Thursday, July 26, 2012

God

God, who also often uses aliases such as Yahweh, Allah or Jehovah to evade debt collectors is the supreme Holy Head Honcho. He is best known for creating all of existence, with the exception of himself, unicorns, the Loch Ness Monster, the Inca Empire, Big Foot, Robert Mitchum films, and Devil's food cake. He is burdened with the responsibility of sustaining the equilibrium that allows life to continue, such as answering prayers about football games, committing genocide, committing mass infanticide, starting wars, knocking up virgins, and making stars twinkle. Despite this unfathomable responsibility, God shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever some event such as a horse race is on, as he is apparently a compulsive gambler.

      Just before Creation, on the night preceding October 23, 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of poker with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the great Celestial Poker Game, Satan, aka the Devil aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th century Primate of All Ireland, this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0 souls to 0 souls), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist to be gathered. In six days, God created the heaven and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and fake dinosaur bones. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch football as He had a tenner on the Giants. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan leads the bet, and why sports teams never bother to pray to him. It's also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.
Rare photo of God playing dice with several Albert Einsteins.
Einstein used Relativity to duplicate himself at the Celestial Dice Game, thus beating both God and Satan at their own game.



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