Republicans

{The\ Republican\ Party}, is also known affectionately as the God/Guns & Oil Party (GOP). It is a division of Halliburton and a subsidiary of the Federalist Society Of Major Dickheads , formerly known as the Federal Government of the United States. Its main function is to boost the sales of Chinese made flag lapel pins and magnets. As of 2007, despite receiving a good ol' Texas 'thumpin' it is one of the largest misanthropic organizations in the world. Well known for its Ultra-Orthodox Fascist practice of plutocratic centrism, in which no party member is allowed to disagree with the central organization for any reason. In fact I knew a guy who tried to disagree once. They later found his dead body floating in the Potomac River. His corpse displayed signs of torture and wild violation. This causes Republicans great stress and results in bi-weekly mass Republican orgies in public toilets in Washington, DC.and elsewhere.

Subdivisions

Rockefeller Republicans

An endangered species. These guys are the ones that are slowly being killed off by sectarian death squads. They are mostly well-educated and wealthy suburbanites and are quite moderate, a lot of them are even pro-choice and pro-gay. Some of them are very, very pro-gay. These guys were in power before Pat Robertson started to making bizzare clicks and grunts that awoke hordes of  brain eating zombies. Currently, they are in fact listed as an "Endangered Species" by the Endangered Species Act due to hunting by radical clerics and population reduction due to loss of habitat due to their own economic policies. Many of members of this sub-species live in Log Cabins.

A new study shows current members of Congress speak at a 10th grade level.
When reached for comment, Congressman Eric Cantor said, “Nuh-uh!”

Republican Republicans

A sub-species that dominates the modern republican party. Their natural range is the Bible Belt and mosquito infested swamps. They are sometimes confused with zombies on election day as any resident of a town of less than 100,000 people and that is more than 300 miles inland would say. However, this strain of zombieism is different than any others as its members/hosts are still metabolically active and reproduce.  Because of the emerging overpopulation of zombies attributed to this, a new, compassionate campaign of "spay and neuter your fundy" has begun. Also, the common mink has been introduced to act as predators in areas just outside of these creatures' home range, such as Colorado and Ohio. This strategy of zombie management has sustained some success in the last year or so. In fact, wildlife experts are becoming cautiously optimistic that this vermin species can be contained.

Tea Party Republicans
The dirty, ugly, fat and inbred white trash. Predominantly NRA members who drink in excess and wear white sheets. Usually they live in old trailer parks or run down shacks. Favorite foods include "Turducken" and "Chicken Fried Bacon". All suffer from  morbid obesity and love to chug gravy. Hobbies also inlucde: banjo playing, watching NASCAR, and incest.

Republican Convention

Tree Chopper Republicans Also known as "tree kicker republicans". These guys are the antithesis to tree huggers and have a clinical hatred of nearly every tree species known to man. If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it fall, most likely it's because a republican is quietly leveling a forest in order to build another shopping mall. In their spare time they start forest fires.

Origins

The Republican Party was founded by Your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, well-known for His free-market  pro-gun, anti-abortion (so you can shoot the sheriff when he comes and arrests you for abortion), anti-tax, anti-poor, & anti-Liberal stance. He once said the poor are fat and lazy bastards that are only alive because Democrats steal Republicans money to "give" to the lazy workers, middle class spud heads & stinky poor".

Glory Days

The Republicans  took  control of the Roman Empire, which led to a  unprecedented decline and decay.
The Log Cabin Faction became the leaders and the Roman Empire was eventually destroyed while they were busy fiddling with their logs.

Born Again

In the early 1900s, George Washington re-established Republican values by drive-by shooting Queen Victoria and her son Jack the Ripper. Americans have been ruled by fear ever since. except for 8 years when Bill Clinton terrorized the bible belt with his blatant heterosexuality.

The Seal Of The Republican Party (before the teabaggers).

