God Awful Xmas Card Photos

Now that we've consumed enough egg nog and cheer let's have a look at those embarrassing photos that people have sent as holiday greetings. Here they are, in all their er, uh, ...glory.
The worst Xmas Photo Cards ever.
EVER!

The Good, The Bad, & The Medicated

Uncle Ferd sure is proud of his new toilet seat.
Of course he received it because Santa knew
he was full of it.

I don't know about panhandling on a greeting card...
or is this the new singing sensation "The Four Clods"?

Now this is "cheery" isn't it?
Happy Holidays and pass the pills.

Careful about where you hang that mistletoe...
If you have opossums running loose in your house,
why not put that on a greeting card?
Maybe someone will give you a new door without holes as a gift...
maybe....

Ghostbuster Xmas?
"I ain't afraid of no Holy Ghost"!


Ok, you'd be pissed too.
That's worse than the pink bunny suit from "A Christmas Story".
Let's put the "diss" in dysfunctional !
Preserve the indignity for posterity.
Why not?

Young Randy here is proud of the Xmas Shrub his dad chopped down
from in front of his neighbor's house.

WTF?
The baby is obviously the only sensible person here in this photo.
Dad needs an emergency chiropractor...
or is some type of amateur carnival contortionist.

Greetings from the Clown Family!
Geesh...that really is a pink bunny suit...

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Crappy Holidaze

The season is upon us, Won't matter if you fight it.
No bloody Xmas poems this year, no inspiration to write it.

I rack my brain for pleasantries to type upon some paper
But all that can be mustered is faded memes and vapors.



Seems there was a time when this was all a blast.
But now it's all behind us and we're "Living in the Past."

We used to go to weddings, football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes, and after funeral brunches.



We used to have some parties, hangovers filled with pain.
Now we have body aches ,depression, and Rogaine.

We used to travel to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses from riding in the car.

This is true and it is so, the tale it has been told
you ain't getting better, your just getting old.


We used to send out greetings that were warm and true.
At least there is some comfort, It's something we still do.

Wishing you and yours a happy holiday!
Health, Wealth and Happiness let nothing you dismay,
Hope neither of us bites the bullet
Before this Xmas day!

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Santa's Steaks And Chops

Well it all started when old Father Christmas was surfing the web. He uses web cams to to peep in on the boys and girls these days to see who is naughty or nice. When what to his wandering eyes should appear? Why The National Buffoon of course, Santa was horrified at first but could not stop reading it..next thing you know he became addicted to reading the site.

Santa decided he would expand his meat business.
Why settle for merely peddling tainted meat from the back of his van?
Not when he could warm it up and sell it in a restaurant at quadruple the quadruped price!

Where does Santa put his gravy?
Why on Dasher, on dancer, on Donner, and Blitzen of course!


So he opened "Santa's Chops & Steaks"
Serving the finest game and roadkill in the great white north!

Today's special is Prancer Tartar!

"So come on up to Santa's Chops & Steaks, home of the 2.99 fried reindeer!
And Don't forget to try my New England Style Cat Chowder!
It's thick and chunky! "

So bring the whole family!
We have Poker in the back,
and liquor in the front.

Mrs. Clause has a package for all you naughty boys in the back.
Don't forget to tip!

Of course Santa still keeps his day job.
And a great deal of tradition and preparation is involved.

After enjoying his holiday ham, Kringle has to buckle down to the business of
disciplining all the naughty girls.

There is no shortage of naughty girls so Santa stays very busy.
Here he is at his workshop.

Of course Santa chopped up all the elves and served them in his restaurant.
Replacing them with child labor in Vietnamese sweatshops.

In the magic hours before he delivers his goods on Christmas eve,
He exposes himself to holiday shoppers all over the planet!

Then he fondles your mother.

Finally, in the wee hours before you wake up on Xmas morn,
he scours the nearby dumpsters and leaves what he finds under your tree!

Then when it's all over, he goes home, rolls a fatty,
and rides his bike...it's a Holly Davidson.

The staff of the National Buffoon
wish you and yours a very happy holiday!
But watch out for our editor...he's hiding in your tree!

Ho Ho Ho!

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Buffoon News

Dateline-In a van down by the river, Wasilla, Alaska- Buffoon extraordinaire Sarah Failin; un- governor and perennial involuntary release of idiocy , escaped from her asylum in Alaska earlier today. She took herself hostage and is threatening to keep littering television screens across the nation with further appearances until everyone hands over their wallets to the nice Exxonaco Execs who need bigger gold toilets in their guest washrooms. Because they were kind enough to buy up all the copies of her new coloring book entitled "Going Batshit" making it seem like a best seller. The astroturf organization, owned by self aggrandizing, obscenely wealthy heir to the looted "Mellon" fortune- Dick Mellon Scarfehair, known as Noosemax will be giving them all away for free. So in this age when every penny counts...stock up for use as toilet paper! According to unnamed sources of flatulence close to the edge, she plans on having a swimsuit competition for the office of president in 2012 and has chosen to toot the trouser trumpet for her talent portion. Her running mate, Barney the purple dinosaur was detained, entertaining at a 3 year old's birthday party at an undisclosed location, and was unavailable for comment.

