(Dallas, TX - October 1st ,2010) There is troubling news out of Texas today, a small fire escalated into a fiery grave for 26 members of a local teabag party affiliate. The unfortunate incident is being described as a tremendous setback for the grassroots movement whose candidates are funded by the Billionaire Koch Brothers and their attempts to "Take Our Country Back" to a fantasy world that exists solely in the minds of miserable middle aged conservatives, and "Father Knows Best" cast members.
Early reports indicate that the casualties could have been entirely avoided had any of the "Teabaggers" simply complied with the firefighters requests to vacate a building that was being rapidly engulfed in flames. Instead they insisted that the socialist Obama Nanny government had no authority and they refused to vacate the burning premises.
"I risked my life running into that building and they called me a socialist pinko and told me to go to hell"
Radio host Rush Limbaugh, known for his moderate political views and proclivity to prescription drugs, spoke to the lowest I.Q. percentile of America, I mean his listeners, earlier today:
"Americans, with a heavy heart, we feel the pain of a national tragedy, a feeling that has been absent in our great country since the Democrats flew planes into the World Trade Center... we mourn the loss of our fellow Americans, may they rest in peace; but any logical mind can see that the real atrocity we have witnessed today is the waste of your tax dollars."
"Open your eyes! Obama's nanny state wants you to rely on the government to save your life in the case of an emergency. Today we need to stand together, as patriotic American patriots, to symbolize our unity against these agents of Government terror. Do you really want your hard earned money paying the salaries of people who will save your life?
Robert Fripp, who witnessed the catastrophe firsthand, described the tragedy in detail "I've never seen anything like it. I mean, I've seen fires before, this is Texas, who loves burning shit with reckless abandonment more then us? Well, maybe Georgia, but this was unlike anything I've ever seen before. These people were so dedicated to their cause that they willingly allowed themselves to be burned alive before accepting help from 'Obama's Socialist Henchmen.'"
Robert continued, painting a picture of tremendous stupidity and unparalleled ignorance. "The firefighters were trying to help, but everyone kept struggling and yelling about 'cap and trade' and the 'liberal media.' I feel remorse for the victims and their families, but in retrospect, it was pretty fucking retarded."