National Buffoon Campaign Update

ELECTION NEWS

McCain Inexplicably beat himself senseless today at a GOP rally

Assimilated Press,Wankerville,Texas- Today, John McCain, standing before a crowd of some of the nations leading imbeciles accused Washington insiders and lobbyists of being responsible for the nation's financial woes. He then proceeded to beat himself to pulp for being a Washington insider and surrounding himself with a team of lobbyists. The local Fire Marshall said the hall held 500 people but the McCain Campaign estimated the crowd to be 50 gazillion.

Before being escorted out by "fine young men in their clean white coats" McCain poked Carly Fiorina in the eyeball. "That's for saying I couldn't deflate the value of HP by 60% like you did Carly" said McCain.
"I got mine!" Carly cried while clinging to her golden parachute.

The supporters at the McCain rally cheered and lit their crosses.
Yipee! Hoot! Hoot! Now I'm going home to cut and paste Hannity and Limbaugh BS on the internets.

Palin Flips Justice The Bird
Palin refuses to co operate with independent investigators
regarding Trooper-Gate.
"Up yours America!"

Having been coached by Bush operatives running the McCain Campaign
Palin and her "first dude" defied subpoenas to testify in the bipartisan Trooper-gate investigation. (So that is what VPs do!)
How long before she starts shooting people in the face?
Cheney claimed that the Vice President was a separate 4th branch of government-
that it was autonomous and immune from justice dept. scrutiny.
Now with special GOP trainin' we are expected to believe candidates for that office and their spouses are immune as well? Seems like a stretch, but unlike the supply of oil, the gullibility of an appreciable number of Americans is limitless.

THE ECONOMY
WTF?


Obama and Biden watched in disbelief as McCain
inserted his foot in his mouth over and over again.
They spent the bulk of the week responding to claims by the McCain Campaign that they are lesbian communist mutants from a moon of an undiscovered planet named
Muslimia that orbits McCain's ass (which is where he pulls most everything he says out of). The Obama campaign was uncertain how to respond to McCain's latest smear ad that claims Biden and Obama are really the Republicans and that McCain and Palin are not really insane.

Despite their false claims of deathly fear of socialism,
the GOP cheered as Bush socialized the banking system.
Resisting common sense simple regulations of any kind for many years, the "deregulatin' " GOP successfully allowed their greed mad donors to run amok on Wall Street creating a complete meltdown. They then basically nationalized the banking system to cover the "reckless bets" of corporate lackeys at the expense of trillions of dollars from the U.S. treasury. Now Americans can use their currency for toilet paper and actually save money, as toilet paper is now far more valuable.

RFE and Tehranchik's Flag pins are still the biggest!

Meanwhile Tehranchik was kidnapped by a giant monkey from the RFE/Tehranchik campaign central offices in an attempt to thwart democracy.

The day was saved by RFE when he was able to rescue Tehranchik from the clutches of the GOP. Both of candidates have spent the last week continuing to fight the brain eating zombies that are being created by McCain and Palin.

Remember folks, only brain eating zombies vote for McCain!RFE and Tehranchik-The only candidates that keep you
safe and secure from Brain eating Zombies.

GOPLAND
After destroying the middle class, Main street, Wall street, (basically everything but a few mansions on Easy street). The GOP set their sites on turning the country into a theme park.
That's right, the USA is now officially a third rate cheesy amusement park for the entertainment of the few who can afford admission.
Welcome to GOPLAND folks!
Let's have a look at some of the featured rides.


Rollercoaster thrills abound with the worlds biggest steepest drop designed by the top GOP engineers.

Enter if you dare!
The scariest ride in the park.
(Riders may get more than a little wet in the waterboarding section.)
Separate admission is charged for Cheney's Dark ride. The fee must be deposited in a blind trust in an offshore tax dodging account.

Hell of a ride, Brownie.
The GOPLAND's version of the venerable Log Flume
is now open.
Ride attendants have been trained to entirely ignore drowning riders.

McCain's "Wizard Of Asinine"
3D Experience

The ride is identical to Bush's "Wizard Of Crap" located in the adjacent theater.


GOPLAND's
Butt Pirates Of the Caribbean
Sometimes called Mr. Craig's Wild Ride
The lines are often long for this ride,
it's very popular among GOP Senators and councilmen alike!

For lighter entertainment be sure to visit:
The Arcane Arcade
Good old fashioned GOP (Manson) Family Values games to play.



For The Kids
C'mon over to Mr. Veepee's White House Puppet Theater.
It's a laugh a minute.
In a modern retelling of the Pinnochio story, a wooden headed puppet
becomes animated when appointed president.


