Compelling Presidential Quotes

Great Presidential Mullets

(this space for rent)

Founded the Jefferson Airplane

"It is time for the great silent majority of Americans to stand up & get kicked in the balls!"

*Hic*

Speak softly and roll a big spleef

Four pours and seven beers ago our brewers brought froth
with this incontinence, a new notion,
contrived in a laboratory, and medicated to a prone position,
that all men should imbibe a pint or 2.

"The world has nothing to fear from military ambition in our Government." -James K. Polk
(Just before annexing Mexican Territories).
*Must have said that in jest I guess.

Great Moments In Journalism

By National Buffoon Staff Writer I.P. Freely

Republicans

{The\ Republican\ Party}, is also known affectionately as the God/Guns & Oil Party (GOP). It is a division of Halliburton and a subsidiary of the Federalist Society Of Major Dickheads , formerly known as the Federal Government of the United States. Its main function is to boost the sales of Chinese made flag lapel pins and magnets. As of 2007, despite receiving a good ol' Texas 'thumpin' it is one of the largest misanthropic organizations in the world. Well known for its Ultra-Orthodox Fascist practice of plutocratic centrism, in which no party member is allowed to disagree with the central organization for any reason. In fact I knew a guy who tried to disagree once. They later found his dead body floating in the Potomac River. His corpse displayed signs of torture and wild violation. This causes Republicans great stress and results in bi-weekly mass Republican orgies in public toilets in Washington, DC.and elsewhere.

Subdivisions

Rockefeller Republicans

An endangered species. These guys are the ones that are slowly being killed off by sectarian death squads. They are mostly well-educated and wealthy suburbanites and are quite moderate, a lot of them are even pro-choice and pro-gay. Some of them are very, very pro-gay. These guys were in power before Pat Robertson started to making bizzare clicks and grunts that awoke hordes of  brain eating zombies. Currently, they are in fact listed as an "Endangered Species" by the Endangered Species Act due to hunting by radical clerics and population reduction due to loss of habitat due to their own economic policies. Many of members of this sub-species live in Log Cabins.

A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level.
When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, “Nuh-uh!”

Republican Republicans

A sub-species that dominates the modern republican party. Their natural range is the Bible Belt and mosquito infested swamps. They are sometimes confused with zombies on election day as any resident of a town of less than 100,000 people and that is more than 300 miles inland would say. However, this strain of zombieism is different than any others as its members/hosts are still metabolically active and reproduce.  Because of the emerging overpopulation of zombies attributed to this, a new, compassionate campaign of "spay and neuter your fundy" has begun. Also, the common mink has been introduced to act as predators in areas just outside of these creatures' home range, such as Colorado and Ohio. This strategy of zombie management has sustained some success in the last year or so. In fact, wildlife experts are becoming cautiously optimistic that this vermin species can be contained.

Tea Party Republicans
The dirty, ugly, fat and inbred white trash. Predominantly NRA members who drink in excess and wear white sheets. Usually they live in old trailer parks or run down shacks. Favorite foods include "Turducken" and "Chicken Fried Bacon". All suffer from  morbid obesity and love to chug gravy. Hobbies also inlucde: banjo playing, watching NASCAR, and incest.

Republican Convention

Tree Chopper Republicans Also known as "tree kicker republicans". These guys are the antithesis to tree huggers and have a clinical hatred of nearly every tree species known to man. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it fall, most likely it's because a republican is quietly leveling a forest in order to build another shopping mall. In their spare time they start forest fires.

Origins

The Republican Party was founded by Your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, well-known for His free-market  pro-gun, anti-abortion (so you can shoot the sheriff when he comes and arrests you for abortion), anti-tax, anti-poor, & anti-Liberal stance. He once said the poor are fat and lazy bastards that are only alive because Democrats steal Republicans money to "give" to the lazy workers, middle class spud heads & stinky poor".

Glory Days

The Republicans  took  control of the Roman Empire, which led to a  unprecedented decline and decay.
The Log Cabin Faction became the leaders and the Roman Empire was eventually destroyed while they were busy fiddling with their logs.

