Friday, November 20, 2015

Town Adapts Preemptive Strategy In Christmas Warfare

New preemptive strategy in the War On Chrismas.
Breaking News - Nov. 20, Gump, Pa.
Rube Gawby
By Rube Gawby - National Buffoon Field Reporter

Last year, the good people of Gump, Pennsylvania were justifiably outraged when the ACLU threatened them with legal action after they had denied the Church of Satan's request to place a display on their Municipal Building next to their Christmas nativity display.  Reluctantly the Satanic display was permitted. (See photo below) Knowing full well the Satanists would expect to erect another display this year, a Christian Action group, The Gump Adventist Society (G.A.S.) decided they would not simply sit idle on the sidelines this year while their religious holiday was attacked. I spoke to the leader of  G.A.S., Mr. Wally Duffer who said of their new strategy "Well, we heard this Church of Satan group doesn't actually even think Satan is real, they were just doing this to mock our sacred traditions! That got me and my huntin' pal Yerks Yonner pretty damned upset. I mean it's bad enough to choose to worship Satan, but no one at all?  That's just UN-American!"
He continued "So me and Yerks enlisted some guys and gals from the Pentecostal Bowling League to come up with a way to defeat these commie atheists".

      "We figured the best way to fight fire was with fire. If they were going to mock our Nativity, we would erect a mockery of theirs. Yes, that's it! A mockery of a mockery! Brilliant. So we had a few beers at Joe's and went down to City Hall and built this 'ACLU Solstice Barn' to mock those mockers!"  "That'll teach 'em" added Ferd Skiffle with a particularly satisfied expression on his face. He is the groups director of recreation.

With Christmas just around the corner, there was no time to lose in getting the "Solstice Barn" erected. Work was completed in a few short days .
The Temple of Satan had no comment.

The folks in Gump were less than pleased with the holiday greeting erected at their City Hall last year.
The display depicted an angel descending into flames.

Thursday, October 29, 2015

CNBC Republican Debate Summary

Colorado - Republicans held yet another debate to annoy and anger the citizens last night.
To sum it up, they all agreed being nasty and ego-maniacal was generally the approach to all questions. Of course essentially they all agree that big tax cuts for themselves and their wealthiest donors are the most important issues, merely bickering about how best to dupe the patsies, er...I mean voters into believing this despite 50 years of evidence that funneling capital to the wealthy has no positive effect whatsoever on the fact the evidence is contrary. But this is a Republican debate so evidence and logic are certainly not the coin of the realm.

   The candidates argued over how best to destroy social security and medicare (the only government programs most people actually like). Who to blame it on. And which half-baked tax scheme would achieve giving themselves tax breaks best. Despite his bombastic remarks, Donald Trump frankly is the most honest among them, he doesn't try to hide his lunacy and he's straight forward about simply cutting out the middleman. I mean should a 1%er like himself have to even bother buying off politicians?  Why not just take the top dog job and rob the treasury yourself without all these sycophants and clerks getting their cut?

It was nice to note someone pointed out that Carly Fiorina was fired because she sucked at running  HP, and that was not "business experience" that looked good on any resume. Huckster acted angry about something or other as did the rest of the assclowns...except Ben Carson who merely dozed through the whole event, mumbling something about bringing back slavery and prohibition in his sleep. If you had the good sense to skip this complete waste of time and watch the world series instead you win! Kudos!

Sunday, October 11, 2015

iPhone App Flap Over Minor Glitch Resolved

CUPERTINO, Calif.  - Apple Chief Executive Orifice Tim Cook refused to apologize today for being a pompous cunt. During a brief press conference he was asked by National Buffoon reporter Peter Fitzinwell if he realized that a Mac was in fact a PC. Cook said "of course, but the pretentious Crapple fanboys are essentially retarded narcissists and buy any piece of shit we stage an overblown introduction for".  "Hell, we haven't really improved our shitty operating system since 1986. We change the shape and size of the containers, we change the names. But improvements? Don't make me laugh, there's too many suckers out there. We make far too much money off our shoddily manufactured crap and pay so little for labor...while pretending to be socially responsible...I mean we did after all install suicide nets at no small expense on our iphone factory. We have no incentive to change our business model!"
He further elaborated "Crapple makes things that are sort of like computers, but designed for gullible hipster douchebags who want to be pompous shitheads just like us!"

