Tuesday, May 24, 2011
By National Buffoon Physics Correspondent
In light of the dreadful circumstances & near equally dreadful media coverage of the disaster in Japan, it has become neccisary to update our definitions in the post Fukushima era we find ourselves in today. Here we have the revised words and meanings for physicists today.
Half Life - How much of your lifespan has now been lost by listening to the misinformation in the media's reporting on Fukushima.
Table of elements - The place where the seafood from Japan is being served.
Reactor Number Two - What happens in the stall after you eat McDonald's Happy Meal Combo #1 in Japan.
Under control - Hopelessly out of control and probably likely to explode at any minute. As in, "Reactor No. 2 is completely under control now."
Neutron - The new sci-fi movie starring Jeff Bridges, as opposed to the "Old Tron."
Cesium - Part of the answer given by nuclear safety workers when asked, "Where is the Fukushima safety manager?" The reply? "I thinks I cesium somewhere around here..."
Safe - The new government euphemism for "more than enough to give you cancer." As in, "The radioactive fallout from Fukushima is now SAFE."
Nukular - How George W. Bush pronounces "nuclear." To master the "nukular" pronunciation, simply start with the word "nuclear" and then subtract one hundred IQ points.
Fission - The result of the collision between one loose cannon idea and a spherical critical mass of bureaucratic corruption in the power industry. The resulting explosion gives off two additional loose cannon ideas that go on to cause a chain reaction throughout the entire government leading to a total meltdown of integrity.
Preparedness plan - What the U.S. government now officially describes as "sitting on the couch watching TV while consuming McDonald's Happy Meal Combo #1."
Saturday, May 21, 2011
By National Buffoon Religion Correspondent- Elmer Gantry
One of the USA's leading douche bags, Harold Camping and his fans were disappointed when they were revealed to be complete buffoons on May 21st. Oh well, I'm sure they will find some other lunatic predicting the end of the world to follow...or will they simply continue letting Camping pick yet another day? One thing is for certain...as Frank Zappa suggested, hydrogen is NOT the most abundant element in the universe....stupidity is.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
"In the beginning Gouda created the heavens & the earth" and he said "this is grate".
According to the ancient scribblers who wrote the Bible while wandering around herding goats in the desert for some reason, Goulda created the universe of cheese in 6 days. This primarily why the creator is known today as the "Cheese Wiz".
Everyone knows that folks 2 or 3 thousand years ago knew much more than people today about the universe and other large things. And everyone also knows a handful of fundementalists in Texas should decide what children learn in public schools.
Here are some exerpts from the real experts:
In 1969, while exploring the moon astronauts found a strange vehicle on the surface.
Yaba Daba Deutronomy
According to ancient videos unearthed by top biblical scholars at Bob Jones University and sausage manufacturing plant, the prophet Fred Flintsone visited the moon long ago. Undeniable as the evidence is, many inferior science books do not cover this event at all.
Today we know this is true because it says so in the video.
Man was not meant to live by Provolone According to the unearthed video evidence Goulda had a son named Cheesus who appeared to Fred and revealed his will to him. Afterwards he dictated the story of the garden of Edam. "Brie fruitful and don't camembert false witness" he said. Fred retorted "telemea more". Cheesus then revealed in his own Krafty whey the Emmental truths of the universe. Today we know these teachings as Fondue-mentalism. "Comte unto the lard" as it says in the goulda book.