Sunday, January 13, 2013

Long Lost Beatles Album -

Not since their original piscine release, The Yellowfin Submarine has there been a more brill-iant work from the fab four...this album was was originally a catch and release on the Oyster label.  However the critics at the time claimed it was a crappie album and said it was panned  (in butter, with a little salt and pepper). Comments by John Lemon suggesting the Beatles were were more popular than Cods had caused quite a stir-fry at the time, and most existing copies were burned by amateur chefs. We at National Buffoon have unearthed a rare copy to share with you here today. Enjoy!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Know Your Tea Party Douche Bags

OLYMPIA, Washington -- The newly elected Republican legislators-enough to keep control of the House of Reprehensibles--have arrived at the capital in Washington....the state of Washington,
raising the possibility that the House in D.C. will be in Democratic hands.

The wave of clueless douche bags
supported by the Tea Party movement,
arrived in Olympia by bus,  unaware that it is a state capital
rather than the national one.
Their constituents would be disappointed figuring
 that they knew the capitol is on the east side of the country...
We say "would be disappointed"
if they weren't low functioning invertebrates
incapable of any response beyond fear & anger
As their meager neural net is primarily occupied
entirely by the strain of using flagella and cilia
for locomotion.
The Washington state legislature was in session 
when the buffoons arrived but was not
disposed to let the out-of-staters participate.

Marco Rubio, the Senator from America's wang, Florida;
demanded the mining of cheese on the moon begin at once.

He was disappointed to find that the subject
was nowhere on the agenda in Olympia.
"I presume the bill is originating over in the House then," he said.

Who Are These Tea Baggers
And What The Hell Do They Want?

The movement has no national platform,
 but local chapters spend hours assembling statements of positions, 
which may or may not include the following planks:
  • Shouting down people in wheelchairs at town halls
  • Impeaching the President for no apparent reason
  • Keeping "Gubbermint" socialism out of their Social Security checks
  • Generally mucking up stuff so it can't work
  • Immediate implementation of nursery school level concepts of economics
  • All types of inane absurdity outweighing veridical reality

Tea Party platforms often coincide with things that Republicans say,
before they actually get elected and find more lucrative rackets.

Being officially unorganized and local,
the Tea Party has no national spokespersons
--only persons who want to ride it for political advantage.
If the movement were to acquire a national spokesperson,
it would have to be someone who, like themselves,
was a demonstrable moron
on questions of geography,
history, current events, and civics.
The leader would have to proudly be disconnected from, and uninterested, in all institutions of culture and higher learning.

So in summation what we have here is a movement of obese low income white people
who attend anti-government rallies on motorized mobility scooters—
with big wire baskets full of Ho hos—
  payed for by the very same government that they see as the source of all their problems.
  There is no  irony deficiency there!

Teabag Memorial In Boston
The other things Tea Partiers share in common are
gullibility, Fox News, lack of sophistication;
but nothing more telling than their willingness to believe all right-wing propaganda
even at the expense of their own self interest. 

This isn’t news, of course,
but what is news is the fact that Tea Party skooter trash
actually entertains the notion they can "take government back"
with their “second amendment remedies”;
that is to say, using their guns and their mobility skooters,
they will some day storm the nation’s capital
and after a bloody skirmish, wrest control of government
from the hands of the United States military.
The sheer lunacy of their collective failure
to think such moronic scenarios through
has brought us an electoral slate of national candidates
so uniquely unqualified to hold office that it has,
more than any other single factor,
brought home just how important it is
to have an educated and well informed electorate.
Normal Americans would like to think
such craziness is restricted to the far fringes of American society,
but that was before Fox News became an unmitigated 24-7 propaganda tool
of a few billionaire plutocrats. 
And what of these tea bag candidates?
They are no different from the last lot of  Republicans.
Once they get in there, they will tow the line for the rich
and leave the people that put them into office
waving their idiotic signs in the street till no one cares any more.
As of now, any Americans found sitting out an election on the sidelines
(such as the coming midterm elections),
deserves to be run over and crushed to death by some morbidly obese tea bagger on a mobility scooter.  May we all learn from their stupid sacrifice!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Worst Names Ever

National Buffoon asks the musical question..."WTF?"
Were the parents of these people sadists?
These names are bad enough
to merit letting them be guest National Buffoon corespondents.

To the best of our knowledge these are legitimate actual names.

