Wednesday, January 21, 2009

National Buffoon's Unhelpful Hints!

These really work!!

Harlotta's amazing simple home remedies
improve and simplify your life.

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by having someone else hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Men can avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers - You can simply volunteer to hold the vegetables when someone else is cutting, bleed for a few minutes, (reducing the pressure on your veins.)
Remember to use a timer!

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll
be afraid to cough!

6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't
move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

8. Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced. (You may want to see an oncologist as well.)

9. Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

10. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent ink pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

11. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

12. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally!

13. Hey smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling.

14. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

15. UFO enthusiasts - Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. Schedule a prostate exam for the full effect!

16. A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

17. Convince your nieghbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night. When no one is looking, replace the digger with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

18. You can fool other drivers into thinking you have a cell phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

Harlotta's Mailbag

DEAR HARLOTTA: How do I get hair color out of my carpet? I tried paint thinner, heavy-duty spot removers, and soap and water. I'm afraid it's really set. I thought if I kept washing the spot, it would gradually come up.
— Liz Zardrainer, Richland, Wash.

DEAR LIZ: No need to worry about a little stain. According to Penthouse, December '84, 72% of men find it erotic for the carpet to match the dye-job!

DEAR HARLOTTA: How can I keep my bath towels from smelling? We hang them up after each use but within two days they stink!

— Marsha Gas, Swamp City, N.J.

DEAR MARSHA: Stop wiping yourself with them! If your too cheap to purchase toilet tissue use corncobs or junk mail. Reserve towel usage for drying off after bathing.

DEAR HARLOTTA: I have a problem with stubborn stains and I'm hoping you can help. I have a husband and, well he's a good Christian man. Well, he is these days, anyway. Ever since he quit drinking and doing cocaine. There was, of course, some residual damage. He gets tongue tied easily, has trouble pronouncing words, and I have to monitor his pretzel intake pretty carefully. But that's a whole other story! On to the reason for my note. Our problem is blood stains. It started off with just a little under his fingernails, but the stains have gotten worse and worse. These days, he's up to his elbows in the blood of thousands of Americans and hundreds of thousands of Iraqis. Mind you, it's not the blood of any of our friends. For the most part, it's folks we don't know. And, Lord knows, I am so grateful for that. How could I look any of my friends in the eye if I knew that their children... Oh, my! I just won't think about that. But the unsightly bloodstains still bother me. He calls me a silly woman for worrying about such things. His friend, Dick, keeps telling him it'll be alright, just to focus on the price of oil and he'll feel much better about the whole thing. And that seems to work for him. But I'm a good and dutiful wife, and it bothers me for people to see him with all that blood on his hands. An old friend, Henry, tells me I'll get used to it. He says he did. Henry was the fellow that talked Gerald Ford into supporting the Khmer Rouge against the North Vietnamese because he was mad that they made us look so bad in Vietnam. He makes a good point, too. I mean, millions of people died just because Henry was mad at Ho Chi Minh and Henry still gets wonderful book deals and gets invited to all the best parties. He just laughs and says, "Blowback! Not my fault." But still, the blood bothers me. If only we didn't have to LOOK at it. You know what I mean? Any advice is appreciated.

-Pickles, Rancho Redundo, Texas

DEAR PICKLES - This is a common problem these days. Often a large serving of humble pie mixed with a little jurisprudence can go a long way towards cleaning up after such messes. Perhaps exiling oneself to Paraguay will help. I recommend more pretzels in this case.

Some people are like Slinkies:
Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when
pushed down the stairs.

Remember folks-
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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