Buffoons On The March

Former Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chrétien discovers
that it's very hard to look cool if your in charge of the military
and you wear your helmet backwards.

"Death has a tendency to encourage a depressing view of war."
- Donald Rumsfeld

"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace."
- George W.Bush

"The difference between Sly Stallone and me is I am me, and he is him."
- Arnold SchwarzeneggerPardon me, but your Freudian slip is showing

Sometimes we have what is referred to as a Kinsley Gaffe or "Washington Gaffe".
Telling the truth by accident.
When a politician says something inadvertently in public
which he or she privately believes to be true,
but which he or she would ordinarily refrain from saying publicly
since he or she believes the statement would be politically harmful or damaging.
The term comes from journalist Michael Kinsley,
who famously said, "A gaffe is when a politician tells the truth."
He first coined the term in The Guardian on January 14, 1992.




"We are trying to get unemployment to go up, and I think we're going to succeed"
--Ronald Reagan







"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
Former Vice President Dan Quayle, Sept. 15, 1988


"I stand by all the mis-statements that I have made..."
-The American former Vice President Dan Quayle
has been a leading buffoon for quite a while now.
The man was born with his foot in his mouth.
"I have no problem communicating with Latin American heads of state
- though now I do wish I had paid more attention to Latin when I was at school."



On another occasion he told befuddled Western Samoans:
"You all look like happy campers to me.
Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been,
and as far as I am concerned, happy campers you always will be.
Then he told passing mourners at a funeral to "have a nice day".

Margaret Thatcher once addressed a meeting:
"It is marvelous to be back in Malaya"
The only trouble was that she was in Indonesia.

Kenneth Clarke, the former Tory Chancellor,
while addressing a group in Consett in March, 1995
said
"At Consett, you have got one of the best steelworks in Europe.
It doesn't employ as many people as it used to because it is so modern."
(The factory had closed it's doors in 1980.)
As if that weren't enough to convince the people of Consett
that Clarke knew little of their plight and cared less
he further insulted them by saying...
"Consett is also one of the major centers for disposable baby nappies (diapers)."
That factory had closed down four years before Mr Clarke made the speech.

U.S. President Nixon landed at a Norfolk air base in the late 1960s
and publicly praised "Prime Minister Macmillan".
Harold Wilson was Prime Minister.

Even Brits, who are known for keeping a stiff upper lip,
must find it trying to stay in form on occasions like these.
A year or two later, Marshal Tito, the Yugoslav leader arrived at Heathrow,
walked straight past Prime Minister Edward Heath,
who had his arm outstretched in welcome,
and shook hands, instead, with his baffled chauffeur.


James Watt,
an oil company lawyer,
who Ronald Reagan sardonically appointed Secretary of the Interior
said he had formed an advisory group comprising
"a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple - and we have talent".

Anyone not insulted yet?




The undefeated chump,
er,chimp,
um, champ...yes champ
of course needs little introduction.

The Former President G.W. Bush

"The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September the 11th." -- Washington, D.C., July 12, 2007

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror." --interview with CBS News' Katie Couric, Sept. 6, 2006

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." --Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

"And there is distrust in Washington.
I am surprised, frankly, at the amount of distrust that exists in this town.
And I'm sorry it's the case, and I'll work hard to try to elevate it."
--interview on National Public Radio, Jan. 29, 2007


"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful,
and so are we.
They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we."
--Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004

(watch the clip)



Bush also said
"You can fool some of the people all the time,
and those are the ones you want to concentrate on."


"The problem with the French is
that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
(entrepreneur, is of course; a French word.)



HEY REPUBLICANS!

DON'T FORGET TO DONATE TO THE BUSH LIBRARY!





Dear Fellow Constituent: The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages and accepting donations.
The Library will include:

1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.


2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won’t be able to remember anything.


3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don’t even have to show up.


4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don’t let you in.


5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don’t let you out.

 

6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.

7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.

8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.

9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.

10. The Iraq War Room.
(After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second,
third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)

 11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location,

complete with shooting gallery.

12. The Environmental Conservation Room,

still empty.

13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.

14. The Airport Men’s Room,

where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.

15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board,

magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.  

The library will also include
many famous Quotes
enshrined on plaques
by
George W. Bush:


1. ‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.’\

2. ‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.’

3. ‘Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.’

4. ‘No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.’

5. ‘I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.’

6. ‘One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.’

7. ‘Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.’

8. ‘I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.’

9. ‘The future will be better tomorrow.’

10. ‘We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world..’

11. ‘One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.’
(during an education photo-op)

12. ‘Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.’

13. ‘We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'

14. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah."
--GWB at a White House menorah lighting ceremony, Washington, D.C.


PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!

Sincerely,
Jack Abramoff:
Co-Chair
G.W. Bush Library Board of Directors

Though we are all mere buffoons passing through the sands of time,
some are nothing more, passing gas and wasting time.
Wouldn't recognize a glimpse of truth if it fell on them.
They are The Buffoons Extraordinaire.
The Elite Republican Guard of trumpery.
The laurel wreath of subnormal ignorance rests proudly on their swelled heads.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Your Ad Here

2011 - THE YEAR IN REVIEW - Part 2

Herman Cain Non-Victims Come Forward

Sure, bizarre presidential hopeful  Herman Cain was dogged by allegations of sexual harassment, but this year he urged Santa, and the American public, to think of all the ladies that he hasn't molested. Some of the millions of women Cain definitely didn't harass have bravely come forward. As they point out, he made inappropriate advances toward only about 90 women, That's only 0.000000214 percent of the world's entire female population.  Cain claimed he's shown impressive restraint.

