Sunday, August 23, 2015

Mexicans Build Wall To Keep Donald Trump Out

NBC executives say
that if Donald Trump does run for president,
they will not renew 'The Apprentice.'
So some good may come out of this.

Friday, August 7, 2015

Republican Debates Are Over, Who Will Clean This Mess Up?

The Debates are over. Who won? No one really.
Who lost? The American people.
In a straw poll taken after the debate, a new fear has stricken Americans.
Yes, they are deeply concerned that the rest of the world might have seen it.
And fear the United States’ prestige around the world has been flushed down the toilet.
Airlines expressed concern international broadcasts of the debate would greatly diminish their business. As people from the US will never desire to ever travel abroad or talk to foreigners again.
In another measure of Americans’ discomfort with Fox's televised event, those surveyed strongly agreed that the U.S. government should block the foreign transmission of any future debates, and that Fox News should air a disclaimer and explanation of the contest beforehand, but no one had any idea what that explanation could possibly be.
Domestically there was an upside...the pharmaceutical companies report a marked increase in sales of both anti-depressants and anti-nausea medications!
It is felicitous that Trump is in the race, after all it's become simply another "reality TV show".
With all the class and intelligence of the typical genre. With a wealth of candidates and 16 more of these shameful displays of ignorance and embarrassing amentia on tap the show's producers hope it will be as big a hit as their other lousy embarrassing reality shows, "The Jersey Shore" & "Ew, Who farted?" 

In case you missed it here's a synopsis.

The candidates all agreed Jesus wrote the constitution, and all were in favor of more war and military spending. They all also agreed that all government spending that didn't directly benefit the billionaires and multinational corporate oligarchs was bad. Arguments broke out about who was loonier, who God said he was voting for, and which Clinton they despised more...but other than Trump's bombastic remarks, it was all predictable and silly. The same old crap about the billionaires being over taxed and military spending needing to be increased. The same old crap about programs that benefit people other than the billionaires are evil. Research, public education, evil! Walmart good. Coal and Koch industries good. "Look fire come from tiny box!" OOO   OOO!
Rubio pointed out afterwards that his wife was a Miami Dolphins cheerleader, which is nice because she would know how to appear to be enthusiastic about someone who stands no chance of winning.

Scott Walker announced his plan to destroy Planned Parenthood by forcing horny teenagers to stare at photo of his face. Why is all his hair on only one side of his head?  Why do all these guys have weird hair of one kind or another? Maybe they are all Martians in poorly outfitted rubber human suits? Hey it's more plausible than anything said during the televised harebrained foolishness passing for a debate.
Mike Huckabee said that every animal on earth lived within walking distance of Noah's house.
Donald Trump proposed a gold plated helicopter replace Air Force One.
Bush discussed strategies to limit minority voting. Inexplicably Ben Carson contributed some ideas.
Then Jeb added "As Governor of Florida, I got my brother elected & thus... killed a bunch of innocent Iraqis and created ISIS. You're welcome"
The candidates argued about which scientific facts pissed them off the most while Chris Wallace ignited one of Bret Baier's farts with a lighter. Scott Walker told Megyn Kelly he liked rape and incest. Rand Paul admitted he wanted to be the president so more people would kiss his ass every day. They all agreed they liked fetuses, and want them all armed with machine guns, but they don't like vaginas except for Trump. They agreed vaginas were tolerable as long as they had muzzles.
Megyn Kelly said "Hey now, let's cut out all the crazy talk we've all encouraged and glorified since going on the air back when Bill Clinton was the president!"
Kasich claimed he should be president because his father was a mailman.
Ted Cruz claimed he had the best plan to screw over the middle class, and lamented about not being the one who killed that lion. The debate was made more colorful by the addition of not just Ben Carson, but "audience" questions via facebook Fox News fans.
These were the hard hitting questions of the evening.
"What's your favorite Ricky Martin song?"
"Do you watch game of thrones?"
"What do you think of Hillary's Hair?"
"Hey was the moon landing real?"
"Who should I hate once Obama is gone?"
"Do you think you should pay taxes?"
"What do you think of this crazy spherical earth talk?"
"How exactly do you get your head that far up your ass? Yoga?"

After the show, no one at Fox was available for comment, they were all too busy celebrating Jon Stewart leaving the Daily Show by popping champagne bottles on Bill O Riley's Penis.


Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Christie Pissed Off Because Of Exclusion From Debates

Chris Christie gathered supporters at his old high school in Livingston, New Jersey after being snubbed by Rupert Murdoch. Angry not to have been included in the Fox Republican Debates, Christie announces his plans to give America a giant wedgie. Yes that's right, "and that pussy Ted Cruz will eat my shorts too" he said in a press release.
Known for his blunt abrasive style, the loose cannon Republican anti-union candidate unveiled his  new campaign slogan by etching “Suck it America” into a locker with a half digested pen, then shoving Bobby Jindal’s head into its door and demanding that he read it back. When the stunned victim struggled to recite the words, Christie jammed a tampon down his throat and sucker punched him in the gut before sticking his head in a urinal and flushing.

Christie is the first GOP candidate among the 200 or so who claim to be running to set forth a national noogie policy. He made it clear that his direct “Vote for me or I'll kick your sorry ass” slogan will be central to his campaign. After cracking his knuckles and spitting into the faces of the audience, he declared, “All you dipshits suck.”
Although he didn’t provide specifics on his foreign policy strategy, Christie stated it would be heavily centered around “whooping the teachers asses.”  When asked about his stance on immigration, he said "That's right, it's a stance...I'll stand on their backs until they break". When reporters inquired about what he'd do about the growing poverty rate in the country, he chuckled and said " I'll close that bridge when I come to it" while kicking the school's janitor in the balls.
The New Jersey governor added a personal touch to his speech by reminiscing about  his high school memories. “Why did I choose here for my press conference? Because I friggin’ owned this place.” He pointed to the cafeteria. “You see that table? That’s where I smashed that nerd Bret Baier's ugly face into a bowl of fish sticks. Told that chucklehead  it was the closest he'd ever come to eating pussy.” "I hated those teachers though, they sent me to detention for beating up the nerds...that's why I have striven to take away their benefits, insulted the shit out of them, and attacked education at every opportunity! I promise to destroy public education for the whole country if elected. It's revenge you see. Ya' friggin' pussies."

"America likes getting swirlies" Jeb knows what I’m talking about... He laughed then added, “And that cunt Rick Santurum is gonna find out real soon!”
      Christie concluded his speech by having a state policeman taze an audience member, and  then he drew a penis on his cheek with a Sharpie, after which he challenged Rick Perry to a “smackdown in the senior lot after fifth period.” While state workers struggled to lift his liter and carry him across the football field to a helicopter, a reporter asked why he was running since Trump really provided the same comic relief. "Your a faggot" he exclaimed while literally strapping on a feed bag full of Wawa hoagies. And as the helicopter lifted off he gave everyone the finger.

Although Christie has no chance whatsoever of winning the GOP nomination
he will be at the convention and the GOP will use him for a blimp.