Bachmann Quits, World Sighs With Relief

 

Former VP Dick Cheney congratulates Congressman Bachmann on her failed 2012 presidental run while Bachmann herself crazily fixates on a bouncing potato off in the distance.

LOOK A SQUIRREL!

Michele "BatGuano" Bachmann  is the bat-shit-crazy transgendered United States Congresswoman from Minnesota's embarrassingly mentally deficient 6th District. Michele is a card-carrying member of the Republican Party who foolishly attempted to win the White House without any concept of where it might be. Her husband would have been the first gay first lady. Michele is also an avid reader of  Mein Kampf (which she claims was written by Jesus)  & Where's Waldo?  (Same idiotic claim).
 Bachmann was born in the rumble seat of a runaway bus during the worst nine-month-long blizzard in Minnesotan history. After this fact was discovered, the suicide rates in Minnesota rose by almost 9000%. Her father was Fonda Peters and deserted the family for a career as a door to door puppeteer.  Bachmann was allegedly abducted by hulking, 13 foot, gay aliens from the planet Splunk (identified in 1996 as 70 Virginis b) on her way home from gobbling corndogs at a football game. She was found the next day wandering in a cornfield, still in her rumpled and soiled cheerleader outfit, her hair and brain askew. She claimed that many strange football-shaped divots on her ankles were the result of medical experiments and fashion makeovers conducted on her by these gay aliens which are invisible to all but herself. This is generally believed to be the source of Michele Bachmann's rampant homophobia. The next event that was to leave a lasting impression and guide her path toward absurdity was an unexpected encounter with the Almighty God Himself. Michele Bachmann met God while playing miniature golf when she was only 42 years old, who spoke to her from the mouth of the big frog on the 18th hole. The frog told her that, quote, "A wet bird will definitely not fly backwards in the night. Are you a wet bird, Michele?". It was right there on that fateful Putt-Putt course that Destiny grabbed Michele by the tonsils and shook her until she agreed to immerse herself in the wonderful world of mixing lunacy with politics. Michele announced she would not seek re-election the day after polls indicated she'd lose anyway amidst half a dozen FBI investigations regarding misuse of campaign funds. Bat Guano futures declined sharply on the commodities market following the announcement. She will continue to receive huge farm subsidies for her 3 tomato plants and will no doubt continue to embarrass Minnesota in the future.

Know Your Tea Party Douche Bags

OLYMPIA, Washington -- The newly elected Republican legislators-enough to keep control of the House of Reprehensibles--have arrived at the capital in Washington....the state of Washington,
raising the possibility that the House in D.C. will be in Democratic hands.

The wave of clueless douche bags
supported by the Tea Party movement,
arrived in Olympia by bus,  unaware that it is a state capital
rather than the national one.
Their constituents would be disappointed figuring

 that they knew the capitol is on the east side of the country...
We say "would be disappointed"
if they weren't low functioning invertebrates
incapable of any response beyond fear & anger
As their meager neural net is primarily occupied
entirely by the strain of using flagella and cilia
for locomotion.
The Washington state legislature was in session 

when the buffoons arrived but was not
disposed to let the out-of-staters participate.

Marco Rubio, the Senator from America's wang, Florida;
demanded the mining of cheese on the moon begin at once.


He was disappointed to find that the subject
was nowhere on the agenda in Olympia.
"I presume the bill is originating over in the House then," he said.



Who Are These Tea Baggers
And What The Hell Do They Want?
The movement has no national platform,

 but local chapters spend hours assembling statements of positions, 

which may or may not include the following planks:

• Shouting down people in wheelchairs at town halls
• Impeaching the President for no apparent reason
• Keeping "Gubbermint" socialism out of their Social Security checks
• Generally mucking up stuff so it can't work
• Immediate implementation of nursery school level concepts of economics
• All types of inane absurdity outweighing veridical reality

Tea Party platforms often coincide with things that Republicans say,
before they actually get elected and find more lucrative rackets.

Being officially unorganized and local,
the Tea Party has no national spokespersons
--only persons who want to ride it for political advantage.
If the movement were to acquire a national spokesperson,
it would have to be someone who, like themselves,
was a demonstrable moron
on questions of geography,
history, current events, and civics.
The leader would have to proudly be disconnected from, and uninterested, in all institutions of culture and higher learning.

