What Super Powers Does God Possess?

We all know full well that supernatural powers come in many forms.
From the tingly spidey-sense of Spiderman, to the rubber limbs of  Reed Richards;
from the ability to ingest mass quantities of illegal substances of Kieth Richards, 
to the thunderbolt attack of Pikachu. 
Superman, of course,  has a plethora of them.
But nobody is said to possess more super powers than the God of Abrahamic religions.
Kryptonite can not even defeat his superpowers!  Nope.  

God pokes Adam in the eyeball

 However it has come to the attention of The National Buffoon staff that there is more myth than pith to this P.R. campaign. For instance it is apparent he was unable to create mankind the way he had hoped.
It seems those he created in his image, the humans, turned out rather badly in his own view. 
God decided to drown 'em all and try again...
maybe with skunks or squids as the dominant life form going forward.
His superpower of omniscience apparently failed as he did not forsee how mankind would turn out (or perhaps he's just fond of  drowning people). His superpower of eternal consistency failed next. He changed his mind, and didn't actually drown everybody,  instead  he decided not to start everything over after all. So much for eternal wisdom I suppose. Furthermore, it appears he is limited by the following paradox: Can God create a stone so heavy that he himself cannot lift it? If he can, then he does not have unlimited strength, but if he cannot, his powers of creation are limited.
In Judges 1:19 -
it is revealed that  Iron Chariots are this God's kryptonite. "Now the LORD was with Judah, and they took possession of the hill country; but they could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley because they had iron chariots.". This explains why God is also dismal at preventing car crashes.

Ok, it's not the devil, it's some actor. But he looks like the devil eh?

God's superpowers of perfect goodness and/or omnipotence seem to constantly fail.
Surely the universe could have been created without suffering.
Even morons like National Buffoon contributors could figure out how to give mankind freewill
while still teaching  mankind to become good and attain salvation
(of course, contributors to the National Buffoon are not nearly as smart as they think they are...
although they do like to pretend that they are Gods from time to time).
For example, a perfectly wise and all-powerful being could certainly create a universe where each and every soul was led, through reasonably wise and compassionate teachings,
to redeem itself and earn  a halo...
no matter how long it might take.
After all, God is without time, so  there is literally all the time in the universe to save the wayward humans. Either God was unable to create such a universe, in which case his  superpower of omnipotence failed; or else he really enjoys giving Sudanese babies diseases which make them poop themselves to death or allowing GOP presidential debates to be televised over and over until mankind's IQ is diminished by 80 points. In this case the superpower of perfect goodness is an eternal  big flop.

That's right folks, every sinner is and will be born with no choice of escape whether they like it or not. I suppose Christians will argue that Son O God offers some salvation if you follow the rules of one of 50,000 cults that claim to know just what this procedure is (It usually involves giving cash to some guy with an awful toupee, wears a purple dress, or some kind of pointy hat).

The rational man must eliminate wasteful thinking such as religions

 In a universe created and ruled by an incompetent, impotent,
or perhaps even evil God, mankind cannot even look to
Superman, Bat Man, Bono, or Atom Ant to save them.
God holds all the cards, and they are marked.
Or does he?
One can  kiss ass and grovel in hope that they aren't one of the individuals singled out to die in cancerous agony and then be tortured eternally in Hell after that.
Or not.
What have you got to lose?
Forget this nonsense, live your life as best you can and respect others doing the same and chances are no different regarding being force fed your own liver by some horned demon concocted by some lonely tribesman who also believed that eating a shrimp or shaving would condemn your eternal soul...a guy who didn't have sense enough to stop wandering around in the desert thousands of years ago.
The universe will end in heat death regardless of whether or not you grovel and kiss holy butt.
The past is gone.
A mere memory that will disappear with your eventual demise.
The future is always in the future,
it never exists.
What about the present?
Well sorry, but I didn't get you one.
(Yes, all you have, all you really know, is right here right now in this very nanosecond.)

  If  a God really existed and had super powers as advertised,
why did he not use them to prevent  Steven Tyler
 from singing the National Anthem at a televised sporting event?
 Certainly any decent deity would cure AIDS,
 turn Russel Brand into a radish,
 and bring lasting peace to the Middle East.

 Alas the only super powers we can bear witness to,
 are
 continuing invisibility,
and the appearance of an occasional icon
on some toast, a crisp, or some stain in a men's room stall in Alabama. 

