Santa's Steaks And Chops

Well it all started when old Father Christmas was surfing the web. He uses web cams to to peep in on the boys and girls these days to see who is naughty or nice. When what to his wandering eyes should appear? Why The National Buffoon of course, Santa was horrified at first but could not stop reading it..next thing you know he became addicted to reading the site.

Santa decided he would expand his meat business.
Why settle for merely peddling tainted meat from the back of his van?
Not when he could warm it up and sell it in a restaurant at quadruple the quadruped price!

Where does Santa put his gravy?
Why on Dasher, on dancer, on Donner, and Blitzen of course!


So he opened "Santa's Chops & Steaks"
Serving the finest game and roadkill in the great white north!

Today's special is Prancer Tartar!

"So come on up to Santa's Chops & Steaks, home of the 2.99 fried reindeer!
And Don't forget to try my New England Style Cat Chowder!
It's thick and chunky! "

So bring the whole family!
We have Poker in the back,
and liquor in the front.

Mrs. Clause has a package for all you naughty boys in the back.
Don't forget to tip!

Of course Santa still keeps his day job.
And a great deal of tradition and preparation is involved.

After enjoying his holiday ham, Kringle has to buckle down to the business of
disciplining all the naughty girls.

There is no shortage of naughty girls so Santa stays very busy.
Here he is at his workshop.

Of course Santa chopped up all the elves and served them in his restaurant.
Replacing them with child labor in Vietnamese sweatshops.

In the magic hours before he delivers his goods on Christmas eve,
He exposes himself to holiday shoppers all over the planet!

Then he fondles your mother.

Finally, in the wee hours before you wake up on Xmas morn,
he scours the nearby dumpsters and leaves what he finds under your tree!

Then when it's all over, he goes home, rolls a fatty,
and rides his bike...it's a Holly Davidson.

The staff of the National Buffoon
wish you and yours a very happy holiday!
But watch out for our editor...he's hiding in your tree!

Ho Ho Ho!

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Buffoon News

Dateline-In a van down by the river, Wasilla, Alaska- Buffoon extraordinaire Sarah Failin; un- governor and perennial involuntary release of idiocy , escaped from her asylum in Alaska earlier today. She took herself hostage and is threatening to keep littering television screens across the nation with further appearances until everyone hands over their wallets to the nice Exxonaco Execs who need bigger gold toilets in their guest washrooms. Because they were kind enough to buy up all the copies of her new coloring book entitled "Going Batshit" making it seem like a best seller. The astroturf organization, owned by self aggrandizing, obscenely wealthy heir to the looted "Mellon" fortune- Dick Mellon Scarfehair, known as Noosemax will be giving them all away for free. So in this age when every penny counts...stock up for use as toilet paper! According to unnamed sources of flatulence close to the edge, she plans on having a swimsuit competition for the office of president in 2012 and has chosen to toot the trouser trumpet for her talent portion. Her running mate, Barney the purple dinosaur was detained, entertaining at a 3 year old's birthday party at an undisclosed location, and was unavailable for comment.

HIKING AWARD

South Carolina Governor Skidmark Sanford received the Sierra Club's Distinguished Hiker Award this week for his "work" on the Appalachian Trail. Heart shaped hot tubs are being installed at various shelters and work has begun on the "Pan American Trail" which goes from the Governor's Mansion to Argentina. "I ain't no hypocrite" said Sanford, when queried about his vocal criticism of President Clinton's personal indiscretions. "It's not like I was gettin' some while in public office like Willy!". An aide whispered "the Governor's position was indeed a public office and there was an attempt to charge the taxpayers for travel and expenses for the dalliance." The aide was slapped in the face and handed over to Dick Cheney for interrogation.






COUNTRY MUSIC TOP HONORS

The Country Music Album Of The Year award went to John Boehner for his album "White Noise"which was a hit in Gump, Indiana for a couple days when someone accidentally drove through town and the local station playing it non stop was the only station that would come in clearly. Songs on the album include: "No Place Like Hame", "I Wrote You A Paem", "Ice Cream Canes", "Ade to the Astro Dame", "King of the Raid" and other erstwhile meanderings that substitute the A sound for the O sound. A special feature included with the CD is a tube of some of that crappy fake suntan dye that turns your skin yellowish orange.