HIKING AWARD

South Carolina Governor Skidmark Sanford received the Sierra Club's Distinguished Hiker Award this week for his "work" on the Appalachian Trail. Heart shaped hot tubs are being installed at various shelters and work has begun on the "Pan American Trail" which goes from the Governor's Mansion to Argentina. "I ain't no hypocrite" said Sanford, when queried about his vocal criticism of President Clinton's personal indiscretions. "It's not like I was gettin' some while in public office like Willy!". An aide whispered "the Governor's position was indeed a public office and there was an attempt to charge the taxpayers for travel and expenses for the dalliance." The aide was slapped in the face and handed over to Dick Cheney for interrogation.






COUNTRY MUSIC TOP HONORS

The Country Music Album Of The Year award went to John Boehner for his album "White Noise"which was a hit in Gump, Indiana for a couple days when someone accidentally drove through town and the local station playing it non stop was the only station that would come in clearly. Songs on the album include: "No Place Like Hame", "I Wrote You A Paem", "Ice Cream Canes", "Ade to the Astro Dame", "King of the Raid" and other erstwhile meanderings that substitute the A sound for the O sound. A special feature included with the CD is a tube of some of that crappy fake suntan dye that turns your skin yellowish orange.










Teabagers, Birthers, and Deathers, Oh My!

"Teabagers" are now angry at the rest of the world because we let them call themselves teabagers....
" Those damned socialist, fascist, Taoist, academist, cartoonist, dentist,
protagonist, harpsichordist, ventriloquist, taxidermists!" Said Joe the not a plumber. Speaking to a gathering of over a dozen pigeons.


Statue Unveiled At Bush Presidential Library Well sort of... the as yet uncompleted library hopes to open someday, with it's featured "Weapons of Mass Destruction Room", which no one has yet been able to locate, "The National Debt Room", which is remarkably huge and has no ceiling, " The Tax Cut Room", with entry only to the wealthiest," The Economy Room", which is located in the toilet and the "Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they will make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth time.) Apparently no self respecting artist will have anything to do with creating a statue for the library entrance. So Dubya himself is masquerading as a statue in the meantime, since he apparently has nothing better to do.








Fox Unveils New Fall Shows

In an effort to continue the tradition of simply recycling old ideas Fox will air a rehash of Love American Style re-entitled Love Republican Style. The first episode will be filmed in an airport men's room stall and future episodes will go downhill from there.











Judge Judy meets Balmy Bachman




(click on graphic to enlarge)



















Bachman was sentenced to 2 years of actual public service, which she will serve by being a gargoyle.











Glossolalia



Pro idiocy advocates have rated "the Glenn Beck show" #1 in their coveted "arson ratings" which monitors which channels prison guards dial up to annoy the inmates. The great American patriot Thomas Paine returned from the dead to kick Beck's
sorry ass for trying to associate his drooling incomprehensible ranting with the good name of actual patriots.
Beck retorted with "quack! foobeemoopero, glub!!" and proceeded to soil his diaper.


National Buffoon Is Sponsored By:

Because War Crimes just shouldn't go
unpunished!






Standards Lowered!

Fox Spews managed to lower the quality of life once again of every man woman and child on the planet by broadcasting it's reigning slime time nincompoop's butt surgery. That's right.
They needed to come from behind in the ratings. Another milestone (or was that a kidney stone?) in the annals of public broadcasting for the Fox organization. In the end, it seems Glenn Beck is public enema #2.

Curiously, most Fox viewers didn't notice any difference between the close ups of diseased anuses and the normal daily broadcasts.




Happy Halloween all!

Watch out for flying evil monkeys!

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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The Perimeter Of Anti-Luminescence (Or Something Similar)

America is waiting to be infromed!

Here Come The Warm Jets! Or Something Like them.

A salute to all of those fine groups of individuals...

All those who never fail to decrease the sum knowledge of mankind each time they open their mouths.

The contingent who have stopped to think and never started again.




Those who stand for whatever baloney witless stooges will fall for.

One of the basic tenants upon which mankind pitches it's tent seems to be questionable.
For if indeed, ignorance is bliss why then are these people not smiling?

Creating Frankenstein Monsters and Such

::::::::

Sci-fi movie fans know the script. The mad scientist creates a monster but they can't control the monster and inevitably the monster destroys them.

Leaders of the GOP are now confronting the monster they helped create. Teabaggers, deathers, birthers, or whatever they call themselves this week are a creation of Fox News and GOP think tanks who desire to stir up dissent against the Obama administration.

It was a risky bet, and one that Sci Fi movie fans would have known was a loser. Creating a clown act media circus that presented President Obama and his moderate agenda was somehow extremist and unpopular. But they miscalculated the general public's distaste for these angry fringe group's behaviors and more importantly they underestimated the fear and anger of those they stoked and couldn't imagine that angry monster they charged up with Van Der Graf Generators and theater lightning turning against them. Yet now it has.

By hyping mistrust of "the government" they seem to have forgotten that they as Republicans also are that government and bear responsibility for it's accused excesses and abuses as much as anyone else.

This week we saw staunch conservative Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) heckled, booed and called a traitor and a bum at a town hall in his home state of South Carolina. In his career Sen Graham has enjoyed the highest ratings among conservative activist groups and some of the lowest among groups like the ACLU. A military JAG officer and a close ally of the party's last presidential nominee now finds himself attacked as an enemy of the conservative movement.

It is irrational. But monsters have never been and may never be known to behave in a rational manner. Which is why rational people and responsible parties tend to avoid creating monsters in the first place.