Monday, December 31, 2012

The Complete Concise Bible In A Nutshell

The bible explains that baseball is underlying purpose of the universe,
as it says in  Genesis 1:1 - "In the big inning"...
Genesis 3:6- 'Eve stole first and Adam stole second.'
Rebekah went to the well with a "pitcher" 
Exodus 4:4 "And he put out his hand, and caught it" 
Numbers 11:32 "Ten homers" 
Proverbs 18:10 "The righteous run into it, and is safe.
Ezekiel 36:12 "Yea, I will cause men to walk"
Noah was an investment guru, he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Cars, like dinosaurs and giants existed back in biblical times ... yes, the disciples were all in one accord.
and God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Plymouth Fury.
Pharaoh's daughter was the best financier in the Bible,
she went down to the bank of the Nile and picked up a little prophet.
The first tennis match mentioned in the Bible is when Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert after people walked like them.
Afterwards, Moses, Larry & Curly went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Condiments.
The first condiment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

  Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Boaz was a Ruth-less man before he got married.
The Phoenicians invented blinds.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!''
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by breasts alone."
Jesus called his disciples together and said unto them: "What about you? Whom do you say that I am?"
They answered him, saying, "You are the Christ, the eschatological manifestation of the kerygma that is the ground of our being, whose meaning we discover in our interpersonal relationships."
And Jesus said unto them, " Huh? ...WTF?"

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off his face.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taxi driver.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony...the idea that a Christian should have only one wife.
This is also called monotony.

It is a sin for a woman to make coffee, in the Bible, it says . . . ‘He-brews’.
Ancient manuscripts confirm a disturbing conclusion: that ghosts will one day haunt your underpants.
It was written about in The Dead See Scrotals.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Surviving Austerity Idiocy

Large Group Of Miserable Asswipes
Gather In D.C. To Ensure The Future Sucks

"God grant us the austerity to defund America back into recession, the courage to ignore basic economics, and wisdom to know everything we do can be reversed by a future generation that is far more intelligent than us dipshit pudfaces! Boo hoo boo hoo wah wah etc."
Who Is This Fiscal Cliff Anyway?
Fiscal Cliff is a pseudonym used by Austerity Santa who does not come down the chimney but enters via the back door once you've been beaten into submission and robbed.

Q. What will happen when Fiscal Cliff comes?
This is a good question, especially since the words “fiscal” and “cliff” are usually associated with events having dire consequences. Neither presidential candidate had any clue of the fiscal cliff during their decade-long campaign, so we had no warning. This is like you are driving down a mountain road and suddenly there is no guard rail and your car goes hurtling over the edge and you realize you have no health insurance and your VISA card has just flipped out of your wallet and you see in the rearview mirror that a some unsavory vagrant person has picked it up off the ground.
Then you are hogtied and told to squeal like a pig.
The Queen of England,
wearing a 60 million dollar hat,
will then lecture you on the need to cut back spending for essential services
while multinational corporate raiders steal whatever is left in your wallet.

Q. Can’t Democrats and Republicans agree in order to fix this?
Democrats and Republicans actually agree on a lot, like the need to be re-elected and to give themselves raises every year for doing squat. They diverge when the subject of the top 2% of wage earners rears its immaculately coiffed head. Republicans want to spare rich people any tax increases. Democrats want to find interns to send naked pictures of themselves to.

Q: Who can we  blame for this crap?
Washington Post-Pew Research Center poll this week found that a majority of Americans would blame Republicans. But 48% blame bears or Martians.

Q: How can we fix this?
Donald Trump will pay off the entire national debt if Obama would admit  that he was a pawn of the secret Muslim government from Mars.

Yes but how does one survive this Fiscal Cliff Austerity Bomb?
Here are the suggestions from National Buffoon:

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Frequently Asked Questions About Death

You're dead. Now What?
Nothing. That's what.
No whining or bitching. Because you can't. You are dead.
You at least want some questions answered?
You'd probably be better off just getting used to keeping quiet,wise ass!