 

So in summation what we have here is a movement of obese low income white people

who attend anti-government rallies on motorized mobility scooters—
with big wire baskets full of Ho hos—
  payed for by the very same government that they see as the source of all their problems.
  There is no  irony deficiency there!

Teabag Memorial In Boston

The other things Tea Partiers share in common are
gullibility, Fox News, lack of sophistication;
but nothing more telling than their willingness to believe all right-wing propaganda
even at the expense of their own self interest. 

This isn’t news, of course,
but what is news is the fact that Tea Party skooter trash
actually entertains the notion they can "take government back"
with their “second amendment remedies”;
that is to say, using their guns and their mobility skooters,
they will some day storm the nation’s capital
and after a bloody skirmish, wrest control of government
from the hands of the United States military.
The sheer lunacy of their collective failure
to think such moronic scenarios through
has brought us an electoral slate of national candidates
so uniquely unqualified to hold office that it has,
more than any other single factor,
brought home just how important it is
to have an educated and well informed electorate.
Normal Americans would like to think
such craziness is restricted to the far fringes of American society,
but that was before Fox News became an unmitigated 24-7 propaganda tool
of a few billionaire plutocrats. 
And what of these tea bag candidates?
They are no different from the last lot of  Republicans.
Once they get in there, they will tow the line for the rich
and leave the people that put them into office
waving their idiotic signs in the street till no one cares any more.
As of now, any Americans found sitting out an election on the sidelines
(such as the coming midterm elections),
deserves to be run over and crushed to death by some morbidly obese tea bagger on a mobility scooter.  May we all learn from their stupid sacrifice!

Monumental Stupidity

We have a consensus among the general population,
 that we would like to see those who were not born
 with fully functioning mental faculties achieve as much as they can in life.
 Aside from Eugenics fans ,
 programs that help the developmentally disabled 
are generally supported by most folks. 

It has become obvious however, that the Republican Party 
has taken this concept way too far. 
The GOP seeks out the dullest dullards 
and most blithering of idiots among them….. 
and selects them to occupy the highest political offices.

I suggest this is not conducive to a functional society.

Sadly, the average GOP voter can not spell “society,” 

let alone comprehend what might be bad for it. 

Why Do Republicans Gleefully Embrace Idiots as Candidates?

The question naturally begs a larger question: 
How can a nation, with the world’s highest national GDP, 
and extremely complex systems regulating everything from credit default swaps
 to nuclear missile safety, possibly allow onto its national stage
 men and women of such obvious inferior intellect?

One might say that there has been a long, pathetic history of anti-intellectual paranoia in American politics. This was documented  by author Richard Hofstadter in his book Anti-Intellectualism in American Life (1963).  You might say that It is like Cerberus, very difficult to defeat. You  chop off a head here or there and another one bites your ass.
No matter how advanced the U.S. becomes in technology, biomedicine, and weaponry, it only attracts a confederacy of dunces of ever decreasing skills and mental capacity as Presidential candidates. This has never been more apparent than this election cycle.

The first impression we might observe is that in Kindergarten, Americans are told that any citizen can grow up to be an astronaut, a millionaire basketball star, or President. Obviously this does not mean that simply any idiot can be an astronaut. It takes a wide range of skills, training, and experience to be considered for a space mission. Nor can any buffoon who buys  sneakers play basketball well.

In America the idea is promoted that no training or knowledge is required to perform a job that is not only more complicated and demanding than piloting spacecraft or being an athlete, but one which regulates these occupations and all sorts of other complex and nuanced occupations around the globe (including undercover agents in foreign lands).

You will do as you are told!

 It baffles me that you can attract a huge amount of support in this country precisely because you lack qualifications to be president. Such reasoning is, in effect, the raison d’etre of all so-called “outside-the-Beltway” campaigns of recent vintage. However, to fully grasp why inexperience, incompetence and outright stupidity has such an emotional hold on Republicans in particular, you have to understand a core principle of conservative orthodoxy: intelligence equates with moral relativism. Which is why, after twice-electing a genuine, but fatally corrupt, thinking person in Richard Nixon, the Republican Party moved away from its historically pragmatic approach in search of imbecilic ideologues. Naturally, this paved the way for conservative extremists, who, while short on brainpower— or perhaps BECAUSE they were short on brainpower, were long on rhetoric and deception. Republican voters have stuck to “party principles” like maggots to rotting meat. When I asked one conservative I know a few years ago how they could possibly support such an obvious dullard as George W. Bush,  they answered “Because I don’t trust the smart ones.”
  

