The Bill Of Rats Replaces The Bill Of Rights

By National Buffoon Anton Scalia

"I like bubbles an' drool"

The New Bill of Rights

Much has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. The Scalia (TM) Supreme Court has replaced that original outdated document,and no wonder. Since we`ve gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation`s desire to band together was replaced by a general revulsion of people. The birthright of justice and intellectual honesty has been exchanged for a penchant for inequity & unsubstantiated idiocy, the American Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer boom box, the noble exegist for the Exxonmobil.
We are no longer the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should no longer reflect the empowering broad-minded thinking of those Deist revolutionary backwards trouble making upstarts... but rather, the interests of multinational cartels, foreign governments, and descendants of the robber barons. As we begin our assault on the 21st Century, my superficial mephistophelian colleagues on the bench and I have decided it`s time to end the interference of outdated concepts suggested in that damned piece of paper we swore to uphold (Ha ha!... right!) such as human rights, human dignity, and valuing human resources in general. The more modern concepts of human cannibalism, human bondage & human waste will be well represented in the new improved Bill Of Rats.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "anti-commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive speech;" by any sizable corporate lobbyist. Nor shall congress impinge upon the right of the people to peaceably assemble crappy imported furniture, where and when permitted; nor shall abridge the rights of Senators to proposition the juvenile pages of their personal choice. Government shall refer all cases of redress of grievances to Verizon's automated customer service in Calcutta. It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared protected by one or more divisions of Goldman Sachs, in which case the number of persons shall be one or more except on Fridays, after 3 P.M. every 3rd month excluding leap years.
AMENDMENT II

A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the President of Walmart. The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall be permited as long as they agree to being hypnotized for occasional assasinations of citizens viewed as subversive threats by Bank Of America executives.

AMENDMENT III

Common citizens shall, in time of peace, be drawn and quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or believed may be used, for some purpose by AIG or one of it's numerous dummy corporations.




AMENDMENT IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may be suspended to protect corporate welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to Walmart.

"I'm holding in a fart, it will travel up my spine to my brain so I can have some shitty ideas"


AMENDMENT V

Any person may be held indefinitely for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts, American Express, MacDonald's corporation, China National Petroleum, J.P. Morgan Chase & Company, Comcast, AT&T or by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; may be compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties.

Justice Clarance Thomas


AMENDMENT VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused, according to the size of his bank account or credit line, shall enjoy the right to avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury. And any persons guilty of poverty will be incarcerated without possible parole indefinitely unless needed for military service by Exxonmobil.

" Corporations are people, but women are not."


AMENDMENT VII

In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may interest the public, the right of trial in the media shall not be abridged.

"Resistance is futile"

AMENDMENT VIII

Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that private prisons remain in operation and are profitable. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available unless they are a threat to an aristocrat, a CEO, or one of their designated agents masquerading as a Senator.



AMENDMENT IX

The enumeration in The Constitution of rights shall be construed to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall themselves become enacted by Amendment or whim of a Supreme Court Justice.

AMENDMENT X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be deemed to be powers residing in corporations holding appointment therein through the secret defense private contractors, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments as determined by the corporate interest. The public interest shall be determined by it's designated representatives, lobbyists on K street.

National Buffoon Horoscopes- Your Future Is Bleak

By National Buffoon Cosmic Correspondent Claire Voyant





Aries: Most Aries are successful murderous psychopaths. Today a bout of uncontrollable flatulence will not endear you to anyone. The Universe laughs at you behind your back. Being a simpleton, you call ‘em like you see ‘em, but as you’re prone to hallucinations, this could definitely become an issue. Jail sentences between 5 and 10 years may be applicable to your situation today. ...



Taurus: In biscuits one can find redemption. Especially when soaked in Rum. Often malodorous, Taureans are renowned for their poor sense of humor and their ability to attract vermin. Of particular use in a Taureans faculties, is his/her ability to pick their nose ambidextrously.


Gemini: You will suffer great pain after messing with powerful forces you know nothing about. Namely Gravity. Many of your social hang-ups would disappear if you started wearing clothes.
Not all Geminis are annoying, some are dead.

Cancer: The meaning of life is ∑∫♣ØŒ∞ Åξ≡Ξ§¶¥ψδ. Yes! It’s that simple.
Today you will undoubtedly join or not join a Gospel Quartet with any number of people in it except four.