Republican Presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney drew criticism today when, at a campaign stop in Iowa, he implied that not only are corporations people, they are actually super humans. Speaking at a luncheon sponsored by "Iowans for Any White Guy or Even Bachmann as Long as She Promises Not to Do Anything Once Elected"  (Results of a recent National Buffoon poll indicate that 98% of Americans blame corporate greed for the the nation’s high unemployment, the collapse of the housing market and that third Transformers movie.) Romney said “Compared to corporations, my friend, regular people suck. Corporations do the big things like support my candidacy, avoid paying taxes, rape the environment and, let’s be fair, a corporation was responsible for the first two Transformers movies. Corporations are what made America big.”

Asked if his rosy view of corporations might hurt him in the general election, Romney fell back on talking points that have been part of his stump speech for months. “I can’t worry about what the American people think. The only opinions that matter to me are my own, whatever they are, and those of corporate Americans, like Mr. Exxon and Mr. and Mrs. Dow Chemical. They’re the everyday, hard working, corporate jet flying real heroes who are going to get me elected, not some unemployed steel worker who isn’t worth billions.”

OCCUPY MAINSTREET

Bankers from across Wall Street stormed out of their jobs before flying in private jets across the country to San Francisco and other cities where they declared that they were protesting the anti-corporate agenda of liberal America. The bankers, who represent every major financial institution on Wall Street, demanded more government bailouts and larger bonuses. Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase said "If you people would just reduce my taxes, maybe we would be out of the recession already. How the hell am I supposed to live on $21 million a year?"

The protests began in earnest after traders at Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley discovered that their bonuses would not be increased this year.  "We have put up with the liberal agenda long enough," thundered Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein over a bullhorn to admiring bankers. "Wall Street can't afford four more years of Obama." "Doesn't the President know that we are job creators?" asked Moynihan rhetorically. "I mean, not me personally...I just fired 130,000 people, but people who look like me."

With signs of "Profits Over People" and "Support Corporate Greed," the bankers defiantly asserted that they would continue the protest and remain on the streets until their demands were met. Immediately afterwards, the bankers adjourned to the Four Seasons Hotel for a five-course meal. Numerous Wall Street firms reserved several floors of the luxury hotel for their bankers to rest after a long day of protesting. Although the bankers had taken the night off, they made clear that the protest was still ongoing. "The residents of San Francisco and other cities better not get too comfortable," said Moynihan after finishing a dessert of creme brulee. "We have hired thousands of stand-ins for tomorrow's protest and private armies to protect them."

Gingrich Shows Up At Black Caucus

Horny & Drunk

Republicans’ efforts to bridge the gap between their party and minority voters (who overwhelmingly support Democrats) suffered a major setback yesterday after Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told a gathering of the Black Congressional Caucus, “African Americans will always be part of the fabric of American exceptionalism, but for my money, Asian hookers are the hottest and I brought a couple with me.”
Gingrich showed up unannounced at the Caucus’ weekly breakfast gathering because, “When I heard you were serving a crab omelet with parmesan cheese and bacon bits, I realized I care about the issues African Americans face in these tough economic times. Pass the ketchup boy.” After taking advantage of the breakfast buffet, Gingrich spilled milk on himself, burped, and gave an impromptu speech in which he called for “an America where everybody has a chance to succeed especially hot Asian Americans.” Gingrich’s remarks were not well received among members of the party leadership who have been pushing for a more big tent approach leading into the 2012 elections. Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus, called Gingrich to remind him that the GOP would prefer to keep its hatred of minorities a secret until after the elections. Priebus chastised Gingrich for “raising the issue of race in America when we’re still trying to figure out how to keep those people from voting.” Gingrich responded by releasing an amateur video that he says is proof he loves minorities.

Congress’ opinion of Americans
is at an all time low

According to a poll conducted by National Buffoon,  Congress’ approval rating of the American people at a paltry -3% - exactly the same rating that Americans gave Congress.
Congressmen and women gave several reasons for their low opinions of Americans. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said he hates Americans “because they’re idiots if they think I’m going to do what’s right for the country when I came here to make a difference in the lives of people who really matter, ...me.”
Turtlehead Mitch McConnell said  “We should just throw all those bums out and get some new Americans in there who will elect a Congress that will put the interests of my Fossil Fuel Industry sponsors  ahead of the interests of that other, crappier batch of Americans whom we should just throw the hell out".
"Bums, I tell you!”
 Emotionally unstable orange man John Boehner expressed his disgust with the American people by disagreeing with Nancy Pelosi . “Whatever Pelosi said, I’m against it! Now, regarding my opinion of the American people, They suck, and Pelosi sucks!” ,
Nancy Pelosi, was one of the few who thinks the American people are doing a reasonable job. “Let’s be fair. Americans aren’t the brightest bunch ever to come down the pike, but they do have one thing going for them. They hate Congress, so they can't be all that bad”

 

Santorum Is Now Dick
Rick Santorum announced from his rubber room campaign headquarters that he is now officially a "Dick".
"I am tired of the whole google thing, so I changed my name, so that when people think of me, they’ll think of  Dick rather than that frothy mix stuff. When they see him debate next time, they’ll be all ‘Dick sure is taking a beating!’ or ‘Wow, that Dick has balls!’ or ‘Holy Crap! Did Bachmann just cut off Dick?!’ Anyway, the name suits me as most people tell me "you've always been  a total Dick.”
Santorum told National Buffoon “Look, I’m just glad to finally put that disgusting ‘Google Santorum’ stuff behind me. Oh, crap, what the hell am I saying? What I mean is this has been a huge pain in my ass.",

Perry Announced His 666 Plan
Texas Governor and GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Perry revealed  his new economic plan. He called it “Rick Perry's Yee-Haw Awesome 666 plan,” seems to have been directly influenced by Herman Cain's controversial “999” plan, though altered to accommodate Perry's personal flair. “This 666 plan will fix up your economy faster an' a Texas Governor can threaten to secede from the United States while throwing a hissy-fit about healthcare” said Perry during a press conference. “And it ain't nothin' like that Herman Cain guy's 999 plan. This one was made up by a white guy!  Perry's plan uses the same principal as Herman Cain's plan, but with a few twists. He's calling for a 6% flat income tax rate across the board, a 6% federal sales tax (similar to the “VAT” consumption tax in the United Kingdom), and to top it all off, he'd like to execute 6% of the population of the United States.