"But this is not why I called this Press conference" he said, and came to the point.
"You remember our iMap software had er...glitches. Well one of the glitches was that instead of displaying accurate information, it  completely misrouted directions and urged iPhone users to "Kill ... Kill ... Kill" in an eerie, high-pitched voice. 
   We were legally compelled to pretend to be sorry for the frustration that caused our customers. 
We did everything we could to make iMaps better, and  this is the solution we came up with...we changed the name!"

  Cook said in a letter to customers posted today on the company's website that the new name for the defective app would be the iKillKillKill...and when people clicked on the link to read it,  it sent out a signal that told people to kill.

Cook excitedly introduces Crapple's new iKillKillKill app.
    Crapple has been critical of the Google Maps program which they claim had only resulted in the rare fatality, usually when an irate user bludgeoned a Google worker attempting to plant a camera for the Shower Stall View feature. They are also competing with Google to see just how much money they can hide away in foreign shelters in an effort to avoid paying U.S. Taxes.
Cook commented "G.E. is by far the leader, but they are an old money company and tax ripoffs are expected from them. We lead Google in the Tech sector...why Crapple siphons over a billion dollars a week into foreign accounts so the US doesn't get a dime in revenues from it! Ha Ha Ha!"

  The exciting new iKillKillKill software developed by Crapple adds features such as turn-by-turn bludgeoning, axe navigation, and auto firearm detection; which always provides instruction for loading ammo. it still offers unreliable landmark searches as an additional feature of course. But along with routes that get users lost and directing them to the wrong country it emits an almost hypnotic subliminal message to murder!

"Dude, it was like hairy" said iPhone user Willy Pimples, 19, of Palmyra, N.J. "I was looking up directions to the Pennsauken Skateshop, and next thing I know, I'm trying to hatchet my mother." Fortunately, Willy's mom was able to snap her son out of this trance by smashing his face in with his  can of Red Bull.

Others haven't been so lucky, according to FBI Special Agent  Dick Bender, who says his agency has tracked more than 2000 murders - primarily strangling, stabbing, bludgeoning and people who had iPhones crammed into their anus.

"That's great" says Cook. "It may have been a problem for something called an iMap...but as an iKillKillKill app, users will be delighted. And obviously this will be a huge seller in the United States where mass murder is now the national pass-time. But I think it will help spread senseless violence to the rest of the world too. We at Crapple are always trying to appear to be innovating!

    Surely enough... sales of the new iPhone which come with the iKillKillKill ap native, are selling like hotcakes.  More than 3 million units were sold in just the last week. And only eight have been returned.  "Six of those were returned because the buyer had gotten overly excited and bought two by mistake." said Cook.

National Buffoon interviewed Willy Pimples and asked if the fact that it could cause him to kill his mother or other close family members might make him want to exchange his iPhone for some other type of smart phone, Willy  responded by saying, "Actually, I've been thinking about getting a Blackberry." Then he burst out laughing so hard that he had to lie down and roll on the floor.
 "Dude! Are you crazy? Give up my iPhone?" I'm OK with the whole murdering thing."

Another Crapple enthusiast, Hugh G. Dildeaux, 20, of Kuntztown, Pa. added "at least it hasn't caught on fire yet,"  Hugh is recovering from temporary blindness caused when his iPad shot flames into his face. Dildeaux said that problem should be worked out shortly, or at least in time for the release of the next Crapple iPhone...and hell, in the meantime, anyone  scorched by their iPhone will receive a $15 gift card to the iTunes store! "Sweet!" responded Pimples, who immediately started searching for directions to a Gun and Ammo shop.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Mexicans Build Wall To Keep Donald Trump Out

NBC executives say
that if Donald Trump does run for president,
they will not renew 'The Apprentice.'
So some good may come out of this.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Republican Debates Are Over, Who Will Clean This Mess Up?