In your first and final venture into mortality, you may notice the weather is neither hot nor cold, and there are no rainy or sunny days. Or more specifically, you may have noticed how "weather" does not exist.  In fact, you may find in your dead state that approximately 100% of the sensations and phenomena you were familiar with in your living days are surprisingly nonexistent, much like yourself.

What is death?
Remember how, when you were breathing, you wasted hours and hours watching shitty television?
Well, this is exactly like that, except without the shitty television.
Perhaps you have noticed a light shining in the distance.
Do not approach it.
In the past countless slab jockeys such as yourself
  have fooled themselves into believing it was  Ed Zeppelin's Stairway to heaven,
or possibly an angel food cake,
or even God.
However, it's my cell phone blinking.
I have messages.
You don't though.
Because you're fucking dead.

You Are Dead FAQ ..........
  • Q: I was a good person all of my life. I lived honestly, I respected others and I made every effort to help those in need, whether family, friend or stranger. So, where do I cash in on this?
  • A: Please take the zero-value voucher you didn't receive to the nothing counter. Nobody will hand you a large box of nothing full of the finest nothing. Enjoy!

  • Q: I was basically a selfish, belligerent asshole throughout my entire life, but I still think I was pretty sweet. What do I get?
  • A: Gather a party consisting of nobody and head for the Forest of Nothing. You will not find your way through it. You will not come to a cave. Within the nonexistent cave, you will not battle a ferocious dragon. Upon defeating no dragon you will not break an ancient seal that does not lead to any secret treasure cove filled with the most splendid nothing in the entire non-existent kingdom. Congratulations!

  • Q: If I hadn't read this article would I still be alive?
  • A: ...Yes.

  • Q: Can I become a zombie?
  • A: ...No.

  • Q: How about a ghost?
  • A: No.

  • Q: Maybe a vampire?
  • A: No!!!

  • Q: Werewolf?
  • A: No!!!!! That doesn't even make sense!

  • Q: Animated skeleton?
  • A: SHUT UP!!!!!


For more on death see this wiki for nihilism.

Monday, December 17, 2012

World's Best Worst Children's Books!

By National Buffoon Literature Editor,
  Dr. Jim Pansey)

   A Quick list
of the greatest
Children's Books
ever written.

 A dysfunctional favorite!
Pick one up for a fiend as well as yourself!

Comes with recipes for date rape drugs!

Teach the kids about the wonders of being a nasty bully!

Learn about the inevitability of death.

 The mystery of the STDs.

In chapter 10 he gets rolled, sucker punched and left in a ditch.

 This one is a howler!
Rover will love it!

 Introduce the youngsters to the wonders of alcoholism!

 Yes, well hey...times are tough in this economy.

 Introduce the kids to the wonders of nature...and poison ivy!

 Come along on Stabby's killing spree!

 A perennial favorite!

...And soils himself !

 This was originally published as "Killing Christmas" by Bill O Reilly
But now sold repackaged with art ripped off from Dr. Seuss for the kids!

 Introduce the kids to watery death!
Fun for all ages!
  Real life problem solving!

 By Stanley Kubrick!
His only children's book!
 Breast augmentation for toddlers!

 Start the little sadists off on the right foot!

 Sooner or later kids, you're going to need this book.

 Fun and instructional!

 Hint---no that isn't Disneyland kids.
Now dig!

 From the Penn State library to yours!

Big seller at the Vatican!

 ...she'll put out one of it's eyes.

Of course she does.

 That's right kids
not only is there no Santa.
But if there is a God, (and there likely isn't) he hates you and wants you to suffer. LOL!

 Incompetent boob Sarah Palin scribbles some nonsense.
Can be used as toilet paper.
 Explore the wonders of substance abuse with the Berenstain Bears!

 The wonders of various intestinal illnesses from eating green meats and moldy eggs!

Fun with flatulence!

Teach the kids about numerous bacterial infections caused by ingesting fecal matter.