Monday, November 28, 2011

Black Friday Shoppers Mistaken For Occupy Wall Street Protesters


By National Buffoon political Correspondent Darius Lesgettham
 Wall Street, NEW YORK CITY, New York --
Some 10,000 people lined up outside the legendary Macy's for Black Friday since 4 a.m Thursday  and were  mistaken by police as Occupy Wall Street protesters.
"There were hundreds of angry, despondent assholes in a long line " said Officer Frank Furter as he gunned down a smiling woman with a couple of shopping bags in hand. "Who the hell could blame us?"
Officer Frank Furter eliminates a terrorist threat
"who knows what kind of bomb she had in those bags!"

 Although the department store did not open for several hours, customers felt it was best to arrive early for no apparent reason. "What the hell's wrong with kids these days?" Furter asks. "Don't they ever sleep?"

 The Occupy Wall Street protests have gotten so out-of-hand and so heavily shoved down our throats by the mainstream media that police were called to break up any large crowds near the NYC area. "It's getting uglier ever day," said Officer Stu Pitt. "You sure didn't see this crap in the 60s or 70s!"

Macys is occupied.
Retired Capt. Ray Lewis, who was arrested in the Occupy protest on November 18, has spoken out against the cops. "These people have a constitutional right to buy whatever they want. These cops are idiots. Where's the protest signs? The people shouting and chanting? The only shouting I heard was 'Open the damn door!' at about 7:01 this morning, because they were late opening. The store apologized for the tardiness and kindly asked the cops to leave, but they refused and began pepper spraying and shooting people, even the clerks in the store...idiots I tell you!"

Despite the violence a few customers managed to buy  some  I-pads, Zunes, kitchen paraphernalia, seasonal decorations and even an old William Shatner LP.

In other news Justin Bieber ate a sandwich.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Worst Christmas Cards

Tis the season...
for depression and suicide.
Have your friends robo-call  a hotline and tie up their lines just for yuks! Ask them how you cook a turkey.
By National Buffoon Editor Ben New

Some cards are "professionally" devised and some are not.
This first one is nominated for the sweater shirt combo. Awful! 

Is he tweaking her nips?
 This must be the fellow in our first photo who was  hanging around
...this photo obviously had been taken earlier in the day of course.
The dollar store inflatable Santa adds a touch of class

 Oh Yes!
...and keep Odin In Solstice as well.
"Chicks really dig me"

Of Course what would the holidays be without rednecks  taking pictures of their kids in front of the tree with assault rifles and sub machine guns. They forgot the malt liquor I guess.
We"re leaving Santa a beer and a Slim Jim Xmas eve!

Jimmy, your mom called. She wants her sweater back.

Blechh, come on you can't be serious.
The sweaters are bad enough but the damned vest is a blasphemy. Still the clothes are not really the problem are they?

Phil here is certainly festive...Mom must be proud. 
She'll be even prouder if you move out of her basement though.
Family and friends surely were delighted when this photo card was delivered with postage due.

 This is actually a fine card and really very very traditional.
Santa taking time out for an orgy? It IS Saturnalia I suppose.
The pause that refreshes!
Ho...Ho...and another Ho!

 The guy in the back is dozing.
I'm sure they get a group discount from their therapist

 These kids will surely become serial killers...and who can blame them really?
Which one would you kick in the ass first? Decisions, decisions...

Mom would have been in the picture but she had to run to the store.
Her subscription to Soldier Of Fortune magazine ran out.
You just know they really think those scarves are cool.If Santa noticed these guys in his toy shop, he'd fumigate the place.

Better to give than to receive.
The dog seeks revenge. His owners had dressed him up in a bad holiday sweater and antlers for a holiday card photo.
A team? They are missing the hole.

 Yeah, a man who thinks he's his pet's father is shooting blanks...this would explain the smile on his wife's know she's getting some on the side.
Advice for the dog....RUN!!!!!

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Atheist Holiday Traditions

Atheists celebrate the holidays in many festive ways.
Here are a few traditions valued by non theists.
               The Holiday Hominid Creche
(Sometimes watched over by a winged Frank Zappa for some reason)

 Atheists enjoy watching of A Charlie Brown Solstice as much as anyone!

 Another fine atheist tradition is donning  Nietzsche Holiday Sweaters!

 Atheists enjoy dressing up like frosty the snowman and debating Parson Brown

 Of course there's the atheist symbol wreath

And it just wouldn't be the holidays without gingerbread primates!

 ...Or Ginger Bread Darwin cookies!

 Taking the kids to see Professor Klaus at the local university

And on the eve of the solstice, hanging a starfish on the Phylogenetic Tree!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Democracy Inaction!

 Remember when the founders said "we the corporations in order to form a more perfect domination?" Yeah, neither do I. But they did have a few comments regarding the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. In fact they thought that was important enough to be the first amendment in the Bill Of Rights.
"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all property until their children wake up homeless on the continent their Fathers conquered...I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies... The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs."-Thomas Jefferson  (Source-Monticello official website)

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable Rights; that among these, are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness; that to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the people to alter or abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness." - Declaration Of Independence

"Up yours punk. I work for the money changers"

"Damned hippies"
"If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms. Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen."- Samuel Adams 

"Piss on you George, I work for Potter!"

