Sunday, February 5, 2012

Profiles Of The GOP Candidates- Part One- MITT ROMNEY

It has been said by the punditry that Mitt Romney is the 'man to beat' in the race to become the Republican nomination for President in the 2012 election. We here at National Buffoon agree he definitely needs a good beating or at least a spanking. Mitt Romney is often accused of 'flip-flopping', but our investigative reporters could find no evidence to support this claim. Every photo uncovered showed him wearing shoes, and never any kind of sandals, let alone a pair of flip flops.

Mitt Romey is a sinister cult member, Moron, Mormon from Michigan. In fact he used to be a Mormon Missionary, so he is well used to poking his nose into other people's business and telling them what to do, which is why he wants to be President.

Mitt explains why the federal government must intervene in the personal lives of citizens and why they must not.

  Romney inherited a ton of dough, and keeps much of it in offshore accounts
to avoid the meager 15% tax he'd have to pay if he kept it
in legitimate accounts here in the U.S.A.
As a vulture capitalist he has a long history of raiding companies using borrowed money, dumping the debt incurred from the purchase on the company purchased, firing a bunch of workers and replacing them with cheap sweatshops in exotic locales, and then re-badging the business and dumping it on some schmucks for a tidy profit...or just bankrupting it and pocketing scores of millions of greenbacks in the process.

Mitt is hoping the fact that he is a descendant of Mormons who moved to Mexico from the U.S. in the late 1800s to avoid the laws against polygamy will score him some big time Latino voters
. His grandfather and father were born in the northern state of Chihuahua after all.
(I hope he has his official birth certificate...with a, a walrus just won't do).
His father came to the U.S. with his parents at age five. 
  Addressing complaints from  voters that his new Spanish-language Nosotros TV commercial was Greek to them, Gov. Mitt Romney’s campaign today released a subtitled version of the ad, available here for the first time in this National Buffoon exclusive video. 

Romney recently called a press conference to address growing concerns regarding rumors circulating that his undergarments possess some type of magical properties. The 64-year old former Massachusetts Governor was adamant that his underwear was just as normal as anyone else's.

“Look, Mormons catch a lot of flack for their underwear, but my underpants are just as normal as anyone else's,” explained Romney. “People joke that Mormons wear `magic' underwear, but that's just nonsense.

 Our underpants represent our faith, and remind us that we need to stay pure. Every single time we see our underpants on us, it's like God is saying `dude, I know you're all alone, and you thought Jim's third wife was pretty risque showing off those ankles of hers, but look at your underwear!'
It's like a chastity belt you see, but without all the chaffing.”

Romney responded harshly to a question from the audience from a journalist asking how the underwear could stop someone from playing with themselves. “Look, it's all a part of the Mormon faith, okay? The underwear is just a last line of defense. When I pee, I use my special salad tongs to handle the equipment. When I'm showering, I need to use a special sponge-ladle with needles sticking out of it, to make sure I get no pleasure from washing . It's all a small price to pay for being so in-touch with God
the Father who is now on a planet near the star Kolob with his wives ...without any touching though, obviously.”

When a National Buffoon White House correspondent asked Romney where the myth about Mormon underwear's magical capabilities comes from, Romney shoved both hands into his pants, pulling his underwear off without so much as lifting a leg. “That's where. We Mormons can do that. It's something you learn at Brigham Young. Whenever people see that, they think it's magic, but really, it's just being limber from all the years of sexual repression we have to endure .”

A few moments later, Romney moved the underwear slightly, and a rabbit fell out of them, followed briefly by a dove flying out of them into the air. “I don't know how that happened! Our underwear isn't magic, I swear! Well, I don't swear to God, that would be a sin. ..but yeah, I promise these underpants aren't magical!”


In a related story, GOP Presidential candidate and former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman also made underwear-related headlines today when, according to numerous eyewitnesses, Huntsman used his Mormon underwear to save a child that had fallen into a well in Eastern Iowa. Witness accounts cite that Huntsman, after removing his underwear in a fashion similar to that of Romney, pulled a long series of handkerchiefs from the supposedly non-magical underwear, using them as a rope to rescue the young child. The boy was reportedly thankful that Huntsman had rescued him, but was also “creeped out” that Huntsman opted to use his underwear for the rescue, rather than the large pile of rope that had been sitting next to the old well.

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