Though prejudging someone based on their name might seem unfair, we do so when making decisions. , for example, that those with an Oriental name are thought to be good at maths, so an employer looking to hire a computer programmer might push an application to the top of the pile if they see a Chinese name .
Names don’t just give away your ethnic background –we also associate specific names with a person’s perceived ability to do a job. Who would be a better American football player, someone whose name is Bronco or Colt, or someone named Francis or Percival?”
Such stereotyping, by ourselves as well as others, might explain why some people seem to have picked occupations that suit their name, a phenomenon dubbed ‘nominative determinism’ in the behavioral sciences. Record-breaking sprinter Usain Bolt is just one example of a ‘Mr Bun... the Baker’ from the real world.

Here are a few more:
  • Bonnie Beaver (Ob/Gyn of course!)
  • Brad Hammer (carpenter)
  • Chip Stone (sculptor)
  • Edward Z. Filler (DDS...though he may have been tempted to become a porn star)
  • H. Wayne Carver (Connecticut medical examiner who ironically carves up dead people.)

The ‘me’ in name

The letters of our name can have an influence on the career path we might choose to follow. According to psychologist Dr Brett Pelham, an analyst for statistics firm Gallup, people have a tendency to follow professions that resemble their first names, meaning that lawyers called Laura and dentists named Dennis are especially common. “When I lived in LA, there was a dentist named Dennis Smiler – you can’t have a much better match than that!”
Pelham’s 2002 research paper entitled ‘Why Susie Sells Seashells by the Seashore’ describes how this ‘name-letter effect’ can influence our life choices. It’s an effect so far-reaching that it goes beyond alliteration (more seashell shops are owned by Sheryls than Cheryls) and can even influence where we’ll choose to live: women named Georgia are disproportionately more likely to move to the state of Georgia, and men called Louis are over-represented in Louisiana.
For the study, Pelham mined the archived census records from south-eastern US states. When he scrutinized marriage records, he also found that names can also affect who we’ll choose to wed – people with common surnames like Smith are more likely to marry another Smith than a Johnson.
The name-letter effect is caused by what Pelham calls ‘implicit egotism’. In other words, we’re all unconsciously attracted to things that remind us of ourselves – including the letters in our names. “If you notice even some fragment of your name, it catches your attention and creates a positive association for you,” says Pelham.
In one experiment, his team subliminally paired people’s names with a random number on a computer screen for 1/100th of a second. During this 70-second conditioning process, the participants were shown multiple name-number combinations. When they were later asked to evaluate a woman wearing an American football jersey, both male and female participants judged the woman more favorably when the number on her jersey corresponded to their own name. “They’re completely unaware that that’s the basis for the preference,” said Pelham.

A is for Achievement

Names also hold the secret to success. In 2006, American economists looked at the link between surnames and academic prominence, finding that those with initials early in the alphabet were markedly more likely to work in prestigious university departments and win a Nobel Prize.
This ‘alphabetical discrimination’ was probably due to the fact that the authors of academic papers are often listed in alphabetical order. And as Professor Richard Wiseman (yep! that's his name) from the University of Hertfordshire points out, we’re used to associating things at the top of a list as winners, “Over time, it wouldn’t surprise me if you had this psychological effect.”
Whether it’s being called for the school register or a job interview, people with the top names have got used to being first. To test this theory, Wiseman invited Telegraph readers to rate how successful they thought they were in assorted aspects of their life – including career, finances, health and ‘life in general’. The scores were then combined into an overall measure of success.
The 15,000 people who responded 
also provided their age, sex and surname. “We saw that the further down the alphabet your surname came, the less likely you were to be successful,” says Wiseman.
This bond between surname and perceived success was stronger in older age groups, which might be because past generations were more likely to have been ordered alphabetically in the classroom. “So it’s possible the As and Bs got more attention from the teacher or were simply better behaved because they were towards the front, and therefore got higher grades.”