Congress Launches War on the "99 Percenters", Claims Poor Have WMD

The United States military launched a massive ground invasion of poor and middle class communities throughout New York City early this morning after Congress authorized the use of class warfare against the "99 Percenters," a decentralized military organization that has occupied strategic outposts in several major cities over the past month. "We can no longer sit idly by while these economic terrorists continue to occupy our country," screamed House Speaker John Boehner in a special joint session of Congress to discuss the war resolution. "Indeed, we have overwhelming evidence that suggests this mysterious organization has employed a variety of weapons of mass destruction with the expressed intent of destroying this nation." Susan Rice, the current U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, was directed to garner international support for the operation by supplying evidence that the "99 Percenters" were procuring financial WMDs. During the presentation to the U.N. Security Council, Rice displayed numerous photos of poor people using food stamps, accepting unemployment benefits and paying for medical care with Medicaid. "Clearly, these photos conclusively prove the desire of the '99 Percenters' to bring pinko John Lennonism to our nation said Rice to the audience at the United Nations. Despite the presentation, many countries were skeptical of the claims.  Some, including Michel Martelly, the President of Haiti, said the United States should end all hostilities immediately and begin negotiated peace settlements. "Poor people should never be treated this way," said Martelly.  Boehner, however, remained defiant on the righteousness of the cause, countering, "what does Haiti know about poor people, anyway?" The military is officially calling the attack a counter-offensive operation designed to relieve pressure on besieged economic infrastructure that might be offended if they saw some protesters or worse yet an actual poor person.. Major Wall Street buildings have been surrounded by the enemy forces for weeks, and supply lines of caviar have been completely cut off. Senior Republican staffers on Capitol Hill argued that if the siege was not lifted soon, all of southern Manhattan could fall. NBC News's chief foreign correspondent Richard Engle reported from inside the headquarters of Citigroup earlier this week that their supplies of Fois Gras and  Dom Perignon were running dangerously low. If supply lines could not be reopened by the end of the week, they would be forced to resort to filet mignon and Jack Daniels for sustenance. "Things are bleak inside the siege zone," said Engle during an interview. "Morale has been running low even since Citigroup announced their third quarter earnings. They only made $3.8 billion in profit. I've never seen it this bad before." It's of great concern  House Majority Leader Eric Cantor made it clear that the United States would not negotiate with terrorists and would not stop until the war was won. "We've been fighting this war successfully for 30 long years, and this is their last desperate attempt to change the tide of the battle," said Cantor. "But God as my witness, we will not stop until all  taxes are eliminated on every wealthy Wall Street Investment Banker." 

GOP  Elementary School Debate 

Ends in One Gold Star, Dozens of Frowny-Faces

 The GOP presidential rivals met up at a Des Moines, Iowa elementary school for another of the 1,294 presidential debates scheduled to take place prior to primary voting. Sat at school desks before a panel of grade school teachers, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and 67 other GOP candidates hoping to sell their books garnering all the free publicity compared their regressive tax plans, their hatred for President Obama, and their broad level of understanding of American history and contemporary foreign policy. Here are some of the highlight answers from the debate.

For the question “Who was the first President of the United States,” Mitt Romney was the only candidate to answer correctly, saying “George Washington” after a lengthy pause. Most of the other candidates, however, answered with Ronald Reagan, with the exception of Herman Cain, who was too busy hitting on one of the cafeteria workers.  When asked to point at Iran on a map of the Middle East, Rick Perry was the only candidate to answer correctly, after having closed his eyes, loudly sang the theme song to “Rawhide,” spun in a circle four times, and stuck his finger down blindly on the map. Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann answered that she wasn't quite sure where Iran was, but that she was sure President Obama was born there. Santorum yelled "There are no gays in Iran! I know that."

Immediately following the Iran question, the candidates were shown an image of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and were asked to identify him. Rick Perry asked if he “was that dude in Die Hard, Hans Gruber.” Michele Bachmann yelled “gesundheit!” and began explaining her plans to build not one, not two, but eight electrified fences between the United States and Mexico, with a mile-wide moat running the full length of the border, which would be filled with battery acid, and other liquids that are essentially the same thing. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney  suggested Ahmadinejad looked a little like Rick Perry. Then the candidates were asked to bob for a dollar in a 350 degree deep fat fryer which all unfortunately survived.  In the end, Mitt Romney won a gold star for his correctly answering “George Washington” early on in the debate, and six smiley faces for various other answers, making him last evening's clear debate winner. Herman Cain meanwhile had earned four smiley faces, but no gold stars, for all the times he responded to questions by grinning creepily in slow motion. Rick Perry and the others, vowed to no longer participate in debates after a series of shoddy performances, came in tied for third place, with one smiley face for managing to respond to many of the debate questions without once pooping their pants. 

America Abandons Space Program, Expects McDonalds To Take Over
The US government is literally handing over most everything to a handful of corporate entities.
Haliburton will take over the Dept. Of Energy.
Exxon will now own the Dept. Of The Interior.
AT&T will own the FCC.
Rupert Murdoch will own the Dept. Of Education.
The Government itself will be a minor division of Goldman Sachs.
Other Important Events Of 2011
Britain Went Broke Throwing A Wedding Party
Japan was nearly destroyed by a big wave...
Japan was destroyed by a nuclear accident

Libyans overthrew and killed Muammar Qaddafi 

(though not for being a brutal dictator, rather; for having an unforgivably bad sense of fashion.)

Liberal War On Christmas...The Game!

online games

free

War On Thanksgiving Under Fire

Traditional Thanksgiving Is Under Attack From the Liberal Straw Man (on far left).

