A Concession speech we couldn't be happier to make!
We extend our hearty congratulations to PRESIDENT OBAMA! We know that he will represent us well and save America from the Zombie Brain eaters. If you have a shelf in your cabinet for us we'll be glad to oblige. This would be much longer but we are too busy celebrating your victory. We are proud to welcome you as our new leader. May we never forget that this victory truly belongs to all of us. All of us who believed this was possible!
A couple suggestions- Tear down this wall! And be true to yourself!
"America ya' done good!"
It's hard to fathom all that this great moment in history symbolizes. But here is one of them.
May the coming years reverse the harm, and lift our spirits. I Believe America is now back on the path!
Ladies and gentlemen, the stakes couldn't be higher and the choices couldn't be clearer. With international relations strained, the middle class shrinking, the solvency of banks highly questionable, jobless rates climbing, a stock market unstable at best, blatant corruption running amuck, a berserk cabal of donors and cronies appointed to offices they have no qualifications for, the gross incompetence of government demonstrated at all levels, a climate crisis, an energy crisis, an antiquated crumbling infrastructure, the very foundation of government itself-the U.S. constitution being undermined by those sworn to protect and serve it. Let alone the fact that the next president will inherit the task of resolving an unpopular occupation, the continuously shifting rationale for which; has no justification.
The debates are brought to you tonight by: And America's Future (And we are for bringing back 18th century dentistry too!)
This is the most anticipated political debate since 3:00 eastern standard time. And the candidates want their positions on these burning issues clear! (Candidates have shown up for the free cocktails and hors d'vours.) So without further delay let's meet the candidates!
Senators Barack Obama and Joseph Biden!
Hello and thank you for this opportunity to share ideas.I learned as a child growing up in different placeswith people who had differing ideasthat we share certain aspirations regardless of differences.This is the driving force that has animated my political journey.Amid the partisanship and bickering of today's public debate,I still believe in the ability to unite people around a politics of purpose -a politics that puts solving the challenges of everyday Americansahead of partisan calculation and political gain.Joe and I believe strongly that the middle class has takenthe brunt of the storm and must now be top priority in any economic discussion.We welcome this discussion and look forward to sharing our views on policy with each of you.Thank you for having us.
Next, here is John McCain and his Vice President.... (From behind the curtains)-Psst, Psst, get out of the picture! Get baacckk, no one's supposed to see you! Oops. Er, um, ladies and gentlemen... John McCain and his running mate...
John, didn't you get Rove's memo?
Er, well then, here's John McCain and his running mate... Sarah Who?
Heh ,Heh, Heh, turn that dagburn camera off! We got some important "organizin' " to do. Hey wots your name , wanna see my etchings?Heh, Heh, Heh,
And of course, welcome the internet front runners! Tehranchik and Radio Free Europa!
Our flag pins are enormous! (deafening applause!)
Our moderator this evening is National Buffoon Washington Correspondent Dick Wood. (applause) Good evening and I'm honored to welcome our studio audience, our distinguished candidates, and indeed everyone watching at home or listening to these hysterical debates on this moronic occasion. And I don't want any guff outa any of you mugs!
Earlier tonight we asked each candidate to polish off a bottle of Mezcal . The first to do so, including the worm of course; would go first in tonight's debate. Our 1st question this evening goes to Radio Free Europa, who guzzled the liter in just under 3 minutes. Which may be incidentally a new world record.
Tell us RFE, what do you think most qualifies you to lead this nation?
RFE: My co-president and I have been fighting the forcesof corporatism, oligarchy, fascism and war profiteeringfor many years, and in today's unstable worldthe capability to drink the other world leaders under the tableis of the utmost importance. How else will we regain respect around the globe? America simply cannot allow other countries deceptions of mass consumption. In nations that don't allow alcohol, we are equally adept atwhichever substance the locals choose to consume and if not,we have experts that can step in on day 1. In fact we have discovered the secret of the time space continuum. In our leisure moments, you see; we constructed a device that allows us to travel into the future. My fellow humans, we are the ONLY candidates whowill be ready before day 1! (cheers, applause)
Thanks to their time traveling contraption, RFE and Tehranchick are already waiting for the rest of us on day one at the White House!
Dick Wood- A very convincing argument, of course Tehranchik virtually tied RFE in the Mezcal consumption test. Now who's next? So let's see it looks like...Joe Biden!Joe has finished the Mescal and eaten the worm.Let's see that's just under 2 hours, not bad...not bad at all chum.So my question for you is Do you now, or have you ever believed in Sasquatch? Dick Wood- No, that is the question viewers around the country are asking. Does Joe Biden believe in Sasquatch?
Joe Biden- Well I can't say I have ever seen him, but maybe he's that fellow who keeps sending out e-mails claiming all kinds of nasty untruths about my running mate.Or is that Lieberman?It sure isn't Olberman, I don't think it's pokemon.Was John the Egg-man?Hey you got any more of this stuff?Now that Dick Morris fellow, you know, I have seen him go after beef jerky like those commercials.Hmmm. He may be Sasquatch... anyway I do know how many houses I own (one) and you won't need to get back to my staff on that! (chuckle)
Dick Wood- Very good Senator. Let's see, looks like Governor Palin has also finished her bottle.My question for Palin is: what would you do to improve America'simage in the world?