"Wha? The wicked witch of the west is a job creator. She created my job damn it. And there are all those flying monkeys to think of!"
"United Federation my ass Kirk, that's socialism!"
"Somebody stop me!"

Friday, November 18, 2011

War On Thanksgiving Under Fire

Traditional Thanksgiving Is Under Attack From the Liberal Straw Man (on far left).
By National Buffoon
Holiday Correspondent
Helen A. Handbasket
No one suspected it, only a few have had the fortitude to report it, but there is a war on Thanksgiving and if you have not chosen a side, you hate America. That's right. Every week your friends at Fairly Unbalanced Noose discover some plot by some evil doing straw men to destroy everything decent in the universe which of course is finite and extends only as far north as Kentucky. Moon bat Boogieman are poised to urinate in your mom's apple pie and force themselves anally on the Virgin Mary.  Yep. Of course they alerted us in the past (and will again, before the sacred black Friday dance of conspicuous consumption begins) to the dastardly Straw man plot to destroy Christmas, but little did I or anyone else with an intact cerebellum suspect these liberal straw men were also plotting to destroy the most American of American holidays...Black Friday, the annual Mal*Wart stampede itself, and it's lesser prequel...Thanksgiving.

 They are attacking the very nature of the holiday
 - the promotion of gluttony!

 Inexplicably the straw men are trying to force the socialist pinko commie notion that instead of gorging oneself into a coma that one should give the needy a little more and the broad-beamed a little less. They argue everybody is happier and healthier at the end of the day. This is blasphemy!  We true traditionalists say the morbidly obese should always have more and the hungry less because that's the way God and the free enterprise system work!  That's why Jesus, who of course was American and taught that greed is good while charity and decency was the devil; beat the crap out of the poor (The poor and their ilk annoyed the money changers in the temple simply by existing. The money changers had no interaction with them of course, but were annoyed anyway through osmosis.) 

Liberal Straw Man Behind The Attack!

The Liberal Straw Man is thinking up
 new holidays to ruin for you.
Get real all you liberal Sin Fein loving hippies! A pig pigs! It's just natural. Giving them smaller portions and denying them seconds, thirds, fourths, fiths, sixths, sevenths, 189ths, etc. would only possibly discourage them as job creators. Of course everyone knows only corpulent porcine gluttons can create jobs. That family owned business down the street? Commies! Godless liberal feminist dope crazed deviates who operate lesbian abortion farms. Crazed Qaddafi loving Statists and  enviro-terrorists who adore Mad Bob Mugabe because they are liberty squashing fruitcakes who hate America, Lassie, Mal*Wart, and your mother.

Today they destroy Thanksgiving,
Next it will be my Lawn Ornament!
We must draw a line in the cranberry sauce.

   Yes that's right, you heard right...informed secret sources somewhere in an Orange County strip mall ministry have reported to some drooling nitwit masquerading as journalist on the Fairly Unbalanced Noose network that the Straw men  want to dye your cranberry sauce yellow – which just happens to have been Benedict Arnold's and Adolf Hitler's favorite color!  Not only that, but the society of  pedophile football coaches is reporting that the Straw men practice witchcraft.
The National Buffoon Is Sponsored By Mal*Wart
Your source for inferior goods at cheapass prices,
slave labor, and prosperity depletion! 
These devious super communist Straw men don't oppose giving thanks per se; they just don't want the thanks going to a specific local deity. You can give thanks to a generic deity, as long as your grace doesn't leave out any of the known gods. Always include Jehovah, Allah, Lao-tzu, Baal, Gog and Magog, Ra, Zeus, Jupiter, Odin, Buddha, Harry Krishna, Confucius, the Great Spirit, Quetzalcoatl, Mammon and of course all the inbred Caesars who achieved godhood by simple proclamation (to name but a few).

Try Yahweh's Fire & Brimstone Barbecue...or else!

By the time you get them all properly acknowledged and lauded, of course, the mashed potatoes will be cold and the rolls will be mouldy. That's how they destroy Thanksgiving.

We self righteous science denying Ignominious Ignorant gasbags, er  I mean true traditionalists say "no"! (of course we say no to everything).  The real god ,Jehovah, aka Yahweh, aka Elohim, aka etc.,  deserves the lion's share of Thanksgiving thanks. If you can't give him credit for the whole meal then he should at least get the props for the turkey and dressing...the ham, too, if you're one of those willing to pretend that Leviticus 11:7-8 doesn't exist. We simply can not allow the indignity that would result from the Lard of Lards being lumped in with the lowly demigods, nymphs, and satyrs who receive thanks for the various garnishes, gravies, and seasonings.  He alone needs to be exalted for candied yams, the green-bean casserole, and the pie. It's in the Bible! (or maybe the of dem things we never read, yup!)

Unfortunately at this point, the Straw men point out that being the supreme of supremes, he can re script at any time and exalt himself if he takes the notion. This makes all the true traditionalists heads explode and steam shoot out of the top of their noggins. The Battle of Thanksgiving is lost.