By National Buffoon
Holiday Correspondent
Helen A. Handbasket

No one suspected it, only a few have had the fortitude to report it, but there is a war on Thanksgiving and if you have not chosen a side, you hate America. That's right. Every week your friends at Fairly Unbalanced Noose discover some plot by some evil doing straw men to destroy everything decent in the universe which of course is finite and extends only as far north as Kentucky. Moon bat Boogieman are poised to urinate in your mom's apple pie and force themselves anally on the Virgin Mary.  Yep. Of course they alerted us in the past (and will again, before the sacred black Friday dance of conspicuous consumption begins) to the dastardly Straw man plot to destroy Christmas, but little did I or anyone else with an intact cerebellum suspect these liberal straw men were also plotting to destroy the most American of American holidays...Black Friday, the annual Mal*Wart stampede itself, and it's lesser prequel...Thanksgiving.

 They are attacking the very nature of the holiday
 - the promotion of gluttony!

 Inexplicably the straw men are trying to force the socialist pinko commie notion that instead of gorging oneself into a coma that one should give the needy a little more and the broad-beamed a little less. They argue everybody is happier and healthier at the end of the day. This is blasphemy!  We true traditionalists say the morbidly obese should always have more and the hungry less because that's the way God and the free enterprise system work!  That's why Jesus, who of course was American and taught that greed is good while charity and decency was the devil; beat the crap out of the poor (The poor and their ilk annoyed the money changers in the temple simply by existing. The money changers had no interaction with them of course, but were annoyed anyway through osmosis.) 



Liberal Straw Man Behind The Attack!

The Liberal Straw Man is thinking up
 new holidays to ruin for you.

Get real all you liberal Sin Fein loving hippies! A pig pigs! It's just natural. Giving them smaller portions and denying them seconds, thirds, fourths, fiths, sixths, sevenths, 189ths, etc. would only possibly discourage them as job creators. Of course everyone knows only corpulent porcine gluttons can create jobs. That family owned business down the street? Commies! Godless liberal feminist dope crazed deviates who operate lesbian abortion farms. Crazed Qaddafi loving Statists and  enviro-terrorists who adore Mad Bob Mugabe because they are liberty squashing fruitcakes who hate America, Lassie, Mal*Wart, and your mother.

Today they destroy Thanksgiving,
Next it will be my Lawn Ornament!
We must draw a line in the cranberry sauce.

   Yes that's right, you heard right...informed secret sources somewhere in an Orange County strip mall ministry have reported to some drooling nitwit masquerading as journalist on the Fairly Unbalanced Noose network that the Straw men  want to dye your cranberry sauce yellow – which just happens to have been Benedict Arnold's and Adolf Hitler's favorite color!  Not only that, but the society of  pedophile football coaches is reporting that the Straw men practice witchcraft.

The National Buffoon Is Sponsored By Mal*Wart
Your source for inferior goods at cheapass prices,
slave labor, and prosperity depletion! 

These devious super communist Straw men don't oppose giving thanks per se; they just don't want the thanks going to a specific local deity. You can give thanks to a generic deity, as long as your grace doesn't leave out any of the known gods. Always include Jehovah, Allah, Lao-tzu, Baal, Gog and Magog, Ra, Zeus, Jupiter, Odin, Buddha, Harry Krishna, Confucius, the Great Spirit, Quetzalcoatl, Mammon and of course all the inbred Caesars who achieved godhood by simple proclamation (to name but a few).

Try Yahweh's Fire & Brimstone Barbecue...or else!

By the time you get them all properly acknowledged and lauded, of course, the mashed potatoes will be cold and the rolls will be mouldy. That's how they destroy Thanksgiving.

We self righteous science denying Ignominious Ignorant gasbags, er  I mean true traditionalists say "no"! (of course we say no to everything).  The real god ,Jehovah, aka Yahweh, aka Elohim, aka etc.,  deserves the lion's share of Thanksgiving thanks. If you can't give him credit for the whole meal then he should at least get the props for the turkey and dressing...the ham, too, if you're one of those willing to pretend that Leviticus 11:7-8 doesn't exist. We simply can not allow the indignity that would result from the Lard of Lards being lumped in with the lowly demigods, nymphs, and satyrs who receive thanks for the various garnishes, gravies, and seasonings.  He alone needs to be exalted for candied yams, the green-bean casserole, and the pie. It's in the Bible! (or maybe the constitution...one of dem things we never read, yup!)

Unfortunately at this point, the Straw men point out that being the supreme of supremes, he can re script at any time and exalt himself if he takes the notion. This makes all the true traditionalists heads explode and steam shoot out of the top of their noggins. The Battle of Thanksgiving is lost.

National Buffoon's Unhelpful Hints Vol. Deux

THESE REALLY WORK!

National Buffoon continues it's fine tradition of offering insightful hints to deter conflict and promote domestic harmony. It has become one of our least popular features. Let Harlotta's amazing simple home remedies improve and simplify your life.

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF

2. YOU CAN AVOID ARGUMENTS ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT WHEN VISITING - USE THEIR SINK.

3. ALWAYS REMEMBER TO YELL "BRAKES 'R OUT!" AS YOU SPEED THROUGH RED LIGHTS. NOT ONLY IS THIS COURTEOUS, BUT IT CAN GET YOU OUT OF TRAFFIC FINES.

4. ALWAYS WEAR A FAKE MUSTACHE. AND BY ALL MEANS KEEP A BANANA IN YOUR POCKET SO WHEN SOMEONE ASKS YOU CAN SAY YES AND SHOW THEM!

5. REPLACE WINDSHIELD WIPERS WITH VIPERS AND PARK WHEREVER THE HELL YOU'D LIKE . ANY ATTEMPT TO LEAVE A TICKET WOULD BE "IN VEIN". METER COPS LOVE THIS!

6. YOU CAN USE A MICROWAVE TO REMOVE LEG HAIR. PUT YOUR LEGS IN ON HIGH AND JUST WATCH THE HAIR FALL OUT. YOU'LL BE AMAZED.

