are trying to destroy her marriage, and the deep personal disappointment she feels in the wake of missing the Rapture. Straying from scripted remarks in which she discussed her position on the Founding Fathers' belief in a "free labor market" rather than a minimum wage, Bachmann broke down in tears at a rally in Davenport, Iowa.

Bachmann Left Behind

"Jesus, why have you forsaken me?" Bachmann called out, apparently to the sky. "I've done everything you ever asked. I've questioned the patriotism of non-borned again Christian Americans; I've equated same-sex marriage with a total cultural indoctrination of our children into a gay lifestyle. I even used the word "orgy" several times in discussing public spending. I've done everything I humanly could to bring about the End of Days. Where's my goddammed reward?"
These remarks followed the occurrence of the Rapture on May 21st, as prophesied by the severely retarded broadcaster Harold Camping. Bachmann, who has previously claimed that she had been "called" by God to run for Congress, and who was said to have been "really really excited about Judgment Day," was, according to aides, "absolutely crushed" by her failure to ascend.

Harold Camping, the smelly old codger who predicted the May apocolypse says he was “flabbergasted” that the rapture did not take him—so are we; well, not flabbergasted so much as disappointed. The fact that these religious wackjobs are still here is rather depressing I'm afraid. Despite his million dollar campaign and amazing “biblical math” predicting the end of the world, nothing of any remote interest happened the designated weekend, not even on TV.

But worry not, believers! Camping now says that Jesus did return this last weekend, only in an invisible form detectable by no one except himself.

And he told Camping the New End Of The World would be in October.

Which also came and went.

President Obama announced in May that Public Enemy #1, Osama bin Laden was killed on the evening of Sunday, May first. Obama praised the Special Forces team for the take down. Shortly after the news conference, former president George Bush claimed he was actually the one who took Bin Laden out.

 President Governs From Motel 6

 Due to foreclosure on the White House caused by the U.S. defaulting on a secret mortgage taken out by President George W. Bush while in office, The President now must govern from a Motel 6.
When contacted at his Texas ranch, Bush admitted to putting up the White House as collateral in 2003 to a bank which is based in Saudi Arabia. "Them sheiks over there in the desert had all kinds of money to loan me," Bush said. "I had two wars to pay for and the American people would've cried like babies if I raised taxes on them, I had no other choice." According to Bush, the stress of moving out of the White House in 2008 made him forget to tell Obama about the loan. "Man, I had Laura whining in my ear constantly while we packed our stuff," Bush said. "I meant to let Barack know, I guess it just slipped my mind or something."

Ahmed Hammoud, president of the Arab National Bank, said Obama, along with his wife and kids, have seven days to clear out of the residence."They had over two years to make a payment and they never did," Hammoud said. "Now the infidels.... Uh, I mean the Obama family, has one week to gather their belongings and permanently vacate the premises." 

White House now the "Infidel House

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said Obama will now conduct daily operations from a Washington D.C. area Motel 6. "A room there is all we can afford right now," Carney said. "Super 8 was an option too, but the TVs there don't have cable, just pay-per-view adult movies."

Justice Department to Prosecute Politicians Having Affairs in Lieu of Prosecutions of Bankers Responsible for Economic Meltdown

Sources at the D.O.J. have stated that Attorney General Eric Holder is “giddy with excitement” over prosecuting politicos who take pictures of their winkys and post them in e-mails, those who have affairs, or those who think about sex. When pressed about the costs of mass investigations into political expenditures related to love affairs and other legal, yet frowned-upon activities, the DOJ reluctantly admitted that “the money is limitless” and a single investigation could “theoretically last for an eternity, costing millions, though probably billions, of dollars.” In response to questions regarding the prosecution of the bankers who were responsible for the recent economic meltdown, the DOJ said “No, that would be too hard. We don’t even talk about that stuff.”

The United States Supreme Court, in a 5 to 4 ruling that in light of recent Court decisions came as no surprise, has concluded that under the First Amendment, money talks.  

Justice Anthony Scalia, writing for the majority in the  landmark decision Uncommon Greed Versus Common Good case, cited as legal precedent last year’s controversial Citizens United decision, which granted free speech protections to corporations. Scalia asserted that the Citizens United decision served as precedent in this case because, “Once corporations enjoy free speech protections, it is no great leap to pass along those same protections to money, as long as the principal of maximum equm bullhornium (more equals louder) applies. That is to say, the larger the denomination, the louder it talks, so that a dollar bill is one hundred times louder than a penny, and a one hundred dollar bill is one hundred times louder than a dollar bill, and a million dollars practically screams ‘legislation legalizing mercury in corn flakes’ – which is why I’m totally switching to raisin bran.”

Speaking from the bench for the liberal minority, Justice Sonia Sotomayor expressed her frustration with the narrow decision. “If the majority truly believe that it was the Founding Fathers’ intent that money talks, then they must also accept the corollary principal that bullshit walks, which means that from this day forward bullshit is permanently mobile and, as such, is subject to the scalias dumbassius application of the law which, by defining free speech as money, legally requires that the more I speak, the more money I shall be paid. Well? Here I am, a wise motor mouth and I want my damn money!”

Legal scholars were stunned by the scope of today’s decision. Unfortunately, none of them could be quoted for this article because none of them is filthy rich. However, British Petroleum, Dow Chemical, Halliburton, The NFL and Exxon-Mobil all released EXTREMELY LOUD STATEMENTS applauding the Court’s wisdom. 