The sound of success

Names can also make you more successful with the opposite sex. In another of Wiseman’s name experiments, 6000 members of the British public were asked to rate the 40 most popular first names for various qualities, including attractiveness, luck and success.
“For intelligence and success it was the royal names that came top – the Jameses and the Elizabeths,” says Wiseman. “This is one of those self-fulfilling prophecies: if you have a name which sounds intelligent or attractive, then you could be treated differently, or behave in a different way.”
Psychologists note that stereotypes tend to be shallow assumptions that are often wiped out once you find out more about someone or meet them in person. George for instance was at the bottom of the list in the sexiness dept., but I bet few would see George Clooney as unattractive right? And though Frank Zappa may have always been last on alphabetical lists, he was very these are generalities obviously....not mandates.
Precisely why certain names are understood to be more attractive is still unknown, but one guess is that they may be subtle cues as to masculinity or femininity. And whether a name sounds boyish or girlish also affects success at school, says David Figlio, a professor of economics at Northwestern University in Illinois.
“Names such as Ashley started out as boys’ names but nowadays they’re popular girls’ names,” says Figlio, who studies the social consequences of names. His work has shown that boys with androgynous names tend to misbehave and become disruptive as soon as they hit high school. “A boy named Ashley gets teased and feels more self-conscious, particularly if there’s a girl with the same name in the class. They bring the test scores in their entire class down with them.”
This stereotyping might also dictate our occupations; girls with feminine-sounding names like Elizabeth are less likely to study science, meaning that the parents’ choice of name could send their daughter down a particular career path.
Figlio created linguistics software that assigns a ‘femininity score’ to names and tracked the school subjects chosen by 1000 pairs of sisters. The program gives higher scores to names like Elizabeth, which contains several soft consonant sounds (‘z’ in the middle and ‘th’ at the end), and longer names (girls’ names tend to be longer). When you run these factors through the computer, names like Alex are rated as less feminine.
“Even if you limit it to only the girls who were performing in the top 15 per cent on US math exams, Elizabeth is more likely to choose the humanities,” says Figlio, “and Alex would take advanced maths and science.” Success in school is another self-fulfilling prophecy, as stereotypes associated with feminine names are reinforced by society, including teachers, parents and even the girls themselves.

Spelling trouble

A poll of 3000 UK teachers found that almost half admitted imagining what new pupils would be like after seeing a new school register. Although this might be unsettling for parents to hear, it’s difficult to blame the teachers because many of their assumptions will be based on past experiences.
The survey revealed that a third of teachers claimed they could spot trouble in names like Callum, Crystal and Chardonnay, but also considered kids on such a ‘naughty list’ often to be bright, sensitive and more popular than those who were better behaved.
And while parents might want to give their children a distinctive label so that they stand out from the crowd, they should also consider the long-term psychological effects. A 1960s study of psychiatric records found that those with unusual names were more likely to be diagnosed psychotic, while recent research has shown that boys with the least popular names are more likely to commit crime.
Unusual names convey a lot of other information too, such as social standing. “In the US, there are distinctively black names that signify higher classes, and names that might connote lower class,” says Figlio. Ebony, for instance, is sometimes given to girls by female university graduates, but rarely by mothers who drop out of school. Teachers pick up on this and treat children differently.

“Parents should give their children whatever name they want, but they need to recognize that names have consequences,” says Figlio. “Is a name 
a guaranteed ladder to success? Of course not. But can a name make your life a little bit easier? Yes, it would seem so. And in the case of the these pitiable people whose photos grace the pages of this post one can only scratch ones head and be thankful for our own unique names....unless of course your name is Peter Puller, Connie Lingus, Edith McCrotch, or Phil McCracken.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Second Coming Less Than Triumphant

A much-awaited and oft ballyhooed comeback by mankind's Lord and Savior
 isn't quite having its intended effect.
Not long after returning to earth and attempting to bring back what he calls 'Actual Christianity,"
religious leader, God, Ho Ho Holiest Spook, and Son of a Gun;  Jesus H. Christ
is finding very few converts to his new reform movement,
and plenty of "aborted" Christians seeking better alternatives
to the  Kenyan Socialist ways of the Lord.
"The plan seemed to make sense at the time," remarked Jesus.
"Come back, prove that you're God, clear up some misunderstandings,
and maybe add a new New Testament or 2.
But it's starting to seem like old times all over again.
And believe me-those old times were shitty".

A recent poll funded by Jesus himself seems to be pointing towards a second Last Supper,
as a whopping 96% of the population believes Jesus is God
but wants absolutely nothing to do with any of his teachings.
94% want him to go back to Heaven and leave us alone,
and 38% "wouldn't be upset" if he were crucified again.
"Christianity was pretty cool before Jesus came back,"
remarked Christian unconvert Canaanite Baal, formerly known as Wooten Cross.
"I mean, it didn't take itself so seriously, and it managed to make bingo  fun and entertaining.
But Jesus is just plain out of control.
First he got rid of Christmas. Then he changed the lyrics to 'Amazing Grace.'
And now he's trying to ban Assault Rifles.
The guy pretty much ruined a religion
that had a successful 2000 year run without him and his liberal nonsense."

To make matters worse, the results of a worldwide Apostle search
also seem to be echoing that sentiment, as many were called, but only four showed up.
"Four apostles!?" said Jesus via his "Jesus H, Christ" Twitter account.
"Four apostles!?
I did better than that the first time around!
It's the liberal media. They're crucifying me. (What else is new?)"

"I think the guy's a couple of sticks short of a crucifix," said atheist Chuck Fables,
whose lifewithoutspooks website has seen a 20,000% increase in traffic since the second coming.
"And I don't care what he says-he's not God.
Don't get me wrong. His second coming was unlikely.
But by no means does that prove it was an actual act of God.
I mean, if Nature can add energy to old soup and create life,
it can also bring back a 2000 year old dead Jew who probably never even existed in the first place."