Today
Republicans are very loyal to their own of any political party members.  Even if you raped over 9000 boys, you would still be applauded by the National Committee for your bravery and patriotism. Also Republicans do not believe in science, truth, psychology, gravity, common sense, and free will, unlike their radical commie counter parts the Democrats. Republican daily life revolves around the office and church. The average Republican will usually wake up at six in the morning & spend the day yelling at servants while constantly abusing Mexicans, teenagers and middle class folks who have an education.  After a hard day of yelling, shiting on the floor,  demanding servants clean it up, and eating, the republican packs up the children and goes to church. At church, the Republican speaks in tongues, shaves its pubes and handles snakes while the children are taught to forget everything they learned in science class. At church they also take part in occultist rituals and human sacrifice. They often repeat this for 6 days a week, except for Saturday after church, when the "coon-hunting" occurs.

GOP POLICIES

• Lower education standards.
• Lower taxes AND raise deficit spending.
• Scare the hell out of people so they condone Endless War.
• Dump the American greenback currency in favor of condor gonads and manatee hides.
• Increasing government spending to fund a wasteful military-industrial complex and give welfare to greedy corporations.
• Preach about God
• Erect  monuments to dumb-ass's like  Bill O'Reilly.
• Faith based initiatives..."What would Satan do?"
  

  

  Sean Hannity exaggerates the size of his penis

  
  

  

  The GOP Seal (after the teabaggers)

  

  
  

Know Your Tea Party Douche Bags

OLYMPIA, Washington -- The newly elected Republican legislators-enough to keep control of the House of Reprehensibles--have arrived at the capital in Washington....the state of Washington,
raising the possibility that the House in D.C. will be in Democratic hands.

The wave of clueless douche bags
supported by the Tea Party movement,
arrived in Olympia by bus,  unaware that it is a state capital
rather than the national one.
Their constituents would be disappointed figuring

 that they knew the capitol is on the east side of the country...
We say "would be disappointed"
if they weren't low functioning invertebrates
incapable of any response beyond fear & anger
As their meager neural net is primarily occupied
entirely by the strain of using flagella and cilia
for locomotion.
The Washington state legislature was in session 

when the buffoons arrived but was not
disposed to let the out-of-staters participate.

Marco Rubio, the Senator from America's wang, Florida;
demanded the mining of cheese on the moon begin at once.


He was disappointed to find that the subject
was nowhere on the agenda in Olympia.
"I presume the bill is originating over in the House then," he said.



Who Are These Tea Baggers
And What The Hell Do They Want?
The movement has no national platform,

 but local chapters spend hours assembling statements of positions, 

which may or may not include the following planks:

• Shouting down people in wheelchairs at town halls
• Impeaching the President for no apparent reason
• Keeping "Gubbermint" socialism out of their Social Security checks
• Generally mucking up stuff so it can't work
• Immediate implementation of nursery school level concepts of economics
• All types of inane absurdity outweighing veridical reality

Tea Party platforms often coincide with things that Republicans say,
before they actually get elected and find more lucrative rackets.

Being officially unorganized and local,
the Tea Party has no national spokespersons
--only persons who want to ride it for political advantage.
If the movement were to acquire a national spokesperson,
it would have to be someone who, like themselves,
was a demonstrable moron
on questions of geography,
history, current events, and civics.
The leader would have to proudly be disconnected from, and uninterested, in all institutions of culture and higher learning.

 

So in summation what we have here is a movement of obese low income white people

who attend anti-government rallies on motorized mobility scooters—
with big wire baskets full of Ho hos—
  payed for by the very same government that they see as the source of all their problems.
  There is no  irony deficiency there!

Teabag Memorial In Boston

The other things Tea Partiers share in common are
gullibility, Fox News, lack of sophistication;
but nothing more telling than their willingness to believe all right-wing propaganda
even at the expense of their own self interest. 