Ride The
GOPLAND Merry Go Round.

If your not getting enough spin from Mainstream media,
hop your butt up on one of these nice liitle hobby horses.
The GOP loves Kids! Ask Foley. or any of these clowns.


The KKKiddie Ferris Wheel
This ride only spins to the right.

The Main Attraction
Hop onboard the "Terrist Express" for thrills and chills
unlike anything you've ever seen before.
This is the ride that has voters coming back time and time again.
There is nothing like it!

You can be sure there will be some new features added to this popular attraction soon. Nothing distracts voters attention from issues like the nation becoming a 3rd world toilet quite like a good old sabre rattlin'!

Don't forget to bring the kids to the snack bar!
Lots o' tasty treats for everyone!
The snack bar is sponsored by Home Depot.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Your Ad Here

It's The Stupid Economy!

The Stock Market dropped over 500 points.
McCain's response?
The economy is "fundamentally sound"!
The same infamous phrase Herbert Hoover used
reacting to to the historic crash of 1929.

The economy is stupid!
One need not be a Wall Street wizard
or hold a PHD in economics
to understand that some things have intrinsic value
and some things don't.
Aside from the obvious shenanigans in the mortgage industry,
the idea that the fox must be trusted to guard the chicken coop
is plain wrong.

American's reduced to standing in soup lines to survive in the 1930s

History has a nasty habit of repeating itself when people ignore it's lessons.
What caused the great depression?
In the 1920's a stock market boom-bubble in the U.S. was powered by generic optimism. The The businessmen and economists were convinced that the invention of the Federal Reserve would stabilize and guide the economy, that expanding markets were guaranteed. People, by and large
felt their standard of living was safe or would improve.
In 1928 and 1929 speculators were creating artificial bubbles
in the Stock Market, driving prices up.
(sound familiar?)
The Federal Reserve raised interest rates in an effort to curb speculation.
This caused the initial recession.

Workers stood idle because firms would not hire them.
Firms would not hire workers because there was no market for their goods.
There was no market for goods because workers had no incomes to spend.
Workers had no income because they had no jobs....
on and on....

At some point,
in the US, an uncomfortable unspoken agreement was struck.
Business recognized that unless there was a healthy middle class,
no one would be buying their goods.
This bargain has been breached in recent years.
The US workers were tossed aside
in favor of inexpensive labor elsewhere.
Public and environmental safeguards
have been avoided by manufacturing in nations that have no such laws.
When the lack of laws protecting consumers becomes evident-
as in tainted pet food, poison infant formula, lead paint on children's toys,
firms wring their hands of responsibility and blame
the workers in those countries whom they are exploiting.
What Americans need to understand is that
despite the short lived profits from cheap labor and shoddy goods,
the future is being sold at a cut rate price.
The idea is to take 95% of Americans
who we call the middle class,
and reduce their standard of living to match the 3rd world.
Only a very few benefit from that,
and only very temporarily.


The American middle class shares the same fate as the polar bear.

McCain admitted he knows nothing about economic matters.
The fellow he appointed to write his economic policy
was Phil Graham - one of those most directly responsible
for the current meltdown on Wall Street.
(the same miscreant elitist
who said America's middle class were a bunch of whiners)
BTW, if McCain by his own admission knows nothing about economics,
why was he on the commerce committee?
Even if he knew nothing before that, didn't he pay any attention while he
"served" on that committee?

Believing the very politicians who fought for the conditions that caused the economy to fail
are going to fix it is simply insane.

"The future will be better tomorrow." -George W. Bush
I think, for once, I agree with him.

DEMOCRACY INACTION - The Presidential Debate

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
RETURNING SOON!

Ladies and gentlemen, the stakes couldn't be higher and the choices couldn't be clearer.
With international relations strained, the middle class shrinking, the solvency of banks
highly questionable, jobless rates climbing, a stock market unstable at best,
blatant corruption running amuck, a berserk cabal of donors and cronies
appointed to offices they have no qualifications for,
the gross incompetence of government demonstrated
at all levels, a climate crisis,
an energy crisis, an antiquated crumbling infrastructure,
the very foundation of government itself-the U.S. constitution
being undermined by those sworn to protect and serve it.
Let alone the fact that the next president will inherit
the task of resolving an unpopular occupation,
the continuously shifting rationale for which;
has no justification.

The debates are brought to you tonight by:
And
America's Future
(And we are for bringing back 18th century dentistry too!)

This is the most anticipated political debate since 3:00 eastern standard time.
And the candidates want their positions on these burning issues clear!
(Candidates have shown up for the free cocktails and hors d'vours.)
So without further delay let's meet the candidates!