 TSA Unveiled New Security Screening Device

Steely Dan

The Transportation Security Administration unveiled a new device intended to be used for advanced security screening measures in airports across the United States. A TSA spokesperson claims the oddly-shaped electronic tool will greatly increase “travel safety, passenger satisfaction, security efficiency, and passenger satisfaction.” The device, nicknamed “Steely Dan" by TSA staffers, is a 12” bullet-shaped electrical device with an internal vibration-creating gyro. TSA officials have not yet announced how the device will be used, though regional TSA Director John Rubright claims “it will penetrate the field of security in ways that none of our other intrusive scans could ever dream of.” Passengers will be asked to sit on the device, and any weapons or explosive materials on their person will simply rattle out onto the floor,” claims Dr. Willie B. Hardigan. “It may also massage the passenger and make them feel more at ease, which may result in better intelligence-gathering efforts.”  One variety of the security device was intended to be used in conjunction with a small rubber ball connected to leather straps which would attach to the suspect's head in some way. But most of the documents we've obtained using the Freedom of Information Act contain largely redacted material so we can't be certain how the device will be used.
 Other departments of Homeland Security may also begin using variants of the TSA's equipment before the end of the year. Currently, researchers are said to still be “vigorously testing prototypes"

.For the first time in the history of the United States,

the approval rating of Congress literally turned negative.

Congress' approval rating is now at -3 percent.
Voters were apparently very upset over their causing huge drops in the stock market and a credit downgrade by Standard & Poor's. Commentators were shocked at the reported number and were at a loss to explain it. "This is the lowest approval rating ever received by anything," stated Frank Newport, editor-in-chief of the Gallup Poll. "By way of comparison, cancer reliably polls in the 1 to 2 percent range."

"Man, I remember those good old days when only two-thirds of Americans hated our guts," reminisced Democratic Congressman John Dingell, currently the longest-serving member of the House of Representatives. "Then again, I only made $50,000 back in the 1970s. I can't retire on your approval ratings, but I sure as hell can live a sweet life on my awesome pension! Ha !"
Academics have been pouring over this new polling data, attempting to explain how an approval rating could actually turn negative, an event many mathematicians thought was impossible.
"In any random sample of people selected to participate in a poll, you are bound to find your fair share of criminals, sexual deviants and other people who are family members of a Congressman," said Newport in a phone interview. "In the past, these people loved the dysfunctional, psychotic behavior typically displayed in Congress. However, even these people are now fed up with their actions."
Indeed, pollsters have discovered that things have become so bad that people who are usually too lazy or apathetic to give an opinion are now voting multiple times in the same poll.

It's nice that people are really starting to participate in the political process, even if it's just to say how much they hate the political process.
Things fail to look any better when the polling data is broken down for each individual Congressman. Indeed, there was only one Congressman who received a positive approval rating, former Oregon Representative David Wu, who resigned earlier after admitting to a sexual scandal with an 18-year-old woman.  "It seems voters were willing to overlook his transgression, reasoning that any person who voluntarily leaves Congress must ultimately be an honorable person," stated Newport.

However, some politicians were reluctant to draw any conclusions from the new poll, believing that things are actually much better than they seemed.

Yeah, I'm hearing all this talk about our record-low approval rating," said House Speaker John Boehner in a press conference at the Capitol. "But what all these articles don't tell you is that the margin of error in the poll is 4 percent. We could easily have a 1 percent positive approval rating, but reporters never bother to report that information. I am simply disgusted by the sensationalism displayed today by most journalists, people who are always trying to put a negative spin on everything and twist the facts to support their own agenda. Boehner, who will be appearing in a Viagra commercial early next year,  then began to weep like a 2 year old.

Presidential Candidate Rick Perry Declares Constitution Unconstitutional

Rick Perry announced to an audience of enthusiastic supporters that the United States Constitution was unconstitutional and must be repealed immediately. "It is an absolute travesty that this country has allowed such a blatantly illegal law to exist for over 200 years," said Perry at a city park in the capital of Des Moines. "But if you elect me President, my first act will be to burn that piece of trash to ashes and return us to the principles that once made this country great."
In recent weeks, Perry has voiced his frustration with specific elements of the government. He called the Social Security program an unconstitutional Ponzi scheme, and he even attacked certain elements of the Bill of Rights, including the 13th amendment. "If I want to sell myself into slavery, that's my right as a freedom-loving American," said Perry in a speech to the Congressional Black Caucus last week.

Apes Rise, Take Over Banana Republican Party

 
A spokeschimp for the Banana Republicans made it clear that apes are in no mood to bargain with humans over the division of power in Washington. Speaking through an interpreter, the spokeschimp said, “Oooh oooh oooh, ahhh ahhh ahhh, eeee eeee eeee, grrrrrr!”


Congress angered over President's jobs bill, 

claim their jobs aren't protected!
I don't think it's fair that the title of Congressperson has no real job security associated with it,” explained House Speaker John Boehner. “You'd think we could find a non-partisan resolution to this issue that will keep Congress employed here at least another 20 years.”

  

“This is so typical of Obama,” said House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. “He has no respect for wealthy people, like us Congressmen. I'm sure he'd much rather see Congress filled with, you know, common sleazy peaople. I'm sorry to break this to you, Mr. President, but the American people don't want sleaze-balls on the hill. No one should hold office who hasn't drank at least two or three glasses of wine that cost as much as an economy car.”  “We're the job creators,” Cantor continued, chugging from a bottle of $4,350 wine brought to him by a Congressional Page he then proceeded to rape. “I mean, okay, yes, we haven't actually created any jobs in the Congress. And yes, you could build a pretty strong case that tax breaks for the wealthy have never once created a single job. But still, we're job creators! If you drive a Lotus sports car, you aren't riding around in a flower. The Philadelphia Eagles don't have a bunch of birds running around on the field. Why can't we call ourselves `job creators' without actually having done anything to create jobs?”
Other members of Congress are upset at the new jobs bill for other reasons as well. “If this bill of [President Obama's] actually works, his polling numbers will shoot through the roof,” said Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. "Fuck that!"