7. REMOVE BLOOD STAINS ON YOUR CLOTHES BY BATHING IN HYDROGEN PEROXIDE, IT WORKS EVERY TIME. BE CAREFUL TO HIDE THE BODY THOUGH. DON'T LEAVE IT ON YOUR LAWN OR IN THE BACK SEAT OF YOUR CAR.

8. CLEAN HOUSEHOLD ITEMS LIKE ARTIFICIAL FLOWERS BY STICKING THEM IN A BAG OF SALT AND SHAKING. THIS IS VERY EFFECTIVE AT REMOVING DUST AND CRUD. THEN STICK THE SALT BACK IN A SHAKER AND GIVE IT TO SOMEONE FOR A GIFT!

9. TO PREVENT FOOD FROM BURNING AND STICKING TO PANS, SIMPLY EAT OUT EVERY NIGHT.

10. IF YOUR UNSURE ABOUT THE FRESHNESS OF AN EGG EAT IT, IF YOU FEEL BAD AFTERWARDS YOU PROBABLY HAVE A BAD EGG THERE.

11. ALKASELTZER IS A GREAT CLEANER. PUT YOUR JEWELRY, VASES, THERMOS ETC. IN THE TOILET AND DROP A TABLET IN THEY WILL ALL BE CLEANED AT ONCE.

12. TO STOP THE ITCH FROM A MOSQUITO BITE PLACE THE AFFLICTED AREA IN A VAT OF BATTERY ACID.

13. DON'T THROW AWAY THOSE SEVERED HEADS. YOU CAN USE THEM AS CAKE DECORATING BAGS, OR CONTAINERS TO MIX DEVILED EGGS....JUST SQUEEZE THE CHEEKS TO DISTRIBUTE THE MIXTURE.

14. DID YOU KNOW DRINKING 2 GLASSES OF CLOROX ELIMINATES HEADACHE PAIN?

15. KEEP PERISHABLE ITEMS IN YOUR REFRIGERATOR LONG ENOUGH, AND THE EXPIRATION DATE WILL FADE AWAY RENDERING THE ITEM SAFE TO EAT.

16. ALWAYS USE SOMEONE ELSE'S TOOTHBRUSH TO SAVE MONEY ON TOILET PAPER.
SAVE A TREE!

17. ALWAYS USE A CRAPPY WEAK KNIFE WHEN CHOPPING RAW CARROTS SO THE BLADE SNAPS INTO YOUR HAND THEN USE THE PART STICKING THROUGH TO CHOP ONIONS. LET THE JUICE GET INTO THE NEW CUT. NEXT CHOP A CHILLI PEPPER, WHEN YOUR EYES STING FROM THE ONION FUMES RUB THEM. PLACE THE CHOPPED UP MESS IN A POT AND FORGET TO HEAT THEM . WONDER WHY IT'S NOT WARMING UP AFTER ABOUT 10 MINUTES AND THROW THE WHOLE THING IN THE GARBAGE.

18. REMEMBER THAT DIRT AND GRIME THAT ACCUMULATES ON WINDOWS AND SCREENS HELP FILTER OUT HARMFUL UV RAYS, NEVER REMOVE IT!

19. REMEMBER, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES, NEVER MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO LAUGH AT THEM!

20. TIME IS MONEY, SAVE TIME BY NOT READING THIS ARTICLE.

It's A Blunderful Life - Bollocks, Boobs, Blunders & Valentines Day

THE MASSACRE

Valentine's day looms balefully before us.

Yes folks, on this day we commemorate the relationship;

...no not the one your involved in,

but the historic relationship between Al Capone and Bugs Moran.

This is the single most contrived holiday ever invented

for the purpose of picking pockets and advancing consumerism.

The orthodox method of celebration however

is to purchase some item which is then exchanged for sexual favors.

This of course is completely different from prostitution. Of course it is.

I imagine we all have our own ways of celebrating,

I for instance will stimulate the Mexican economy with the purchase of a fine bottle of tequila.

Which brings us to considering for a moment

Freud's contribution to buffoonery-

"The great question - which I have not been able to answer is, - What does a woman want?"

- Sigmund Freud

With romance and conspicuous consumption in the air,

it seems Freud's "great question" has finally been answered!

(By buffoons of course!)

The answer is in "the Kabakoff Affair".

(No, it's not bad episode of "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.")

Robert Kabakoff was riding his bike in Central Park while listening to tunes on his MP3 player one day. He passed a young woman who was sunbathing with her skirt hiked up and her derriere fully exposed. Kabakoff snapped a photo to document the "happy ending" with his cellphone from a polite distance (the bike path, 15 feet away). Another woman with our bare bunned sunbather noticed and took offense. The police were called in and Mr. Kabakoff was handcuffed, arrested, and spent the night in jail.

Apparently there is a law that, according to the New York Daily News outlaws "unlawful surveillance". This is a felony in that jurisdiction. Naturally, this "unlawful surveillance" concept only applies to private citizens as the local government allows itself a Larry Craig wide stance when it comes to surveillance latitude. As part of the patriotic paranoia offered up as a "solution" to religious extremists hi jacking airplanes, New York City has been involved in a government surveillance scheme known as the Lower Manhattan Security Initiative, which involves the installation of about 3,000 surveillance cameras and 100 license-plate readers in the business district south of Canal Street. Apparently, no one seems to oppose this extreme level of government intrusion. After all, as Randy Newman pointed out in A FEW WORDS IN DEFENSE OF OUR COUNTRY "A president once said We have nothing to fear but fear itself... now we are told we should be afraid, it's patriotic in fact, color coded...)


PIRATE BOOTY

What a weirdo wonderland we have created. Is Bloomberg BEHIND this? The National Buffoon will get to the BOTTOM of this issue! Admitedly, Kabakoff's behavior was tacky, a social faux pas. Yet there's nothing intrinsically abusive about taking a picture in a public space, especially if the particular subject of the photography is treating the public to generous views of her mudflaps. Not to be insensitive, but privacy in a public park is quite limited to say the least. Surely many passersby observed the caboose that day – Kabakoff merely recorded the event for posterior, er, posterity.