Have a nice Opus Dei!

Reason's Greetings!

  

On this day a savior was born of a virgin, she wrapped in swaddling clothes & laid him in a manger. The ox & the ass bowed down before him. Three kings from the orient came from afar bearing precious gifts.
Then a spaceship landed and the Grays attempted to kidnap him; but Moses, Hercules, Santa & Underdog fought them off.

Frustrated, they used the time machine from the Philadelphia Experiment to materialize in 1977 (you know, the year of two sevens according to Nostradamus) which is when they founded the Bavarian Illuminati. Being able to travel through time they killed Einstein because  he knew too much... as well as JFK because the Grays are really in the CIA and are Cuban.  They hypnotized the U.S. government  into spending billions of dollars shuttling Elvis from Roswell to the Bermuda Triangle and back in black helicopters stopping occasionally to make lovely designs in cornfields or to allow Elvis to get a snack (all those cattle mutilations). Yes the world, and indeed the universe is run by a shadow cartel of evil conspirators who despite being able to remain completely secret and unknown to millions, take over every government,  control every aspect of mankind's destiny, and impose their fancy on  everything; somehow just can not resist leaving clues on major public monuments and currency and are powerless against some guy with a sign about it screaming on a New York City corner.  This of course makes the lesser known Batman villain look like Professor Moriarty.

Reason's Greetings from the staff at National Buffoon!

It's A Miracle! (we aren't extinct)

Editorial note- National Buffoon makes a distinction between "God" & "religion". No offense is intended to any belief in particular or in general however we do poke sharp sticks in the eyes of organizations that profess to speak for Gods and generally mock conventional thought in ways that are of questionable taste...so if your offended by such things, well it's best to skip this post. No hard feelings.

If not, have a few chuckles at the expense of Pat Robertson, charlatans and their patsies everywhere.

But first...
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Maybe it's true, but you know, in the general population, child molesters aren't promoted and protected as a rule. The practice is usually frowned upon instead of institutionalized.
There's nothing sublime about this product of "faith".
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And of course The Stinky Bros. Circus is in town!
You got tickets, like it or not to the freak show.
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Ok, On With The Main Feature!
The Miracles...no not Smokey Robinson...

Image Of Virgin Mary Appears In Bird Dropping
Submitted by National Buffoon Religion Correspondent Elmer Gantry

Bryan Texas, --The Pachuca family of Bryan says an image on their pickup truck is a miracle. The image that came in an unlikely form of a bird dropping appeared on Sunday. That was the first time Salvador Pachuca had been back to the home since having an accident there four months ago. "I told my brothers come over here and see what this is and they say this is the Virgin," he said. Family members made their way outside to see the image on the truck's side mirror. Cristal Pachuca said she took pictures and began making calls to invite others to see, what she describes as, a miracle. "We just all feel protected. It's a blessing to our family and to everybody that comes to see it," says Cristal Pachuca. Cristal says the truck doesn't get much use, but last weekend her husband decided to take it out of their garage and wash it. A few moments later the image appeared. Since Sunday, a steady stream of family, friends, neighbors and strangers has stopped by to pray and take pictures of the image.
This only goes to show you that if you wash your car a bird will crap on it.
In a related story it's rumored that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has fashioned a statue of Ronald Reagan made completely from Dog Crap.
2nd Coming Comings and Goings

Have you ever wondered what kind of reception Jesus would receive if he poped in on today's world? Well here's an indication.
A Swedish man who claimed he was the son of God has been sentenced to prison in Norway for unlawful driving. On one occasion, the man attempted to hide his expired registration tabs by fashioning false plates out of cardboard, but Norwegian police saw through the ruse.
In a four month span in 2008, the 46-year-old Swede was picked up four times for driving without a license by Norwegian police in various towns outside of the capital Oslo, according to the Norwegian newspaper Moss Avis.
The Swede defended his actions during questioning by police in the town of Moss,
arguing he was Jesus, the son of God, and that he ruled the world.
As a result, the Swede argued, he didn’t need to abide by earthly driving regulations.
But the district court in Moss didn’t buy the man’s holy defense, and sentenced him to 30 days in prison and fined him 2,000 Norwegian kronor ($360).