Senators Barack Obama and Joseph Biden!

Hello and thank you for this opportunity to share ideas. I learned as a child growing up in different places with people who had differing ideas that we share certain aspirations regardless of differences. This is the driving force that has animated my political journey. Amid the partisanship and bickering of today's public debate, I still believe in the ability to unite people around a politics of purpose - a politics that puts solving the challenges of everyday Americans ahead of partisan calculation and political gain. Joe and I believe strongly that the middle class has taken the brunt of the storm and must now be top priority in any economic discussion. We welcome this discussion and look forward to sharing our views on policy with each of you. Thank you for having us.

Next, here is John McCain and his Vice President....
(From behind the curtains)-Psst, Psst, get out of the picture!
Get baacckk, no one's supposed to see you!
Oops.
Er, um, ladies and gentlemen...
John McCain and his running mate...

John, didn't you get Rove's memo?

Er, well then,
here's John McCain and his running mate... Sarah Who?

Heh ,Heh, Heh, turn that dagburn camera off!
We got some important "organizin' " to do.
Hey wots your name , wanna see my etchings? Heh, Heh, Heh,


And of course, welcome the internet front runners!
Tehranchik and Radio Free Europa!

Our flag pins are enormous!
(deafening applause!)


Our moderator this evening
is National Buffoon Washington Correspondent
Dick Wood.
(applause)
Good evening and I'm honored to welcome
our studio audience, our distinguished candidates,
and indeed everyone watching at home
or listening to these hysterical debates
on this moronic occasion.
And I don't want any guff outa any of you mugs!

Earlier tonight we asked each candidate to polish off a bottle of Mezcal .
The first to do so, including the worm of course;
would go first in tonight's debate.
Our 1st question this evening goes to
Radio Free Europa,
who guzzled the liter in just under 3 minutes.
Which may be incidentally a new world record.

Tell us RFE, what do you think most qualifies you to lead this nation?

RFE:
My co-president and I have been fighting the forces of corporatism, oligarchy, fascism and war profiteering for many years, and in today's unstable world the capability to drink the other world leaders under the table is of the utmost importance.
How else will we regain respect around the globe?
America simply cannot allow other countries deceptions of mass consumption.
In nations that don't allow alcohol,
we are equally adept at whichever substance the locals choose to consume
and if not, we have experts that can step in on day 1.
In fact we have discovered the secret of the time space continuum.
In our leisure moments, you see;
we constructed a device that allows us to travel into the future.
My fellow humans, we are the ONLY candidates
who will be ready before day 1!
(cheers, applause)

Thanks to their time traveling contraption,
RFE and Tehranchick are already waiting for the rest of us
on day one at the White House!

Dick Wood- A very convincing argument, of course Tehranchik virtually tied RFE in the Mezcal consumption test. Now who's next? So let's see it looks like...Joe Biden! Joe has finished the Mescal and eaten the worm. Let's see that's just under 2 hours, not bad...not bad at all chum. So my question for you is
Do you now, or have you ever believed in Sasquatch?

Dick Wood- No, that is the question viewers around the country are asking.
Does Joe Biden believe in Sasquatch?

Joe Biden- Well I can't say I have ever seen him, but maybe he's that fellow who keeps sending out e-mails claiming all kinds of nasty untruths about my running mate. Or is that Lieberman? It sure isn't Olberman, I don't think it's pokemon. Was John the Egg-man? Hey you got any more of this stuff? Now that Dick Morris fellow, you know, I have seen him go after beef jerky like those commercials. Hmmm. He may be Sasquatch... anyway I do know how many houses I own (one)
and you won't need to get back to my staff on that!
(chuckle)

Dick Wood- Very good Senator. Let's see, looks like Governor Palin has also finished her bottle. My question for Palin is:
what would you do to improve America's image in the world?


Uh, I would turn America into a gated community.

Dick Wood- How so Governor?


Palin- I would remodel it many times of course,
but just like I did back in my home state,
I'd bring all kinds of "gates" to the VP office
if someone tells me where it is and what you do there.

• 1) GermanInvasionGate
• 2) WaterbreakGate
• 3) AdulteryGate
• 4) PotGate
  
• 5) CarWashGate
• 6) MethLabGate
• 7) TexasHoldEmGate
  
• 8) CollegeGate
  
• 9) NationalGuardGate
• 10) SeparatistGate
• 11) DrivingTownIntoDebtGate
• 12) LobbyistGate
• 13) EarmarkGate
• 14) TrooperGate
  
• 15) LibraryGate
  
• 16) JewsForJesusGate
• 17) PrayForPipelineGate
• 18) SuicideCultGate
• 19) PrivatePlaneGate
• 20) DominionistGate

I got a million of um - a cha cha cha. BURP! And you communities out there with your organizers an yerr activists... I'm arial huntin' yer soory butts! I'm a bottomless pit of bull and my God is better than yer God. Hic!