Kabakoff received $8,000 as settlement and left for a European Vacation.I hope he didn't bring his camera.So to answer Freud's question. "What does a woman want?"
A women wants you in handcuffs.


Happy Valentines Day!

The National Buffoon spotlights...what else?
BUFFOONS.
Not just any ordinary run of the mill buffoons mind you,
but extraordinary buffoons!
 

From the pompous executives at Decca records,
Mike Smith and Dick Rowe who claimed
"Guitar groups are on their way out"

while passing up signing the Beatles in 1962,
to the engineer at the Advanced Computer Systems at IBM who said
"But what ... is it good for?" in 1968, commenting on the microchip.


If electricity comes from electrons, where does morality come from... morons?
And why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp,
which no decent human being would eat?
And why on earth are instructions needed on shampoo?
Buffoonery is nothing new. It is a time honored tradition.

A closed mouth gathers no feet. 
There is an Assyrian tablet dated at 2800 BCE.
It says- The Earth is degenerating today.
Bribery and corruption abound.
Children no longer obey their parents,
every man wants to write a book,
and it is evident that the end of the world is fast approaching".

 Cardinal Bellarmine, in a Letter to Foscarinin, April 12, 1615 wrote-
"First, . . . to want to affirm that in reality the sun is at the center of the world and only turns on itself without moving from east to west, and the earth . . . revolves with great speed around the sun . . .is a very dangerous thing, likely not only to irritate all scholastic philosophers and theologians, but also to harm the Holy Faith by rendering Holy Scripture false. Nor can one answer that this is not a matter of faith, since if it is not a matter of faith "as regards the topic," it is a matter of faith "as regards the speaker"; and so it would be heretical to say that Abraham did not have two children and Jacob twelve, as well as to say that Christ was not born of a virgin, because both are said by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of the prophets and the apostles."
What a buffoon. 

"To throw bombs from an airplane will do as much damage as throwing bags of flour.
It will be my pleasure to stand on the bridge of any ship while it is attacked by airplanes."
-Newton Baker, US minister of defense (1921)
What a buffoon.

.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country
and talked with the best people,
and I can assure you
that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
-Prentice Hall, editor in charge of business books, 1957

What a buffoon


I suspect we are all buffoons,
some perhaps more given to slaphappy activity than others.
But as we stumble through our lives,
from time to time we trip over some remarkable insights,
giving the impression that we are not chowderheads.
Yet the truth is we are indeed both fools
and trenchant sophisticates in our own ways.  



Even August Comte, the French Philosopher
who created the Law of Three Stages,
which states that a society is a whole,
and each particular science,
develops through three mentally conceived stages;
Theological Stage, Metaphysics or Abstract Stage,
and the Positive Stage
(known as Positivism: which emphasized reason and logic)
managed to fire this one off-
"Every attempt to employ mathematical methods in the study of chemical questions must be considered profoundly irrational and contrary to the spirit of chemistry.... if mathematical analysis should ever hold a prominent place in chemistry -- an aberration which is happily almost impossible -- it would occasion a rapid and widespread degeneration of that science."


A further proof of man's dual nature follows:
"Radio is just a fashion contrivance that will soon die out.
It is obvious that there never will be invented a proper receiver!"
-Thomas Edison

"640Kb ought to be enough for anybody."
-Bill Gates, 1981

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
-Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
-Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872


"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
-Irving Fisher, 1929


"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
-Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

It's Deja Vu All Over Again

In the mid-1970s, the executives at the W.T. Grant variety store chain,
one of the U.S.'s largest retailers at the time,
decided that the best way to increase sales was to increase the number of customers
… by offering credit.
It put tremendous “negative incentive” pressure on store managers to issue credit.

Employees who didn’t meet their credit quotas risked complete humiliation.
They had pies thrown in their faces, were forced to push peanuts across the floor with their noses,
and were sent through hotel lobbies wearing only diapers.

Eager to avoid such total embarrassment, store managers gave credit “to anyone who breathed,”
including untold thousands of customers who were bad risks.
W.T. Grant racked up $800 million worth of bad debts before it finally collapsed in 1977.
Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So much so, numerous financial institutions have since adapted and tried to perfect the process!

 
               

The Hall O' Big Bible Fun - ( Inadvertant as it may be)

Ok, I'm a skeptic about most things, and I look for rational and reasoned solutions to life's questions and problems. I make no claim about whether the universe has a creator or is, itself, a natural phenomenon. But that being said, I simply do not make the claim, so I suppose I'm a non believer.
I certainly am a non believer in any of the major "religions" which are all rather feeble attempts to explain the universe to cavemen and simpletons and are merely anachronisms in today's world.

That being said, there are plenty of good reasons to learn about the belief systems man invented over the years. One is that if NOT taken literally, there is meaningful stuff occasionally. And the humor is quite good...though likely unintentional. Many adherents to Christian fundamentalism, (the belief that the bible is literally true) only accept the King James version, so for the sake of avoiding linguistic faux pas, these pearls of wisdom are from that particular publication.

In The Old Testament

Genesis 2:18-20
Seeing Adam wandering alone in the Garden of Eden, God concludes that it is not good that he should be alone, and decides to make him a "help meet". "And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him." Oh Fiddlesticks

Adam does not find his "help meet" until God creates Eve from one of his ribs as he sleeps. Why it took God this long to get it right, however, is puzzling. Did he not realize that none of the animals were suitable wives for Adam? If the first man had pronounced one of them suitable, would the Almighty have presided over a solemn marriage ceremony between a human being and, say, a hippopotamus?

If God had not created the animals with the intent of finding Adam a wife, then why does the text bother to point out that none of them were suitable for that purpose? Perspiring minds want to know!