Born Again

In the early 1900s, George Washington re-established Republican values by drive-by shooting Queen Victoria and her son Jack the Ripper. Americans have been ruled by fear ever since. except for 8 years when Bill Clinton terrorized the bible belt with his blatant heterosexuality.

The Seal Of The Republican Party (before the teabaggers).

Today
Republicans are very loyal to their own of any political party members.  Even if you raped over 9000 boys, you would still be applauded by the National Committee for your bravery and patriotism. Also Republicans do not believe in science, truth, psychology, gravity, common sense, and free will, unlike their radical commie counter parts the Democrats. Republican daily life revolves around the office and church. The average Republican will usually wake up at six in the morning & spend the day yelling at servants while constantly abusing Mexicans, teenagers and middle class folks who have an education.  After a hard day of yelling, shiting on the floor,  demanding servants clean it up, and eating, the republican packs up the children and goes to church. At church, the Republican speaks in tongues, shaves its pubes and handles snakes while the children are taught to forget everything they learned in science class. At church they also take part in occultist rituals and human sacrifice. They often repeat this for 6 days a week, except for Saturday after church, when the "coon-hunting" occurs.

GOP POLICIES

• Lower education standards.
• Lower taxes AND raise deficit spending.
• Scare the hell out of people so they condone Endless War.
• Dump the American greenback currency in favor of condor gonads and manatee hides.
• Increasing government spending to fund a wasteful military-industrial complex and give welfare to greedy corporations.
• Preach about God
• Erect  monuments to dumb-ass's like  Bill O'Reilly.
• Faith based initiatives..."What would Satan do?"
  

  

  Sean Hannity exaggerates the size of his penis

  
  

  

  The GOP Seal (after the teabaggers)

  

  
  

Bachmann Quits, World Sighs With Relief

 

Former VP Dick Cheney congratulates Congressman Bachmann on her failed 2012 presidental run while Bachmann herself crazily fixates on a bouncing potato off in the distance.

LOOK A SQUIRREL!

Michele "BatGuano" Bachmann  is the bat-shit-crazy transgendered United States Congresswoman from Minnesota's embarrassingly mentally deficient 6th District. Michele is a card-carrying member of the Republican Party who foolishly attempted to win the White House without any concept of where it might be. Her husband would have been the first gay first lady. Michele is also an avid reader of  Mein Kampf (which she claims was written by Jesus)  & Where's Waldo?  (Same idiotic claim).
 Bachmann was born in the rumble seat of a runaway bus during the worst nine-month-long blizzard in Minnesotan history. After this fact was discovered, the suicide rates in Minnesota rose by almost 9000%. Her father was Fonda Peters and deserted the family for a career as a door to door puppeteer.  Bachmann was allegedly abducted by hulking, 13 foot, gay aliens from the planet Splunk (identified in 1996 as 70 Virginis b) on her way home from gobbling corndogs at a football game. She was found the next day wandering in a cornfield, still in her rumpled and soiled cheerleader outfit, her hair and brain askew. She claimed that many strange football-shaped divots on her ankles were the result of medical experiments and fashion makeovers conducted on her by these gay aliens which are invisible to all but herself. This is generally believed to be the source of Michele Bachmann's rampant homophobia. The next event that was to leave a lasting impression and guide her path toward absurdity was an unexpected encounter with the Almighty God Himself. Michele Bachmann met God while playing miniature golf when she was only 42 years old, who spoke to her from the mouth of the big frog on the 18th hole. The frog told her that, quote, "A wet bird will definitely not fly backwards in the night. Are you a wet bird, Michele?". It was right there on that fateful Putt-Putt course that Destiny grabbed Michele by the tonsils and shook her until she agreed to immerse herself in the wonderful world of mixing lunacy with politics. Michele announced she would not seek re-election the day after polls indicated she'd lose anyway amidst half a dozen FBI investigations regarding misuse of campaign funds. Bat Guano futures declined sharply on the commodities market following the announcement. She will continue to receive huge farm subsidies for her 3 tomato plants and will no doubt continue to embarrass Minnesota in the future.

Rat Bastard Kids Childrens Books