Dick Wood- I see, and Senator Obama you have not finished
your Mezcal nor has Senator McCain.

Obama- Well Dick, I'm afraid I'm something of a sipper but I think if I were in fact president I would be interested in having RFE and Tehranchik in the cabinet. Their diplomatic skills are obvious.

McCain- My friends, I am undergoing a series of procedures that will allow me to exist as a soulless un-dead hirudinean parasite forever similar to
Dick Cheney... Dracula......Darth Vader... all those big guys!
However it seems when they removed my heart and brain they took my liver too.
I can no longer drink, eat, sleep, or basically do the things that make one human.
My new Rovian brain connects me directly to the lobbyists and flim flam artists that paint the GOP landscape. I am forced to do their bidding. And soon, all of you will be our puppets too! Dance consumers! Dance I say! Resistance is futile!

Time's up McCain, I didn't address you yet anyway.
Senator Obama my question to you sir is
what will you do about the economy?

Obama-“The cost of our debt is one of the fastest growing expenses in the federal budget. This rising debt is a hidden domestic enemy, robbing our cities and states of critical investments in infrastructure like bridges, ports, and levees; robbing our families and our children of critical investments in education and health care reform; robbing our seniors of the retirement and health security they have counted on. . . . If Washington were serious about honest tax relief in this country, we'd see an effort to reduce our national debt by returning to responsible fiscal policies.” I would install a pay as you go policy, keep taxes fair, especially for middle class families who have taken the real hit in the Bush economy. I would close loopholes and subsidies to corporations who don't need welfare from tax payers and cease tax rewards for moving jobs overseas. All bills will be transparent to the public, if anyone submits pork barrel earmarks it must pass public scrutiny. By simply closing loopholes in offshore tax havens we would have 300 billion more dollars a year. This is not a new tax, but simply one that is legitimately owed, one that ordinary citizens pick up the tab for currently. These are a few of my proposals.

Dick Wood - This sounds intriguing, O.K . McCain, here's your question. Who let the dogs out?

McCain- I know this one um Obama did, he let them out! And he's the most pro canine man in the congress! He'll tax and spend and build a Mosque right on the White House!

Dick Wood - No I'm afraid the correct answer is "woof, woof, woof, woof".

McCain- You gave me the hard question! This is proof of media liberalism!

Dick Wood- Right, bite me.
But seriously didn't you just hear Senator Obama say he would
lower taxes on 95% of Americans?
And surely you know Obama is a Christian.

McCain- I don't care about truth, I care about getting selected!
Joe Lieberman will build a temple on top of that Mosque!

Palin- I'll build a megachurch on top of that Synagogue!

McCain- And I'll build a McDonalds on top of that megachurch!


The McCain-Palin White House

Tehranchik- What about the separation of church and state? There's more talk about religion in this campaign than the economy, the Iraq occupation, and all the other issues combined!


Palin- Why you ******** liberrral you!
Jesus didn't come here on the Mayflower to discover this country
and write our constitution just for you to make these outrageous claims.
No, he came here to subjugate the meek, make a wad of dough,
kill all homos and the races except mine , and cover every last
sq. foot of this country with seepage from his holy oil derricks!
It sez so right in de bible!

Dick Wood- Governor, your lack of knowledge of history is astounding!

Palin- Thank you!

Tehranchik- As you know my running mate Radio Free Europa and I have a history of fighting for truth, justice, and the American way. Over the years the threat of brain eating zombies has been one of our toughest conflicts to deal with.
Will the voters elect a brain eating zombie to the VP office?

Palin- I said thanks but no thanks to eating the voters brains.

RFE- How then do you explain your appearance
on the cover of Zombiepolitan?


McCain -Drats! Curses! Foiled again!
Rove assured me that was scrubbed from public access!
OK sure she's a brain eating zombie hosting the Cheney
parasite, but ... oh who am I kidding?

Quick Sarah, we have to get in the getaway rocket.
We've got to beat it!
Cheese it!

This is a satirical story, some of Obama's comments are actually from published speeches.
Everything else is fictional.....or is it?

Vote fer me or else!!!

This article is the 3rd in a series,
Read the 1st 2 here.
RFE RUNS FOR PRESIDENT

NEWS FROM THE RFE-TEHRANCHIK CAMPAIGN TRAIL