Uh, I would turn America into a gated community.
Dick Wood- How so Governor?
Palin- I would remodel it many times of course, but just like I did back in my home state, I'd bring all kinds of "gates" to the VP office if someone tells me where it is and what you do there.
1) GermanInvasionGate
2) WaterbreakGate
3) AdulteryGate
4) PotGate
5) CarWashGate
6) MethLabGate
7) TexasHoldEmGate
8) CollegeGate
9) NationalGuardGate
10) SeparatistGate
11) DrivingTownIntoDebtGate
12) LobbyistGate
13) EarmarkGate
14) TrooperGate
15) LibraryGate
16) JewsForJesusGate
17) PrayForPipelineGate
18) SuicideCultGate
19) PrivatePlaneGate
20) DominionistGate
I got a million of um - a cha cha cha. BURP! And you communities out there with your organizers an yerr activists... I'm arial huntin' yer soory butts! I'm a bottomless pit of bull and my God is better than yer God. Hic!
Dick Wood- I see, and Senator Obama you have not finished your Mezcal nor has Senator McCain.
Obama- Well Dick, I'm afraid I'm something of a sipper but I think if I were in fact president I would be interested in having RFE and Tehranchik in the cabinet.Their diplomatic skills are obvious.
McCain- My friends, I am undergoing a series of procedures that will allow me to exist as a soulless un-dead hirudinean parasite forever similar to Dick Cheney... Dracula......Darth Vader... all those big guys! However it seems when they removed my heart and brain they took my liver too. I can no longer drink, eat, sleep, or basically do the things that make one human. My new Rovian brain connects me directly tothe lobbyists and flim flam artists that paint the GOP landscape. I am forced to do their bidding.And soon, all of you will be our puppets too!Dance consumers! Dance I say! Resistance is futile!
Time's up McCain, I didn't address you yet anyway. Senator Obama my question to you sir is what will you do about the economy?
Obama-“The cost of our debt is one of the fastest growing expenses in the federal budget. This rising debt is a hidden domestic enemy, robbing our cities and states of critical investments in infrastructure like bridges, ports, and levees; robbing our families and our children of critical investments in education and health care reform; robbing our seniors of the retirement and health security they have counted on. . . . If Washington were serious about honest tax relief in this country, we'd see an effort to reduce our national debt by returning to responsible fiscal policies.” I would install a pay as you go policy, keep taxes fair, especially for middle class families who have taken the real hit in the Bush economy. I would close loopholes and subsidies to corporations who don't need welfare from tax payers and cease tax rewards for moving jobs overseas. All bills will be transparent to the public, if anyone submits pork barrel earmarksit must pass public scrutiny. By simply closing loopholes in offshore tax havens we would have 300 billion more dollars a year. This is not a new tax, but simply one that is legitimately owed, one that ordinary citizens pick up the tab for currently. These are a few of my proposals.
Dick Wood - This sounds intriguing, O.K . McCain, here's your question.Who let the dogs out?
McCain- I know this one um Obama did, he let them out!And he's the most pro canine man in the congress! He'll tax and spend and build a Mosque right on the White House! Dick Wood - No I'm afraid the correct answer is "woof, woof, woof, woof".
McCain- You gave me the hard question! This is proof of media liberalism!
Dick Wood- Right, bite me. But seriously didn't you just hear Senator Obama say he would lower taxes on 95% of Americans? And surely you know Obama is a Christian.
McCain- I don't care about truth, I care about getting selected! Joe Lieberman will build a temple on top of that Mosque!
Palin- I'll build a megachurch on top of that Synagogue!
McCain- And I'll build a McDonalds on top of that megachurch!
The McCain-Palin White House Tehranchik- What about the separation of church and state?There's more talk about religion in this campaign than the economy, the Iraq occupation,and all the other issues combined!
Palin- Why you ******** liberrral you! Jesus didn't come here on the Mayflower to discover this country and write our constitution just for you to make these outrageous claims. No, he came here to subjugate the meek, make a wad of dough, kill all homos and the races except mine , and cover every last sq. foot of this country with seepage from his holy oil derricks! It sez so right in de bible!
Dick Wood- Governor, your lack of knowledge of history is astounding!
Palin- Thank you!
Tehranchik- As you know my running mate Radio Free Europa and I have a history of fighting for truth, justice, and the American way.Over the years the threat of brain eating zombies has beenone of our toughest conflicts to deal with. Will the voters elect a brain eating zombie to the VP office?
Palin- I said thanks but no thanks to eating the voters brains.
RFE- How then do you explain your appearance on the cover of Zombiepolitan?
McCain -Drats! Curses! Foiled again! Rove assured me that was scrubbed from public access! OK sure she's a brain eating zombie hosting the Cheney parasite, but ... oh who am I kidding?
Quick Sarah, we have to get in the getaway rocket. We've got to beat it! Cheese it!
This is a satirical story, some of Obama's comments are actually from published speeches. Everything else is fictional.....or is it?
A Concession speech we couldn't be happier to make!
"America ya' done good!"
May the coming years reverse the harm,