The Debates are over. Who won? No one really.
Who lost? The American people.
In a straw poll taken after the debate, a new fear has stricken Americans.
Yes, they are deeply concerned that the rest of the world might have seen it.
And fear the United States’ prestige around the world has been flushed down the toilet.
Airlines expressed concern international broadcasts of the debate would greatly diminish their business. As people from the US will never desire to ever travel abroad or talk to foreigners again.
In another measure of Americans’ discomfort with Fox's televised event, those surveyed strongly agreed that the U.S. government should block the foreign transmission of any future debates, and that Fox News should air a disclaimer and explanation of the contest beforehand, but no one had any idea what that explanation could possibly be.
Domestically there was an upside...the pharmaceutical companies report a marked increase in sales of both anti-depressants and anti-nausea medications!
It is felicitous that Trump is in the race, after all it's become simply another "reality TV show".
With all the class and intelligence of the typical genre. With a wealth of candidates and 16 more of these shameful displays of ignorance and embarrassing amentia on tap the show's producers hope it will be as big a hit as their other lousy embarrassing reality shows, "The Jersey Shore" & "Ew, Who farted?" 

In case you missed it here's a synopsis.

The candidates all agreed Jesus wrote the constitution, and all were in favor of more war and military spending. They all also agreed that all government spending that didn't directly benefit the billionaires and multinational corporate oligarchs was bad. Arguments broke out about who was loonier, who God said he was voting for, and which Clinton they despised more...but other than Trump's bombastic remarks, it was all predictable and silly. The same old crap about the billionaires being over taxed and military spending needing to be increased. The same old crap about programs that benefit people other than the billionaires are evil. Research, public education, evil! Walmart good. Coal and Koch industries good. "Look fire come from tiny box!" OOO   OOO!
Rubio pointed out afterwards that his wife was a Miami Dolphins cheerleader, which is nice because she would know how to appear to be enthusiastic about someone who stands no chance of winning.

Scott Walker announced his plan to destroy Planned Parenthood by forcing horny teenagers to stare at photo of his face. Why is all his hair on only one side of his head?  Why do all these guys have weird hair of one kind or another? Maybe they are all Martians in poorly outfitted rubber human suits? Hey it's more plausible than anything said during the televised harebrained foolishness passing for a debate.
Mike Huckabee said that every animal on earth lived within walking distance of Noah's house.
Donald Trump proposed a gold plated helicopter replace Air Force One.
Bush discussed strategies to limit minority voting. Inexplicably Ben Carson contributed some ideas.
Then Jeb added "As Governor of Florida, I got my brother elected & thus... killed a bunch of innocent Iraqis and created ISIS. You're welcome"
The candidates argued about which scientific facts pissed them off the most while Chris Wallace ignited one of Bret Baier's farts with a lighter. Scott Walker told Megyn Kelly he liked rape and incest. Rand Paul admitted he wanted to be the president so more people would kiss his ass every day. They all agreed they liked fetuses, and want them all armed with machine guns, but they don't like vaginas except for Trump. They agreed vaginas were tolerable as long as they had muzzles.
Megyn Kelly said "Hey now, let's cut out all the crazy talk we've all encouraged and glorified since going on the air back when Bill Clinton was the president!"
Kasich claimed he should be president because his father was a mailman.
Ted Cruz claimed he had the best plan to screw over the middle class, and lamented about not being the one who killed that lion. The debate was made more colorful by the addition of not just Ben Carson, but "audience" questions via facebook Fox News fans.
These were the hard hitting questions of the evening.
"What's your favorite Ricky Martin song?"
"Do you watch game of thrones?"
"What do you think of Hillary's Hair?"
"Hey was the moon landing real?"
"Who should I hate once Obama is gone?"
"Do you think you should pay taxes?"
"What do you think of this crazy spherical earth talk?"
"How exactly do you get your head that far up your ass? Yoga?"