Teabagers, Birthers, and Deathers, Oh My!

"Teabagers" are now angry at the rest of the world because we let them call themselves teabagers....
" Those damned socialist, fascist, Taoist, academist, cartoonist, dentist,
protagonist, harpsichordist, ventriloquist, taxidermists!" Said Joe the not a plumber. Speaking to a gathering of over a dozen pigeons.


Statue Unveiled At Bush Presidential Library Well sort of... the as yet uncompleted library hopes to open someday, with it's featured "Weapons of Mass Destruction Room", which no one has yet been able to locate, "The National Debt Room", which is remarkably huge and has no ceiling, " The Tax Cut Room", with entry only to the wealthiest," The Economy Room", which is located in the toilet and the "Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they will make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth time.) Apparently no self respecting artist will have anything to do with creating a statue for the library entrance. So Dubya himself is masquerading as a statue in the meantime, since he apparently has nothing better to do.








Fox Unveils New Fall Shows

In an effort to continue the tradition of simply recycling old ideas Fox will air a rehash of Love American Style re-entitled Love Republican Style. The first episode will be filmed in an airport men's room stall and future episodes will go downhill from there.











Judge Judy meets Balmy Bachman




(click on graphic to enlarge)



















Bachman was sentenced to 2 years of actual public service, which she will serve by being a gargoyle.











Glossolalia



Pro idiocy advocates have rated "the Glenn Beck show" #1 in their coveted "arson ratings" which monitors which channels prison guards dial up to annoy the inmates. The great American patriot Thomas Paine returned from the dead to kick Beck's
sorry ass for trying to associate his drooling incomprehensible ranting with the good name of actual patriots.
Beck retorted with "quack! foobeemoopero, glub!!" and proceeded to soil his diaper.


National Buffoon Is Sponsored By:

Because War Crimes just shouldn't go
unpunished!






Standards Lowered!

Fox Spews managed to lower the quality of life once again of every man woman and child on the planet by broadcasting it's reigning slime time nincompoop's butt surgery. That's right.
They needed to come from behind in the ratings. Another milestone (or was that a kidney stone?) in the annals of public broadcasting for the Fox organization. In the end, it seems Glenn Beck is public enema #2.

Curiously, most Fox viewers didn't notice any difference between the close ups of diseased anuses and the normal daily broadcasts.




Happy Halloween all!

Watch out for flying evil monkeys!

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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The Perimeter Of Anti-Luminescence (Or Something Similar)

America is waiting to be infromed!

Here Come The Warm Jets! Or Something Like them.

A salute to all of those fine groups of individuals...

All those who never fail to decrease the sum knowledge of mankind each time they open their mouths.

The contingent who have stopped to think and never started again.




Those who stand for whatever baloney witless stooges will fall for.

One of the basic tenants upon which mankind pitches it's tent seems to be questionable.
For if indeed, ignorance is bliss why then are these people not smiling?

Creating Frankenstein Monsters and Such

::::::::

Sci-fi movie fans know the script. The mad scientist creates a monster but they can't control the monster and inevitably the monster destroys them.

Leaders of the GOP are now confronting the monster they helped create. Teabaggers, deathers, birthers, or whatever they call themselves this week are a creation of Fox News and GOP think tanks who desire to stir up dissent against the Obama administration.

It was a risky bet, and one that Sci Fi movie fans would have known was a loser. Creating a clown act media circus that presented President Obama and his moderate agenda was somehow extremist and unpopular. But they miscalculated the general public's distaste for these angry fringe group's behaviors and more importantly they underestimated the fear and anger of those they stoked and couldn't imagine that angry monster they charged up with Van Der Graf Generators and theater lightning turning against them. Yet now it has.

By hyping mistrust of "the government" they seem to have forgotten that they as Republicans also are that government and bear responsibility for it's accused excesses and abuses as much as anyone else.

This week we saw staunch conservative Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) heckled, booed and called a traitor and a bum at a town hall in his home state of South Carolina. In his career Sen Graham has enjoyed the highest ratings among conservative activist groups and some of the lowest among groups like the ACLU. A military JAG officer and a close ally of the party's last presidential nominee now finds himself attacked as an enemy of the conservative movement.