"I am not a smart one!"

     Ronald Reagan became the first of many unambiguous dimwits to animate the corpse of the conservative  monster. Yes, with this post-Nixon strategy, the dwindling GOP intellectual fringe (historically held up by William Buckley, and arguably dieing when he died)  has had to stomach gasp-inducing ignorance of foreign policy basics (e.g., Sarah Palin not knowing that there is a North and South Korea, or her hysterical notion that Sputnik bankrupted the Soviet Union). But, at least they knew their standard-bearer was not going wishy-washy on them (i.e., thinking hard ).

This scheme worked so well with Reagan, it naturally attracted other knuckleheads. First came George Bush Sr.’s running mate, William Danforth Quayle, who promptly displayed his latent stupidity in public at every opportunity. He and his supporters took bold  stances against common sense, Murphy Brown (not even a real person), and spelling.  

The country as a whole was not sufficiently stupid enough yet to actually tolerate a presidential campaign from the likes of Quayle. But after two terms of an intelligent commander-in-chief, Bill Clinton, the country was sufficiently demoralized (not by the notion that a president had sex outside his marriage, after all that has been fairly common throughout the history of the office even though in past administrations this kind of personal crap was not considered newsworthy, but rather because for his entire 8 years some kind of witch hunt was always in progress thanks largely to serial adulterers Newt Gingrich and his page buggering colleagues discussing oral sex on every news outlet and Sesame Street.

America was now sufficiently brain damaged enough to manipulate into complete and utter idiocy.

Enter  Stage Right - George W. Bush, who, like Reagan, enjoyed two terms in office, despite beliefs in brazen poppycock such as Intelligent Design and in the whopper of all disastrous absurdities, that Saddam Hussein was not only Marshalling weapons of mass destruction to directly attack the U.S. (no, he was bluffing to deter his real enemy, neighboring Iran), but that he was also behind 9/11 (never let a good crisis go to waste, eh Mr. Cheney?). Only a true rube could ever believe such specious nonsense. And G.W. Bush – who exemplified the adage, “Never ascribe to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity” — fit the bill. The Republican Party loved him for it, bending over backwards to sanitize and “Hannitize” his many blunders, while selling his disinformation to a gullible American public, further brain damaged from the attacks of 9/11.

At last count, the Iraq Detour has cost this nation trillions of dollars (with more trillions to come, as this country rightfully must keep its commitment to care for wounded and mentally shell-shocked Iraq War veterans and their loved ones). It also cost the lives of 125,000 Iraqi civilians, and many times more than that who’ve been wounded or displaced by the Iraqi misadventure. All because of a lie and Americans’ willingness to either believe that lie or not forthrightly contest it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the empirical cost of stupidity.

Ron Zombie

 After the costly policy blunders of Bush, Jr. — for which this country is still paying dearly in lower credit ratings and draconian cuts in funding for parks, libraries, basic services, education, health, and more.  Our current president has had to spend his entire term cleaning up this Republican mess. However, for reasons racial, political, and anti-intellectual (President Obama is too cosmopolitan, uses words that are too big, he is too nuanced, too calm, too Europe-friendly, etc), Republicans have aggressively sought to cut Obama’s tenure short placing brinksmanship far ahead of economic recovery or the best interests of the country. Fortunately, this time around they lack a bona fide, morally unequivocal, conservative with enough general election appeal to take Obama on.
In this election, the 2012 "candidates" are not qualified to be scout leaders, or dog catchers. let alone be placed in charge of a nation with nuclear arms.
Each hopeful successor to the Republican Dumbass Throne (the most coveted RDT) has proven so cartoonishly dopey as to offend even the intelligence of diehard Iowa Republican primary voters, easily the most unbending conservatives in the U.S.
 

Monumental Stupidity

Celebrating stupidity IS an American exceptionalism, 

 I sure wish we’d do the hell away with it. 

There should be no pride in being deaf to reason, 

and insisting that day is night is not a reason to hold your head up proudly.

Republican voters ought to be truly appalled by what they’ve done, 

and what they’re still trying to do.

I’m sure they would be,

 if they weren’t all morons.