Leo: Don’t worry, the excruciating pain you’re in won’t last forever. It will however, last for the rest of your pitiful life. We'd like to help you out...seriously, which way did you come in? Leos are excellent liars and often have herpes. Give up all hope. Stay in bed.



Virgo: Your ship will come in but it's called the Titanic. You'll enjoy the hospitality of it's Captain, Joe Hazelton. Invest in swimming lessons. Many Virgos excel at absolutely nothing. No Virgo has ever contributed anything to civilization. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.


Libra: You will soon find that your life’s story is interchangeable with any reality television show. In other words trashy and completely useless. An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.



Scorpio: Today the world is your oyster, but your allergic to shellfish and will become deathly ill. At least pets and babies find you somewhat amusing. Well, not really, but they can't speak up. Most syphilitic lepers with giant tumors protruding out of their eye sockets are Scorpios.


Sagittarius: Most people will think that you are annoying but you already knew that. As a matter of fact you are starting to annoy me now! You are just down right goofy. Don't deny it you goofy bastard! You will meet a great love interest but they won't be your type...not inflatable.


Capricorn: This month will see Pluto move behind Uranus. Exactly what Pluto will do behind Uranus is anyone's guess, but the video should ship for about $19.99. You will be beaten senseless by some crackhead punk. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.


Aquarius: Remember: Humans are just as scared of you, as you are of them. You will develop a relationship with a She-beast seeking new people to stalk and drain the humanity out of. You will be even more anal-retentive in the future.

Pisces: You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. In other words, you're a dumbfuck without even the common sense of a carrot. Give up all hope.

Worst Holiday Song And Video

This may be the worst Holiday music and video ever produced, it is a cover of a Neil Diamond song (allegedly). Have a death metal holiday! And don't forget to vomit in someone's stocking!




When you think of Christmas, you think of Exhumed. I wish they would have grinded out a whole Christmas album before they broke up. As far as I know it's the only death metal Christmas song. If I were making an awesome death metal compilation cd it would have Impaled singing Silent Night and Brujeria singing Feliz Navid...
This is from the Exhumed album entitled "Platters Of Splatter".

Major Mystical Merger - Methodists Merry, Muslims Miffed

By National Buffoon Religion Editor Father Elijah Fields

Two of the big three religions from the 'ol futile crescent vicinity have decided to merge holidays. Yes that's right, taking a cue from the world of finance with all it's mergers and aquisitions, a religion industry insider source has revealed there is proposal that is very likely to be announced shortly through official channels that Chanukah & Christmas will be merged into a single holiday. An unidentified source announced at a press conference moments ago that this deal has been in the works for about 1300 years.

"Oy To The World"

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of "HOLIDAY", as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being amongst the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will now be the more generic "Miraculous shit happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Muslims who feel the merger leaves Ramadan vulnerable to a hostile takeover.

The press conference ended with a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.

White House, Black Friday

U.S.President Barack Obama and the first family will celebrate the Black Friday holiday today in The White House watching movies with the Wayans Brothers in them and having a quiet dinner. "You know folks, you don't have to be black to enjoy Black Friday," the President said. "Much like one doesn't have to be white to enjoy a white Christmas."
Republicans immediately denounced the Holiday and will hold witch hunts, er uh...investigations looking into the possibility that the president may be a werewolf. "That's right" said leading idiot Rand Paul, "He's some kinda' secret werewolf we believe, as he has never appeared in public with wolf-bane dangling around his neck or in the company of Lon Chaney who I think was vice president once.

Republican artist depiction of Barrack Obama

Rand then stripped and piled his clothes by the roadside...He peed in a circle round his clothes and then, just like that, he started howling and then ran off into the woods.

Rand Paul

Many black activists however claim that the holiday is an insult to black Americans as it is marked not by any sort of traditional celebration or activity, but rather by discounts and sales at stores. Rev. Al Sharpton is asking everyone to boycott Black Friday and " Sleep in instead of stampeding at Walmart to get flammable pajamas at half price".

Annual Walmart Rube Stampede

"Does the white man think that the black man cannot afford regular prices?" opined Jesse Jackson at a recent rally outside an Atlanta Walmart. "Have you seen what people are willing to pay for a pair of sneakers? We can afford your regular prices!" He told National Buffoon on his way to Best Buy.

However, critics point to the yearly ritual of marking Presidents' Day with automobile sales as proof that whites don't discriminate when it comes to turning holidays into giant displays of gross commercialism.