After the show, no one at Fox was available for comment, they were all too busy celebrating Jon Stewart leaving the Daily Show by popping champagne bottles on Bill O Riley's Penis.


Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Christie Pissed Off Because Of Exclusion From Debates

Chris Christie gathered supporters at his old high school in Livingston, New Jersey after being snubbed by Rupert Murdoch. Angry not to have been included in the Fox Republican Debates, Christie announces his plans to give America a giant wedgie. Yes that's right, "and that pussy Ted Cruz will eat my shorts too" he said in a press release.
Known for his blunt abrasive style, the loose cannon Republican anti-union candidate unveiled his  new campaign slogan by etching “Suck it America” into a locker with a half digested pen, then shoving Bobby Jindal’s head into its door and demanding that he read it back. When the stunned victim struggled to recite the words, Christie jammed a tampon down his throat and sucker punched him in the gut before sticking his head in a urinal and flushing.

Christie is the first GOP candidate among the 200 or so who claim to be running to set forth a national noogie policy. He made it clear that his direct “Vote for me or I'll kick your sorry ass” slogan will be central to his campaign. After cracking his knuckles and spitting into the faces of the audience, he declared, “All you dipshits suck.”
Although he didn’t provide specifics on his foreign policy strategy, Christie stated it would be heavily centered around “whooping the teachers asses.”  When asked about his stance on immigration, he said "That's right, it's a stance...I'll stand on their backs until they break". When reporters inquired about what he'd do about the growing poverty rate in the country, he chuckled and said " I'll close that bridge when I come to it" while kicking the school's janitor in the balls.
The New Jersey governor added a personal touch to his speech by reminiscing about  his high school memories. “Why did I choose here for my press conference? Because I friggin’ owned this place.” He pointed to the cafeteria. “You see that table? That’s where I smashed that nerd Bret Baier's ugly face into a bowl of fish sticks. Told that chucklehead  it was the closest he'd ever come to eating pussy.” "I hated those teachers though, they sent me to detention for beating up the nerds...that's why I have striven to take away their benefits, insulted the shit out of them, and attacked education at every opportunity! I promise to destroy public education for the whole country if elected. It's revenge you see. Ya' friggin' pussies."

"America likes getting swirlies" Jeb knows what I’m talking about... He laughed then added, “And that cunt Rick Santurum is gonna find out real soon!”
      Christie concluded his speech by having a state policeman taze an audience member, and  then he drew a penis on his cheek with a Sharpie, after which he challenged Rick Perry to a “smackdown in the senior lot after fifth period.” While state workers struggled to lift his liter and carry him across the football field to a helicopter, a reporter asked why he was running since Trump really provided the same comic relief. "Your a faggot" he exclaimed while literally strapping on a feed bag full of Wawa hoagies. And as the helicopter lifted off he gave everyone the finger.

Although Christie has no chance whatsoever of winning the GOP nomination
he will be at the convention and the GOP will use him for a blimp.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Breaking News- Trump Calls Press Conference, Announces Something Unintelligible!

Trump mumbled something or other while gargling with his enema backwash Tuesday.
Inside the Trump Tower — past the Trump Bar, the Trump Grill, the Trump Cafe and Trump’s Ice Cream Parlor, beside the storefronts selling Donald Trump neckwear and the basket of Donald Trump books —  Donald Trump descended a golden escalator and stood at a lectern in front of  no less than eight American flags (made in China) Tuesday and gargled with his enema backwash. In between gulps a few words were discernible, “ [glub]I’m really[glub] rich,” he said.

Apparently Trump is pretending to run for president AGAIN! Well, at least until his Celebrity Apprentice show returns in the fall. Until then, we can expect to hear the sound of enema gargling along with the clown horn beeping, and general douchebaggery from the other perennial professional candidates. Well it's great for comedy....not great for American democracy, but that may be a moot point larger than the one on Mike Huckabee's swollen head.

Friday, June 5, 2015

The Only Honest Political Ad You Will See

This might be the only truly honest political ad you see this election cycle.

Produced by: Represent.Us
Posted by Free Talk Live on Monday, April 20, 2015