Profiles Of The GOP Candidates - Part 2 - Rick Santurum

Fear And Loathing In The GOP
America's dimmest incompetent xenophobes & homophobes seek to destroy the notion of democracy and make a few bucks in the process.

You have heard the old axiom "every nation has the government it deserves”. Sadly the truth of this is inescapably obvious today in these United States of America. Thanks to the lazy, ignorant, illiterate electorate a toxic brew of political incompetents, corporate lackeys, and self-serving money-grubbing douche-bags; so poisonous to our nation’s government, that it would seem beyond its ability to recover, now inhabit the halls of the nation's government. As we witness the current plague of rapacious circus clowns vying for the nation’s highest office we are inclined to willfully poke a sharp stick in our eyeballs to distract us from the pain.

A jab in the eyeball with a crudely sharpened stick is preferable to listening to any GOP presidential hopeful.

Regressive politics and ruinous political gridlock have left America virtually paralyzed. The collapse of the housing bubble/mortgage crisis continues, as does the financial meltdown that resulted. Incomes for 90% of Americans continue to lag far behind inflation; the middle class is destitute. The political forum ignores any serious issues such as dealing with climate changes, spiraling upwards energy and food prices, a rapacious health insurance system which continues to financially ravage the patients it portends to save, a disastrous trade policy, an ever expanding military budget that dwarfs the rest of the nations in the world combined, to name but a few.

Have you ever heard a more moronic comment?

But what are these assclowns concerned about? None of those things.They are worried about gays being included in civil rights guaranteed by a constitution they have never actually read much less understood , or the fact that some billionaire might have to pay more than half the tax rate a carpenter does.
The endgame is always some sort of advancement of an aristocracy over the notion of democracy.

I Don't Know About You,
But Clowns Have Always Given Us The Creeps

2012 GOP Clown Car Transports Candidates, Pundits & the Zombie Corpse of  Ronald Reagan to Hell.

This country absolutely doesn’t need any level-headed moderates or someone that is fluent in Mandarin like Jon Huntsman. Screw that guy. Good thing he dropped out! He’s a crazy Mormon like Obamney, all they want is to level up so they get their own planet to rule over. What we need are Jackass morons with shit for brains to address the issues that distract us from the reality of the dire circumstances our version of predatory capitalism has unleashed upon the world. "Dick" Santorum fits the bill. 

 

Vote For Me! I'm a P.O.S.!
No really!

Here's the breakdown on the candidate: He is mentioned in the bible (the sweater vest of many colors). He is obsessed with battling homosexuality and seems to feel preventing gays from having weddings is the most important issue in the world.... which more often than not means he's struggling with his own identity issues as we have seen from previous conservative bloviating posers who spend their time denouncing gays such as 20$ Robert "Bob" Allen, Stall man Larry Craig, Richard Curtis, Mark Foley, and Ted Haggard, to name a but a few.

Rick Santorum- candidate...major wanker

He believes in a flat earth originally inhabited by Fred Flintstone and his dino-pals 6,000 years ago. He has some big flag pins that were made in China and like the current speaker of the house is known for crying. He has embarrassed his children and forced them to appear in his campaign ads as props. He was soundly given the boot in 2006 by his home district and removed from congress for generally being a worthless douche-bag embarrassing his constituents.

Rick's surname is synonymous with the combination of fecal matter, spermatozoa, and anal lubricants. (A feat unequaled by the other candidates!). What more could you want in a presidential candidate. Here you finally have a candidate who is a piece of shit both figuratively and literally! Seems to the National Buffoon staff he should be a shoe- in!  Besides, he looks like he'd have a birth certificate and he isn't in one of those wacky non-christian cults like many of his opponents. 

Santorum Should Be A Shoe-In For The GOP Nomination

  In Town For The 12,058th GOP Debate...

Mitt Romney gets into a bar and orders a beer.

I’d like a Budweiser.
There you go, sir.

Romney looks shocked.

I never asked for that! I clearly demanded a Coors light!

The barman avoids a confrontation.

Here’s your Coors light.

Romney stands back.

I never requested this beer! I’m the kind of guy drinking a Guinness!

Michele Bachmann gets in.

Hi, sir. Do you have beers what are not owned by the government?
That would be all of them, ma’am.
I am thirsty. Give me 10,000 pints of your most patriotic beer.

The barman tries to remain calm.

