Thursday, July 26, 2012

God

God, who also often uses aliases such as Yahweh, Allah or Jehovah to evade debt collectors is the supreme Holy Head Honcho. He is best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, the Inca Empire, Big Foot, Robert Mitchum films, and Devil's food cake. He is burdened with the responsibility of sustaining the equilibrium that allows life to continue, such as answering prayers about football games, committing genocide, committing mass infanticide, starting wars, knocking up virgins, and making stars twinkle. Despite this unfathomable responsibility, God shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever some event such as a horse race is on, as he is apparently a compulsive gambler.

      Just before Creation, on the night preceding October 23, 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the great Celestial Poker Game, Satan, aka the Devil aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist to be gathered. In six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the Giants. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan leads the bet, and why sports teams never bother to pray to him. It's also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.
Rare photo of God playing dice with several Albert Einsteins.
Einstein used Relativity to duplicate himself at the Celestial Dice Game, thus beating both God and Satan at their own game.



Sunday, July 22, 2012

Cannibalism On The Rise



Following all the recent incidents of people eating human flesh as a source of nourishment, cannibalism cases are growing on a global scale. Requiring less digestive effort than gorging on chicken, eating people has traditionally been reserved for the elite, but now many are trying to imitate the now infamous Miami Face Eater in an attempt to go down in history right before getting shot by the police. The self proclaimed "Cleveland Face Eater" is currently at large and is comfortably leading the race in cannibalism's "Face Eating" category on Youtube. He posted at least six instances of faci├Ęs delectation, where he can be seen chewing the facial attributes off numerous people, casually washing it all down with some Old Milwaukee Dry. The CEO of the brewery, Mr. Milwaukee, an old and dry fellow himself just like his beer, had this to say about the cannibal:
"Great publicity for us! It's awesome to see someone who enjoys a low-calorie, ice-cold beer made for the Ultra life while chewing a protein-rich face and eyeballs. Modern people are taking care of their diet and have an active lifestyle, and the Cleveland Face Eater is a prime example of today's active lifestyle.
Another well-publicized  instance of cannibalism occurred at the Idaho House of Representatives, where Congressman Hugh G. Bone (R) was savagely attacked by the Speaker of the House right in the middle of a lengthy speech about the new system of grading of bovine meat for small producers. The Speaker's sudden and ferocious attack was reminiscent of a school of piranhas in a feeding frenzy.
As it turned out, Mr. Bone was posthumously awarded a B- rating according to his own gradation system. "HIS GODDAMN SIRLOIN WAS TOO SHORT AND HE HAD STONES IN THE LIVER!!!" the demented speaker shouted relentlessly while being chased by a battalion of wildlife officers wielding nets normally meant for catching grizzly bears.