It is irrational. But monsters have never been and may never be known to behave in a rational manner. Which is why rational people and responsible parties tend to avoid creating monsters in the first place.

It's A Blunderful Life - Bollocks, Boobs, Blunders & Valentines Day

THE MASSACRE

Valentine's day looms balefully before us.

Yes folks, on this day we commemorate the relationship;

...no not the one your involved in,

but the historic relationship between Al Capone and Bugs Moran.

This is the single most contrived holiday ever invented

for the purpose of picking pockets and advancing consumerism.

The orthodox method of celebration however

is to purchase some item which is then exchanged for sexual favors.

This of course is completely different from prostitution. Of course it is.

I imagine we all have our own ways of celebrating,

I for instance will stimulate the Mexican economy with the purchase of a fine bottle of tequila.

Which brings us to considering for a moment

Freud's contribution to buffoonery-

"The great question - which I have not been able to answer is, - What does a woman want?"

- Sigmund Freud

With romance and conspicuous consumption in the air,

it seems Freud's "great question" has finally been answered!

(By buffoons of course!)

The answer is in "the Kabakoff Affair".

(No, it's not bad episode of "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.")

Robert Kabakoff was riding his bike in Central Park while listening to tunes on his MP3 player one day. He passed a young woman who was sunbathing with her skirt hiked up and her derriere fully exposed. Kabakoff snapped a photo to document the "happy ending" with his cellphone from a polite distance (the bike path, 15 feet away). Another woman with our bare bunned sunbather noticed and took offense. The police were called in and Mr. Kabakoff was handcuffed, arrested, and spent the night in jail.

Apparently there is a law that, according to the New York Daily News outlaws "unlawful surveillance". This is a felony in that jurisdiction. Naturally, this "unlawful surveillance" concept only applies to private citizens as the local government allows itself a Larry Craig wide stance when it comes to surveillance latitude. As part of the patriotic paranoia offered up as a "solution" to religious extremists hi jacking airplanes, New York City has been involved in a government surveillance scheme known as the Lower Manhattan Security Initiative, which involves the installation of about 3,000 surveillance cameras and 100 license-plate readers in the business district south of Canal Street. Apparently, no one seems to oppose this extreme level of government intrusion. After all, as Randy Newman pointed out in A FEW WORDS IN DEFENSE OF OUR COUNTRY "A president once said We have nothing to fear but fear itself... now we are told we should be afraid, it's patriotic in fact, color coded...)


PIRATE BOOTY

What a weirdo wonderland we have created. Is Bloomberg BEHIND this? The National Buffoon will get to the BOTTOM of this issue! Admitedly, Kabakoff's behavior was tacky, a social faux pas. Yet there's nothing intrinsically abusive about taking a picture in a public space, especially if the particular subject of the photography is treating the public to generous views of her mudflaps. Not to be insensitive, but privacy in a public park is quite limited to say the least. Surely many passersby observed the caboose that day – Kabakoff merely recorded the event for posterior, er, posterity.






Kabakoff received $8,000 as settlement and left for a European Vacation.I hope he didn't bring his camera.So to answer Freud's question. "What does a woman want?"
A women wants you in handcuffs.


Happy Valentines Day!

The National Buffoon spotlights...what else?
BUFFOONS.
Not just any ordinary run of the mill buffoons mind you,
but extraordinary buffoons!
 

From the pompous executives at Decca records,
Mike Smith and Dick Rowe who claimed
"Guitar groups are on their way out"

while passing up signing the Beatles in 1962,
to the engineer at the Advanced Computer Systems at IBM who said
"But what ... is it good for?" in 1968, commenting on the microchip.


If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from... morons?
And why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
And why on earth are instructions needed on shampoo?
Buffoonery is nothing new. It is a time honored tradition.

A closed mouth gathers no feet. 
There is an Assyrian tablet dated at 2800 BCE.
It says- The Earth is degenerating today.
Bribery and corruption abound.
Children no longer obey their parents,
every man wants to write a book,
and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching".