What about I give you one pint, and we see from there?
Are you telling me what I can and can’t drink? You want to take my freedom away?

She glares at the barman with crazy eyes. He decides to ignore her. And Romney as well.

Herman Cain gets in.

Hello sir, I would like to order a beer!
Sure, what do you want?
I don’t know.
Do you want to see the list of beers we carry?
I don’t want to read, I want to order a beer, right now!
So which beer would you like to order?
I don’t know, I just told you!

The barman gives him the same treatment as the other two and sees Rick Santorum getting in.

Hello, my good man. I would like a beer.
Which one?
Oh, I don’t care, whatever you have.
One Bud coming…
But I need you to sign this form to attest that this beer has not been served, transported, made or harvested by homosexuals.

At the same moment, Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich and Jon Huntsman gets in the bar.

The barman grabs his shotgun and shoots himself in the head.

 

Think about this...not too long though lest your head explode..."A third of the young people in America are not in America because of abortion". Huh? And just think how many youngsters are held prisoner in condoms.

Part One of this article featuring Mitt Romney can be found here:

http://nationalbuffoon.blogspot.com/2012/02/profiles-of-gop-candidates-part-one.html

  

The Bill Of Rats Replaces The Bill Of Rights

By National Buffoon Anton Scalia

"I like bubbles an' drool"

The New Bill of Rights

Much has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. The Scalia (TM) Supreme Court has replaced that original outdated document,and no wonder. Since we`ve gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation`s desire to band together was replaced by a general revulsion of people. The birthright of justice and intellectual honesty has been exchanged for a penchant for inequity & unsubstantiated idiocy, the American Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer boom box, the noble exegist for the Exxonmobil.
We are no longer the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should no longer reflect the empowering broad-minded thinking of those Deist revolutionary backwards trouble making upstarts... but rather, the interests of multinational cartels, foreign governments, and descendants of the robber barons. As we begin our assault on the 21st Century, my superficial mephistophelian colleagues on the bench and I have decided it`s time to end the interference of outdated concepts suggested in that damned piece of paper we swore to uphold (Ha ha!... right!) such as human rights, human dignity, and valuing human resources in general. The more modern concepts of human cannibalism, human bondage & human waste will be well represented in the new improved Bill Of Rats.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "anti-commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive speech;" by any sizable corporate lobbyist. Nor shall congress impinge upon the right of the people to peaceably assemble crappy imported furniture, where and when permitted; nor shall abridge the rights of Senators to proposition the juvenile pages of their personal choice. Government shall refer all cases of redress of grievances to Verizon's automated customer service in Calcutta. It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared protected by one or more divisions of Goldman Sachs, in which case the number of persons shall be one or more except on Fridays, after 3 P.M. every 3rd month excluding leap years.
AMENDMENT II

A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the President of Walmart. The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall be permited as long as they agree to being hypnotized for occasional assasinations of citizens viewed as subversive threats by Bank Of America executives.

AMENDMENT III

Common citizens shall, in time of peace, be drawn and quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or believed may be used, for some purpose by AIG or one of it's numerous dummy corporations.




AMENDMENT IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may be suspended to protect corporate welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to Walmart.

"I'm holding in a fart, it will travel up my spine to my brain so I can have some shitty ideas"


AMENDMENT V

Any person may be held indefinitely for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts, American Express, MacDonald's corporation, China National Petroleum, J.P. Morgan Chase & Company, Comcast, AT&T or by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; may be compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties.

Justice Clarance Thomas


AMENDMENT VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused, according to the size of his bank account or credit line, shall enjoy the right to avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury. And any persons guilty of poverty will be incarcerated without possible parole indefinitely unless needed for military service by Exxonmobil.

" Corporations are people, but women are not."


AMENDMENT VII

In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may interest the public, the right of trial in the media shall not be abridged.

"Resistance is futile"

AMENDMENT VIII

Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that private prisons remain in operation and are profitable. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available unless they are a threat to an aristocrat, a CEO, or one of their designated agents masquerading as a Senator.



AMENDMENT IX

The enumeration in The Constitution of rights shall be construed to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall themselves become enacted by Amendment or whim of a Supreme Court Justice.

AMENDMENT X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be deemed to be powers residing in corporations holding appointment therein through the secret defense private contractors, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments as determined by the corporate interest. The public interest shall be determined by it's designated representatives, lobbyists on K street.