This isn’t news, of course,
but what is news is the fact that Tea Party skooter trash
actually entertains the notion they can "take government back"
with their “second amendment remedies”;
that is to say, using their guns and their mobility skooters,
they will some day storm the nation’s capital
and after a bloody skirmish, wrest control of government
from the hands of the United States military.
The sheer lunacy of their collective failure
to think such moronic scenarios through
has brought us an electoral slate of national candidates
so uniquely unqualified to hold office that it has,
more than any other single factor,
brought home just how important it is
to have an educated and well informed electorate.
Normal Americans would like to think
such craziness is restricted to the far fringes of American society,
but that was before Fox News became an unmitigated 24-7 propaganda tool
of a few billionaire plutocrats. 
And what of these tea bag candidates?
They are no different from the last lot of  Republicans.
Once they get in there, they will tow the line for the rich
and leave the people that put them into office
waving their idiotic signs in the street till no one cares any more.
As of now, any Americans found sitting out an election on the sidelines
(such as the coming midterm elections),
deserves to be run over and crushed to death by some morbidly obese tea bagger on a mobility scooter.  May we all learn from their stupid sacrifice!

The U.S. Government- A Civics Lesson

Holding America Hostage

“Nothing stops odor terror like Febreeze™, the original Freedom™ fabric-refresher. Give your home a breath of fresh air!”
~ Former President George W. Bush on Febreeze™ fabric-refresher

The federal government of the United States is one of the most well-known

Freemason corporate autocracy

corporate-sponsored public service programs in the United States. The 'Government' creates laws and maintains order so that citizens of the United States may concentrate on buying products from corporations.

The Constitution

The Constitution of the United States was created for subsequent nitwits elected to congress to use for toilet paper. The board members of Toyota thought it'd be a good idea to try to put some funny ideas on paper to entertain fellow self appointed aristocrats and mislead the peasantry. It was kind of fun, but was quickly forgotten after the lyrics to "Rappers Delight" was released; a song by the funk band Sugarhill Gang, which George Washington and Ben Franklin had penned before the music industry collapsed.

You can't win the War on Christmas if you don't win the Battle of Thanksgiving.

The holiday wars are in full swing friends. I was simply going about my day to day activities until I saw (thankfully) this bit of wingnut scribbles over on the site for unhinged mental defectives known as "newsbusters"... it's penned by one of the site's leading imbeciles, and clearly demonstrates the extent to which some drool eschewing lunatics will go to "expose" the secular human's war on Supply Side Jesus and his sacred holidays. (Here's a link to the article.)
Newsbusters' Carolyn Plocher is very upset that network morning shows have offered tips on how to avoid excessive Thanksgiving calorie consumption! This is obviously a communist/atheist/"librul" plot to undermine the baby Jesus, America, and decency in general.
In the past week, from Nov. 18-24, five network stories have bashed traditional Thanksgiving food because it's not "healthy." With the nation in a recession and the unemployment rate soaring, the "librul" media want Americans to worry about their health too. Each of the networks offered tips on how to avoid the "most gut-busting holiday of the year," as Harry Smith of CBS's "Early Show" put it. SCANDALOUS!

After looking at the videos of the various town halls, tea bagger and Fox Noose sponsored hate events, I'd say whatever efforts the media are making to keep folks from eating too much aren't picking up much traction. After all girth is next to godliness.

It's A Miracle! (we aren't extinct)

Editorial note- National Buffoon makes a distinction between "God" & "religion". No offense is intended to any belief in particular or in general however we do poke sharp sticks in the eyes of organizations that profess to speak for Gods and generally mock conventional thought in ways that are of questionable taste...so if your offended by such things, well it's best to skip this post. No hard feelings.

If not, have a few chuckles at the expense of Pat Robertson, charlatans and their patsies everywhere.

But first...
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You have to wonder about that claim that there no more pedophiles in the priesthood than the rest of the population when products like this are sold...
Maybe it's true, but you know, in the general population, child molesters aren't promoted and protected as a rule. The practice is usually frowned upon instead of institutionalized.
There's nothing sublime about this product of "faith".
I guess everybody's got a right to make a buck.
And rectory's have a right to decorate as they choose....yet....

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Finally
This week's Article is brought to you by...

And of course The Stinky Bros. Circus is in town!
You got tickets, like it or not to the freak show.
Front and center!

Ok, On With The Main Feature!
The Miracles...no not Smokey Robinson...

Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping
Submitted by National Buffoon Religion Correspondent Elmer Gantry

Bryan Texas, --The Pachuca family of Bryan says an image on their pickup truck is a miracle. The image that came in an unlikely form of a bird dropping appeared on Sunday. That was the first time Salvador Pachuca had been back to the home since having an accident there four months ago. "I told my brothers come over here and see what this is and they say this is the Virgin," he said. Family members made their way outside to see the image on the truck's side mirror. Cristal Pachuca said she took pictures and began making calls to invite others to see, what she describes as, a miracle. "We just all feel protected. It's a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it," says Cristal Pachuca. Cristal says the truck doesn't get much use, but last weekend her husband decided to take it out of their garage and wash it. A few moments later the image appeared. Since Sunday, a steady stream of family, friends, neighbors and strangers has stopped by to pray and take pictures of the image.
This only goes to show you that if you wash your car a bird will crap on it.
In a related story it's rumored that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has fashioned a statue of Ronald Reagan made completely from Dog Crap.
2nd Coming Comings and Goings

Have you ever wondered what kind of reception Jesus would receive if he poped in on today's world? Well here's an indication.
A Swedish man who claimed he was the son of God has been sentenced to prison in Norway for unlawful driving. On one occasion, the man attempted to hide his expired registration tabs by fashioning false plates out of cardboard, but Norwegian police saw through the ruse.
In a four month span in 2008, the 46-year-old Swede was picked up four times for driving without a license by Norwegian police in various towns outside of the capital Oslo, according to the Norwegian newspaper Moss Avis.
The Swede defended his actions during questioning by police in the town of Moss,
arguing he was Jesus, the son of God, and that he ruled the world.
As a result, the Swede argued, he didn’t need to abide by earthly driving regulations.
But the district court in Moss didn’t buy the man’s holy defense, and sentenced him to 30 days in prison and fined him 2,000 Norwegian kronor ($360).


How Does He Do It Time And Time Again?
Pat Robertson pinches off another sermon for his followers.
The man is just full of these things!
Here he is hard at work preparing to deliver another fire and brimstone crowd pleaser.
You GO Pat...
Is there anyone you haven't grossly offended yet?
The only ones I can think of are illiterate nincompoops.
Why not condemn them too?
"Anyone who pays the slightest attention to what I say has made a deal with Beelzebub and is in hell right now with a big ol' pitchfork in their butt...and that's a fact!".


Texan Chicken Farmers Find Cross Of Jesus On EggNo one ever sees the real Santa Claus, but Jesus is everywhere.
At least in Texas.

In Burleson, grandly billed as a “city, 13 miles south of Fort Worth”
Jesus on a cross has appeared on the top of a hen’s egg.
That's right. While the angels dance on pin heads,
the King of Kings is manifest in the chicken shed at Tracy and Pam Norrell’s farm.

The Norell’s tell the media that the egg was laid “straight from heaven”.
“This time of the year, we get so taken up with the presents and money and we forget about the reason. I think he [God] was just telling us he is the reason for the season.”
Yeah, whatever. The egg is for sale on E-Bay.

New Cult

A new cult has formed around the "Banana Jesus"

Lisa Swinton has seen the face of Jesus on her banana. Says she: “I was like ‘Oh my God! It’s Jesus on a banana!’ I got it out of the fruit bowl and was about to peel it and eat it when I saw his face.” If fruit has a face will vegans eat it? Discuss.
Miss Swinton had no qualms. She ate the damned banana before the cult leader could take up a collection .

The Virgin Mary Appears On A Potato Chip
I don't know, just looks like a dark spot to me...

A Boston area woman found a potato chip with what she says appears to be the image of the Virgin Mary on it. Jane Symington found the edible Virgin Mary lookalike in a bag of Lay's potato chips on Friday afternoon. Symington told FOX news that she plans to put the chip on eBay. I've not come across anyone finding the likeness of Muhammad nor of Joseph, Jesus’s step-dad. But National Buffoon pledges to be non-partisan in such matters should such a crisp be found!

The Virgin Of Aunt Jamima
Batter up!
Apparently supernatural beings
have nothing better to do than show up on pancakes,
chips, rust stains and what-not.
Must not be much to do up in the clouds...
Of course for a fee you can buy it on E Bay.