 Cardinal Bellarmine, in a Letter to Foscarinin, April 12, 1615 wrote-
"First, . . . to want to affirm that in reality the sun is at the center of the world and only turns on itself without moving from east to west, and the earth . . . revolves with great speed around the sun . . .is a very dangerous thing, likely not only to irritate all scholastic philosophers and theologians, but also to harm the Holy Faith by rendering Holy Scripture false. Nor can one answer that this is not a matter of faith, since if it is not a matter of faith "as regards the topic," it is a matter of faith "as regards the speaker"; and so it would be heretical to say that Abraham did not have two children and Jacob twelve, as well as to say that Christ was not born of a virgin, because both are said by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of the prophets and the apostles."
What a buffoon. 

"To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour.
It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes."
-Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)
What a buffoon.

.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country
and talked with the best people,
and I can assure you
that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-Prentice Hall, editor in charge of business books, 1957

What a buffoon


I suspect we are all buffoons,
some perhaps more given to slaphappy activity than others.
But as we stumble through our lives,
from time to time we trip over some remarkable insights,
giving the impression that we are not chowderheads.
Yet the truth is we are indeed both fools
and trenchant sophisticates in our own ways.  



Even August Comte, the French Philosopher
who created the Law of Three Stages,
which states that a society is a whole,
and each particular science,
develops through three mentally conceived stages;
Theological Stage, Metaphysics or Abstract Stage,
and the Positive Stage
(known as Positivism: which emphasized reason and logic)
managed to fire this one off-
"Every attempt to employ mathematical methods in the study of chemical questions must be considered profoundly irrational and contrary to the spirit of chemistry.... if mathematical analysis should ever hold a prominent place in chemistry -- an aberration which is happily almost impossible -- it would occasion a rapid and widespread degeneration of that science."


A further proof of man's dual nature follows:
"Radio is just a fashion contrivance that will soon die out.
It is obvious that there never will be invented a proper receiver!"
-Thomas Edison

"640Kb ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates, 1981

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872


"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-Irving Fisher, 1929


"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
-Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

It's Deja Vu All Over Again

In the mid-1970s, the executives at the W.T. Grant variety store chain,
one of the U.S.'s largest retailers at the time,
decided that the best way to increase sales was to increase the number of customers
… by offering credit.
It put tremendous “negative incentive” pressure on store managers to issue credit.

Employees who didn’t meet their credit quotas risked complete humiliation.
They had pies thrown in their faces, were forced to push peanuts across the floor with their noses,
and were sent through hotel lobbies wearing only diapers.

Eager to avoid such total embarrassment, store managers gave credit “to anyone who breathed,”
including untold thousands of customers who were bad risks.
W.T. Grant racked up $800 million worth of bad debts before it finally collapsed in 1977.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So much so, numerous financial institutions have since adapted and tried to perfect the process!

 
               

State Mottos

Preface

New Hampshire's State Emblem
The writer Nathaniel Hawthorne used the Old Man Of The Mountains, a rock outcroppingthat resembled a human face when viewed from a particular angle, as inspiration for his short story "The Great Stone Face," published in 1850, in which he described the formation as "a work of Nature in her mood of majestic playfulness." The profile has been New Hampshire's state emblem since 1945. It was put on the state's license plate, state highway-route signs, and the back of New Hampshire's Statehood Quarter.

The Old Man Of the Mountain collapsed on May 3, 2003.
It no longer exists. New Hampshire residents discussed replacing it with plastic, but the idea was nixed. So now the state's official emblem, License Plates, Signs, Coinage, and various sundry promotions are false. They merely recall what once was, not what is. New Hampshire and indeed the entire U.S. should have seen the parallel between what happened to their symbol and was actually happening to their states and to their country. It was crumbling at the base. It was sure to collapse. And it did.

Of course many saw what was happening, they tried to take measures to prevent the erosion.
New Hampshire residents did what they could with cables and spikes, but alas the weathering, in the end was triumphant.

Many fought the erosion of American principles, it's prosperity, and foundations with whatever means were available as well. But alas; the Neocons, plutocrats, and corporatist theives; in the end, also triumphed.