"Honest to God, God's really starting to annoy me," remarked Jennifer Love Johnsons,
head of The Religious Tolerance Churchything.
"He's completely intolerant of anyone who doesn't follow him.
And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's religious intolerance."

Even Father Paul Mark Toddlers, one of the few people who has supported Jesus since his return to earth, has been critical of some of his beliefs:
"I think he's taking this Bible crap way too literally. I mean, he really wants people to give up their stop being materialistic.
He actually had me walk two miles with some homeless guy the other day.
And now he wants to bring back that "Golden Rule sermon on the mount shit?!
I like his zeal and commitment-but to be honest, I think he's something of an extremist."

The Second Coming has also caused church attendance to plummet, 
and forced clergy members to abandon their core focus of politics and finance.
"Jesus wants to bring an end to a $300 zillion a year industry,"
said Deacon Harry Bullocks of the First Tammy Faye Pentecostal Church.
"I mean, he's telling everyone to go home and pray in closets.
And just the other day, he had one of his thugs replace our crucifix with a Jewish star.
But as God as my witness, the Church will survive without this commie Jesus fellow."

The Catholic Church-now known as the Alternative to Christ Child Molesters
 -has already added Jesus to its heretics list,
and is scrambling to disassociate itself from its longtime Lord and Savior.
A special Council of Pseudomancy meeting is still working out the details
of the soon to be released New and Improved New Testament,
which-according to rumors-
will be centered around 20th century country music star Kenny Rogers.
"Jesus is trying to destroy the religion we spent years creating and promoting,"
remarked Pope Heartless Killchrist I (formerly known as Pope Ratznazi).
"We've been doing this for 2000 years-we know exactly what it takes to run a successful religion.
Jesus might be an expert when it comes to philosophy and metaphysical matters,
but he really doesn't know the first thing about this industry!"

Even former U.S. President  George Dubya Bush who claimed Jesus told him what to do
(though we all knew it was Dick Cheney fooling him by using the intercom)
is rushing to join the anti-Jesus crowd.
"Jesus is almost as  bad as a Communist Islamic fundamentalist North Korean Cuban Soviet homosexual,"  he said.  "He's against capitalism, free speech, and violence-and as far as I'm concerned,
that means he's against America.
And if you're against America, you're against God-even if you happen to be God.
We also have good reason to believe he's been developing WMDs.
  Jesus that he may take our afterlives, but he'll never take... our freedom!" 
OO  OO OO ahahaha oooooom

 Jesus was hoping to gain some popularity
with last night's Jesus Live-a miracle-filled TV extravaganza
that aired on 433,234,758 of the world's 856,784,212 TV channels
-but his Apostle count remained unchanged at four,
and it seems like Christ will need more than a miracle to win over the public.
"OK-most of those feats were impressive,"
said viewer David Beelzeblaine, "I'll give him that.
But the guy's not even healing people anymore.
He's just turning bread into more bread, and water into wine.
I mean, that didn't get him very far back in the old days
and magic really isn't that hot nowadays."

"I figured my comeback would cost us a few members," Jesus remarked,
"but I was hoping we'd gain a few hundred billion more.
I can't say I'm entirely surprised, though.
Ezekiel, Isaiah, and Jeremiah mentioned something about the Son of Man
being rejected and persecuted. I was hoping they were just drunk and talking out of their asses,
or that maybe they were referring to some other Son of Man...
but I guess they meant me."
"To be honest, I'm starting to rethink this whole reform thing.
I mean screw these morons.
Why bother?
They are hopeless and greedy. To hell with them!"

Thursday, January 3, 2013

The U.S. Government- A Civics Lesson

Holding America Hostage

“Nothing stops odor terror like Febreeze™, the original Freedom™ fabric-refresher. Give your home a breath of fresh air!”
~ Former President George W. Bush on Febreeze™ fabric-refresher

The federal government of the United States is one of the most well-known
Freemason corporate autocracy
corporate-sponsored public service programs in the United States. The 'Government' creates laws and maintains order so that citizens of the United States may concentrate on buying products from corporations.

The Constitution

The Constitution of the United States was created for subsequent nitwits elected to congress to use for toilet paper. The board members of Toyota thought it'd be a good idea to try to put some funny ideas on paper to entertain fellow self appointed aristocrats and mislead the peasantry. It was kind of fun, but was quickly forgotten after the lyrics to "Rappers Delight" was released; a song by the funk band Sugarhill Gang, which George Washington and Ben Franklin had penned before the music industry collapsed.