Genesis 6:5-7, 8:21
God decides to send a great flood to kill all humans, except for Noah and his family, because man's heart is evil. "And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.... And the Lord said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth." Later, after the flood waters recede, God promises never to do it again because man's heart is evil. "And the Lord said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done."

Why should our "evil imaginations" first doom us and then save us? After all didn't the all powerful create them too? Is the all powerful a screw-up? Why does a perfect God change his mind about how to deal with mere mortals?

Exodus 17:11-12
Led by Moses and Joshua, the Israelites are battling the heathen Amalekites. As long as Moses holds up his hands, the Israelites are able to defeat their foes, but as soon as he gets tired and puts his hands down, they start to lose. Aaron and Hur hold up his arms for him until sundown so Israel can kick his butt.

Why should Moses should have to do this for Israel to win? If it is a test of his dedication then allowing Aaron and Hur to hold up his arms for him seems like cheating and wouldn't the all knowing big guy with the beard know he was cheating? Maybe God just decided to make his prophet do funny poses for his own entertainment. (" Hey! If you want Israel to win, hold up your arms! Now stand on one foot! Now do the Chicken Dance! You do the Hokey Pokey....after all that truly is "what it's all about!"). Maybe if GWB had done the watusi...

Exodus 33:23
"And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts"

God moons Moses!

Now that's funny!

Numbers 22:20-22
God tells Balaam that if men come to him and tell him to go with them, he should. Men come to Balaam. They tell him to go with them. He does. God gets mad at Balaam for going.

As strange as it seems, this is exactly what the text says. No justification is given as to why God should be angry at Balaam for doing exactly what God told him to do. Is the lesson to be learned not to listen to the Supernatural Comic Creator? Um, ...it's a ho ho holy mystery.

Deuteronomy 23:1
According to this verse, any man whose testicles have been crushed or whose penis has been cut off "shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."

God judges us based our genitals? Really? Who would have guessed!

Press the Button Now!

Deuteronomy 23:10,14, Leviticus 15:19-30
God ( Or the guys that made this stuff up) seem obsessed with certain bodily fluids, these verses lay out his all-important instructions for dealing with menstruation, nocturnal emissions, and disposal of feces. We learn in Leviticus, a menstruating woman is "unclean" during her period, and must remain apart from the rest of her people for a minimum of seven days. Then, she must sacrifice two pigeons as a "sin offering", "to make an atonement... before the Lord for the issue of her uncleanness."

So God considers it a sin to have a period? Didn't he create women the way he wanted them to be? What's up with that?

Men who have nocturnal emissions get off more lightly, according to Deuteronomy 23:10. Apparently they're not as "unclean" as menstruating women, and don't have to sacrifice animals to God to be forgiven - they merely have to stay outside the camp for a day.

In verse 14, we have detailed instructions on how to dispose of feces. "Because the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp, to save you and to give up your enemies before you; therefore your camp must be holy, that he may not see anything indecent among you, and turn away from you".

Well it is "unholy" to relieve oneself, and the sight of human feces so repulses God that he will abandon anyone who does not dispose of it discreetly! Did God really need to tell these guys not to poop where they eat or walk? And will all gastro related Drs. be going to the place with the guy with the pitchfork?

Why did God create these bodily functions in the first place if he's so disgusted by them. Doesn't the infinite, almighty Creator of the universe have more important things to concern himself with? Why does his ego demand he be worshiped, not merely respected or loved? If I were god I wouldn't care whether you believed I existed or not, let alone demand you spend time saying how huge and wonderful I am. How your so impressed down here. What an egotist!

Judges 1:19
"And the Lord was with Judah; and he drave out the inhabitants of the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron."

Well if your choice is between having God on your side and having iron chariots, you should apparently take the chariots! So much for omnipotence. Apparently Jehovah is a member of one of those species of British and Scottish fairies who were repelled by cold iron or garlic. It'd be just like those little tricksters to masquerade as the all-powerful God of the Israelites!

Judges 6:36-40
Gideon offers the following test to see if he is to be the agent of Israel's salvation: he will leave a woolen fleece out on the ground overnight, and in the morning if it is wet with dew while all the surrounding earth is dry, he will know God's answer is yes. He duly does this, and finds the fleece wet and the ground dry in the morning, but isn't convinced. If you really mean it, he says, make the fleece miraculously dry and the ground miraculously wet. This happens.

Okay, far be it from me to question the wisdom of Gideon, but why couldn't he just ask for a yes-or-no answer? Throughout the Bible God speaks audibly to both believers and nonbelievers (as he did with Balaam, for example). Was that too hard for him to do in this instance, or does he just prefer doing inane parlor tricks?

Judges 9:13
"Wine cheereth God and man."

Okay, man I can see. But how does wine cheer God? Does the Almighty get drunk? Not that it wouldn't explain some things. But based on his evident low sense of humor displayed in other verses, maybe what amuses him more is watching other people get drunk and make fools of themselves.

1 Samuel 19:24
The Spirit of God comes upon Saul and causes him to start giving prophecies. Apparently getting just a little carried away, Saul takes off all his clothes, "prophesied before Samuel in like manner, and lay down naked all that day and all that night."

No mention is made of Samuel's reaction. I guess people just acted that way back then.

1 Samuel 30:1
After being completely killed off by Saul in 1 Samuel 15:7-8 and 15:33, and then being completely killed off again by David in 1 Samuel 27:8-11, the Amalekites invade Israel yet again!

Those Amalekites were resurected! God and Hollywood profit (prophet) from sequels.

2 Kings 21:12
"Therefore thus saith the Lord God of Israel, Behold, I am bringing such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle."

In other verses, God has already threatened to punish or punished people with death, drowning, dragons, serpents, lions, bears, dogs, wild beasts, evil spirits, confusion, mutilation, cannibalism, rape, slavery, stoning, scourging, swords, axes, arrows, rods, fire, frost, blood, burning coals, brimstone, thunderbolts, storms, famine, drought, fever, plague, pestilence, inflammation, itching, leprosy, open sores, boils, hemorrhoids, hornets, locusts, frogs, lice, flies, worms, infanticide, infertility, miscarriages, madness, blindness, dismemberment, drunkenness, darkness, hail, earthquakes, and by spreading dung on their faces. By this verse he must have run out of ideas. ("And I'm gonna smite you so bad, that... that... um... whoever hears about it, their ears will tingle!")