Obama is not the first Black Friday celebrating President however as "Dubya" Bush ditched his favorite red crayon and instead drew pictures with a black crayon during his term - two of these crayon drawings still hang on the refrigerator in the White House kitchen.

One of Bush's coveted renderings from his "blue" pretzel period.

And Abe Lincoln of course sold his famous "Lincoln Logs" at a discount on the date.

The First Thanksgiving

Yes the war on Thanksgiving has begun just a bit earlier this year. Of course the plan is to simply combine Halloween, Thanksgiving, Pearl Harbor Day, and Christmas into one conspicious consumption secular human frenzy that begins the second week of September and lasts until February (or Thanksmasdayoween for short). By combining the current ways of celebrating the three holidays into one we save time and money. Just think of it as Halloween getting a little jollier, and Christmas spookier, and everyone saying thank you for both. Of course if you want to be traditional, do what was done at the first thanksgiving (well it wasn't the first...not even in the New World but who really cares?) Wear some big buckles, don't bathe for months, fire off some muskets, eat some gourds, berries, stew some opossum, and watch football. However, the advantages of the combination holiday are obvious. "Librul" attitudes of entitlement are a big problem in America, and we believe it starts in childhood. One of the side benefits of Thankmasdayoween would be toughening children up a bit by scaring them a little before they receive their presents. Since the economy sucks, don't actually buy presents; but wrap some items already in the house such as a roll of toilet paper up in some old newspapers using stuff you find in the trash for a bow.

Here's all you need to know to participate. If your invited to a Thanksmasdayoween dinner anywhere be sure to ask for something other than Turkey, be creative! Some Tofu shaped like a drumstick will surely put a frown on everyone's face and that's after all what holidays are about.

This is the baby NFL's birthday too so don't forget to sing happy birthday! It's considered good form to switch the channel to some lame ass parade whenever something is going on in whatever game is being watched...turn back in time for commercials.

The proper attire for dinner is always a thong, preferably this one.

Some new traditions we reccomend include making a gingerbread house with pilgrims trick-or treating at the door while Geronimo gives them treats. It adds a certain exciting element of danger if naughty children are dragged inside to be cooked with the turkey by some old school Halloween stereoptype witch. After dinner the whole family should go out caroling and vandalize the neighbors houses if they don't give you candy. What sort of carols, you ask? Standard Christmas carols can be reworded fairly easily. We're working on "Hark the Herald Hobgoblins Sing!' and O Little Rock of Plymouth.' Bloody Old St. Nick is a favorite, as well as We 3 Stooges.
Don't forget to float fake eyeballs in your eggnog, and put skulls in your kid's dirty socks when they hang them on the mantle.Erect an outdoor nativity and stick some action figures in it.

You should try to start some lame discussion about what your thankful for and make it really longwinded including every damned cliche you can think of...(the birdies that sing, the Gibb brothers who don't, the guy who was first to drink cow's milk, etc.)

No one cares that the pilgrims actually ate venison, because they also wore ridiculous looking hats, and you don’t see us doing that, do you?

You can't win the War on Christmas if you don't win the Battle of Thanksgiving.

The holiday wars are in full swing friends. I was simply going about my day to day activities until I saw (thankfully) this bit of wingnut scribbles over on the site for unhinged mental defectives known as "newsbusters"... it's penned by one of the site's leading imbeciles, and clearly demonstrates the extent to which some drool eschewing lunatics will go to "expose" the secular human's war on Supply Side Jesus and his sacred holidays. (Here's a link to the article.)
Newsbusters' Carolyn Plocher is very upset that network morning shows have offered tips on how to avoid excessive Thanksgiving calorie consumption! This is obviously a communist/atheist/"librul" plot to undermine the baby Jesus, America, and decency in general.
In the past week, from Nov. 18-24, five network stories have bashed traditional Thanksgiving food because it's not "healthy." With the nation in a recession and the unemployment rate soaring, the "librul" media want Americans to worry about their health too. Each of the networks offered tips on how to avoid the "most gut-busting holiday of the year," as Harry Smith of CBS's "Early Show" put it. SCANDALOUS!

After looking at the videos of the various town halls, tea bagger and Fox Noose sponsored hate events, I'd say whatever efforts the media are making to keep folks from eating too much aren't picking up much traction. After all girth is next to godliness.