All the King's Horses...
Can we reconstruct the noble aspects of what existed before the great looting? Maybe. I think there is a chance, and the new U.S. President is just the man to do it if it's possible. But let us not forget that many of those who created the erosion are still chipping away at the foundation from entrenched positions on capitol hill and K street even as rebuilding begins. They and their easily manipulated feeble minded supporters want the efforts to fail. They don't care much for the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, or even the very concepts of equality, truth, justice, and liberty.
Theirs is a cult of personality, and codifications.
Even now as they grandstand, pontificate, and obstruct - pretending the last 8 years did not even occur, they promote the same failed tired nonsense that ultimately results in the rich getting richer, taking that last sliver of the pie not already absconded.

The world they are working to achieve is a feudal one, with masters and servants, lords and serfs, an aristocracy above laws, and a peasantry under foot. So here we are, you and I...on the cusp of a new era, one that regardless of eventual outcome, demands we accept a degree of decline. That we pay the pipers for tunes our overlords heard. Pick up their tabs at establishments we never even entered.

Now it's a funny thing about that folks, for as long as I can recall the obstructionists moaned and snorted about "their" money going to social programs that improve conditions for human beings.
And sure enough today they are moaning about the stimulus bill, yet I heard not a single of their voices raised in opposition to a billion dollars a day wasted in Iraq. I heard no opposition to the doubling of the already massive national debt under G.W. Bush. Why not? Because it went in the pockets of their friends and relatives. It was for corporate welfare not the welfare of human beings. What a divine and lofty purpose to destroy a nation for! To plunder it's wealth. To undermine it's laws.

Well at any rate, we need to be able to laugh at ourselves. It is said to be the best medicine.
So here without further delay is a dose. Just as New Hampshire lost it's symbol.
We lost our savings. Our Dignity. Our minds.
Let's lose touch with reality for a few moments and examine...

U.S. State Mottos

Do you know the mottos of the various states? Here you go then!

Alabama: Like The Third World But Closer and YES! We Have Electricity!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Alaska: Oil and Rednecks and Meth Oh My! (COLD -But It's A Dry Cold) Nothing To Do But Get Drunk And Elect Wack Jobs For Entertainment

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everythings

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda!

Colorado: Live Ski or Die! Now 100%% John Denver Free.

Connecticut: Our Middle C Is Silent Ya' Casshole - Were Like Massachusetts without The Kennedy's

Delaware: Better Mutations Through Chemistry

Florida: We Are America's Wang! Ask Us About Our Incisions!

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...Well Okay, It's A Lie, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good (even if we elect senators who like to tap their toes in men's room stalls)

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Aren't Guam!

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States!

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: Cajuns Drunks and Alligators Sinking Into The Sea!

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: Gateway to Delaware!

Massachusetts: Home Of Young Girls From Nantucket...And Ted Kennedy...Hmmm, The Man is No Dummy!

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes- but it sure beats Alaska!

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Loves Company!

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Cows, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker! 3 to 1 You Leave Broke

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Like Mexico, But New!

New York: More Than A City; We're A State - And Not New Jersey!

North Carolina: Bigger Than South Carolina! And You Can Spit On Tennessee From Here!

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan And It's Easy To Spell

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cooking With Coal

Rhode Island: OK, We Lied About The Island thing... and Size Doesn't Matter!

South Carolina: Still Fighting The Civil War!

South Dakota: We're Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep, Gettin' Jiggy With New Hampshire Since 1791

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? And Don't Confuse Us With West Virginia!

Washington: Warmer Than Alaska And Full Of Slackers and Nerds!

Washington, D.C.: Just Like Nevada's Motto! Whores & Gambling! (3 to 1 you'll leave broke!)

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Sniff Our Dairy Air! We'll Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men... And So Are The Women

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Your Urgent Help Needed - Paulson's Nigerian Approach To Economics

Assimilated Press, Washington D.C.- The FBI reported today they have located the source of the ubiquious scam e -mails being recieved over the last 4 months by most everyone in the world. Because of diplomatic immunity however no charges will be filed. Call the FBI at 1-800-T42-6669 if you have not recieved the following message in your inbox.


Your Urgent Help Needed

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully Minister of Treasury Paulson

Our Wall Street Thugs need your help, they may be forced to buy plain old plumbing instead of gold toilets if their 20 million dollar bonuses are not increased this year.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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