(For all these punishments, here are the Bible references, in order: Acts 5:5-10, Genesis 7:20-22, Jeremiah 10:22, Numbers 21:6, 2 Kings 17:25, 2 Kings 2:24, 1 Kings 21:23, Leviticus 26:22, 1 Samuel 16:14, Genesis 11:9, Ezekiel 23:25 & 34, Ezekiel 5:10, Numbers 31:18, Deuteronomy 28:48, Numbers 15:35-36, Leviticus 19:20, Exodus 22:24, 2 Samuel 12:31, Deuteronomy 32:42, Psalms 2:9, Numbers 16:35, Psalms 78:47, Revelation 16:3, Psalms 140:10, Revelation 9:18, Psalms 78:48, Psalms 83:15, Jeremiah 24:10, Amos 4:7, Leviticus 26:16, Numbers 11:33, 1 Chronicles 21:14, Deuteronomy 28:22, Deuteronomy 28:27, Numbers 12:9-10, Revelation 16:2, Exodus 9:9-11, 1 Samuel 5:6, Exodus 23:28, Exodus 10:12-14, Exodus 8:2-6, Exodus 8:16-17, Exodus 8:21-24, Deuteronomy 28:39, Exodus 12:29-30, Genesis 20:18, Hosea 9:14, Zechariah 12:4, Acts 13:11, Psalms 58:7, Jeremiah 13:13, Exodus 10:22, Exodus 9:23-25, Revelation 11:13, and Malachi 2:3.)

Psalms 78:66
"And he smote his enemies in the hinder parts: he put them to a perpetual reproach."

God kicks some ass!

Isaiah 20:2-3
God instructs Isaiah to take off all his clothes and wander around completely naked for three years as a "sign and a wonder."

Yeah people must have wondered, all right. You might chalk this up to another example of God making his prophets do ridiculous things for his own amusement, but Isaiah shows in many places that his own hold on reality is tenuous. He writes that God will "hiss for the fly... and for the bee" (7:18), will force every man to "eat the flesh of his own arm" (9:20 - Bon Appetitte!), and will send a perverse spirit that will cause the Egyptians to err "as a drunken man staggereth in his vomit" (19:14 - Yellowbeard comes to mind!). He orders women to strip (32:11), and says that God will punish them by "discovering their secret parts" (3:17). He says that God "will feed them that oppress me with their own flesh; and they shall be drunken with their own blood, as with sweet wine" (49:26 - yum!); either that, or they'll "eat their own dung, and drink their own urine" (36:12). So either God was having a much weirder daythan Hunter S. Thompson ever had, or else Isaiah was one of the many Biblical figures who could have benefited from modern psychological medication.

Ezekiel 2:9,3:1-3
God writes a scroll in front of Ezekiel's eyes, and then instructs him, "Son of man, eat that thou findest; eat this roll.... cause thy belly to eat, and fill thy bowels with this roll that I give thee." Ezekiel complies, and finds it to be sweet as honey.

Doubtless this is all very symbolic, mystical, and informative in some way or another.

Ezekiel 13:18-20
"Thus saith the Lord God, Woe to the women that sew pillows.... Behold, I am against your pillows."

A true classic! But God's wrath doesn't end with pillows, oh no. In 13:21 he further promises to spill out his anger on kerchiefs ("Your kerchiefs also will I tear"), and just a few verses earlier, in 13:15, he swears terrible vengeance against a wall. ("Thus will I accomplish my wrath upon the wall.") What God has against innocent masonry and embroidery is not explained. Nor is anything else of consequence.

(Then again, maybe Ezekiel's to blame; this guy is plainly a few locusts short of a plague. In chapter 1 he sees some four-headed, four-winged creatures that Dr. Moreau could never have dreamed of, as well as God's "loins." In 4:12 he says that God told him to eat barley cakes baked with "dung that cometh out of man"; not too tasty, but better than fathers eating their sons and sons eating their fathers, which we are told will happen in 5:10. In chapter 4 he is told to lie on his left side for 390 days, then to lie on his right side for 40 days, without turning over. No doubt this is all very symbolic, but I don't think the sinful Israelites were too impressed by their prophets rolling in the mud. In 8:2-3, God's loins put in another appearance, and in 29:8 he makes all the Egyptians' "loins to be at a stand." In chapter 23 Ezekiel rants - at great length - about two women who, as punishment for committing adultery with men "whose issue is like the issue of horses", will have their houses burned down, their sons and daughters killed with swords, their noses and ears cut off, will be forced to "pluck off" their own breasts, and will finally be stoned to death. Praise the Lord! And in 10:12 he mentions wheeled cherubim, whose wheels were covered with eyes. "As for the wheels, it was cried unto them in my hearing, O wheel." Clearly Ezekiel, like Isaiah, is another of those prophets who couldn't poke sanity with a long pole.)

Hosea 8:4
The Israelites set up princes, and "I knew it not," complains God.

So much for omniscience eh?.

Jonah 1:3
Jonah is instructed by God to go preach to Nineveh. But he apparently prefers not to do this, and so he runs away. "But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish: so he paid the fare thereof, and went down into it, to go with them unto Tarshish from the presence of the Lord."

So much for omnipresence too.If you don't want to listen to the God...simply run away, run away!

This is but a small sampling of Biblical humor. I don't understand how anyone could possibly believe this is literally true, but then again I didn't believe there were enough fools to re-elect Bush, or not understand that importing all your manufacturing and outsourcing all your jobs would lead to a collapsed economy. To each his own, and rememeber:

"There are no sects in geometry."
(Voltaire)

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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