Plumber Finds Savior On bread

Plumber David Howlett discovered Jesus on his naan bread at "India Dining" in Surrey, England. Says David: "I spotted Jesus looking back at me. It was one eerie experience given how close we were to Christmas." He ate the bread but is selling pictures if anyone is dumb enough to buy one.

News of a Jesus sighting on an iron in Massachusetts!
The brownish residue on the bottom of the iron looks like the face of a man with long hair.
The owner was raised Catholic. She and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Jesus and is proof that "he's listening."
She plans to keep the iron in a closet and buy a new one.
Personally it looks a bit more like a Klingon than Jesus to me.
Maybe Che Guevara will appear on my lampshade?
Just looks like a stain to me...

Image Of Micheal Jackson Appears on Tree Stump
The Need To Nose
Not to be outdone, Micheal Jackson has returned as a stump in South Carolina.
Fans have gathered and the Jackson family has rushed to the scene to charge for pictures.
The uncanny resemblance is remarkable enough, but fans say if you stick your ear up to where his nose should be you can actually hear the ocean!
To Honor the M.J. appearance in Oak,
J.C. Penney is having a Micheal Jackson Sale.
Yes, boys pants are half off!

Jabba the Rush Temple Now Open
The new temple is called "the Limbaugh-Hindenburg Temple".
To honor flaming Nazi gasbags ....and dirigibles.
That ain't incense they're burning.
But we've smelled this before.

New Christian Butcher Shop Opens
Come on down to Jesus's Butcher Shop.
Where they are always pleased to meat yor BBQ needs.
The owner is perplexed that his kosher
pork chops haven't found a market yet.
But his Matzoh of God soup sells well.
So do the Dead Sea Scones.
Reminder- Catholics are forbidden to use condiments by papal decree.
But everyone else has some ketch-up work to do.
On Tuesdays they have nothing butt rump roast.
(This is bringing out the wurst of the puns!)


Depressed? Join the club!

In The Interest Of Fairness, Here Are A Few Words From Idol Worshipers Who Requested A Rebuttal...
Right, Right, Right,Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Alphabet Soup For The Illiterate

Or... The ABC's Of The State Of The Union

A is for Afghanistan ("Gays should have the right to die there.")


B is for Bailouts (" they are like a root canal.")


C is for Corporations ("They are not people, too!")


D is for Deficit Reduction ("Political cover to win independents!")


E is for Education and Energy Policy ("O...ur best defense against China.")


F is for Future Generations ("Oh, Remember them?")


G is for Geithner ("I'd rather talk about Jeremiah Wright.")


H is for Healthcare Reform ("I will not walk away.")


I is for Immigration Reform ("Let's punt. See above.")


J is for Jobs Bill ("On my desk without delay." Or Steve Jobs- (see below).


K is for K Street ("Worse than even Wall Street.")


L is for Lost Decade ("Republican Voodoo Economics.")


M is for Middle Class ("SOS. Endangered species.")


N is for Nobel Prize ("Seems like forever ago...")


O is for Obesity ("Michelle is on it, Fat Kids On Notice.")


P is for Permanent Campaign ("Crippling you cowards.")


Q is for Qaueda, Al ("On the run.")


R is for Recovery Act ("Not so bad after all." Loans Mostly Paid Back )


S is for Small Businesses ("The Engine!")


T is for Tea Baggers ("I don't quit.")


U is for Unions ("I'd rather talk about Geithner.")


V is for Values ("A Macarena to the political center")


W is for Washington ("For Shame.")


X is for Xtradition and Enhanced Interrogation Tactics ("Let's talk about root canals.")


Y is for Yes, we still can!


Z is for Zen ("Still got it.")

Obama did strategically very well with this speech. I have 2 questions though.
Can he implement? And where is the bone for the liberals-progressives who played a large roll in getting him elected? They are disillusioned. Throw them something to get excited about too.

Of course The State Of The Union was small potatoes compared to Steve Jobs Jobs Jobs announcement about Apple's new gadget.

Or
the "White President's" Speech.
Staged...where else? The Virginia location where
Jefferson Davis delivered his speech as President of the Confederacy.
Symbolism...or Irony?
You decide.

(click to enlarge)


...Of Course Field Observations Reveal we should expect business as usual.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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