How Does He Do It Time And Time Again?
Pat Robertson pinches off another sermon for his followers.
The man is just full of these things!
Here he is hard at work preparing to deliver another fire and brimstone crowd pleaser.
You GO Pat...
Is there anyone you haven't grossly offended yet?
The only ones I can think of are illiterate nincompoops.
Why not condemn them too?
"Anyone who pays the slightest attention to what I say has made a deal with Beelzebub and is in hell right now with a big ol' pitchfork in their butt...and that's a fact!".


Texan Chicken Farmers Find Cross Of Jesus On EggNo one ever sees the real Santa Claus, but Jesus is everywhere.
At least in Texas.

In Burleson, grandly billed as a “city, 13 miles south of Fort Worth”
Jesus on a cross has appeared on the top of a hen’s egg.
That's right. While the angels dance on pin heads,
the King of Kings is manifest in the chicken shed at Tracy and Pam Norrell’s farm.

The Norell’s tell the media that the egg was laid “straight from heaven”.
“This time of the year, we get so taken up with the presents and money and we forget about the reason. I think he [God] was just telling us he is the reason for the season.”
Yeah, whatever. The egg is for sale on E-Bay.

New Cult

A new cult has formed around the "Banana Jesus"

Lisa Swinton has seen the face of Jesus on her banana. Says she: “I was like ‘Oh my God! It’s Jesus on a banana!’ I got it out of the fruit bowl and was about to peel it and eat it when I saw his face.” If fruit has a face will vegans eat it? Discuss.
Miss Swinton had no qualms. She ate the damned banana before the cult leader could take up a collection .

The Virgin Mary Appears On A Potato Chip
I don't know, just looks like a dark spot to me...

A Boston area woman found a potato chip with what she says appears to be the image of the Virgin Mary on it. Jane Symington found the edible Virgin Mary lookalike in a bag of Lay's potato chips on Friday afternoon. Symington told FOX news that she plans to put the chip on eBay. I've not come across anyone finding the likeness of Muhammad nor of Joseph, Jesus’s step-dad. But National Buffoon pledges to be non-partisan in such matters should such a crisp be found!

The Virgin Of Aunt Jamima
Batter up!
Apparently supernatural beings
have nothing better to do than show up on pancakes,
chips, rust stains and what-not.
Must not be much to do up in the clouds...
Of course for a fee you can buy it on E Bay.

Plumber Finds Savior On bread

Plumber David Howlett discovered Jesus on his naan bread at "India Dining" in Surrey, England. Says David: "I spotted Jesus looking back at me. It was one eerie experience given how close we were to Christmas." He ate the bread but is selling pictures if anyone is dumb enough to buy one.

News of a Jesus sighting on an iron in Massachusetts!
The brownish residue on the bottom of the iron looks like the face of a man with long hair.
The owner was raised Catholic. She and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Jesus and is proof that "he's listening."
She plans to keep the iron in a closet and buy a new one.
Personally it looks a bit more like a Klingon than Jesus to me.
Maybe Che Guevara will appear on my lampshade?
Just looks like a stain to me...

Image Of Micheal Jackson Appears on Tree Stump
The Need To Nose
Not to be outdone, Micheal Jackson has returned as a stump in South Carolina.
Fans have gathered and the Jackson family has rushed to the scene to charge for pictures.
The uncanny resemblance is remarkable enough, but fans say if you stick your ear up to where his nose should be you can actually hear the ocean!
To Honor the M.J. appearance in Oak,
J.C. Penney is having a Micheal Jackson Sale.
Yes, boys pants are half off!

Jabba the Rush Temple Now Open
The new temple is called "the Limbaugh-Hindenburg Temple".
To honor flaming Nazi gasbags ....and dirigibles.
That ain't incense they're burning.
But we've smelled this before.

New Christian Butcher Shop Opens
Come on down to Jesus's Butcher Shop.
Where they are always pleased to meat yor BBQ needs.
The owner is perplexed that his kosher
pork chops haven't found a market yet.
But his Matzoh of God soup sells well.
So do the Dead Sea Scones.
Reminder- Catholics are forbidden to use condiments by papal decree.
But everyone else has some ketch-up work to do.
On Tuesdays they have nothing butt rump roast.
(This is bringing out the wurst of the puns!)


Depressed? Join the club!

In The Interest Of Fairness, Here Are A Few Words From Idol Worshipers Who Requested A Rebuttal...
Right, Right, Right,Yeah, Yeah, Yeah...

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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